Supportive and Insecure

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

So I talked to my hubby about my up and coming surgery. He has been fully aware of and involved all along but the subject came up again while sending in passport card docs today.

I asked him if he was worried I'd leave him once I lost my excess wait. I'm a fairly direct person so that's pretty much how the question came out.

He admitted that while he is completely supportive of my decision so that I will be healthy and happy he is insecure. Naturally I am reassuring him that I love him and want to be with him. That we've weathered many a storm together and this isn't even a storm.

Has anyone else encountered such insecurities from their spouses? Any feedback?

Amanda Rae

[Paul11011 372]

I don't want to scare you and even with the worst case scenario it is worth it for your health, but hold on tight. The last 2 years for me have been a relationship roller coaster the likes of which I don't think one can be prepared. Any insecurities that where there will be magnified as you become more attractive and get attention that you never have before. In addition to the insecurities, keep in mind that he is coming along for this ride, if he signed up for it or not he will be awash in the WLS life. Add to this the extra layer of difficulty if he happens to be struggling with his weight too. If he is and manages to loose his weight "the old fashioned way", his success will be over shadowed by the rate and degree of success which you are likely to see. Be very aware and always keep communication open, that is about the best you can do. I fully now believe that WLS makes strong relationships stronger and weak relationships more exposed. Best of luck to you.

[AStephenson 159]

I have been dealing with this a bit too..and I've not had surgery yet. My husband (been together 29 years) started with the "when you get skinny you'll leave me" crap right from the get-go. I've yo-yo'd in weight for most of the 29 years we've been together, he only recently has gained extra weight (within the last 5-7 years). Sometimes I get frustrated with constantly having to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere. I'm hopeful that any success I have will inspire him to join me in getting healthier. When I look ahead to life after surgery, I see him right by my side, not some other man. I see us being more active together, maybe some fun competition once in a while, instead of him setting on the couch while I'm suggesting how nice a walk would be and wouldn't he like to accompany me? He has stuck it out for all my crazy diet changes (low carb, low calorie, south beach, vegetarian, vegan) in the past, I know he can weather this upcoming change. It is MY choice to do this though, he is completely against it, worries about my safety and outcome (sometimes expressed harshly) but even so I am always offering little bits of information at a time, because I want to include him...I still WANT his support, his encouragement, even though I'm prepared to do this without it. I want my successes to be his successes too! All in time I guess, you can lead a horse to Water, but you can't make him drink!

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

I don't want to scare you and even with the worst case scenario it is worth it for your health' date=' but hold on tight. The last 2 years for me have been a relationship roller coaster the likes of which I don't think one can be prepared. Any insecurities that where there will be magnified as you become more attractive and get attention that you never have before. In addition to the insecurities, keep in mind that he is coming along for this ride, if he signed up for it or not he will be awash in the WLS life. Add to this the extra layer of difficulty if he happens to be struggling with his weight too. If he is and manages to loose his weight "the old fashioned way", his success will be over shadowed by the rate and degree of success which you are likely to see. Be very aware and always keep communication open, that is about the best you can do. I fully now believe that WLS makes strong relationships stronger and weak relationships more exposed. Best of luck to you.[/quote']

Thank you speaking up with such candor. My husband's insecurities predate this incidence and we've been rollercoastering along. Love is not the problem. Also we are both aware there are pending insecurities about the weight loss. We will have to work through them together, with help for our counselor.

We're trying to put things into perspective now and really evaluate what the worries are.

Amanda Rae

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

I have been dealing with this a bit too..and I've not had surgery yet. My husband (been together 29 years) started with the "when you get skinny you'll leave me" crap right from the get-go. I've yo-yo'd in weight for most of the 29 years we've been together' date=' he only recently has gained extra weight (within the last 5-7 years). Sometimes I get frustrated with constantly having to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere. I'm hopeful that any success I have will inspire him to join me in getting healthier. When I look ahead to life after surgery, I see him right by my side, not some other man. I see us being more active together, maybe some fun competition once in a while, instead of him setting on the couch while I'm suggesting how nice a walk would be and wouldn't he like to accompany me? He has stuck it out for all my crazy diet changes (low carb, low calorie, south beach, vegetarian, vegan) in the past, I know he can weather this upcoming change. It is MY choice to do this though, he is completely against it, worries about my safety and outcome (sometimes expressed harshly) but even so I am always offering little bits of information at a time, because I want to include him...I still WANT his support, his encouragement, even though I'm prepared to do this without it. I want my successes to be his successes too! All in time I guess, you can lead a horse to Water, but you can't make him drink! <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mellow.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />[/quote']

One thing that is helping is looking at the bare bones of said insecurity. My hubby and broke it down to the fact that his insecurity implies that I am shallow enough to let that be a problem. It also implies that his self worth and self esteem are sub par. It helped, somewhat, to look at it like that. Neither of us think his self worth deserves such a downgrading that our marriage is based on the exterior and neither of us think I'm shallow.... Especially after 11 years of marriage! Just a thought.

Amanda Rae

[amytug 996]

There have been a couple threads about this.

My hubby said it a couple times and I put him in his place about it, also bringing up that he's insulting my commitment to him, and insinuating that I'm just that shallow.

Hasn't said it again.

[HoosierGirl 780]

My hubby just said in passing that he needs to get some weight off too so I don't look great and have people say, "Why is SHE with HIM?!" He was kidding - sort of. I know he would like to slim down too.

He's not insecure at all and we have a really good marriage. He knows I am not going anywhere. But I took it as an opportunity to tease him that he had better be on his best behavior or I will kick him to the curb! Ha ha!

Said he would even try to stick with me on the pre-op diet? We'll see about that one!

[Shergirl 18]

I told my husband that he deserves to have a fit and pretty wife. Not a fat old hag! That seemed to encourage him

[#Redy4chg.org 40]

My BF and I have been together off and on for a year. Right now we're on and he's supportive of me having this done. Last year was hell for me. I realized that he has insecurities within himself that we haven't found the root of that yet. He's tall, dark, and handsome. Women throw themselves at him at every opportunity and he felt he had to oblige. After all the fights and the "final" walk out on the relationship he vowed to make a change and get help for his issues. Pre op he had no concern of me cheating or leaving him. Now that I'm going through with this he is really stepping up to be my "ideal" but I fear that this is the start of him being insecure about me still being with him. He's done a 180 too quick and has me suspicious or am I creating a situation??? Or am I still engaging in negative thoughts that I am not worthy of this Adonis of Man to truly want me??? Anybody understand what I mean?

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

It makes wonder if he has so little faith in my integrity even tho I know it's his insecurity... Not mine.

Amanda Rae

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

My BF and I have been together off and on for a year. Right now we're on and he's supportive of me having this done. Last year was hell for me. I realized that he has insecurities within himself that we haven't found the root of that yet. He's tall' date=' dark, and handsome. Women throw themselves at him at every opportunity and he felt he had to oblige. After all the fights and the "final" walk out on the relationship he vowed to make a change and get help for his issues. Pre op he had no concern of me cheating or leaving him. Now that I'm going through with this he is really stepping up to be my "ideal" but I fear that this is the start of him being insecure about me still being with him. He's done a 180 too quick and has me suspicious or am I creating a situation??? Or am I still engaging in negative thoughts that I am not worthy of this Adonis of Man to truly want me??? Anybody understand what I mean?[/quote']

I can appreciate where you are coming from.

Amanda Rae