Marriage Issues Already!?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My hubby was incredibly supportive when I was banded back in 2001. Heck, he even pureed food for me to eat...lol. He went with me to my appointments, really, everything you could ask. I distinctly remember how concerned he was over everything but then also celebrated in successes and complimented me on my looks.

Well, after a couple of years I had regained everything lost plus some and had lots of problems etc etc. He never said a negative word.

Fast forward nearly a decade and after trying everything AGAIN and i still weighed 300# I decide to revise - originally thinking of the RNY but wound up with the sleeve. He told me basically that he wouldn't oppose it but he was not thrilled. He wouldn't talk about it. He never went to a single doctors appointment except for the actual surgery since he had to drive me. Well, also the band removal surgery - so twice. He and my son came and visited me (I stayed one night) and they did make sure I wasn't left alone during the first 24 hours home (doctors orders).

So, fast forward to almost 11 months later and nearly 120# lost - he has still not gone to a single doctors appointment. He has never complimented me on how I look, how hard I have worked, how much I have lost etc. He never asks anything about my progress and is indifferent to what or how I eat. He often brings junky food in the house and it is my problem to deal with. I finally said to to him the other day that he has never complimented me and that I don't feel very attractive to him. His answer "I have always found you attractive". End of conversation.

So, here is my perspective on this whole deal. I WISH he was showering me in compliments and joy but the truth of the matter is this is my journey, not his. The band promised all this great success too and all it really brought me was hell. I am thinking he is thinking that the jury is still out on this sleeve thing. It does kind of hurt me that he doesn't tell me I look great, but in the big picture I need to find the motivation from within. The junk food in the house is an issue so I have him put it in a cabinet that I just don't open on a routine basis. That helps.

I would caution anyone, especially with small children to NOT make any big decisions about your relationship during this time. The surgery and losing weight can cause alot of turmoil, emotional ups and downs etc. In the end, it might be that the spouse has his own reasons for why he is being "Unsupportive" and at least for me, it is not a reason to end a relationship. I know he wants me to be successful and happy, I think he is just afraid to get invested in it as of course I have failed over and over again. I want him to believe along with me that I can keep this weight off, but I can hardly blame him for being a skeptic. For some spouses, it could be insecurity, but put yourself in his shoes and I guess you can understand where some of that might come from.

Give it time and do remember that this is your journey and in the end you make it what it is; our spouses are pretty much just along for the ride anyway.

[LeahMae 34]

My fiance seems.supportive until we get into an argument and he says that im already acting "new"... The thing is.. I dont see myself as big as I am now, so why wld I act new when I lose the weight. To tell u the truth.. Sometimes.I dont think of how it affects him.. I just see me and my son. I love my fiance and he is a big guy too who has started to begin the Sleeve journey too for the second time. I will support him no matter what his decision is.. But only if he supports me.. Good luck to u ladies.. Hope we can stay in touch and be eachothers support too.

[mom2five 292]

I would caution anyone, especially with small children to NOT make any big decisions about your relationship during this time. The surgery and losing weight can cause alot of turmoil, emotional ups and downs etc. In the end, it might be that the spouse has his own reasons for why he is being "Unsupportive" and at least for me, it is not a reason to end a relationship. I know he wants me to be successful and happy, I think he is just afraid to get invested in it as of course I have failed over and over again. I want him to believe along with me that I can keep this weight off, but I can hardly blame him for being a skeptic. For some spouses, it could be insecurity, but put yourself in his shoes and I guess you can understand where some of that might come from.

This is probably good advice for someone who hasn't been having problems already. I have been having marital problems for years. If I only had to worry about him not being supportive of my surgery, I definitely wouldn't be thinking about divorce. We have a LOT of other issues. I do NOT want a divorce. I love him and this is very painful for me... He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care and seems pretty darn happy that I want a divorce... so I'm feeling depressed but I feel like I'm doing what is best for me and the kids. I WISH he would get counseling and fix his issues so that we could be happy, but after 10 years of waiting and hoping, I don't think he is going to do it.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am so sorry. I have been through the pain of a divorce, and even when it needs to happen, it is still very difficult. I understand completely where you are coming from and my remarks weren't at all targeted at you (I think I missed your post first time I read through) - more just general advice that emotions run high during this time and to take care to not make rash decisions, especially in that first year post op. I also wouldn't quit a good job, sell my house or give away any kids during that time window...even though probably all of that crossed my mind over the last year.

