Non-scale Defeat

Drama Queen · June 3, 2005

First off I want to say congrats on your weight loss and you have every reason to be proud of yourself for your accomplishment. A loss of 35 pounds is great indeed.

Second, I understand what your going through. My husband felt that I was not doing a good enough job on watching the amount of food I was eating for dinner so he started weighing it for me !#@? Unfortunately I knew my DH was going to be "0" support on this but, I found support on this board and through friends. We do go to counciling and through it I am learning that I do not need him for validation of myself. Pat yourself on the back dear sister of the band because we all see what a good job your doing and sooner or later he will too.

the best me · June 3, 2005

And Kathy, Please let me know what YOUR husband says when you ask him if he is proud of you!

I tried to post this earlier but when I sent it I had lost my server and I lost the post! Oh NO! so I took it as a sign to keep my mouth shut...but now that youv'e asked... here's the transcript:

"Honey, are you proud of the 17 pounds I've lost so far?"

"Well, sure I am!"

"Even though I lost it with the band? Do you think I should have been able to do it on my own, without the band?"

"Sure I do, but your'e you. (pause) If it were me, I would have lost it without the band but I'm not overweight. I'm me and your'e you. Now quit asking me these questions..gettin' me in trouble!" (grin)

"Well, there's this girl on the board who's husband said he wasn't proud of her losing 35 pounds because she did it with the band"

"He's an idiot! He ought to know better than say that. (pause) Remember that old black guy I used to work with at Magna? He said, 'you can think it, but 'cha can't say it', there's alot wisdom in those words". (grin)

And that was the end of that, so i don't quite know what to think! hehe I think my husband has come to understand that he has no idea about my struggle with my weight. He can't change it, fix it, advise me through it, none of that. Like he said, I'm me. He likes that the band is helping me, he's encouraged that it will work to help me get my weight off. And he'd be happy with me at 170! I want 140 though. We'll see.

I'm sure you didn't marry your hubby for no good reason, and his one idiotic comment isn't fully representative of any good sides he might have. You are no dummy so he must be alright for the most part. Men who are the breadwinners tend to take on the emotional burden of the financial responsibilities. Not that women don't, but for my hubby it used to come out in occasional resentments...I could sense them and he had no words for them. He's much better now than when I first quit work after our oldest was born. Part of his problem was worry about work. When he quit worrying, he quit trying to find blame for financial struggles. We are not rolling in the dough over here, but we get by. So it's much better now that his attitude has changed. It took almost 4 years for that to happen. SLOW, but he's better now. Love him through it. He'll be alright. You are the only possible winner in this game now, because you will lose the weight and look and feel GREAT! Despite him. Sure, he will enjoy your victory as well, but since you did it with the band, he's no longer allowed to be TOO happy about it!

Let us know when he comes around. Have you showed him this thread? Dare ya!

Zoe · June 3, 2005

Tool use is one of the characteristics that separate the higher developed beings from lower ones.

Brava, Crystal!

Well, M's Mom, you've received some great responses here. Much as I'd like to kick your hubby's ass (and I can do it virtually by posting my giant foot photo), I have to admit that he said what a lot of people think: That the band is cheating, a crutch, the easy way out. . . you get the picture. There's a recent LBT thread on exactly this subject.

Sure, you can tell him to pound nails with his forehead -- but I bet if you ask him to start watching how you cook and eat, he'll realize exactly how much work the band requires. Especially if you're cooking big meals for him but only able to eat small portions yourself!

You've lost 35 pounds (and still counting). You took the steps you needed to make that possible. So I think you deserve plenty of credit -- and if your husband uses his bean, he'll realize it too.

BTW, do y'all think I could get one of those electric dog polishers on eBay? The pup could use a little buffing.

Infaith · June 3, 2005

A great big CONGRATS on losing the 35 pounds!

As for your hubby...what can I say...he's male and they're idiots and extremely insecure most of the time. I worry that it won't get better, but worse as you lose more weight. I know if I had ventured to do this while married, my then husband would have probably reacted the same as yours and the more I lost, the more insecure and critical he would be come. I hope the best for you and pray he realizes that he is married to a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman that he should feel lucky to be hooked up with.

