Hi, this is a topic that was requested of me to write this post and ask for help by my therapist. She believes many of you will relate to, even if you don't post back....I'm reluctant because:

1. It's a heavy topic for me to post on the internet, to people I will never know.

2. It's exremely painful for me to even venture in this territory.

But it is something that is at the core of my where and who I am today, as a someone fighting to lose the psychological pounds I have put on over the years.

I was brought up in a highly dysfunctional family (to put it lightly), and there was sexual abuse, emotional deprivation and abuse, alcoholism, parental fighting and divorce, self-harm, para-suicidal actions and more things that I can't access right now. I was raped and beaten repeatedly by a boyfriend in high school, my best friend comitted suicide, I married a wonderful man who is also an alcoholic, and last year, my Mother passed away from breast cancer.

It was engrained into me as a child that I was fat (I wasn't even heavy or plump till a year after marrying my husband in 92) and utterly worthless. Most of me believes that to this day, but thanks to all of the therapy I'm in, medications and recently Al-Anon, I am learning that I might not be worthless. "might not".

My reason for writing this...I feel majorly worthless right now (I'm in a tough place in therapy AND my go to, bad food, has been taken away from me, by choice) and am having a bloody hell of a time fighting all the negetive "voices" in my head, and adhering to my diet. I was banded 5 years ago, gave up on it 4 years ago and got unfilled, then found myself back in the Doctor's office wanting to try again, three months ago. For two months I did very well, losing 20 pounds. Feeling that I understood my relationship with food, eating very well. I thought I had it in the bag. But this month, I am deliberately buying junk food to sabotage myself. I want to "hurt" myself by eating junk food. Obviously I am not in a good place.

My baggage got me to today, and frankly I am proud as hell to have made it to the age of 46. Albeit a confused 46. My therapist wanted me to ask of you how some of you overcame those negetive voices, hurtful relationships with food and became a successful Bandster. I'm not looking for "atta-boy"s or "you-poor-girl"s or "you-can-do-it"s...I'm down but not out. How do you fight the inner demons that make you reach out to bad foods for a coping mechanism? I mean, I know the tricks, but they're not working. I know that some day, I will know that answer, but it will take a long, long time. I want to be a successful Bandster like I was the last two months, now. You guys are doing so well, how do you do it? Can you even relate or am I just a freak?

Bless you for reading my post, and I'm sorry if I annoyed you and please do not pity me. I'm just looking for support...

I think the reason we fall back on bad eating habits is food is something that we can control when we may not can control other aspects of our life. You would think with that statement we shouldn't have any trouble eating right, but I still struggle with not eating all those things we know that we are not supposed to eat.

I was rebanded in August after we discovered my first band had a leak. I have to start over with all the liquids, etc. and am slowly adding back in food. It occured to me this week that eating right is a lot like quitting smoking. (I quit 27 years ago. I don't have cravings, but could still pick up a cigarette and smoke it.) There are things out there that we know we can't have and we have to make the decision to say no. While we might occasionally backslide, we have to get up and start again.

This may not be the response you are looking for, but it is how I cope with the food habit.

It's funny we just had this discussion in my LB support group last night and even the therapist there didn't even know how to change that mind set.

All I know is God does not make any junk! You are special, there is not one other person in this universe who is like you. You're stronger than you believe, just by your post. You are a survivor!

I'm not going to pity you or say poor girl. What I'm going to say is the past is the past, you can't do anything to change that. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet, so no need to worry about that. All you have is today and today you are a strong women, look what you survived, look what you were about to tell everyone here. You're brave to come out and say I hurt, can you help me. I've lived a life of hiding my hurt feelings, always joking around so no one would know. God Bless You, You deserve to love yourself and if you can't do that, know that me a complete stranger loves you and thinks you're worth everything this world has to offer. Start living!((((HUGS))))

I haven't been where you have been so cannot really help.But reading your story I think you are amazing. Many people that have been through what you have been through would not have come out the other side without major issues. Some would probably have perpetuated the cycle and become some kind of criminal, many would probably not be able to function.