This is probably good advice for someone who hasn't been having problems already. I have been having marital problems for years. If I only had to worry about him not being supportive of my surgery, I definitely wouldn't be thinking about divorce. We have a LOT of other issues. I do NOT want a divorce. I love him and this is very painful for me... He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care and seems pretty darn happy that I want a divorce... so I'm feeling depressed but I feel like I'm doing what is best for me and the kids. I WISH he would get counseling and fix his issues so that we could be happy, but after 10 years of waiting and hoping, I don't think he is going to do it.

[LouiseC 1,029]

. I finally said to to him the other day that he has never complimented me and that I don't feel very attractive to him. His answer "I have always found you attractive".

This is perhaps the best compliment he could give you. It shows he loves you for you. How wonderful.

When I first raised my desire for the surgery with my husband he said he had to know just one thing before he gave me his blessing to proceed.. That was, do I love myself? He said if I didn't then the surgery wouldn't change that, he said if I was doing this to love myself then I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I thought about this and realised that yes, i do love myself. I told him this and he he was behind me 100%. He is not a romantic or overly demonstrative guy but this remains for me one of the most loving things he has ever said or done. It showed me just how much he does love me, enough to make sure that I love me too.

[GeauxForIt 659]

This is perhaps the best compliment he could give you. It shows he loves you for you. How wonderful.

When I first raised my desire for the surgery with my husband he said he had to know just one thing before he gave me his blessing to proceed.. That was' date=' do I love myself? He said if I didn't then the surgery wouldn't change that, he said if I was doing this to love myself then I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I thought about this and realised that yes, i do love myself. I told him this and he he was behind me 100%. He is not a romantic or overly demonstrative guy but this remains for me one of the most loving things he has ever said or done. It showed me just how much he does love me, enough to make sure that I love me too.

[/quote']

When a partner loses 120lbs and the other partner doesn't even make mention of it, that is NOT being loving, that is being CRUEL. He is deliberately withholding what he knows she needs and that's the farthest thing from love.

[LouiseC 1,029]

When a partner loses 120lbs and the other partner doesn't even make mention of it' date=' that is NOT being loving, that is being CRUEL. He is deliberately withholding what he knows she needs and that's the farthest thing from love.[/quote']

I think without knowing the couple and with only hearing one side of the situation that it is a leap too far to call him cruel. We do not know if he is deliberately withholding or if there is something else at play here. My guess is the latter.

I do tend to see the best in people though and genuinely believe that most people are good and decent.

[GeauxForIt 659]

Choosing not to comment for a YEAR is deliberately withholding no matter how you look at it.

The only thing in question is his motivation for such cruel behavior.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I know he didn't mean it as an insult at all and I believe he is genuine that he loved me fine being heavier. However, it is hurtful that he has not said a word of encouragement, congratulations or otherwise acknowledges this massive change in my appearance. I don't know his motivation and in talking to him, I really haven't gotten an answer out of him. I believe it is more to do with him and his own state of mind then taking it as an insult or dig at me. It is still hard to take and that is really my larger point here.... not all of us are blessed with an army of gushing cheerleaders. Or in my case, the main person I want to be encouraging me on is notably absent. BTW, he is not obese himself, maybe 15# overweight so it is not due to that.

You have to do this because YOU want to do it and that motivation has to come from within. If hubby isn't always supportive, be prepared for that because he is a person too and has his own issues/battles to fight. When it comes to an illness like obesity, it is like managing diabetes or something, it is nice to have the support but in the end it comes down to the "patient" to make it happen.

This is perhaps the best compliment he could give you. It shows he loves you for you. How wonderful.

When I first raised my desire for the surgery with my husband he said he had to know just one thing before he gave me his blessing to proceed.. That was, do I love myself? He said if I didn't then the surgery wouldn't change that, he said if I was doing this to love myself then I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I thought about this and realised that yes, i do love myself. I told him this and he he was behind me 100%. He is not a romantic or overly demonstrative guy but this remains for me one of the most loving things he has ever said or done. It showed me just how much he does love me, enough to make sure that I love me too.

[wdrake_98 22]

Wow. This thread is really helping me realize that my husbands reaction to this is kinda, typical.

The behavior pattern is the same as most of you that have posted here.

