How Many Experience This From Their Husbands..

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

Ok here it goes.. Today was a beautiful day here so my family decided to take a little boat ride out to the ocean.. We started out doing good and then oops my husband didnt stay in the channel and we hit the grass flats.. We just didnt hit them we got stuck to where our boat didnt move.. we were in about a foot of Water and werent going nowhere.. My kids were freaking out and my husband started getting rude... Once you get stuck on the flats the only way of getting off is to get out and push until you get into deeper Water or you wait for high tide to come back in... Well, we tried both.. First he tried to get out and push but it was hard to move the boat bc of being grounded.. So he started on the mean kick and saying that I was the fattest in the boat and that my fat ass is causing us to be stuck there.. it was very degrading and embarrassing since my kids were in the boat.. So for the next 3 hours all I heard from the family was how fat I was and needed to get out of the boat and push.. I was like WTH... I am not getting out and why are you taking your stupidity out on me...

Here I am on my pre-op diet and doing really well.. my surgery is the 21st so I know I am heading in the right direction.. but after today I wanted to come home and eat the house.. thank god I didnt and just had a Protein shake with some dinner but I was still mad when we got back.. he never even said sorry for what he had done.. I feel like sometimes my husband holds me back on succeeding bc of his mean actions...

So here is my questions to you all... Does our husbands hold us back from succeeding in life bc of their mean behavior?? I could be the only one out there that has this issue but I really feel like our emotions and eating depend on how we are treated sometimes.. it has been a long 10 yrs of this.. I am ready to take charge and show him I can handle things when his dishes it out... sorry if this doesnt belong in a thread but just wondering if I am alone on this or are others out there with same issues...

I am so so sorry you endured that. (((hugs))) Please look inside yourself while you are going through your journey and ask yourself if you deserve to be treated that way. Because from where I'm standing that answer is NOOO!!

ETA: I recognize mental abuse when I see it. My Mom was mentally abused by my step father all through my childhood. He mentally abused me too... I swore I would never allow another human being to treat me that way again. I deserve better, and those people who do things like this to others need to be floated away on a desert island.

That is all. :-/

[DebiC 181]

Been exactly where you are for 30 years. I finally left 8 years ago. We had 5 kids and all have been permanently damaged because of him and his behavior. In my case talking to him about his behavior did no good-It took me over 20 years to get up the nerve to confront him and he denied ever calling me or our kids names. I think part of the reason I gained weight was in response to his behavior.

I can almost guarantee that losing weight will not change his behavior. He'll just find something else to pick on your for. But as your self-esteem starts to return you will be better prepared to make decisions about what to do.

Regardless, now is the time you need to focus on yourself. Do the things you need to help yourself get healthy. And whether or not you think you'll ever leave him, I would suggest that you get some job training-we never know what our future will hold-but it's best to be prepared for whatever. I wish I had done that.

Good Luck and please keep coming around for support. There are many of us who have been where you are.

[circa 333]

Thank you all for your support and I am ashamed to say that I know what he does is abuse.. I have known that since the first year we were married.. I have thought of divorce for years but I have little ones and feel they deserve a life with both parents.. It is so hard to live life with someone that isnt there for you mentally or even in the marriage.. I was abandoned right out of the gate of marriage beacause he valued his job and business more then he did our family.. His work and life is more important then we are but when asked why he isnt there for us his response is that he is there supporting the family to live.. I guess you can say I have gotten used to being talked to that way and a single parent during the week.. I figured I deserved it since he lets me stay home with the kids.. I have no family left and his is all I have to depend on.. I guess I just have lost myself over the years and my self esteem but this year will be a big change for me.. once i feel I can succeed then I can do many more things in life and not depend on him as much..

thanks to all that have responded and shared things..you have made me realize that this is abuse and not exceptable... I am really glad I found this site.. it will be a big help in my journey... thanks again

Yes, what you experienced was abuse. You do not deserve that. You deserve nothing but respect. Your children are experiencing this abuse as well. Watching their mom be abused is abusing them as well. Please, stand up for yourself. You say that you think your kids deserve both parents, but really - what lesson are you teaching them? That its okay for your sons to treat women that way? Teaching your daughters that this is how they should be treated? Staying together for the kids is the worst reason to stay together. Trust me - my parents tried that - I hated my family., I hated holidays and I still have issues from that.

