HUGE fight with the Hubster

[jlobyxmas 38]

So last night turned into world war 3 in my house. Husband is angry that I want to convert to the sleeve. He's all for me getting the band out but is totally opposed to the conversion. He supported me through the band decision, and agrees that it has been an utter failure, my fault of course, but says he can not support my decision to convert to the sleeve, as it will most likely also be a failure cause "I won't stop eating!" (his words)

He loves me just the way I am, he thinks I'm beautiful, he doesn't understand why I would jeapordize my life (again his words) in order to be skinny. He's not buying that it is for my health, I have lupus and I am always stiff and hurting, hoping losing weight will help with some of these symptoms but he doesn't think it will work.

Don't misunderstand please, he loves me and I think he is just extremely scared that something bad will happen, but has anyone had any success in convincing a loved one that this is the right decision for you.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

It sounds like he raises valid points. What are you doing now to address your food addiction? The sleeve is permanent and there is potential for damage and complications if you overstuff your sleeve.

[TamaraS 235]

The sleeve will help you learn to eat less. I dont believe his points are valid, infact he sounds very negative and unsupportive. This is your life and you only get to live it once! I hope you follow your heart and get your weight off regardless of his input. I was fortunate to have a very supportive husband. Neither he nor I thought the sleeve would be effective for me because 1. I was extremely over weight since a toddler and 2. because every diet I have ever been on resulted in me gaining more weight. In 6 months I have lost over 70lbs. It seems surreal! I haven't over come my food addictions. Its a constant battle. If you were able to over come them on your own you wouldn't need surgery! The sleeve has affected my life in ways I would have never imagined. I am working on my goals and dreams. I didn't value myself enough to do this before. The decrease in my joint pain is unbelievable. For the first time ever I was able to climb rocks on the beach and tide pool with my 6 year old, never thought I'd have the energy or strength to do that! I know I went on a bit of a tangent but there is so much of life we miss out on being severly obese and there are so many wonderful things that begin happening as the weight comes off. It makes me sad when I hear that family arn't supportive.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

These are unanswerable questions in many ways. I was the the one terrified of failure, terrified that I would "fail again". There are no guarantees and I need to be honest - some people do not have stellar results with the sleeve and while i have guesses, I don't really know why.

Having said that, I failed miserably, and I mean miserably with the band and have had great success with the sleeve. It is just a BETTER procedure and I picked a surgeon with BETTER support and follow up and I chose to learn from my mistakes and try to make different ones at least.

In my mind, there is almost no comparison between the two.

I am also a little skeptical about the whole food addiction thing... yes.. there is a huge emotional component but there is also a big physical component of the DRIVE to OVEREAT. The band did not address that hunger drive for me, and the sleeve did. It did not solve the mental/emotional aspects but removing the 85% of my bottomless pit/always hungry feeling removed 85% of my problem.

[jlobyxmas 38]

CowgirlJane I'm hoping to have the same outcome as you. As you mentioned the band NEVER addressed my hunger, it made me full faster immediately after a fill, but I neve reached the "sweet spot" that other successful banders referred to.

My hospital has an excellent support program that I intend to follow, and hopefully this time I will not fail.

My husband is just extremely scared that I will die during surgery. He doesn't want anything to happen to me, and does not think I need to lose weight, mind you I just barely qualify for sx with my BMI and comorbidities. I love him and respect his fears, I'm just looking for someway to put his mind at ease.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Gosh, this is a real dilemma........the band is a failure for many many people and it wasn't permanent. The sleeve is permanent and is not reversible.....that's what I like about the sleeve. In reality, they are going to take the sleeve out..When they take the sleeve out, do they put you to sleep during this time? If so, then I would choose to have the sleeve at this time. However the conflict is with your spouse not being supportive.......Now the decision is if you go ahead and do this without his support or can you convince him this is different? Hummmmm, if I was in your shoes, I would get info from the surgeon with your husband in the room so he can ask questions, but first I would ask him to read posts from this site from people converting from the band to sleeve. In addition, I would seek therapy to address the issues of overeating and read the book called "Overeating No More" by David Kessler M.D. It's a real eye opener as to why we are addicted to food...... The sleeve is a tool but learning what are triggers are is key to staying successful.........The decision is up to you........