Last night, in a final hail merry attempt we saw a marriage counselor. The counselor eventually said that we have deep relationship issues and the surgery has exasperated the problems we have. He then asked to postpone the surgery for 30 days so he could have a chance to help us work out our issues and come to a resolve about the surgery. The fact that I'm not postponing the surgery, against the recommendations of the counselor is not sitting well with my husband.

It was like pulling teeth to even get him to sleep in the bed with me last night, he actually wanted to sleep on the sofa.

He keeps trying to make this decision about me being the shellfish one and not making a decision for US. I think thought that he's making it about him, cause he's impacted by the decision. Well at the end of the day, year, decade...this decision EFFECTS me. So, it is about me. Not us...me. Yes it will impact him and out marriage, hopefully in a good way, but I can't weight that impact higher then the effect being overweight has on me and my life.

I'm looking forward to continuing the counseling as we both need it. The counselor told my husband that my love tank was empty. I don't think that he completely understands what it means yet.

So I sit in the hospital bed, all alone, actually praying that he's able to sleep right now, and that when he wakes I'll be finished and in recovery.

Hoping for the best, for all you ladies, my surgery, my husband, and our marriage.

[KickRocks 163]

Thanks so much ladies! Since I haven't told anybody about Surgery I feel so alone at times. You Ladies are great!! The last few days have been better but we know how that can go! And men say they don’t have mood swings..HAHA RIGHT!

[jillian01 5]

I haven’t even had the sugary yet and I have already noticed my husband being distant. At first he seemed to be real supportive but now that he sees this is really going to happen I have noticed changes. He doesn’t want to talk about it and seems to get annoyed if I even bring it up! He says we will talk about it closer to surgery date. The other night he had the nerve to say he sees me changing. I just don’t get it. I am so hurt that he would feel that after I lose the weight I will crave other men’s attention. I tried to tell him that has not even crossed my mind! I mean even being overweight I get male attention so wtf is he really saying?

I am trying to show him that I am doing this to get the healthy not just for me but him and our kids. Being overweight has changed me so much. I am often depressed and isolated. I don’t even want to get out of the house because I hate being overweight! I have tried and tried to lose weight and I always fail! Another man is the last damn reason I would be having surgery. If a man didn’t want me at my worst I sure don’t think he deserves me at my best.

He also has gained weight over the years and I really thing that he is not happy with himself either. He just tries to hide it. Our 7 year daughter told him last night he should have the surgery with me and he said he was going to lose weight on his on! Well good for him. I will support him either way. However the fact is don’t try to bring me down because you are miserable with yourself and try to put this on me..

And to top that off he keeps bringing JUNK in the house after I have told him not to. I am trying to lose as much weight as I can during my supervised diet. I know I don’t have to eat it but I’m also trying to not only get myself in better eating habits but our kids too. So why bring it in period!? Every time I go on diets I always used to joke that he tries to sabotage it but now I really believe that’s exactly what he is doing!

I have been in tears all day today because his whole altitude has changed. He is so damn moody. The fact is if our marriage does happen to fall apart after the surgery it won’t BE BECAUSE OF ME! It will be his own damn attitude and lack of support that will push me away.

Does anyone have any advice?

This most be an epidemic!!!! My fiancé is acting the same way. I have tried my best to include him in my choice to get sleeved. He has said things like you can do this in your own, just go to the gym, really? I can't even talk to him about it anymore. I decided I would write all of my appointments on my calendar so if he want to go an be supportive he can if not then I will have to go alone. When I do try to talk to him about it he keeps saying stuff like you can't be skinny! Buying junk food and soda seem like some type of evil way to get me to fall off the wagon so to speak.

I hope things work out for myself and all of you guys!

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[ozeedonkee 145]

I've just read a really good book which opened my eyes to my relationship - gave me a name for something I recognised was wrong, but just couldn't put my finger on. Also made me more determined to go through with this - regardless of what he thinks.

[diamondkized 70]

Its funny, I havent had the procedure and my surgery date is on December 10th but my husband has shown some signs that he is not all that happy about it. At first he was saying that he would support me and that he just wants me to be happy but then my mother in law told me he said that I am going to change. I think that a man knows your self esteem better than you do. I think that when you are big, you spend so much time wanting to be small that it shows so it plays on your self esteem and they know it. I for one have defintely allowed my esteem to defeat me and other people notice it too. You have to decide what is best for you and maybe you need to tell him how you feel that he is not being as supportive as you need him to be.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

W_Drake - how did surgery go? Hope all is well and you are recovering comfortably.