LivinNY · June 3, 2005

~OMG~ How insensitive can he get!!... No matter what you accomplish in your life he should be the "ONE" person you can turn to for support! I think you should copy this whole thread and hang it on your refrigerator so he can read what a butt head he is!!!

Just my two cents!

Madeline's mom · June 3, 2005

I just want each of you to know how great you have made me feel! I am reading these at work and have a huge grin. Thanks for being honest and letting me know that you know that you care! Kathy, I think your husband is really sweet and has alot of insight!

Road Queen · June 3, 2005

35 pounds is a victory - no matter what. I'm not married and don't even have a date so I can't make any comments on what anyone would tell me. I'm a little assertive so I think my past dates have usually only told me what they think I wanted to hear.

Anyway, my cousin was banded in October and has lost about 50 pounds. Her husband is very proud of her and proclaims it continually. He knows she wants to live a longer healthier life so they can enjoy more time together.

Just come to the board for support for this and someday your hubby may realize just what this has meant for the two of you.

Vera · June 3, 2005

So proud of you too!

Yesterday when I first read this post it had me pissed off. I went off thinking about issues like insecurities, who paid for the band, fears of you leaving him...then today I'm reading all the wonderful posts of knowledge.

The main thing my soul mate said when I got the band is "This is for your Health!"

Please keep smiling!

I love all the phrases on the thread...What's an electric dog polisher? If I took tools away from my man he'd die...

Jonathan · June 3, 2005

A great big CONGRATS on losing the 35 pounds!
As for your hubby...what can I say...he's male and they're idiots and extremely insecure most of the time.

Present company exlcluded, right? =)

vinesqueen · June 3, 2005

I love all the phrases on the thread...What's an electric dog polisher?

It's from a Steve Martin comidy sketch from "let's get small" The exact quote "I love money, I love everything about it. I'm into bread. I've bought some pretty cool stuff. $300 pair of socks, a fur sink. Oh, an electric dog polisher, a gasoline powered turtle neck sweater, and of course, I bought some dumb stuff too..."

DeLarla · June 3, 2005

I thought I was the only one on earth that had Steve Martin albums memorizes! Thanks for the memories of $10,000 worth of cat toys; don't you hate when it goes under the couch? Gimme that, gimme that!

I'm sorry if I came off too harsh on hubby from the original post, but I've been a little irked at men in general lately. ALL of them except darling Jonathan, that is!

Jonathan · June 3, 2005

ALL of them except darling Jonathan, that is!

*mwuah*

Madeline's Mom, if your husband's attitude doesn't change, and you one day kick him to the curb for it, please feel free to add his weight to your total weight loss.

Jonathan

P.S. For what it's worth, it does seem like the most likely reason for his attitude is pettiness over the money issue. And if that is the case, I think he'll come around. Money just isn't that important, and he'll figure that out. I wonder how many people who have died of a heart attack in their 50s would have paid $15,000 to have lived 20 more years.. or even lived the SAME amount of time, with a MUCH higher quality of life.

vinesqueen · June 3, 2005

I thought I was the only one on earth that had Steve Martin albums memorizes! Thanks for the memories of $10,000 worth of cat toys; don't you hate when it goes under the couch? Gimme that, gimme that!

and you can't return 'em, becaue they have spit all over 'em!

My DH said he knows a real easy way you could lose an extra 200 or more pounds...

bandit · June 3, 2005

*mwuah*
Madeline's Mom, if your husband's attitude doesn't change, and you one day kick him to the curb for it, please feel free to add his weight to your total weight loss.

Jonathan

OMG!! Can I do this too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoo hoo I need to get a ticker girls!! 220 pounds gone never to return and no band yet!!

Jammin & Losin · June 4, 2005

Mary Emily~I'm not really sure what to say ! I can only imagiine how bad this made you feel to hear these words from someone you love. I just wanted you to know that I'm proud of your weight loss and I hope in time your husband will see how important this is to you and how much it has helped your self esteem and health. (((HUGS)))