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

The sleeve will help you learn to eat less. I dont believe his points are valid' date=' infact he sounds very negative and unsupportive. This is your life and you only get to live it once! I hope you follow your heart and get your weight off regardless of his input. I was fortunate to have a very supportive husband. Neither he nor I thought the sleeve would be effective for me because 1. I was extremely over weight since a toddler and 2. because every diet I have ever been on resulted in me gaining more weight. In 6 months I have lost over 70lbs. It seems surreal! I haven't over come my food addictions. Its a constant battle. If you were able to over come them on your own you wouldn't need surgery! The sleeve has affected my life in ways I would have never imagined. I am working on my goals and dreams. I didn't value myself enough to do this before. The decrease in my joint pain is unbelievable. For the first time ever I was able to climb rocks on the beach and tide pool with my 6 year old, never thought I'd have the energy or strength to do that! I know I went on a bit of a tangent but there is so much of life we miss out on being severly obese and there are so many wonderful things that begin happening as the weight comes off. It makes me sad when I hear that family arn't supportive.[/quote']

I completely disagree. There are handful who bemoan the fact that they cannot gorge anymore. The surgery is on our stomachs, not our brains. It is important to focus on both. I'm not saying don't have the surgery. I'm saying make sure your head is totally wrapped around what your sleeved life will be like. Head hunger is rough and powerful.

[Nicolanz 1,484]

I understand where your hubby is coming from and to be honest I wasn't successful at convincing mine either. Only after surgery was he on board and supportive. Maybe you'll just have to go against his wishes if you absolutely are ready and prepared for this surgery.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My personal opinion/what was helpful to me was the Kessler book. He talked alot about the physical part of the addiction.

I have never gotten much out of the Roth books - and i have read them.

so, my current thinking - after losing alot of weight and changing my eating... I was pretty "over" food as comfort. I had a lifetime of food treating me badly... lol... and wanted a new relationship with it.

I could not do it myself because I had a metabolic problem (I still do!) that led to my obesity. That obesity, that metabolic problem drove me to be hungry all the time - I mean 24/7, within an hour or two of a large meal kinda constant hunger. Some relief from the hunger helped me regain control over my food intake and make better choices. I still had to work, I still have to make good choices, I still have to do without things that I might "want" but it is not such a hardship.

On an emotional level, i think I used food at times as a mood ballast. That means when I was feeling overly amped or anxious, food could calm me. When I felt low, good could energize me.

It doesn't do that anymore. What i have had to get used to is FEELING those emotions rather then dulling them with food. 90% of the time I LIKE feeling those emotions. It is like my life is in high definition technicolor and it used to be a little dulled color. SOMETIMES, that intensity is alot. I think about it, I use my brain to tell myself... "it is okay to FEEL this so intensely". I watch for addiction transferance because i can see that possibility but other then loving my coffee, I am doing okay.

So, for me, I don't now and never really did miss overeating. I didn't like overeating - it was not an emotional compulsion, it was a physical one.

I am not denying there is an emotional component though. Food is like any other "Substance" we take in, it affects how you feel. If I overdo it now, and eat something too rich or sugary... I feel like crap. Then I remember, I used to feel this way ALOT. I like NOT feeling like crap, so I don't do that. A rich dessert isn't worth feeling like crap... gee... simpy isn't it but it is just so much clearer for me now.

anyway, it is complicated but I am sharing my own story because I think we hear over and over that our heads need fixing... and yes.. there is an element of that (for some people more so). I went to two freaking years of counseling to deal with my "food issues" a few decades ago and honestly it never made a lick of difference because I was hungry ALL the time. I restarted counseling as a last ditch effort before I was sleeved and she accused me of not being honest - I must be eating due to emotional problems. She never believed me that I was actually hungry.

Anyway, lets just say I am a skeptic - talk therapy does not solve everything but it can be a useful tool so be open to it. It won't make you less hungry though.

Gosh, this is a real dilemma........the band is a failure for many many people and it wasn't permanent. The sleeve is permanent and is not reversible.....that's what I like about the sleeve. In reality, they are going to take the sleeve out..When they take the sleeve out, do they put you to sleep during this time? If so, then I would choose to have the sleeve at this time. However the conflict is with your spouse not being supportive.......Now the decision is if you go ahead and do this without his support or can you convince him this is different? Hummmmm, if I was in your shoes, I would get info from the surgeon with your husband in the room so he can ask questions, but first I would ask him to read posts from this site from people converting from the band to sleeve. In addition, I would seek therapy to address the issues of overeating and read the book called "Overeating No More" by David Kessler M.D. It's a real eye opener as to why we are addicted to food...... The sleeve is a tool but learning what are triggers are is key to staying successful.........The decision is up to you........