I think that you should be proud of how strong you are of what you have achieved so far.There should be no reason to punish yourself as you are an amazing person. Instead you need to acknowledge that.

I hope you achieve every success that you dream that you will achieve.

I think acknowledging the problem is half the battle and you have done that. I understand fighting the sabotaging yourself, I do it anytime I get close to a goal. Why? I don't know. Fear of success? failure? or just wanting to make things hard on myself cause that is all I've know? What I do know is if I keep at it and meet that goal, the pride I feel is overwelming. It gives me the courage to keep trying. Those little voices in our head can really mess with us! But we CAN BEAT THEM! just do it one day at a time, or one hour, or one minute, whatever it takes to get through it, Remeber the serenity prayer it helps me get through a lot of tough times. I also had an alcoholic husband and spent a few years in al-anon. It's funny how us "co-dependence" seem to beat ourselves up more than anyone else. Take care.

Gigi, Maddysgram, elcee and ajtexas.... First, I want to thank you for so kindly responding to my plea's for help. I'm in a bad place and I needed your ears/eyes.

No, I am not in control of my life at the moment. I think maybe I am trying to take control of my life, even if it's deciding to sabotage myself and my journey. Sounds weird, I know, but it's easier to control with learned reinforced bad behaviour than with new, difficult behaviours like my dieting, journaling my food journal. It's easier to fail than to fight to succeed. (I'm coming up with this stuff as I write) Hm, something else to think about. Gigi_Girl, I'm so proud of you for quitting smoking completely, I hear cigarettes are one of the hardest addictions to quit! And good luck with your new Band.

My therapist is admittedly stuck on this issue of why I "have" to eat bad foods. I mean, she has shed alot of light on the subject, as she has worked with many addicts. She just felt I should get some inpu by those going through the Band journey. Maddysgram, it was very, very hard to take in your kind words of wisdom, but a few things helped me. "Tomorrow hasn't happened yet..." "You're brave to come out..." "...me a complete stranger loves you..." have all been allowed inside, and helped me for that moment.

My past has not made me a criminal, a drinker, a drug user, etc. I guess that's a very good thing! Elcee, I did walk away with major issues, but I consider myself a genuine, honest, caring individual in spite of my issues. I see that I have achieved very little in my life but be a survivor. I'm a fighter, which is why this whole thing about fixating on cheating myself and my diet, is baffling. I never give up, not for long anyways. Your positive comments embarras (how do you spell that!) me, but secretly it's nice to hear.

ajtekas- I have a history of sabotaging things when they go well, and I was doing very well. Is it because of fear of success? Is it because of fear failure? It it because it's all I know? All of the above. I was proud of myself for adhering to the program and I think it was overwhelming for me. Didn't deserve it. I say the serenity prayer everyday, everyone should. I started Al-Anon four weeks ago, and I honestly feel blessed to have the kinship of those who share my experience with alcoholism and the family. And, yes, we members do beat ourselves up!

Tomorrow is a new day. There are many success stories to help me along. I so hope I get more responses to this...every one of you makes a difference to me. My therapist would thank the four of you! And I thank you. (*bows down*)

My heart goes out to you! We all have our own struggles, some much harder than others. I pray you find peace within you and that you live the rest of your days one day at a time. You are very special woman, strong and a fighter! You can do this and most likely you will help others along your path as I believe this is the type of good hearted person you are.

I struggle with my head telling me I want food when I am not even hungry. I try to dig down and figure out why, but honestly I am not sure why I get this way. Am I sabotaging my goals? Currently I am doing well, but I don't want to go back to regaining the weight that I've done in the past. For me I am reading, logging my food, and trying to do whatever I can to change my bad habits and live each day as a new day, a healthier way of living.

