Ugly, boring, and weak

[BigSue 1,320]

On 7/17/2022 at 10:39 PM, Arabesque said:

I realised spoke a lot about eating in my second & into my third year & wonder if it was just me coming to terms with everything & wanting to talk it out. I do like to verbalise my thinking 😁. I notice my friend who had surgery a year after me is now talking about her food choices a lot more too. I wonder if it’s just something some of us go through. Could some of you thinking you’re focussed on eating be for the same reason: learning & coming to terms with what works for you? Discovering what you need & can eat to maintain your weight & health. I focus a bit on my Protein simply because of my absorption issue & I am always conscious of portion size. And I freaked out a bit when I gained a couple of kg earlier this year. It took me a little while to come to terms with why (increased Protein intake & a higher dose of HRT) & accept & manage it. But you know if it’s just learning & understanding or if it’s you being obsessive in your thinking.

All the best Sue.

I actually don't talk about food or eating in "real life" because I haven't told anyone other than medical professionals that I had surgery. Not even my family knows. I spent most of my life being shamed for my body and my eating, to the point that even now that I'm a "normal" weight, I still hate for people to see me eat. I'm irrationally ashamed when someone walks into my office while I'm eating celery and calorie-free ranch dressing. I know that's messed up, but not sure it will ever change. And at the same time, I don't like calling attention to what I'm NOT eating, so I'm always nervous and uncomfortable in situations where there's food because I'm afraid people are going to ask why I'm not eating it.

[BigSue 1,320]

On 7/18/2022 at 9:33 AM, Recidivist said:

I want to add that food and eating ruled my life before surgery. I would wake thinking about what I would eat, and food was constantly on my mind--when I would eat next, what I was craving, where I needed to go to buy the things I craved, etc. I definitely still think a lot about food now as well, which is of course necessary to maintain weight loss. However, I don't feel like my life revolves around food the way it did when I was fat. Quite the opposite: I now view food as fuel, not as reward, comfort or a treat.

Yeah, when I was fat, my weight ruled my life. I was pretty boring then because I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without wondering if I would fit. I skipped a lot of things because I didn't have anything to wear and it was SO hard to find decent clothes in size 28. I did think a lot about food, but I guess I didn't mind that so much because it was mainly good thoughts -- like something delicious and decadent that I had in the fridge and I could look forward to eating -- whereas now, even though there are lots of healthy foods I truly enjoy eating, it's still mentally taxing to track everything I eat, analyze macros, and bargain calories (if I eat X, I can't have Y).

[BigSue 1,320]

On 7/20/2022 at 9:58 AM, ms.sss said:

K, so i think about food all the time, both before, during, and still now after surgery.

But I “behaved” differently throughout those stages too. The focus before was to eat it, and as much as I could. Now the focus is everything else about it.

I don’t *think* i suffer any angst around this though, so that is a good thing. I am just fascinated about everything that has to do with food. Not sure if this is good for me or not, but i’ve long since learned to just go with it.

For the first several months after my surgery, I really felt like I was mourning the loss of food. I used to love watching cooking shows like Top Chef, The Great British Baking Show, etc., and after surgery, I couldn't stand to watch shows like that, or even restaurant commercials, because I was so sad about these foods I could no longer eat. But eventually, I got to a point where I can (and do) watch and enjoy those shows without feeling that emotional loss. I can watch people make deep-fried pastries and not be sad that I couldn't eat them. I don't seek out that kind of food, though -- I actually kind of enjoy digging through Pinterest to find recipes that I can eat. It kind of feels like a win to find healthy recipes that taste good.

On 7/20/2022 at 9:58 AM, ms.sss said:

Now, i sort of digressed there for a little bit, but i actually wanted to respond to OP: while you have navigated the weight loss road (successfully!) for two years (congratulations!), i get the sense that you are still in either weight-loss mode or gearing-up-for-maintenance mode?

If the former, you’ve been at it for a while and it would seem only natural to be experiencing some sort of burn-out or fatigue. You’re tired, things didn’t turn out with what you half-expected. Despite this though, i applaud your attitude and recognition of your achievements.

If the latter, i’ve read enough on here that the transition from wl-mode to maintenance is not easy. Its not the diet changes that are as difficult as the mental mind bending that is required to not only change a lifestyle you’ve grown accustomed to, but also to the reflection you see in the mirror…and whether you like what you see. Alot of folks had some serious energy/strength depletion near the end (myself included…i too struggled to open those effing pickle jars).

