female only Husband Drama

[KaitlynnHughes 9]

So, here's the thing....this is a sticky situation! I figured i'd see what everyone here says because my family and friends are very biased in there opinions!

Brief History: My husband and I have been together for a very ROCKY 7 years....married for only four of those! We have 2 boys aged 2yr and 5yr...who are amazing...hehe!! Things have never been good....i chased him in college while he dated other girls (blinded by lust) and then ended up preggers! We moved in together trying to make it work for the baby....lots of shitty things were done to me at that time but once again i was stupid, insecure and i had a baby with him and wanted it to work! He cheated on me...cops were called once....my family grew a hatred for him during this time. Long story short....i always took him back!!! He graduated college and got a job in FL and insisted we were moving (we lived in PA our whole lives) and so me and the baby could be on his health insurance we thought we had to get married...so we did!!! FL was good...just typical bickering! THEN we moved back to PA and in with HIS PARENTS!!! They cause lots of fights between us constantly....but on night i let my guard down and hello baby #2!!! So we lived with them until he was 6months old and FINALLY bought our own house and moved out!! Well...that was 1 and 1/2 yrs ago and since then our relationship has been going down hill!! Alot of mental abuse from him towards me.....and lately towards the kids (which makes me sick)!!! In the past few years i've thought about leaving him numerous times...tried twice and went back! I think my lack of self esteem mixed with his manipulations has always been the stopping force!!!

Present day: I had my surgery in June and he's been no help...actually the opposite...like going to our favorite wing place the day i got home from surgery....ignoring my mother when she asked for help with the kids while she was taking care of me post op! he goes out when ever he wants!! he just bought a jeep after we talked about getting a mini van bcz we are bursting out of my little car!!! Its like he's pissed that i'm getting happy and healthy....he puts words in my 5yr olds mouth...like "mommy, you only buy food for you..none for us!!" Just because i'm cooking healthier...i still buy the kids their kid Snacks and fun foods!! i'm just more carefull...i don't want them to go through what i went through!!! Everything I do is wrong, and NOW he's acting suspicious of ME!!!

I do my hair and make up more now than the past few years bcz i like the way I look....i dress cuter bcz i can!! i don't flaunt it or rub it in!!! and no i am not intimate with him....haven't been for awhile but I don't know how anyone could emotionally bring themselves to be intimate with someone who has repeatedly hurt them!! He thinks bcz I leave early for work that i'm having an affair, every phone call i get he's listening in, and i'm going away this weekend to my girlfriends bridal shower and he's freaking out that i'm gonna cheat on him while i'm out there....BTW his cousin is going with me....he's acting insane and its almost like he's chasing me now like i did him in college!

I talked to a lawyer....they said to get my eggs in a row before doing anything drastic like leaving him. I have so much confidence now that I'm ready emotionally to take that step but i'm still scared!!!! I don't want people to think oh she got skinny and left him!! Bcz thats clearly not it!!! I grew confidence!!!

I guess what i wanted out of this post is to see if anyone else has gone through this or any advice would be helpful! Sorry this turned into a long rant but i really needed to get this off of my chest!!!

[thinoneday 445]

So, here's the thing....this is a sticky situation! I figured i'd see what everyone here says because my family and friends are very biased in there opinions!

Brief History: My husband and I have been together for a very ROCKY 7 years....married for only four of those! We have 2 boys aged 2yr and 5yr...who are amazing...hehe!! Things have never been good....i chased him in college while he dated other girls (blinded by lust) and then ended up preggers! We moved in together trying to make it work for the baby....lots of shitty things were done to me at that time but once again i was stupid, insecure and i had a baby with him and wanted it to work! He cheated on me...cops were called once....my family grew a hatred for him during this time. Long story short....i always took him back!!! He graduated college and got a job in FL and insisted we were moving (we lived in PA our whole lives) and so me and the baby could be on his health insurance we thought we had to get married...so we did!!! FL was good...just typical bickering! THEN we moved back to PA and in with HIS PARENTS!!! They cause lots of fights between us constantly....but on night i let my guard down and hello baby #2!!! So we lived with them until he was 6months old and FINALLY bought our own house and moved out!! Well...that was 1 and 1/2 yrs ago and since then our relationship has been going down hill!! Alot of mental abuse from him towards me.....and lately towards the kids (which makes me sick)!!! In the past few years i've thought about leaving him numerous times...tried twice and went back! I think my lack of self esteem mixed with his manipulations has always been the stopping force!!!

