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Betrayal is a BITCH



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I'm going to stick my neck out fully understanding that I may take a few hits, maybe that is what I need? Following Tina's story has been an eye opener for me. While I have not chosen to go outside my marriage (yet), I have begun to have a wandering eye. The spark, the tenderness, everything that made our relationship what it was, feels gone now. My wife and I don't hate each other, we have minor spats now and then, but we just don’t love each other. We barely manage to get along, with very little cooperation in our day to day lives. In that lack of love is where I feel the most alone and find myself looking at other women now and wondering if that connection that I long for can be found with them.

Maybe I am getting ahead of myself here and should include a little background. Married two years, together a total of four, two (AWESOME) kids.

I have a lot to lose, which is never far from my mind. Following Tina certainly drives home just how much pain and suffering a betrayal such as this can cause, not just my wife but my kids. It doesn't seem possible that a person could knowingly inflict this much pain on another. I wonder if a lot of cheating husbands are like me, in that it isn't the sex that they want, it is the intimacy/connection. It occurs to me that it would be highly unlikely that any real intimacy could exist in an adulterous relationship. Yet somehow that draw is still there. I don't want to cheat, but I do want to feel connected, like there is an "us" rather than "you" and "me."

My parents divorced when I was in high school, and I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to my kids. I've broached the idea of marriage counseling to my wife, she was not receptive. I continue to believe that we need outside help to straighten ourselves out and will probably revisit the idea of counseling in the future. In the mean time it is very difficult battling the loneliness. On those bad days when we are more adversary than couple, and I pass by a nice woman who might politely smile as I walk past, I think to myself is the grass greener on the other side?

It bothers me that I can relate to those cheating husbands. I’ve always felt (passionately) that adultery was one of the scummiest things one human could do to another. I’m ashamed that I could find any sort of connection with people who would do this. Reading through this post before I hit the submit button I realize that I have painted my wife as the primary evil doer. She is not. In an almost creepy coincidence it seems as though every complaint that I have for her can be echoed in my own actions. If we are both exhibiting the same negative attitudes, then it would make sense that one of us might be able to break the cycle. Sadly, this is not the case. For a period of time one of us will make attempts to bridge the gap only to be met with indifference on the part of the other. We just can’t quite get our souls lined up. I wonder if she looks at other men and asks herself, is the grass is greener?

Tina-

I will continue to follow your experience. Most notably the steps you and your husband took to repair the damage, in the hope of avoiding a disaster of my own. Considering my attitudes towards cheating I find your road toward recovery nothing short of miraculous. By all means a testament to your character and love for your children.

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Emily's Dad, first of all, I want to commend you on sticking your neck out. Second, I would encourage you to go to counseling on your own if your wife won't join you. Yes, it would be great if you both went but if she won't, go anyway. It will help and eventually she may decide to go with you.

Do NOT succumb and step outside your marriage. You are right, it's not worth it. You really won't find what you are looking for. It will be a brief and fleeting feeling and then will come the guilt.

I know you are worried about your kids. Please try to see what you and your wife are putting your kids through by acting the way you are. Approach her that way, maybe it will help convince her to go to counseling. Just be careful of your approach b/c you don't want another battle on your hands.

Take care and best wishes.

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Momof2Kids - I pray everything works out for you. It sounds like your husband knows he messed up bad and is trying to make amends. I hate to raise this spectre, but - make him get an AIDS test - you don't know what the skank might have exposed HIM to.

Emily'sDad - Please stay strong...if your wife won't go to counseling with you, go without her. Perhaps when she sees you making a genuine effort to be a better man, she'll want to support you in it, and go with you.

My story - I am the tech-head in my home...I found out my husband was doing his flirting online. It started with comments on people's photos on certain online forums, and degenerated into sending women his cell phone number so they could call him at work when he was working the midnight shift.:thumbup:

When I found out, I reacted badly - I stopped speaking to him for a few weeks and refused to spend much time in the same room with him. Eventually the lines of communication were opened back up, he discontinued all his online flirtations (that I knew of) and we worked our way back to each other.

Fast forward several years to just about two weeks ago - I found he was back at his old pursuit - commenting on other women's naked photos and sending them PM's and IM's. How I found out? I was using his laptop and he got nervous, then admitted there were things he didn't want me to see on the computer. We stayed up until 4 am one morning talking it out. Actually - I made it very clear that if he continued, I would be moving out. :cry_smile:

I am still of two minds as to whether I will stay or not...my youngest graduates high school next summer, so that is when I will make my decision. I live over an hour from where I work, so if necessary, I will save my dollars, buy a condo, and be closer to work. I WILL NOT stand for this mess again - he's got a lot of convincing to do for me to say I'm not going to leave.:rolleyes:

Right now, things are getting better - we're talking more and he's being very attentive - and he is very supportive about the band surgery. Will it be enough? I don't know...only time will tell. I AM GOING TO COUNSELING - with or without him. I know I need to work on me...:blushing:

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Mumoftwoboys,

I think a lot of us have followed your story and I was a bit shock to learn you actually contacted the husband, I suppose I didn't think you were. I'm not judging you but it sounds like to me it helped give you some closure and a way to move on which is good.