Its cliché, but the only thing i can add to all the fab posts above is Patience (though I think you already know this). Do what you need to do to get through the day (talk, exercise, vent, busy-ness, therapy, sleep, medication, etc.)

It won’t always be this way, and even if it is, you may find a way to accept it regardless.

You’ve done fabulously, and even if you don’t sound so terribly thrilled about it (who says we have to be thrilled anyway?!), you are dealing just as fabulously.

I guess I would say I'm in maintenance. I didn't expect to lose as much weight as I did, because I started off bigger than most. I wasn't even sure I'd ever get below an obese BMI. Don't get me wrong -- I'm thrilled with my weight loss and grateful for this second chance at life, but It is such hard work, and the thought of having to keep working this hard for the rest of my freaking life just to not get fat again is exhausting! I feel like I can eat too much in terms of portion size, so I have to make sure to stick to really low-calorie foods, because I can't eat just one bite of something decadent and be full.

[The Greater Fool 1,952]

24 minutes ago, BigSue said:

Like what? What would you (or did you) get rid of?

If we're unhappy with the way things are now we can either change or stay where we are.

My life at times has gone out of balance to the extent that I have been profoundly unhappy. Where I felt I didn't have the time to do any aspect of my life well and felt I was letting everyone down that was counting on me.

At such times, I worked to do just as I advocated you do: I made achievable changes to improve my lot then I evaluated where I was. These achievable changes could be new efficiencies, or eliminating low reward things, or rearranging scheduling, or off-loading or exchanging tasks with/to others, enlisting allies, establishing priorities, reframing how I feel about things, or any other tactic that seemed like it was achievable and would move me toward my goal.

After the changes I then assess if these changes improved my lot enough, or did I need to change more and repeat the cycle until everything is in perfect balance. I'll let you know when that happens any day now.

Good luck,

Tek

[BlessedMomma91 21]

I am still pre-op and hoping to have my surgery in October but it looks like it may be pushed to January or February. All the things you mentioned are huge fears of mine. I started at just over 300 and I'm 5'4". Currently I'm held back my weight because I can't run with my kids or join them at Water parks (much more to mention) and take a lot of meds. However, I'm fairly active now. We walk 2 miles a day (I try to get 9000 steps a day) and there's always errands and practices to do with 4 kiddos. I'm tired all the time now but it's manageable. I don't want to become weak on top of constant fatigue especially since I have young kids and a husband. I have a high muscle mass ratio now and don't wanna lose that. I grew up on a farm and now live in town but still considered strong "for a woman." I don't want such saggy skin that I look much older or sick. These are some of things making me apprehensive about the surgery too. Everyone tells me it's still worth including family who have had wls. However, being constantly tired and weak worry me. Skin removal will not be option for me because we are on 1 income and budget closely to make that work. Surgery is already costing too much. I have OCD and worry my obsession/compulsion will transfer to my food. Thank you for your insight. I hope you find a good medium with your diet so you're not obsessively thinking about it. And please know you are still you. You still have all those amazing qualities. You just have to find yourself again after such a huge change. Your whole life has been rerouted and your brain has to accept it first. You were a workaholic and now your obsess over your food instead. You redirected your skills. Now find something else to direct it too such as a hobby or make food fun with new recipes so it doesn't seem like a chore.

Sent from my SM-S115DL using BariatricPal mobile app

[BigSue 1,320]

On 7/20/2022 at 2:55 PM, STLoser said:

I can totally relate to a lot of this. I was 48 when I had surgery 2 years ago and did not look my age. I have also lost over 200 pounds. Now I definitely look my age or older and I don't recognize myself sometimes. I did not have wrinkles before and now I do. That bugs me. But I just try to remind myself why I did this, and it was to get my life and health back.

Yeah, I didn't do this for my looks, either, but sometimes it can be jarring to see myself. I also have that sense of not recognizing myself (and yet, when I see pictures of myself from before, I also think, "Woah, was I really that big?!").

On 7/20/2022 at 2:55 PM, STLoser said:

When I look at all the loose skin, it can be discouraging sometimes. It's really bad on my arms and legs, but I know how hard I have worked to lose weight and even if I didn't have a weight problem, skin does tend to sag as you get older, and I am going to be 51 in 2 weeks. I would love to have it all removed, but it's just not in the budget right now since I paid out of pocket for my surgery. Maybe it will be when I get a job, but I refuse to be ashamed of my body. I'm proud that it carried me through being so morbidly obese for so long and it's still here carrying me. It has put up with a lot of stress and it has been strong for all of it. I'm definitely weaker than I was but I'm working on strength training now.
I know I'm rambling here but I just want to say you're not alone in your feelings.
You have accomplished so much. Just try to remember that!