Please, take your husband aside and explain to him what you expect of him - and MEAN IT. Let him know that his behavior will not be tolerated. You are commanding respect. He needs to get on board.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

No, I am sorry, I have never heard such talk from my husband. As the others here have said, that is completely inappropriate.

I don't have any advice to offer, but I hope you do not end up putting up with such disrespectful behavior for the rest of your life. That is 100% unacceptable. How cruel, and mean spirited!

In our home, I make fun of my own size (my big bubble butt), and sometimes my husband chimes in ("I love your big bubble butt"), but that is the extent of "fat talk" in this house.

[gmanbat 5,889]

Well, it looks like I'm the first man to chime in here. Be gentle with me ladies.

There is a famine in this world for men who act like men. Real men are not abusive, insensitive, self-centered, and mean. That is just being stupid jerks.

Many men have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. A real man is strong and knows he is. He doesn't have to prove it to himself by pushing a woman or kids around. His knowledge of his own worth and power frees him to be gentle and kind. He knows he's a man so he is secure enough to cry, feel love, give love, and cherish his wife and kids. He doesn't have to have phony machismo. A man isn't a man because he is an ignorant barbarian.

I have been married for over 40 years to the same sweety. We've had our hard times especially during my "mid-life crisis". But our deep love for each other and our faith in God pulled us back together. She was so loving to me during my cancer treatment and has proven herself to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Picking on a woman because she is overweight just shows what a dredfully shallow, insecure, weak man you are. I pray that your husbands will get a good look at themselves and join the ranks of real men.

My sweety is 4 weeks out of RouxNY and is beeming because of her new body. I am crying as I write this because I a SO happy for her! I get the sleeve surgery on the 16th. We are going to live out the remainder of our days just as we started together; two very much in love, slender, healthy people walking on the beach and thanking God for the gift of our marraige.

[ShoeLover 141]

Gmanbat, your post brought tears to my eyes.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

Well, it looks like I'm the first man to chime in here. Be gentle with me ladies. :smile1:

There is a famine in this world for men who act like men. Real men are not abusive, insensitive, self-centered, and mean. That is just being stupid jerks.

Many men have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. A real man is strong and knows he is. He doesn't have to prove it to himself by pushing a woman or kids around. His knowledge of his own worth and power frees him to be gentle and kind. He knows he's a man so he is secure enough to cry, feel love, give love, and cherish his wife and kids. He doesn't have to have phony machismo. A man isn't a man because he is an ignorant barbarian.

I have been married for over 40 years to the same sweety. We've had our hard times especially during my "mid-life crisis". But our deep love for each other and our faith in God pulled us back together. She was so loving to me during my cancer treatment and has proven herself to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Picking on a woman because she is overweight just shows what a dredfully shallow, insecure, weak man you are. I pray that your husbands will get a good look at themselves and join the ranks of real men.

My sweety is 4 weeks out of RouxNY and is beeming because of her new body. I am crying as I write this because I a SO happy for her! I get the sleeve surgery on the 16th. We are going to live out the remainder of our days just as we started together; two very much in love, slender, healthy people walking on the beach and thanking God for the gift of our marraige.

AWESOME!! Thank you SO MUCH for posting this... this ladies is how a REAL MAN treats his Wife. So amazing, and yes there are still men out there like this. My hubby included.

Best wishes to you and your Wife!!!

[SunshineMom2 6]

Hey guys, sorry I havent been on to respond to the comments.. I've had this nasty cold from the weather going from hot to cold and back.. I've been trying to heal myself b4 the surgery in 7 days... WOW the time has past quickly since I made the date.. I cant believe it is around the corner.. I dont feel like I have lost any pre op weight and feeling sad about it.. I think my body realizes that I am stressed and needs that extra comfort to hold on to any fat I wanna lose..lol.. but i can rest assure that after the surgery I will lose.. it is just a matter of when and how much..

Ok getting back to why I am here...lol.. I just wanna say again how much your comments and support have lifted my spirits and confirmed what I knew a long time ago.. that this behavior isnt right and I deserve better.. but b4 I look for better I need to work on myself and that means changing who I am as a person.. inside and out.. once I get there I can then decide what is best for me..

