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Have You Lost Friendships/relationships Since Weight Loss?



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My marriage fell apart post sleeve' date=' but not due to my Weightloss. I had enough of his alcoholic ways, and me and my 5 year old moved out on labor day. I'm sorry but when you break your nose and receive a concussion but dont remember how it happened, you've got a problem. We've been married since last October, and his "problem" started surfacing in January of this year. I had enough. Not the role model I want for my son. Maybe I have more confidence because of my weight loss. I'm sure he'll tell all his friends it's because I lost 63lbs, not because he's a drunk. But I don't care.[/quote']

You go girl!!! You and your son are what is must important.

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I am planning my sleeve for 3/11/13 in TJ. Getting some negative vibes from my biggest support systems. Spouse. Parents. BFF. They're treating me like I'm taking a shortcut! Like major surgery in Mexico is a shortcut?!?! I can imagine to feedback post op... It does get to me.

Amanda Rae

I understand your dilema....if you cant even trust those who are closest to you, then who can you turn to for support??? Well, this forum is a great start!!! We will all be here for you Amanda!

My reason for not telling my siblings, coworkers and other friends is because I saw/heard the negativity they all had towards others who had the surgery. In my pre-op class, we were told to only surround ourselves with positive influences...people who will totally support our surgery decision. Thats bout the time when I started making my list of who will know....very short list too! lol.

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Nobody Can tell u what to do but I believe in trying to work it out. It sounds crazy coming from me bc I've been married 3 times but I really do believe in better for worse death due us part. My first husband was an abusive drug addict and my second didn't realize he was only supposed to have sex with me. My third and last husband can be a real ******* but he is usually awesome. We have been going to marriage counseling for a year now and still sometimes I think I'm gonna leave but then I remember how much I love him and how no one is perfect. He is a good man not a perfect one!!! So I keep working through it with him one day at a time

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My wife has been super supportive. When I started my 10 day pre-op diet she said she was only going to eat what I ate. She's been mostly sticking to that ever since, and she's lost about 25 pounds since my surgery.

But one day I was taking out the trash, and when I pulled the garbage bag out of the trash can, I could see an empty doritos bag down inside the garbage bag. I never told her I saw it....she's been so great and I appreciated that she didn't eat them in front of me. I'm trying hard not to take her support for granted. I spend way more time exercising and thinking about what I'm going to eat, and that takes time away from me and her. The good thing is we can workout together sometimes because we both enjoy cycling and hiking. And I've taken up jogging which she was already into. I think getting healthy together has made us stronger....I hope.

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I would like to think it was just jealousy but she is a beautiful woman and does not have a weight problem so me losing weight isn't making her feel big or anything.

You say she doesn't have a weight problem, but I've seen women who looked perfect, but in their mind they were 5 pounds overweight and it may as well have been 50 pounds. She may be hating that 5 pounds that she can't lose and resentful that you're losing weight so easily. I really have no idea but I'm just throwing that out there. I know my wife is struggling the hard way to lose weight right now, and I'm trying not to Celebrate my weight loss too much in front of her because I don't want her to feel bad. I'm trying to remember how hard it is to lose weight without the sleeve. It can be frustrating.

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I am planning my sleeve for 3/11/13 in TJ. Getting some negative vibes from my biggest support systems. Spouse. Parents. BFF. They're treating me like I'm taking a shortcut! Like major surgery in Mexico is a shortcut?!?! I can imagine to feedback post op... It does get to me.

My mother definately didn't want me to have the surgery either (mostly think she was just afraid of her daughter having surgery in Mexico) but I also kinda sensed she felt the same also about 'taking the shortcut' because she said well if you have to diet after why don't you just diet before? Duh if it were only that easy for someone like me...up and down battling this problem for 14 years. She is thin and has amazing self control and very into diet and nutrition. My apple fell FAR from that tree lol. Maybe I rebelled as I got older watching her eat rice cakes growing up haha who knows. Hang in there Amanda Rae...YOU DESERVE THIS! Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. A whole new AMAZING life awaits you dear...keep moving forward and don't let the naysayers win by getting you down.

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I worry there will be casualties. I hope not but it is very possible.

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Relationship casualties...

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I have had many changes in the last 5 months since surgery. At work many people know due to a non trustworthy co-worker/friend but at this point I really dont care who knows I had VSG. Its saved my life. Some compliment, some just stare...its weird but I try to just be the same me.