I never planned to have plastic surgery. I like to think my expectations were pretty realistic, and I knew that I would have loose skin but that it would be a lot better than having all that extra weight. I considered it for a while because of all the people on this site who have done it and are glad they did, but now I'm back to thinking that I just need to remember how far I've come and that I'm lucky to look the way I do now. It's cool to find other people who have come as far as I have because there aren't a lot of people in the world who know what it's like to lose 200 pounds!

[BigSue 1,320]

20 hours ago, BlessedMomma91 said:

I am still pre-op and hoping to have my surgery in October but it looks like it may be pushed to January or February. All the things you mentioned are huge fears of mine. I started at just over 300 and I'm 5'4". Currently I'm held back my weight because I can't run with my kids or join them at Water parks (much more to mention) and take a lot of meds. However, I'm fairly active now. We walk 2 miles a day (I try to get 9000 steps a day) and there's always errands and practices to do with 4 kiddos. I'm tired all the time now but it's manageable. I don't want to become weak on top of constant fatigue especially since I have young kids and a husband.

It's kind of hard to describe, but even though I'm tired and weak, it is offset by the fact that getting around is so much easier without the extra 200 pounds. It is a different kind of tired, I guess.

20 hours ago, BlessedMomma91 said:

I have a high muscle mass ratio now and don't wanna lose that. I grew up on a farm and now live in town but still considered strong "for a woman." I don't want such saggy skin that I look much older or sick. Skin removal will not be option for me because we are on 1 income and budget closely to make that work. Surgery is already costing too much.

I wouldn't say I have a lot of saggy skin on my face, but I look older because my face just looks boney, compared to the youthful chubby cheeks I used to have. I didn't do this for looks, but if that is important to you, weight is the #1 most important thing to how most people perceive your looks. No matter how saggy your face gets, society, in general, is so fat-phobic that people will still think you look better thin than fat. I don't think skin removal surgery is a must, but I do think it's important to be realistic and know that just because you weigh a lot less doesn't mean you'll necessarily have a bikini-ready body.

It's good that you are thinking about these issues before surgery! I see so many people on this forum who have the surgery without really knowing what to expect and having a lot of unpleasant surprises. I think if you make your decision with your eyes wide open, you can be confident that you did the right thing even when things are rough.

[SleeveToBypass2023 1,838]

On 7/17/2022 at 5:58 PM, BigSue said:

I just wish I didn't have to choose between my weight and the rest of my life. I envy people who have never had to struggle with their weight and don't have to devote their lives to it. I want to have my cake and eat it too!

I feel this deep in my soul. I know how you feel, and I'm sorry you're struggling right now.

[blackcatsandbaddecisions 844]

So I’ve lost 180 lbs, and it is still a mind trip sometimes to look in the mirror. For me I feel the same as a person- it’s annoying to me that people act like I suddenly am someone different. Same me, different size. I always had low blood pressure, and I still do. I don’t feel like food or exercise takes over my day, but I enjoy my exercise routine and I feel like food is a pretty settled routine at this point. I don’t weigh or measure, but since I’m getting plastics next month I’m going to cut back on some of the “extra” food since I’ll be cut off from running for a while.

On the looking older- yeah, it sucks, no two ways about it. Lost the fat in my cheeks and I am looking my age. I know it’s kind of taboo to discuss openly for some people but Botox and fillers can go a long way to helping out with some of these problems. You won’t look 25 (or 35) again, but it might be worth looking into. A good injector can make a huge difference. Not saying anyone “needs” this but it’s an option.

[ms.sss 14,693]

2 hours ago, blackcatsandbaddecisions said:

I know it’s kind of taboo to discuss openly for some people but Botox and fillers can go a long way to helping out with some of these problems. You won’t look 25 (or 35) again, but it might be worth looking into. A good injector can make a huge difference. Not saying anyone “needs” this but it’s an option.

Taboo schma-boo. Lol.

I am pro-botox and fillers (the natural looking kind, not the exaggerated kind!)

Makes a world of difference, and if its done right, people will just say you have nice skin, ha!

BUT…it does get expensive. It doesn’t last forever so there is regular/ongoing maintenance, and it adds up. I’ve likely spent more at my medi-spa than the cost of a facelift. Sigh.