[MICKEYMANTLE 8]

sorry to say but your not ready for the sleeve yet , first you need to get to a good therapist to work on your eating disorder and see your surgeon about adjusting your band , your band did not fail you , there are no health problems from your band , you need to learn to work your tool , the sleeve is just a different tool and if you can't work your band the sleeve will fail also

the ds might be a better choose for you when you are ready for a revision, but till you can get your eating under some kind of control none of them will work

your hubby does not think you need to lose weigh maybe he is right , you have not said what your weight is so we don't know , I have seen girls

that weigh 65 lbs think they need to lose weight and yes there are some real crappy doctors out there that will do the surgery on them for the right price

if your hubby is worried about you maybe he is right , if he is wrong prove him wrong

[jlobyxmas 38]

Mickeymantle I'm not quite sure how you came to the conclusion from my minimal post that I am not ready for the sleeve. My band NEVER gave me restriction, had an Upper GI recently that validated the fact that there was no restriction even with a complete fill. There are health problems associated with my band, as I stated I have Lupus, which was diagnosed post-banding, Lupus is a contraindication for the band as there is a foreign substance in your body and Lupus is an auto-immune disease. So regardless of wether I'm sleeved or not, the band has to go.

I'm assuming that you have suggested therapy to everyone on this board, as everyone that requires bariatric surgery has some type of food issue, otherwise bariatric surgery would not be necessary and 35% of the population of the United States would not be considered obese.

I am ready for the revision, my husband is the one that has concerns. Not looking for judgement on my decision, looking for assistance in convincing a loved one.

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

Perhaps, like my husband, yours is afraid and has a poor way of expressing how he feels. Most guys (not all) are spastic when it comes to communicating their deep loving feeling of concern. My husband ... totally failed at communicating his concern for me. He was concerned not of failure, but because he feared I was getting myself into something dangerous again. WLS and all surgeries come with possible complications and possible death.

You need to deepen your search into why your spouse is reacting this way and include him in everything you know

[GoldyGirl 186]

Good Luck with whatever YOU decide to do! It is up to you, I am sure your huband is scared for you and Loves you Tons... Just know,The Sleeve is HARD, but in a Different way YOU will NOT be hungry, but the HEAD HUNGER does NOT go away. I find my self Looking in the pantry and fridge for food only to relise I am NOT hungry it is MY HEAD and Thoughts. I am sure you husband will have your back....Best Wishes.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Mickey, I see you are pre-sleeve as well. I am not sure you have been banded, but I would like to gently suggest that you are leaping to some conclusions here. The band works for a while for some people, but it is a pretty crappy tool for most. You can tell me that I "Failed the band" too and I take full responsibility for my part in that debacle, BUT, it really is different then the sleeve. I was hungry all the freaking time but then I would eat - feel pain, but still feel hunger. It was awful and it drove me to eat foods that didn't cause pain - we call em sliders.

It was better over time, it was better when it had no Fluid because I could eat more normal foods.

Please accept from some of us who have traveled the road that you don't necessarily have an eating disorder or emotional problems to have had poor results with the band.

I hesitated to post this because I am very aware that this is a hot topic, emotions run high among people considering the sleeve surgery and people who are early days post op. I am not trying to tick anybody off or hurt any feelings, but lots of people read these posts that never comment and I want them to hear the voice of someone who spent TEN LONG YEARS with the lapband and now 15 months with the sleeve. I am not an expert either, but I have the miles under my belt so to speak...

The sleeve delivers what the band promised... but didn't deliver.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, I am a cheerleader for the sleeve - but I will also say it isn't without challenges and risks. IT was obvious for me.. I was on a road to early death with a Detour through disability due to my weight. It was literally a life and death decision for me.

For those of you who are not so heavy, who don't have the health problems... do think hard about the risks. They are real. The risks of leaks and other serious complications are about twice what they are for a virgin sleever. Take it seriously, think about it hard... do the risks versus benefits analysis. I had tried EVERYTHING and i mean everything at least once - most things multiple times and while I never gave up, I just got fatter and fatter. I needed either the sleeve, the RNY or the DS surgery to save my life. I felt the sleeve was the lowest risk and had the "complications" and lifestyle adjustments I was willing to make. My backup plan is to convert to the DS if I every need to because I am NOT returning to being morbidly obese.