Marriage falling apart

[Cindigzz 21]

When I had my sleeve I weighed 265 and before that I was almost 300 lbs. Now almost 10 weeks later I have gone from a size 22/24 to 14. I feel reborn and like a new person. I'm so excited that I'm getting my old body back. I feel confidant and sexy and alive again, however my husband seems to have very little to say about it. I'm getting a slew of attention but not from my own attention which we all know can be dangerous. I'm I doing something wrong here. Don't I deserve to feel all these feelings. Any feedback would help. Anybody go through this?..

[Veruca Salt 31]

Nothing you said shows your marriage is going down the tubes. Like most men they do not talk about their feeling. He could be just getting use to the "New You". If you do find the marriage is over then you need to evaluate if it will change thing to go to therapy. He maybe the kind of man who is attracted to big women. You would be the one who knows him best. Work on yourself and in the mean time try and talk to him slowly, don't push. Hit him up a little at a time or he will clam right up. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.

[karpouzian 94]

From a guy's perspective, if my wife had lost XX amount of pounds, and I hadn't made any similar, significant changes in my own life, I'd be grumpy. And probably pretty passive aggressive about it, meaning I would be giving the silence treatment...

[Cindigzz 21]

Nothing you said shows your marriage is going down the tubes. Like most men they do not talk about their feeling. He could be just getting use to the "New You". If you do find the marriage is over then you need to evaluate if it will change thing to go to therapy. He maybe the kind of man who is attracted to big women. You would be the one who knows him best. Work on yourself and in the mean time try and talk to him slowly' date=' don't push. Hit him up a little at a time or he will clam right up. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.[/quote']

I didn't share alot of the details because the run a lot deeper and are really personal. And trust me he defiantly doesn't like big women. He threatened to leave me once if I didn't lose the weight but he never left. My fear is I'm getting all this outside attention and if he continues to neglect me as he has for the past 3 years I'm scared of what might happen. I feel like I'm going thru some mid life crisis at 39.

[Ballermom 803]

I think it might just take time to get use to in the beginning. I'm 5 months out and in the early stage we had to adjust. Now my hubby is trying to loose weight too. So I say give it some time. He doesn't say a lot about my weight lost but I am Happy!

But if you think you need therapy it's work a try. Be patient with him too.

[Rox 200]

Just keep watching him - actions speak louder than words. However, I would try to talk to him - if he's still neglecting you, you may want to call him on it.

[NoneYa 380]

Often a spouse's biggest fear is that their partner's weight loss will make them attractive to the opposite sex. They fear that they'll be hit on and that they will take someone up on offers they might not have received otherwise. If you had a strong marriage before you should still have one. You might need to reassure him that your Interest is and will forever be in him, if that is he case.

[djbwilson 37]

Sort of the same in my house..I am trying not to feel like it's me. i'm trying to act the same, but it's hard. I am getting new attention from everyone, not just men, friends, people on the street, people at church that havn't seen me in weeks. I'm not looking for other men, and don't feel like that's an issue. I am just very happy with my new self, and wish he was too. He very seldom makes any comment about my looks, except a small, "you look nice" which just makes me beam! I know we can't all be in the same emotional place at the same time, so I'm just trying to calm my excitement about my weight loss....but is that really fair to me? I think I am realizing why they send you to a counselor before surgery!

[NoneYa 380]

Wait, if he threatened to leave you if you didn't lose weight that changes everything!!

Whether i lost weight or not i would be moving on if that was said to me. That doesn't sound like love talking.

[Canada here 35]

Problems for 3 years, I would say this has nothing to do with your weight loss. and everything to do with the past 3 years.

[Momonanomo 534]

I didn't share alot of the details because the run a lot deeper and are really personal. And trust me he defiantly doesn't like big women. He threatened to leave me once if I didn't lose the weight but he never left. My fear is I'm getting all this outside attention and if he continues to neglect me as he has for the past 3 years I'm scared of what might happen. I feel like I'm going thru some mid life crisis at 39.

What I am reading is that he has been cold for years, and now that you are getting attention from others, you might act on it. So his behavior doesnt have to do with the weight loss, but yours does. Only you can decide if it is a salvageable situation. Either stick with him or break it off and move on. What i do not recommend though, is staying with him and cheating. Be stronger than that.

[NoneYa 380]

Momonanomo said it well. You may have been in a declining marriage for years. Sometimes thats just what it is and there isn't anything to fight for or save. It happens. You have to decide if yours is one of those or if there is a basis for rebuilding it. Nobody can make that choice for you although like I said earlier i would have been gone if my spouse had threatened to leave me over my weight.

If you decide its over make your plans and move on. It isn't a good idea to muddy the Water and engage in flirting of affairs just because its there and you can. You're better than that and you have a lifetime to accept advances from men if you want to as a single woman.

[Daydra 345]

These stories make me really sad. So many overweight people end up with partners that really aren't the best for them, whether that is because they don't think they have any other options, or they haven't learned what they need to look out for, or whatever other reason.

This looks like controlling behavior and at least some degree of emotional abuse to me (and really, controlling behavior counts). In my personal opinion, the only appropriate response of a good spouse or partner to the improvement of health, happiness, and self-esteem of their partner is pride and support. You are not getting that, and you DESERVE it. You stated that there is a lot more going on, but it boils down to you being in a relationship where you aren't getting what you need and deserve (and may be receiving harmful treatment). You are the only one that can decide whether or not you are going to fight for it, whether that means giving therapy a try (keeping in mind that he has to be as invested as you are for it to be effective) or whether you are going to cut your losses and look for someone that will appreciate you.

Best of luck to you. I know that it's going to be a difficult road, however it turns out, but as long as you are looking towards taking care of yourself, you have better days ahead.

[bigbeauty78 27]

2x4 you made perfect sense! I've been married for 16 years and when I told my husband I wanted WLS his reply was he wanted a divorce. I told him that was perfectly fine I'll give you a divorce. He thought I was being selfish about my life. I could die and leave our children motherless. Yes any kind of surgery is risky. But this is my life my choice. Stand behind me or not I was attempting WLS approval anyways I told him. I was standing my ground. I gave him one hell of an eye opener tho, you see my husband has been dipping snuff for 20 years of his life. I told him he has been selfish our whole marriage cause at anytime he could give his self cancer and die. So he shut up and now supports me 100%. I stood my ground.

[NoneYa 380]

Good for you BigBeauty78! I believe that we teach others how to treat us. If we don't accept abuse in any form in the beginning it is much less likely to be attempted later. By abuse i include control. I think that control is one of the most unrecognized forms of abuse. It goes both ways too. Women can be as bad as men about attempting to control their partner. Wanna see me run? Tell me what to do or speak to me in a condescending way. Poof!