[STLoser 1,085]

I never planned to have plastic surgery. I like to think my expectations were pretty realistic, and I knew that I would have loose skin but that it would be a lot better than having all that extra weight. I considered it for a while because of all the people on this site who have done it and are glad they did, but now I'm back to thinking that I just need to remember how far I've come and that I'm lucky to look the way I do now. It's cool to find other people who have come as far as I have because there aren't a lot of people in the world who know what it's like to lose 200 pounds!

just realized I said the loose skin was really bad on my arms and legs. I meant my stomach and legs. My arms have some but I never had really big arms for my size so it doesn't bother me there. But my stomach and legs are bad, and my back around my waist and upper back. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it makes me feel sad. After losing so much weight, it would be nice to look in the mirror and see a nice, toned body, but whatever. My face is actually what bothers me most, because I have the under eye bags that run in my family now and wrinkles I didn't have before. I always heard "you have such a pretty face if only you'd lose weight." Well now I don't have that. Sigh. But my husband still thinks I'm beautiful, although he always has even at my highest weight.
I've done so much soul searching over the years and there was a time that I felt that no matter what accomplishment, I would never be good enough because I was still fat. At some point I realized that was ridiculous and accepted myself fat or not, so I went into this with a pretty good attitude about my body, but that doesn't mean I don't look in the mirror sometimes and think wtf!!?!
But then I put my size medium or large clothes on and feel pretty darn good, because I wear an AVERAGE size now.
Like you, I'll probably not get plastics, except possibly a panniculectomy because I have issues with that area. I have a consult next month. The rest of it, I'll just have to live with. And like you said, it is better than those extra 200 pounds I was carrying around.
I am proud I was able to lose over 200 pounds, and I know you know that feeling. There aren't a lot of people who have that much to lose!
I think it sounds like you had realistic expectations and again, what you have accomplished is amazing!

Sent from my Pixel 5a using BariatricPal mobile app

[Arabesque 6,491]

I’m with @ms.sss: taboo schmoo-boo. Go the Botox.

Honestly, I’m not a fan of the idea of young girls & young women getting Botox & fillers but once your life starts to show on your face I think it’s certainly worth exploring. I got my first lot last year (Dysport not Botox) & I love it. I actually went in to explore filler but because I have a bee allergy was advised against it (the neutraliser causes the same reaction in your body as a bee sting so I’d likely have an anaphylactic reaction). I also am ‘under dosed’ so I still have some forehead movement & I feel it looks more natural. I also get it in my chin to reduce the length of some of my marionette lines & reduce the old lady chin dimpling. The only down side is mine doesn’t last long - about 2 months as I process it more quickly. ☹️

But the only way to truely get rid of the droopy facial skin is surgery & I’m not interested in that … well at the moment. Ha!

I look at my face & I think yeah I have wrinkles & droop but I am 57. I’m supposed to have them & I’ve earned them. But I have cheekbones now, one chin, my eyelids aren’t as hooded, I have a jaw line & people say they can see the family resemblances with my brothers, nieces & nephews. Best of all is that I actually look like me now. My face isn’t distorted by layers of fat. That’s how I look at it though.

[Tomo 1,138]

I like Botox or equivalent, and I am a fan of Sculptra. I know I have spent way more money than a facelift as well. The more weight I lose, the more haggard I look but same, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

[ShoppGirl 3,389]

On 7/17/2022 at 8:43 PM, BigSue said:

Yeah, I have regained 10-15 pounds from my lowest, and it scares the crap out of me. But I have to admit my face looks a little less ghoulish. I am probably pretty lucky in that I don't have a wattle from losing my double chin (I'm also pleasantly surprised by how decent my arms look; I'm not wearing tank tops in public or anything, but I'm also not needing an arm lift).

We've all seen people who have gone through this surgery and gained back most or all of the weight, and I'm terrified that if I take my eye off the prize, that will be me. I don't know if my rebound is from the malabsorption wearing off or because I've relaxed too much about food, but I don't like where I'm headed and I feel like I need to be more vigilant than ever.

I've tried two therapists and they were no help at all... Unfortunately, it is really hard to find therapists who understand the struggles of bariatric patients.

I haven’t searched for a therapist post surgery but I have bipolar disorder and I went through five or six therapists before I found one that I like. You need to feel comfortable with someone to share your most intimate thoughts. Don’t give up though, you will find them.

[Love&Light 15]

Thank you all for sharing. Reading the comments has been more helpful.

I lost a lot of weight on my face particularly mid face volume. I am not near my target goal yet but I was looking tired and haggard. I got botox and dermal fillers recently and it made such a difference. It's subtle and I am very happy with the results. My injector was mindful to inject in a way that he could build on gradually. I have not had dermal fillers or botox before.