Life is short and I've wasted enough days. I lived for everyone else in my lifetime and now it's my turn! It's your turn too! We all deserve a second chance! Go for it... I love you too, your words spoke to me.

pkb, I think I know which parts of my post you had a hard time with and with what your life dealt you, I don't blame you. I can answer some of your questions, but not here. PM me if you would like to talk about it.

Today is another new day, be good to yourself. Stand in front of your mirror today & everyday a say " I love you, you are a good person", 3 times until it sticks.

You are loved!

I have gone through some if the things you mentioned and we SURVIVED. I just lost my mother from complications with the bypass and i am scared beyond words. You have spoken to your counselor and people on here have said some encouraging words. Here is what helps me.

First let me say I LOVE food. That is why I have let myself get to the size I am. I have many comfort foods an I go to them when I think I need them. There are many excuses that I make for eating bad foods, but here is the deal. You have 2 choices. 1- accept things the way they are. If you do this you will die an unhappy person with the same health problems that you currently have and may have more. 2- change things. This is when you think about what you want out of life and go get it.

The things that have happened to us in the past, is what has made us who we are today. There are things in my past that I want to forget, but I can't. So I continue to be the best ME that I can be. I am living for myself and my kids, and if other people don't like it, they can remove themselves from my life.

Remember you are you and you are doing your best. When you do your best, you hold your head up high. Life can be good if you want it. We will make mistakes. When you have the BAD DAYS, eat your ice cream. Then on the GOOD days, eat your healthy foods. You will start to see that the GOOD days come more often than the BAD.

This was a hard thing for me too. I was a perfect eater for about a year after my surgery, and then I started bingeing out of no where. It got bad and I was scared that I was going to ruin my band. So I decided that I needed to be in control and decided to see a therapist to work on my binge eating disorder. It was something that was a problem before surgery, but sort of "magically" disappeared after, but then came back, rearing it's ugly head. One very helpful thing that made me feel more in control when I wanted to binge was a tracking sheet she had given me.

It makes you write down on a chart the date and time, hunger level (scale of 1-10, 10=stuffed 1=starving), feelings and thoughts, food/quantity, place/context, if it was planned or unplanned, was the eating mindful or reactive, hunger level after, and feelings and thoughts AFTER eating.

The hardest part for me was that you are supposed to start writing down the first 3 things (listed above) WHILE it's happening. For me, this made me feel like I might have the power to be in control because it made me actually think about it/face it WHILE it was going on. That then made me feel empowered to have something small and gave me the will power to wait the binge out and know that I would be okay.

Maybe this would be helpful? I just know that it really helped me, so maybe my sharing this will help others. I will see if I can scan and upload a copy of the chart at work tomorrow if anyone is interested.

wtloss, even with all I have been through, I know that there are many who have been through more. Or if only one thing has happened to them, maybe it affected them much harder than my crap did. IDK, everybody has their own demons and how it affects them. I had some training on how to handle others with crisis', not much, but I enjoy helping others, I really do. It sounds like you have a good plan in place to deal with the elusive head hunger. Alot of people struggle with that, we are not alone! And I love you back! Especially when you said my words spoke to you. All I ever want in life is to make a difference for somebody.

maddysgram, I'd love to take youradvice about looking in the mirror and saying "I love you, I am a good person." but my self hatred is such that it backfires on me and I just get mad and upset. Beside's, I very rarely look in the mirror, I can't handle it. I am working on that in therapy as well as Al-Anon and my Higher Power. But don't worry, sometimes I take a peek! I so appreciate your kindness!

nothingwasleft, I am SO sorry you had to go through anything bad! It's so unfair and unfortunate. Please accept some love... I like the two choices you expressed to me, and you're right on both. I will take the challenge of your step two, change. But for me, my therapist says I need to accept what my life dealt me (harder than you think) and then change things. But in a WL perspective, I see what you mean. I don't want to die young, or have a heart attack or whatever. Hell no. That's why I jumped back on the bandwagon three months ago, I need to live. But you know, I don't know what I want in life, I have no dreams, no desires. Living is about it for this person. It's warming to see that you have chosen yourself and your precious children to live for. You're a very lucky woman!