I wanna give a little background on who I am.. My whole life has been about mental abuse.. my father was the sherriff of our small town and a law enforcement guy b4 then.. my mother was a very kind and forgiving woman but most importantly a very strong christain..she did anything and everything to find ways of help other ppl.. she worked as a special needs teacher and had a heart of gold.. I learned through my childhood that life is rough and we need to work on what God gives us.. I saw my mother abused many times in my life and always felt that wasnt right that she needed to get out.. but she never did.. her motto was that when we marry that was it.. in our family she believed that divorce isnt an option and that you work on things when it wasnt right... She past away when I was 18yrs old with a long battle of breast cancer.. it started when I was 10 and didnt get any better.. even in her time of sickness she always thought of others, was always willing to help or give tons of support.. she never gave up and I find that was a great quality that I learned from her..

they always say that when a daughter takes a husband that they will find a guy like their dad.. well in my case it was very true.. I just didnt realize it until yrs after my marriage and tons of conuseling that I was back in my childhood and didnt know what to do.. all I do know is the voice of my mother reaching out and saying that divorce wasnt an option that I needed to work on it.. I have worked many yrs on my marriage but it gets to the point when the one working on it gets tired and gives up... hence all the weight gain from many yrs of food abusing myself... that was the only place I could find comfort and feel satisfied...

I hear all the ladies that say they would never take this kind of abuse and that they would leave but no one will ever know how to react until they are faced with it.. this is all I know.. the counselors have told me that I cant recongize what true love is because I have never seen it myself.. all I know is abuse and it is hard to accept anything else.. I am a very strong christain woman and know that if I keep praying that one day god will set me free from these strongholds.. it may not be now but I know one day I will... whether it is here on earth or up in heaven... all I do know is that I am trying to be a great wife and mother and do what is right in the eyes of the lord... at the end of my journey i can say I did my best...

I do wanna say that I Do hear everyone and DO appreciate all the feedback you have shared.. it means a lot to me and trust me I have been thinking a lot about this since I have posted it.. it does open my eyes to the things that arent right and that needs to be changed.. I feel like all of you have empowered me to step up to have a voice again and tell him when things arent right.. so thank you all and sorry this letter was all over the place.. writing letters wasnt a strong point in my schooling.. so please forgive me on that..

oh and the lady that said it was good to have some education.. I wanna say that I do have a degree in radiology and worked many years in my profession b4 having kids.. so I do have something to fall back on.. it is another thing my mother taught me b4 dying.. to always have something to fall back on.. she also taught me to save for a rainy day.. you never know when you might need it to run away.. lol.. but right now my rainy day money is going for my surgery since he is making me pay for it.. it is self pay in Mexico but I look at it as a very good investment that I could give myself... plus if I ever leave him he couldnt say he gave me the body i will earn.. I would never give him that satisfation...

Dont worry guys.. I am a tough and strong woman with a basket of lots of emotions.. it is just a matter of when I have had enough that I will finally figure out what to do...

thanks again guys and please dont think i am knocking anything that anyone has said because it has all helped in my spirits... I ask one more thing of all of you.. could you please pray for me on the 21st.. I need all the prayers that day so i can get through this and return home to my kids and husband.. yes I said husband.. he isnt going with me and made me find a friend to take.. that choice wasnt his fault but his mothers that chose not to help watch my kids,, I know the whole family is screwed up and trust me I am mad about it... but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger..

have a wonderful weekend...

[swizzly 901]

I hear all the ladies that say they would never take this kind of abuse and that they would leave but no one will ever know how to react until they are faced with it..

For me, personally, I had some verbal/emotional abuse from my father, which is precisely why I deliberately chose a spouse who was not like that at all. I overreact sometimes when he's even verging on the slightly negative in any way, so I know it's an issue for me that I am hyper-aware of. Though I imagine you will become this way too, probably. I hope so.

I ask one more thing of all of you.. could you please pray for me on the 21st.. I need all the prayers that day so i can get through this and return home to my kids and husband..

Aw sweetie, we ALL wish you all the best for your surgery and will be very happy to have you join us on the sleeved side!! We will be thinking of you and waiting for your update afterward. Good luck to you!!

[fl_cowgirl 1]

I hate to tell you this but my father was mentally, verbally and physically abusive towards our mother when we were growing up (I was the oldest of 4). He is still mentally and verbally abusive but the physical has largely stopped but I think only because my youngest brother still lives at home and he is huge (6'4" and 300lbs) and my dad is a midget in comparison (5'11 170). He has never changed but I have no doubt that his behavior impacted all of us. I decided at a young age that I would not be with a man that was like my dad. Things did not turn out so well for my other siblings. My 32 yr old brother drifts from job to job barely surviving making money to support his next high. My sister is 23 and she is doing ok but she falls "in love" with every man she has a relationship with and she is such can't maintain a normal relationship because she is such a hot head. My youngest brother is 22 and he has a nearly 2 yr old daughter that he is nearly a single parent to because the baby's mamma wants to party like she is childless. Thankfully he has stepped up to his responsibility but he can't find a job to provide support which is why he lives with my parents (and his daughter). I really believe that if my mother had left my father regardless of how much our family would have struggled financially - we, the children, would have turned out better. Healthier and more stable. I am the only one of the four of us that has a stable, normal family. My husband and I have been married 16 years.

