self esteem

[KatW 0]

Brandy,

i am going to bypass all the back and forth and address your original question.

I believe it is possible to be overweight and have healthy self esteem- I would characterize it for myself as self love. Whithin that love I can still be aware and addressing my character defects. They will always be there whether I am fat or thin. I will always be able to act from the best of myself or the worst.

I have lived my life as both a fat person and a thin person. When I was young and fat, I hated myself for what I saw as my hugeness. When I was thin, I indulged in a smug arrogance that I was somehow superior to my former self because I had conquered my weight problem- really I replaced that weight problem with an exercise problem. In reality, I worried constantly that I would lose it all (ie be fat again and therefore without value) I was unable to enjoy my hard work. In fact, my hard work became a prison. Instead of being a food addict, I was an exercise bulimic. I was not so different at all, only the package was different.

When I was young and fat, I was filled with self hate. When I was young and thin, I was filled with self hate that I directed at others. i was so afraid I would lose control. I hated anything that reminded me of my former self. Eventually, I did lose control- as we all do when we are acting from outside ourselves. ANd it was the best thing that ever happened. I was still the same person, different package. I had to learn a different way of being. Now here I am, years later- still fat but healthy and happy, with a husband who loves me(I never would have allowed him in my life until I learned to love myself first. I wouldn't have been able to tolerate his positive and unconditional regard.) i have a life that is full, rich and overflowing with more abundance than i could ever have thought I deserved as my younger self.

And I have all of it fat. I think you are very couragious to put these questions out there. It isn't easy to be on a quest- which I think you are. (Know that sounds corny).

To conclude my long winded post. I think that fat people's choices and mistakes are written on our bodies in a way that other peoples are not. But I believe that our mistakes are no greater than any one elses. If they are worth something, so are we all. We are all the products of our choices. We tend to focus on the bad, but we are all a mixed bag. Look at your good stuff. Work on those and the bad will diminish in comparison. What grows in us is what we feed- no pun intended.

[tommaney 0]

cheese makes my self esteem happy :redface:

I love it. Truth can be so pithy.

Oh yes, and thank you for that post, KatW. I identify with so much of what you said. I was thin for about a minute it high school (well, it felt like a minute) and I believe my hate for my body image found other avenues. But, like so many, I couldn't keep up staying thin in a healthy way. "Look at your good stuff"! Sage advice : )

Edited June 21, 2008 by tommaney

[brandyII 9]

KatW,

Thanks I needed to hear that and you are a very insightful person. I think some of us learn this lesson at a later age than others. I wish I could have felt as good about myself now as I had when I was younger and even thinner or fatter. Maybe it's a blessing that comes with age, who knows.

I have ridden the self esteem roller coaster with my husband. I met him in 1978 and we've been together pretty much ever since. When he first met me I was fat and saw me go up and down with my weight and never said anything derogatory about it. He didn't have to because of my self loathing during that time I took care of it for both of us and it was a toxic part of our relationship, not the fat but my self loathing.

This gift of self esteem that I'm acquiring now by actually studying and also learning from you great peeps is a gift that I've also giving to him and our relationship. Is a marriage or relationship better with a happy person or a miserable one? It doesn't really matter if my body is fat or thin to him it's how I am inside that counts. It may sound crazy to most people who read this, but it's very true for me at least.

Sex is not just an expression of lust, although that part is nice but you're expressing to one another how much you love and appreciate them in a physical, emotional and mental sense. Everything always goes to sex in these threads!!!

Thanks, brandyII, one who is working on her self esteem at this point in time and hopes to continue to do so even if she is berated by a few miserable people who don't seem to get it...................:redface:

[georgia girl 35]

Georgiag,

I'll move on when people stop posting me about it! This is not my first negative encounter with Jachut and will not be my last.:redface:

I'm still passionate about everything I've said and she's moved on to Rants and Raves so unless you want to discuss self esteem in the Mental Health and Lapband Life Social Group you should probably move on also because this is not the appropriate place for it, thanks brandyII:thumbup:

Hey, ya'll are the one's who started it, so don't lecture me on this not being the appropriate place! Practice what you preach. This started out about self-esteem until you turned into something else. No one to blame but you for that one. I'm finished here, so best of luck to you!

[brandyII 9]

Is this fricken grade school now, people grow up!!!

[Froggi 4]

cheese makes me happy :redface:

[brandyII 9]

froggi, it's okay go to your happy place. I sense you are upset we won't let the bad people hurt you! By the way, is your happy place on a lily pad?

[Froggi 4]

oooo i wish i had a lillypad

[Froggi 4]

im confused im in the chatroom and people are telling me if i lose weight on my 6 month diet for insurance that insurance will deny me WTF?

[brandyII 9]

im confused im in the chatroom and people are telling me if i lose weight on my 6 month diet for insurance that insurance will deny me WTF?

Well I don't know what they're talking about. My surgeon put me on a 5 week liquid diet to shrink my liver (I think that's what that was) and also I thought it had something to do with proving that I was capable of losing weight. Well I lost 25 pounds and I think my daughter lost around 40 prior to surgery. I'd ask them for specifics. I mean are they talking doctors, insurance, what???:confused:brandyII

[brandyII 9]

Froggi, you know what's better than a lily pad, a three foot above ground pool with a queen size air mattress! Libations and men are optional.:redface: A girl can only dream!!!!

[Froggi 4]

my nutritionist and nurse told me if i lose it wouldnt matter because id still have a bmi higher than 40

[brandyII 9]

Froggi, don't worry about it! You're going to be fine! If you need reassurance ask your own doctors. I don't think I even had approval until one week prior to surgery and I didn't worry about it because everything was being handled the way it was supposed to be. But you can always double check if you have any questions about it. brandyII.

[tommaney 0]

my nutritionist and nurse told me if i lose it wouldnt matter because id still have a bmi higher than 40

Yeah Froggie I think you're still okay here--denying you for losing weight sounds so absurd. I know that the criteria for my insurance company says anything over 40 qualifies. But, below that the requirement includes one of 3 comobidities.

Any way you can send a question/email your insurance about that?

Sorry this doesn't directly apply to self-esteem. Just trying to assuage some worries out there.

[Elisabethsew 50]

It's nice to see this thread is trying to get back on topic. As for me, I believe self-esteem is tied to many variables and one might me how long the person has been obese. I was fat as a child and adult and never knew myself as a normal weight person. Consequently, my self-esteem has always been fairly high. I would say my confidence level seems to increase the less I weigh.