weightloss = affair ??

[trystelle 3]

I feel like I am having an affair---with my husband! We are both enjoying exploring my new body. It has brought a renewed appreciation of each other. We have always had a good marriage and I don't expect that to change after 21 years. I agree that weight loss gives you the confidence to advocate for yourself-but that isn't necessary unless there were problems with the relationship in the first place.

[coolcrystal 1]

Trystelle, you crack me up!! I was reading the beginning with intensity and then you said "with my husband".. you go girl! lol

As soon as my hubby found out I got approved for this surgery he did the SB diet with me and we have both lost pretty much the same amount of weight.. of course, I needed a band to do it and he just needed the SB diet. lol. It's like that danged commercial. But, because of both of our weightlosses, it has helped us to do this together, grow confident together and be even more attracted to each other.

Oddly, when we met I was 240 and he was 165 and he said I was the most confident woman he had ever met. At 240 I felt sexy and shoot, felt that way till probably about 280 when I just couldn't get around much anymore.. I guess when I looked in the mirror I just didn't see an obese person.. I thought I was hot. LOL. but we gained the "love" pounds.. he got up to 250 and I got up to almost 300.. So, we are slowly but surely doing it and together.. I don't want anybody else but him... but we had a healthy relationship from the beginning.. i didn't settle... I can see how if somebody is obese and gets with a jerk and then loses a lot of weight and finds a better guy/girl they might could cheat...

[Marimaru 7]

I think it really all hinges on how your relationship is at the core. Good relationships get stronger, not so good ones, well... people either face their issues and work toward making it better, or realize it's not right for them. I also believe that if you aren't happy, you should get out and THEN pursue other options, but everyone's different I s'pose.

I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married (1 year in 2 weeks!). I wanted to be sure, sure, sure that we were right together. He did too. Both of us feel that while people shouldn't stay in bad marriages, no one should go INTO a marriage thinking "well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce", if that makes any sense.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

(disclaimer -- this post is going to piss some of you off. Some of you are going to say "that's not true!' Sorry, but this is Life As I See It)

According to my LapBand coordinator who ran the familiarization sessions, divorce, infidelity and increased sexual adventuring are very common after massive weight loss.

When one thinks about it, those stats shouldn't come as a surprise. Those of us who have been buried in blubber for years or decades become used to NOT being objects of desire. We become good friends, good providers, good listeners, great compensators. What we tend to not be is great lovers. That mindset wears on one, and does manifest itself in the personality.

Flash forward and the weight is rolling off, and now there's this whole new element in one's life. Suddenly people are using the words "hot" and "attractive" and "sexy" and they're talking about YOU. How amazing, and baffling, and disturbing. People who've been skinny forever know how to deal with this, but a lot of us don't. Body dysmorphia is real and common with WLS. When the 'fat person in the mirror' is coupled with unexpected interest, that's bound to destabilize the personality a bit.

The two common options at that point are really "wahooo!" or "run away!" Depending on how that manifests, one can either end up in a new sexual relationship (for better or worse, usually worse), or one ends up shunning the advances (which if this occurs in a marriage, causes issues there)

So that's our side of it. What causes the partners to run?

Let's go back to the fat-bound personality. Like it or not, we do tend to change personalities when we lose weight. Look at the before-and-after pics thread. 95% of those people are displaying radically different personas in the post pictures. They're visibly more confident, outgoing, smiling, etc. That's all great news, right?

Well, yes -- but maybe the partner doesn't agree. There's comfort in familiarity. As radical a change as we're experiencing, they're dealing with the same thing secondhand. Their partner and friend is suddenly someone else, and they have to get to know this new thinner happier etc. person who is in their house. This new person shares memories and a name with the person that was there before, but really isn't the same anymore. Is it unreasonable that some would be very uncomfortable with that? Some people just really can't handle change.

WOW! I think this is EXACTLY on the money. I am here now. My DH doesn't think I want him anymore nor that I deserve him. (He is fat now). It can put a huge strain on the relationship. While I haven't cheated it is damn hard to hear about it 24.7 how I am going to do it.

[FeliciaLevy75 0]

Manatee: The opposite is also true.

In a search for attention, "love" and personal connections, sex is used to try and fill the voids created by other issues obese people have. A bit like using grains of sand to fill the Grand Canyon, IMHO, but it happens.

People who are overweight sometimes are less sexually active once they lose weight - think less quantity, more quality. Sex and relationships are huge ego boosters, and the most promiscuous people I know are overweight.

One woman I know now dates a hell of a lot more... but sex is something that grows from her relationships, instead of the other way around.

[brandyII 9]

I think it depends on the person and where they are in their life. When I first lost weight I was 19 and fittingly that was the best time to do it. Put it back on but the second time was right before my wedding, another good time. But I do notice a lot of people who get divorced tend to lose weight afterwards.

Now I don't know if that would help my circumstances or not but I'm not willing to give it a try. My DH loves me just the way I am, a large crazy beeeach!:cool2:

[healthyagain 0]

I think it depends on the person and where they are in their life. When I first lost weight I was 19 and fittingly that was the best time to do it. Put it back on but the second time was right before my wedding, another good time. But I do notice a lot of people who get divorced tend to lose weight afterwards.

Now I don't know if that would help my circumstances or not but I'm not willing to give it a try. My DH loves me just the way I am, a large crazy beeeach!:cursing:

I think after divorce you lose weight initially....Then gain back double what you lost.......That was my experiene anyway

[brandyII 9]

Maybe I'm wrong but I think there's something to that perpetual new dating time when you always starve yourself and if you hook up and get comfy together you can put it on. I've seen it with a lot of people including myself but it's been such a long time ago that it's hard to remember!

[slimmy120 2]

I dont have a partner, but see someone at the moment, would love to meet someone serious and new.but ... have saggy skin everywhere and the big lump that moves when turn over where the lap band is so couldnt feel comfortable at the moment getting underessed in front of someone.

[brandyII 9]

I dont have a partner, but see someone at the moment, would love to meet someone serious and new.but ... have saggy skin everywhere and the big lump that moves when turn over where the lap band is so couldnt feel comfortable at the moment getting underessed in front of someone.

I've always been a sagger and my husband loves me when I was thin and sagging and fat and sagging. I know it's all in our heads most of the time. I know a lot of people who lose weight after WLS go through a kind of depression because they've worked so hard to lose the weight and then they still hate their bodies because of the sagging skin! It's so sad, but who's to say that you can't wear a sexy teddy or other type of sexy thing to bed with a man and if you care for each other enough that saggy skin is not going to come between you guys. Well you know what I mean, lol. I know there's always plastic surgery but I myself, at this point in my life am not going to have the cash nor do I want to go through the pain, but that's just me. I've never been perky and probably never will be, brandyII:smile:

[kathystrick 3]

As my date gets closer, I am getting more afraid that my marriage may be one of those that doesn't make it. It seems like everyday it is something new with my husband that keeps me womdering if he even wants to be here. That is really not putting me in a very good frame of mind to be going into surgery with. Not to mention what it is doing to my dieting efforts! If he wants to leave, I wish he would just do it. I am not a cheater and never would, but don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable either. I am putting way to much effort into making me happy with myself to let someone else make me unhappy.