No one deserves to be belittled and talked to like that. Here is my hope for you; get your sleeve, lose that weight and gain the self confidence that you need to be able to stand up for yourself in the face of that foolishness.

Best wishes,

Hope

[Lissa 2,631]

I just want to say that I respect your religious beliefs, BUT I think you are doing yourself, your kids and your future grand kids a huge disservice.

In my own family I am seeing the results of abuse, on into the fourths generation. My grandpa beat and verbally abused his wife. All of his children have lingering problems because of it, from abusive marriages to drug and alcohol addictions. His grandchildren, including me, suffered as children from abusive and neglectful parenting. The great grandchildren, so far, are a mixed.bag.

Mine are the oldest and I really tried to break the pattern of abuse, but many of my cousins are addicts and/or in abusive relationships. The Bible says that what a man does will be returned to him even unto the fourth generation. That's certainly true in my family.

If you break the cycle of abuse now, perhaps your family won't endure what my family has endured.

Lissa

[yecats 109]

Hey guys, sorry I havent been on to respond to the comments.. I've had this nasty cold from the weather going from hot to cold and back.. I've been trying to heal myself b4 the surgery in 7 days... WOW the time has past quickly since I made the date.. I cant believe it is around the corner.. I dont feel like I have lost any pre op weight and feeling sad about it.. I think my body realizes that I am stressed and needs that extra comfort to hold on to any fat I wanna lose..lol.. but i can rest assure that after the surgery I will lose.. it is just a matter of when and how much..

Ok getting back to why I am here...lol.. I just wanna say again how much your comments and support have lifted my spirits and confirmed what I knew a long time ago.. that this behavior isnt right and I deserve better.. but b4 I look for better I need to work on myself and that means changing who I am as a person.. inside and out.. once I get there I can then decide what is best for me..

I wanna give a little background on who I am.. My whole life has been about mental abuse.. my father was the sherriff of our small town and a law enforcement guy b4 then.. my mother was a very kind and forgiving woman but most importantly a very strong christain..she did anything and everything to find ways of help other ppl.. she worked as a special needs teacher and had a heart of gold.. I learned through my childhood that life is rough and we need to work on what God gives us.. I saw my mother abused many times in my life and always felt that wasnt right that she needed to get out.. but she never did.. her motto was that when we marry that was it.. in our family she believed that divorce isnt an option and that you work on things when it wasnt right... She past away when I was 18yrs old with a long battle of breast cancer.. it started when I was 10 and didnt get any better.. even in her time of sickness she always thought of others, was always willing to help or give tons of support.. she never gave up and I find that was a great quality that I learned from her..

they always say that when a daughter takes a husband that they will find a guy like their dad.. well in my case it was very true.. I just didnt realize it until yrs after my marriage and tons of conuseling that I was back in my childhood and didnt know what to do.. all I do know is the voice of my mother reaching out and saying that divorce wasnt an option that I needed to work on it.. I have worked many yrs on my marriage but it gets to the point when the one working on it gets tired and gives up... hence all the weight gain from many yrs of food abusing myself... that was the only place I could find comfort and feel satisfied...

I hear all the ladies that say they would never take this kind of abuse and that they would leave but no one will ever know how to react until they are faced with it.. this is all I know.. the counselors have told me that I cant recongize what true love is because I have never seen it myself.. all I know is abuse and it is hard to accept anything else.. I am a very strong christain woman and know that if I keep praying that one day god will set me free from these strongholds.. it may not be now but I know one day I will... whether it is here on earth or up in heaven... all I do know is that I am trying to be a great wife and mother and do what is right in the eyes of the lord... at the end of my journey i can say I did my best...