I think in some ways I followed your story because I'm an ex-Montgomery Countyite and so move from MD in 1986. Also I'm someone who has been married for 26 but living with for 28 years and so we all have our ups and downs and feel the pain when another woman has pain like you've experience. But it impresses me that you've had the courage and your husband didn't wuss out like a lot do also to make it work. So kudos for you and your great attitude and good luck your marriage can work and Happy bday too! Nancy.

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Believe me...it was a very difficult decision to contact her husband. He did not respond to my email, but that's alright. I did not bad mouth her or say much about the affair. I just felt that if he did not know, he had a right to know. I thought about doing it for a very long time and I finally got the courage to do it. I was shaking as I was typing it. I didn't do it to mess up her marriage or "get back" at her. I could care less about her. As far as I'm concerned, she's a total piece of crap...the lowest form of human on the planet. I think that part of the reason that I wanted to reach out to him so badly is because when I have spoken to her in the past, she NEVER apologized...no remorse, nothing. She thought that it was funny and she never took any responsibility for her role in the affair. Had she said she was sorry and felt a little remorse I may not have been inclined to reach out to her husband. However, after thinking long and hard I imagined him sitting around thinking that his marriage was rainbows and butterflies when in fact she had strayed and I seriously don't think it was the first time or the last. He had a right to know the behavior or his wife while she is at work. I only wish that someone had told me about my husbands doings.

Thanks everyone!!!

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Emily's Dad..

That was such a well written post! Your honesty and accountability are abundantly clear and frankly, I think you echo the thoughts and emotions of many people struggling in their marriage. Perhaps even people who aren't struggling! One thing is for sure, you come across as a loving and devoted father and no one can take that away from you. It saddens me to hear that your wife won't go to counseling. Many people view counseling as a negative and that if you are in counseling something is wrong. That couldn't be further from the truth. Therapy is designed to validate your struggles and frustrations...not throw them in your face. As others have said before me, if she won't go...you should go by yourself. There is great benefit in peeling back the layers of ourselves and you just might discover some answers that will provide you the direction you need. I really appreciate you sharing you thoughts and feelings on this thread..that took alot of courage!! I truly wish you the best and from what I can tell...you sound like a good guy!!

-Amy

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Mumoftwoboys,

I'm really glad you're doing so much better and working on your marriage. I don't know if I could have lasted as long as you did without contacting him sooner to be honest especially since she was such a beeeach! Stay strong, Nancy.:biggrin:

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Counselling is always a useful option, even when you must go on your own. Remember: you cannot change anyone else's behaviour but your own and once your behaviour begins to change that of those who are around you will begin to change in response to yours. It's inevitable.

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Counselling is always a useful option, even when you must go on your own. Remember: you cannot change anyone else's behaviour but your own and once your behaviour begins to change that of those who are around you will begin to change in response to yours. It's inevitable.

Green,

I think what you said is really important. And those that don't feel the love anymore or the spark etc... you get out of your marriage what you put into it. You want more spark and love then you put the spark and the love into it and don't wait for the other to do it for you! Nancy:smile:

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Emily's Dad,

I agree, go to counseling by yourself if you have to. If your wife sees you improving, feeling better about yourself she may follow.

Your post was so well written, I think you should ask her to read it. Seeing it in writing may open her eyes a bit.

I have been cheated on (see my post many pages ago) while living a life similar to yours. I wish my husband would have shared something like your post BEFORE he took the jump towards someone else. It would have saved us from an awful mess.

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Hello everyone and happy Monday to you. Just wanted to give you a little update. I just had one of the best weekends that I have had in a long time. We took the kids to the fair, got haircuts, hung out with my brother and sister-in-law and then yesterday we went to the Redskins game. We got along great (after a kind of rough week). It was wonderful. I'm starting to slowly get back on track. I know that the pain and hurt will NEVER go away but I can do my best to get back to a happy place. I will continue to post as I go through this hellacious roller coaster. I appreciate everyone who has kept up with my story and for those that comment and send private messages. You have no idea just how much it means to me. Thanks, guys!!!!:embaressed_smile:

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Well hello everyone!!! It's been about a week since I checked in with everyone. Let me tell you...I have had a pretty good week and a half. My husband and I have cut back our counselling to every other week instead of every week (it saves quite a bit of money too). We are doing things as a couple and trying to make new "happy" memories. We went on a fishing trip last week and we go to the Redskins games. We are suppose to go camping this weekend if it doesn't rain. Don't get me wrong...the pain, anger and disappointment is still there but I'm doing a little better. I can truly say that he is doing everything right.

My newest problem is that next weekend I'm scheduled to participate in the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk. I have to complete my online registration by tomorrow and I haven't earned enough money in donations to participate in the event. I'm so bummed. I'm running around today in an attempt to obtain the rest of the money. I have always wanted to do this walk and now that I'm 125 lighter I know that I can do it. If any of you guys would be interested in donating to me, you can do so by going to the following link: Welcome to the Washington DC Breast Cancer 3-Day:

I cannot tell you all how much your support has helped me in this difficult time. I know that I have a long way to go to recover from this betrayal and I know that I can count on you guys to get me through it. Thanks to everyone...you are all true friends to me!!!

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