Present day: I had my surgery in June and he's been no help...actually the opposite...like going to our favorite wing place the day i got home from surgery....ignoring my mother when she asked for help with the kids while she was taking care of me post op! he goes out when ever he wants!! he just bought a jeep after we talked about getting a mini van bcz we are bursting out of my little car!!! Its like he's pissed that i'm getting happy and healthy....he puts words in my 5yr olds mouth...like "mommy, you only buy food for you..none for us!!" Just because i'm cooking healthier...i still buy the kids their kid Snacks and fun foods!! i'm just more carefull...i don't want them to go through what i went through!!! Everything I do is wrong, and NOW he's acting suspicious of ME!!!

I do my hair and make up more now than the past few years bcz i like the way I look....i dress cuter bcz i can!! i don't flaunt it or rub it in!!! and no i am not intimate with him....haven't been for awhile but I don't know how anyone could emotionally bring themselves to be intimate with someone who has repeatedly hurt them!! He thinks bcz I leave early for work that i'm having an affair, every phone call i get he's listening in, and i'm going away this weekend to my girlfriends bridal shower and he's freaking out that i'm gonna cheat on him while i'm out there....BTW his cousin is going with me....he's acting insane and its almost like he's chasing me now like i did him in college!

I talked to a lawyer....they said to get my eggs in a row before doing anything drastic like leaving him. I have so much confidence now that I'm ready emotionally to take that step but i'm still scared!!!! I don't want people to think oh she got skinny and left him!! Bcz thats clearly not it!!! I grew confidence!!!

I guess what i wanted out of this post is to see if anyone else has gone through this or any advice would be helpful! Sorry this turned into a long rant but i really needed to get this off of my chest!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. . . I read your post and didn't read anyone elses (therefore I will give you my honest opinion without knowing others answers) It seems to me you guys got married for all the wrong reasons and it's just getting worse. You sure don't need the abuse be it emotional, physical, or sexual. . .I can clearly see, from what you write, that both of you are very unhappy. . .you say you don't want the kids to go through what you went through with your weight so your' more careful in what you give them. . .honey, the kids are living your life right before your eyes. . . you may be protecting them from obesity, but how about the emotional distress seeing their parents always at each other? This distress will/can lead to obesity or unhealthy lives. . . you know as well as everyone on this forum that emotional eating from stress is a real bad thing. . . a situation like this is not good for kids or you. . . I understand that being alone with 2 kids is tough, but what is tougher? Being completely unhappy and fighting all the time or being content and trying the best you can to make those 2 kids the best they can be?

I am not going to tell you what to do, that choice will have to be yours to make. . but just think about what i've said. . . do you really want the cycle to continue through your children? It's starting already, he is coaching them what to say to you and how to make you feel lousy. . .Good luck and may the path you walk guide you in the right direction. . .

[Dawn 16]

Are you IN love with him? Yes, see a counselor and see if that will help, NO, LEAVE!

[Deakay 15]

I was married for 24 years to an alcoholic/drug abuser. He was very functioning and I didn't even know about most of his lifestyle, but that is neither here nor there A few things I've learned in life:

Your kids see your relationship and will recognize it as they form their own......that means your sons will think this is normal behavior. How much do you want them to grow up this way?

This behavior is not going to change. Your relationship is not going to change. He is not going to change. You COULD overcome it, but it will not change. It may deteriorate, but it will not change. This is a hard concept, but people are fundamentally unchangeable.

I see the way I have grown since my divorce, and even though I look at myself and see this "change" that I mention above cannot happen, in my soul I know I've grown, I've mellowed, I've done a lot of thinking, but the part of me that knows me best knows that I am basically the same, I have just learned to recognize traits in others and myself that I wasn't willing to see when I was in my 20's and 30's.