I do wanna say that I Do hear everyone and DO appreciate all the feedback you have shared.. it means a lot to me and trust me I have been thinking a lot about this since I have posted it.. it does open my eyes to the things that arent right and that needs to be changed.. I feel like all of you have empowered me to step up to have a voice again and tell him when things arent right.. so thank you all and sorry this letter was all over the place.. writing letters wasnt a strong point in my schooling.. so please forgive me on that..

oh and the lady that said it was good to have some education.. I wanna say that I do have a degree in radiology and worked many years in my profession b4 having kids.. so I do have something to fall back on.. it is another thing my mother taught me b4 dying.. to always have something to fall back on.. she also taught me to save for a rainy day.. you never know when you might need it to run away.. lol.. but right now my rainy day money is going for my surgery since he is making me pay for it.. it is self pay in Mexico but I look at it as a very good investment that I could give myself... plus if I ever leave him he couldnt say he gave me the body i will earn.. I would never give him that satisfation...

Dont worry guys.. I am a tough and strong woman with a basket of lots of emotions.. it is just a matter of when I have had enough that I will finally figure out what to do...

thanks again guys and please dont think i am knocking anything that anyone has said because it has all helped in my spirits... I ask one more thing of all of you.. could you please pray for me on the 21st.. I need all the prayers that day so i can get through this and return home to my kids and husband.. yes I said husband.. he isnt going with me and made me find a friend to take.. that choice wasnt his fault but his mothers that chose not to help watch my kids,, I know the whole family is screwed up and trust me I am mad about it... but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger..

have a wonderful weekend...

I am glad that you are not this helpless little bird that has no wings. I believe you are more equipped than most of us might of realized. I also believe that God has equipped you to be very rezilliant in time of uncertain changes. It is your decision, only you know your husband and your situation. I know you have Christian values, as I do. I totally respect and admire your commitment. You also sound prepared incase of the worst scenerio, just a little word of advice, from past experience, (before my dear husband)...

Remember, when you become evidently stronger, he will become more insecure. This site can be a life line for you in many ways. Emotionally for the sleeve and also for you own self worth and esteem. I would be hestitant to share where all your new found insight is coming from. You will need this forum way more after being sleeved just to cope with health questions, issues and encouragement when Sleevy is not agreeing with you. Always come back on here and post please! I will be praying for you personally Sunshine!!! Big hug to you lady!!!

[mommy794 119]

I can't even begin to tell you how much we should be friends However, since being sleeved and dropping almost 70 pounds, my husband has three girlfriends on the side and is meaner than ever. Me thinks someone is a little miserable in their own skin and quite jealous now

Keep your head up and always remember that you are doing this for YOU!!!!!!!! You are in the business of you.

Your way too pretty to put up with that ****... ALOT of men are just to frkn blind and stupid to see what they have! Mine's sure not perfect either. My main concern or gripe will be if he starts treating me differently esp. in public. I'm always telling him O that's OK just walk 10 feet ahead like I don't exist back here!!! then he slows down and walks by me...but he does it again the next time. He knows this pissed me off! At home he is usually sweet and attentive most of the time so we will see after 2-6 if he changes his tune. It's alot of little things like that he does... nothing too major (at the moment) but it is still annoying to me. So when I'm thinner if he's hanging all over me in public and holding my hand I'm sure I will give him a piece of my mind!

[Thomas CPA 496]

from the male perspective, I have the same problem with my wife. She likes to yell, scream and I ate a lot from emotions caused by her that I allowed to affect me.

With therapy I learned to not let her get to me and now 6 months postop and 45 pounds lighter, goal weight, she is now losing weight and because I am calm, ignoring her when she screams, she is calming down.

Hang in there and realize you have the right to your feelings and stand your ground. You have support here but if you need some help to cope, get a good psychologist or therapist to help you cope.

[Tana_Q 20]

I hear all the ladies that say they would never take this kind of abuse and that they would leave but no one will ever know how to react until they are faced with it

Aw sweety I understand what you are saying. It's easy to say what one would do in a situation but unless you've been there.... BUT, I have been there. I was married for 11 years to an abusive alcoholic. He had no problem calling me all kinds of names and my low self esteem just took it. Until one day I didn't. I realized that I meant something. I was not all these awful things he said. I was better than that and needed to treat myself kindly. I got out of the marriage and never looked back. It is hard being married to an abuser so I get it.

The thing is, you don't realize how abnormal it is until you are out of the marriage. You don't realize how bogged down you are until you have some space from the abuser. I really think that everyone has their own threshold of what they are willing to put up with. You may not have hit yours yet. But just be aware, that is all the wonderful posters here are saying.