I have an old military friend whos husband & I were all stationed together, he makes comments in front of her (she has gain alot since she got out too) that are uncomfortable, like "you look beautiful now that u r skinny again & time has been kind to some of us" I can feel this hurts his wife and cringe when he says these things to me because it is obvious it hurts her. I dread seeing them, but have no idea how to shut him up. I feel it has strained our friendship...even when she is alone I can feel she looks at me different & I try not to mmention the surgery, my weight loss but it feels like we are no longer close! The saddest part is we were battle buddies in the war and I never wanted to alienate her in any way...she was my life friend, she had my back in a horrible place & she is my chosen sister! :(

My husband also had the sleeve so we really lean on each other about food, excercise, weight loss etc...that part has been a blessing. I can see some of the people in my life are great & see that the surgery has been positive...sadly some are not ok with our choice...those are the ones I will be sad to lose but it is not something I can control. Looks are temporary but love & friendship are always...I just wanedt to be happy & healthy not change my friends...I'm babbling now...over & out

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=I feel it has strained our friendship...even when she is alone I can feel she looks at me different & I try not to mmention the surgery, my weight loss but it feels like we are no longer close! The saddest part is we were battle buddies in the war and I never wanted to alienate her in any way...she was my life friend, she had my back in a horrible place & she is my chosen sister! :(

Put it out there and be honest with her. When you are alone tell her how much you value her friendship. Tell her you feel uncomfortable when her husband says those things, and that you feel it makes her uncomfortable too. Don't stay quiet. If no-one says anything about it, resentment builds and no-one wins.

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Don't be sad to lose those friend's that don't understand or agree with your choice. If they were true friends they would support you no matter their thoughts. Hate the game not the player.

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I havent even had my surgery yet and Im already seeing a change in my relationship with people i have told that i am having the surgery. So I know that it will possibly happen I'm hoping that it doesnt tho we will see! *crossed fingers*

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Before surgery, I had my group of friends tell me if there is anything I need to just ask. After surgery, I let everyone know that I'd love it if someone would come pick me up and take me out for some hot tea.

Guess how many came to my aid? Yep! Zero.

And this after I'd helped some out of tight spots, helped move, been a shoulder, etc.

recently, a strictly online friend of mine made the best statement that I need to remember:

" If you can't be my friend when it is inconvenient, you don't deserve to be my friend when it is a benefit."

It's time for us to take care of us. Viva la revolution!

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My marriage has been rocky for years' date=' however, she is extremely supportive of my sleeve. Since and I am only 1.5 months post op, I have noticed that she is a lot more sensitive about our relationship. She is also not saying very nice things to me. I would like to think it was just jealousy but she is a beautiful woman and does not have a weight problem so me losing weight isn't making her feel big or anything. She just makes little comments that cut me to the core. Comments like "I thought you would have more energy" which doesn't sound bad, but after working 12+ hr days of physical labor I was always tired before surgery. Now my energy levels are HIGH and I go work out daily, but today...Sunday...Football I was watching my beloved Vikings and she made comment like I just sit around all day. It was one day...so I got pissed and now she tells me that I have anger issues since my surgery. I can tell you honestly that I haven't been this happy since I was playing hockey in my early 20's!! I haven't felt this good in years! So I don't know where this is coming from.

I don't know really where I am going with this, just confused mainly...we are in trouble here and I don't know if it is going to work out.[/quote']

I know this thread is a little old, but I thought I would share my WLS/divorce story.

I've posted my story a bunch, but the basic summary is: I was banded, lost 100lbs. Lost the band. Gained it all back plus some. Was re-banded and it didn't work. Now I'm revising to the sleeve in May.

When I lost a lot of weight, my husband and I ended up in two separate worlds. He missed the old me, sitting around and eating on the couch with him, and I longed for the old him, the one who used to try and get me off the couch and be active. My weight and habits dictated our marriage and in some ways, changed him. When that weight was gone, he was in too deep to come out of the haze with me. He was not obese, and probably only carried an extra 20lbs. But, he became accustomed to a very lazy life together and when I couldn't do that anymore, we grew further and further apart until we were nothing more than roommates.

With my 2nd husband, I don't fear issues after (God willing) this surgery being successful. We live a much more active life, even at my current weight. He never gave up on trying to keep me active and his encouragement is a big factor in me getting to this point of striving for a healthy me again!! We talk about the things we can start doing together as I lose and start to feel better (like hiking and other activities I haven't dared in years lol).

Unfortunately, in my experience, if you are already growing apart (as we were), this life changing journey can make things harder, but usually for the better.

NewMan, I know that you say you've had trouble for years now. Part of what happened in my marriage/divorce is that after I lost weight, I got my confidence back and realized that I really did deserve better. I can't imagine this is the first time your wife has said things that were really hurtful. It really may be that you've finally decided that you do deserve kinder words and support from your spouse instead of anger and cruelty!

Best of luck on your emotional journey!!

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