Hi

Both me and my husband are overweight. He is still going thru the process to get the lapband. I am trying to be very supportive through this time, but all i keep thinking is what if he looses weight and just leaves? We have been trying to conceive for over a yr and a half with no luck and all have heard it might be our weight. Our insurance doesnt cover infertility & the costs are way to high to see a infertility dr. He is trying to encourage me to also go to the dr to see about having the surgery, but I feel like he just wants me to look a certian way because he is. I would LOVE to loose weight we have tried many of diets together he lost a total of 84 lbs and I have lost about 30 lbs. We are still on a diet thru his process and sometimes it's still as struggle.

When he came back from a meeting i made the comment of him caring more about his surgery then trying to concieve and we got into argument about it. I was in a funk because all our friends have recently have a baby. I mean we has been spending money for every dr visit. he had to spend a pretty penny to see a nutritionist & psychologist. I was just upset because we aren't getting younger and I know he wants me to get surgery so we can both be happy but i'm scared if i dont he will probably leave.

This is a subject that is hard. I will tell you- I am the overweight one, my husband isn't- he worries too. All I can say is he married you because he loves you. And if he didn't, then he's not worth it- BUT

He probably really is much more concerned about your health and having children. Why don't you consider lapband as a way to lose weight to be healthier when trying to conceive? Weight for a woman can sometimes be a factor. Plus, when you get pregnant they unfill you, then after you have the baby they can just refill you to lose the weight and be healthy for you, your husband and your children!

As a mom of 4 who has been overweight for 20+ years, I can't wait to not be the fat mom, and to be able to keep up with and have the energy for my little ones!

I know you're scared- any big change by a spouse that upsets the status quo can be hard. Just remember, he really loves you and is looking for ways to keep you strong and healthy for many., many more years!

Wouldn't the surgery help you to concieve, since it would help you to lose the weight? It may be that your husband loves you and wants you to be healthy and do this with him and not that he prefers you look a certain way. I know for me, my partner is not the healthest weight and I try to encourage dieting, etc. but it is certainly not because I want her to look a certain way, I want her to be healthy.

I hope it works out for you, it can be a very emotional time for the two of you, trying to have a baby, lose weight etc. Good luck and God Bless!

I would say that under most circumstances ( having been through a lot of fertility problems myself) that its normally weight that affects the womans fertility more than a mans ( sorry )

The mere fact of trying can cause enough stress to make it difficult for you to concieve too. Dont concentrate on what your friends have or havent and concentrate on making both of you as healthy as possible. Being banded does mean that you have to 'care' about the band in order to make it a success.

Do you qualify for banding ? to travel this journey together would probably lead to better chances of both the band working and the chances of conceiving increasing.

Its very hard to help with such an emotional situation but please try explaining how you feel to your husband, it needs u both to sit down without arguing and really communicate and plan what you both need to do to increase your chances.

I know a few people on the forum have experienced their partners becoming a little unsettled that if they lose the weight they will just suddenly leave, so what u are feeling seems quite common. If necessary maybe see a counsellor, or seek help from another support ..

Theres nothing to stop you going with him to the support groups

I wish you good luck

If you seriously believe he will leave you if you dont lose weight or that he'll leave you if he gets thin...this is not a solid relationship in the first place...not one to bring a child into! Get some counseling!!! This needs to be fixed BEFORE you are even thinking of having a child...

If you seriously believe he will leave you if you dont lose weight or that he'll leave you if he gets thin...this is not a solid relationship in the first place...not one to bring a child into! Get some counseling!!! This needs to be fixed BEFORE you are even thinking of having a child...

Totally agree, if he loves you he will be there whether your are fat or thin. When considering children your relationship needs to be stable or the children tend to be the ones who suffer. Also, remember God has a time for everything, he's in control. Goodluck.

The other thing is, unless you surround yourself with people who love you for you , you are at HI RISK to fail this band...and are already failing at life...people you love should see the lovely soul you are and value that and if not...Hit the Road Jack!

Totally agree, if he loves you he will be there whether your are fat or thin. When considering children your relationship needs to be stable or the children tend to be the ones who suffer. Also, remember God has a time for everything, he's in control. Goodluck.

Dear ready, thanks for backing me up...I thought I sounded like a b***h but its important to speak the truth...this is an epic struggle and not for wimps! My first year or so was insane but now I am at a point where it is pretty easy...I just finally tried on my wedding dress (married in 1989) yesterday and it was the tiniest bit loose...life is good!

Struggling with infertility is difficult. I know it is. Having to have sex at certain times of the month, sex becoming all about trying to have a child, your self esteem takes a beating. Add to that now that your husband is trying (rightly) to get into the mindset he NEEDS to not only get this surgery but follow through with what needs to be done, I can see why you're struggling with feelings of self-worth. I know, because I was there just 6 years ago. I tried to have a baby for 5 years with my ex-husband. Infertility is one of the most stressful, difficult things I have ever faced.

My ex-husband was a personal trainer, and took great pains with his appearance, and I was the heavy one. When we were trying to conceive, every time he mentioned my weight as a possible reason for us not having a child, it felt like a stab to my heart.

But let's face facts. Being overweight hurts your chances of conceiving. That's the truth. He needs to be able to say that to you without you taking it as a personal attack. Be objective. Infertility is a painful subject, and there seems like there is so much blame that gets flung around. But put that aside for now, and think about what YOU need to do to increase your chances of conceiving, and not only that, but being there for your child, running and playing with your child, being healthy enough for your child for years to come. I know it's hard to not get hurt, but it doesn't mean you don't rise above it. I wish I had.

Your husband has a big event ahead of him. He should be concentrating on doing this, and doing this right. Don't begrudge him that. He needs your support and in turn, I would hope he supports you too.

And just as a note: my ex is now my ex because, very generally speaking, infertility was something that left an indelible mark on us we could not overcome. The story is long and complicated but there are things I wish I'd done differently, despite the fact that I am glad now that we split. But if you love your husband and he loves you, then work at it.

It sounds like you are going through a stressful time in your marriage. I know when my DH and I are going through the inevitable downs, every little issue is magnified and seems to become totally unmanageable. Perhaps some counselling would be helpful for you both at this time.

My reading of your initial post (and this is totally my own interpretation so could be way off!), is that you are feeling very uncertain about yourself because you haven't conceived, because you are overweight and because your DH is making some positive, albeit major changes. Each of these is unsettling and can make you feel bad, but all together - phew!

I hope you are able to pull together and come through these times as a stronger and happier couple. Not all infertility can be resolved so you may need to find ways to grieve for the children you never get to have. Make sure that you do this together, if that is the case.

Good luck.