I had a 5-year plan prior to my divorce, and made it through 3 of those years before his addictions were beyond living with. I stayed together for the kids as so many do, and when it was all over I realized I didn't do anybody any favors. I wish I would have followed through when my kids and myself were younger. Starting over at almost 50 is not much fun, but it can be And it sure beats starting over in my 60's or 70's.

Find a therapist, for yourself, your family, your marriage. They teach you exercises to help you recognize what you need and if you're getting it. Go together, go alone, just go.......it does help. I won't tell you to stay or go, but you already know what you need to do, its the doing that is hard. Its going to suck, but it isn't permanent.

Today, life is pretty fabulous.........and a long time coming!

[wannasleeve 10]

I am sorry to hear that is going on, sounds like it has been a roller coaster of a marriage. I married my husband at 19, but because I loved him. We didn't have our first child until 3 years ago. Even at that age though I made sure my husband understood that he will not walk all over me and we have never been disrespectful or we don't curse at each other either. You have got to put some rules down and demand change sometimes.

Anyway, with that said I really think that the two of you need to make an attempt to go to a nice resturant or to the park or somewhere the two of you can be alone AND sit down and talk, listen, listen to each other and take it from there. Ask him how he really feels about you and see if he is willing to change. Let him know how you feel about him just be honest with each other.

I am a christian so I always say find a good church and attend regular and pray, the Lord can repair, renew and restore if both parties are willing.

But that is the questions, both parties have to be willing.

God bless and keep us posted!

Laura

[Tiffykins 672]

I'm a firm believer that if the relationship is rocky pre-major life change, the relationship will only worsen. And, now he's accusing you, and projecting his guilt and insecurities onto you.

For me, I would not stay. I just would not allow myself, or my children to endure the abuse and lack of a real marriage. I agree that exposing your children to this will forever imprint on their hearts and minds that this is the way "love and marriage" is supposed to be. Believe me, coming from an adult child of divorce(my mom finally left my abusive, alcoholic father after 23 years of marriage, I was 21 years old), I learned a lot from their relationship. I had my fair share horrible relationships(because that's all I knew), but something finally clicked and I realized that myself and my son deserved so much better.

Love and marriage is a choice we make every day. It doesn't sound as if the marriage is repairable at this point, nor does it sound as if either of you have a true desire to make it work. It won't be easy, but getting out would be easier than living in and allowing your children to see/hear/feel the toxicity of your marriage.

[SouthernSleever 228]

First off hugs to you. Second Get the F out of there. We are adults for him to be treating you this way is one thing but you said he's starting to do it to your kids. NO WAY! Those kids depend on you to make the best choices for you and especially for them. That right there would have my ass flying out the door. So pick up your skinny ass, your great kids and leave.

[Rebel 9]

My parents divorced after 42 years and I was in my late 20's. I cannot tell you how much happier they are now. Both have remarried and are truly happy for the first time in a long time. I so wish they had not waited so long to divorce. I grew up in a home where yelling, cussing and slamming doors was the norm. Not only that, but I had to grow up too fast standing up for my Mom and getting in the middle of their physical fights which is awful. It made me an insecure adult who avoided conflict and instead dealt with my stress & emotions by eating them away.

I am a wife & mom now and I find myself knowing what "not" to do based on my upbringing experience. The main things are love, trust & communication. My husband and I can talk about anything. It's not like we live in paradise all the time. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree but it is so much healthier than how I grew up. I did not want my son to grow up in an unstable house the way I did.

I will be praying for you. If your husband is willing to go to counseling with you, then I think you should try it. People can change but only if they want to and they accept help and follow through on it. I can only tell you that you have to make yourself happy, no one else can do that. Your kids feel everything you feel so even if you aren't saying it, they know you are unhappy and sometimes they can blame themselves if they don't understand what is going on.

God bless you as you make your decision. Wishing you the best, cause that's what all of you deserve.

[Rootman 1,101]

What I'd like to tell you is; kick him in the nuts - then leave his sorry ass. But DO get your ducks in a row first, women, and women with children are often the poorer for a failed relationship / marriage.