esch, I'm sorry to hear you were doing so well but then your BED snuck up on you. But you were perfect for a whole year, that's something to be very proud of! I'm glad you chose to deal with it head on, in therapy. So many folks I know could use a little insight/intervention from a therapist. I hope you find what you are looking for. Stay on this forum, the people here are so awesome! Yes, I'd be very interested in you uploading a copy of your "journal." I'd bring it in to my nutritionist and work on it with her. And I think other people would find it helpful too! We so badly need to be accountable for our eating, and the moods, feelings and circumstances around it. I keep a basic food journal that my NUT gets every month, unfortunately, she keeps them and I find myself at a loss of food ideas when it comes to planning my week. I'm always in the search for food ideas and recipes.

Well, I know that my nutritionist is going to freak when she see's this months food journal. I'm not proud of it myself. But, it is what it is. Like all of you reminded me (something I find myself reminding others oddly enough), tomorrow is another day. Hopefully with all the support I have in place will draw me back into focus. I definitely feel loads better having heard all of the above stories. I felt the love, which I so desperately needed in a WLS persons point of view. It's impossible for me to love myself, but I can honestly say....something inside me feels love for you all.

I have most of my marbles, so if any of you need a little help or a kind word, I am HERE! Maybe then I could go back to being the one giving advice instead of needing it myself.

:wub: [God]. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...and the Wisdom to know the difference. :wub:

Just put the note on your mirror. whether you look in the mirror or not you will see the note and remember you are loved.

My goodness, just reading your post, you are so freaking strong!

again (((((((hugs))))))!

I will, I will! jeesh. :ph34r:

...and thanks...

This thread brought tears!!

First of all.... I tell people all the time that my family is a Jerry Springer Special. People snicker and it breaks the ice, but they have NO IDEA how true it is.

I wont go into details b/c "one upping" is a bad habit to start! :-)

I have gotten to a point where I can say: "I am not perfect, but I am not so bad either."

Your posts are teeming with intellect, compassion, enlightenment, charm... I could go on and on!

So all I can say is IN SPITE of the people who have tried to tear you down, you ARE going to blossom.

You are surrounding yourself with a support system here on this board. You are allowing yourself the benefits of therapy. You ARE setting yoyr self on the road to succeeding!

If you are honestly journaling all your junk for the dietitian .... that's tremendous!!! You are taking ownership of your missteps. You may not understand the why you do it, but I completely believe you will be successful.

It might sound cheesy... but I am very PROUD of you!!!

The child of an alcoholic here. Didn't know that the damage was so far reaching for me until the past year. Got divorced, got into therapy, got my band. food is comfort for me. Filling an empty hole only I feel/see. Covering up anxieties at work or socially. Thin people will ask "but does it make you feel better?" yeah! It does sometimes. Soothing. Comforting. It's what I know? I was banded 9/10. Down 22#.

Here is a trick I use in the car. I love to eat in the car. In private. In shame. When I want to eat something I shouldn't (fast food is my drug of choice). I drink some Water. I put a piece of gum in my mouth, I get out a bottle of lotion and I close my eyes and put lotion on my hands and arms slowly . Calming. And I breath deeply and repeat a mantra. My go to is "I am what I am. And it's enough.". I'm struggling with self esteem this year. Some of the more powerful ones don't ring true for me. But I'll work myself up to them! usually the cravings pass and then I quickly make myself busy.

Bless you on your journey!

Was nice to read this thread. Thanks for sharing. Like most everyone here, food was my coping mechanism, and now pretty lost on what else to do when things get overwhelming. I wish I had kids or something to distract my thought. It's tough. Hope I figure out something soon, and that u do too.