If you have someone or somewhere to settle then it sounds like you would be better off without him. Get counseling, both legal and marriage specific and start the process, perhaps he'll wise up - probably not from the way he sounds.

Warning: IANAL - just my 2 cents.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I kicked my husband out many years ago and raised my kids as a single parent. It was hard. do I regret it? No, but it was hard on me and the kids. The number one reason I ended that marriage was that he never grew up, never kept a job and was lousy as a house husband. I hated having to support the whole family, run the household etc and over time that turned into real anger and killed my love for him. Of course, since divorcing, he never paid child support and I still raised the kids on my own financially and otherwise.

I have a new love (last 12 years!) and you know, we have had some struggles too although I love him dearly. He has been a good step dad, but I still often crave an intimacy that I don't get from him. I guess the point is that it is always work.

I would strongly advise getting counseling since it kind of sounds like you both entered the relationship a little immature. Having someone to really talk things over with may help you. I think it will also help with avoiding any impulsive decisions and feel stronger with the decisions you do make. Losing alot of weight can be a head game for both you and your husband. It would be a shame to split up a family without trying to salvage things if you think there is any hope at all.

[treequeen 13]

No brainer... get ur eggs in a row and get the hell away from him. And who gives a flying fig if ppl think you left because you lost weight... if they want to hear the story, tell them ur happy to share what a bastard he has always been. Do you really want to raise your children in that kind of enviornment? I was in a similar marriage and left when my son was 1. He is 11 now and we are doing just fine while his dad continues to be a waste of space who continues to make zero effort. Don't let fear stop you from being happy.

[emily_0192010 168]

Alot of mental abuse from him towards me.....and lately towards the kids (which makes me sick)!!!

I'm very sorry to hear that you are in this situation. No one deserves to go through that. You are making the right choice to leave him, and the right choice by doing it properly with a lawyer. My mom was in a very similar relationship when I was young. They started off great but then he started to get mentally and emotionally abusive. I was around 10 at the time and he started saying things to me, little things that would hurt my feelings and make me cry. At this point my mom ended the relationship. It was the hardest thing ever for her and I can tell to this day that she still loves him and misses him, but she did it for me so that I wouldn't grow up in that type of situation. Stay strong! You are an amazing woman and mother.

[KATEYEZ0208 8]

If it took this surgery to gain your confidence back and realize your worth then kudos to you. You are making positive changes in your life and don't let anyone stand in the way of the victory you are trying to gain. No one is worth your tears and the one that is will not make you cry. I am young I have no children but I went through a similar situation at a earlier age and when you remove the additional dead weight you have been carrying all these years you will see even more of what you can accomplish. You are beautiful you are leading a healthier life for you and your boys so weed out all that is trying to hinder the endless possibilities you have in front of you. Those that want the best for you will not try to stand in the way of the things you ar trying to do to improve your life and lives of your children. You deserve the best and your boys deserve the best you. A person will only do to you what you will allow keep that in mind and stand up for you worth baby doll and it will all work out. I dont know you but I can't express to you how proud I am of you and how far you have came. Stay blessed and I wish you well

[KaitlynnHughes 9]

Thanks Ladies,

I have contacted the attorney....I got a day shift job that will allow me a set schedule with four days off per week in a row (i've been waiting a long time for this position and I finally got it!) Its almost like the stars are aligning! I hope nobody thought i was whining but I just really felt like I had to get it off my chest! Now for the hard part....physically and legally removing him from my life....not my kids...my life! I am looking for an apartment to rent for me and the kids....and i think i may just follow the legal advice to keep my plans hush hush until i'm out!! He's very vengefull-sp? My family is willing to help as much as they can but they all live 4+ hours away!! I'm going to visit them this weekend for a bridal shower and hope to make some plans for them to help me get out!! I've known for a long time to get out...it has just been an eye opener since the surgery how insecure he is becoming and I don't want my kiddos around it anymore! I already have so much damage control to do with them! I"m thinking after I start my new job and get settled next month i'm making my move!! Thanks for your support!!!

[Jane_J 117]

Good luck Kaitlynn, I think you are doing the right thing. Take care and watch out till you are out and safe. xx