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My bf wants me to "try harder" before "resorting" to surgery



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My boyfriend of 7 years (who I live with) is not excited about the idea of me thinking of bariatric surgery. I had my first consultation appointment and my bf and I have been talking about what I learned, etc. Now as an upfront, I just turned 40 and have been struggling with my weight since my mid 20s. I am currently at my highest weight of 275 lb (5' 6.5") with a bmi of 43. I have just been prescribed blood pressure meds (my bp has consistently been 177/90 for 6 months!) AND cholesteral meds. I have yoyo dieted for years. YES, I could exercise more (or at all) but I do eat pretty healthy. My bf is a great support in my life and I love him very much. He does NOT want me to get this surgery and suggested that neither of us have FULLY "committed" to a diet and exercise plan since we have been together (he only "needs" to loose 10 lbs to hit his goal weight)....therefore, he thinks we should work out together 3 times a week for 6 months to a year along with a severe calorie counting regimin (which we have done) and overall healthy diet (which we do mostly on, sometimes off) before I even consider this surgery. I am DEVASTATED. I told him "my body my choice" and although I know he will support me if I decide on the surgery....I can't help but feel like he is putting off my health and hapiness by another year. I dont think these changes will move the scale that much, certainly not ENOUGH....and he thinks I don't have the behaviors in place now to maintain the diet needed post op to make this work. HELP. I need advice. I am not convinced surgery is right but I am 80-90% sure it is and may be the only option to saving my life.

Edited by mexicanwrestler

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Oh yeah a lot of us have heard this too. If not your partner, it’s from your family, a best friend, or in the case of my best friend, her doctor.

So it’s what you haven’t tried to lose weight before & tried hard? Why do they think you will be successful now when you haven’t before? It is frustrating & devastating.

The thing is, the surgery is only a tool. Yes it will physically help you to reduce your food intake BUT you still will have to work hard. It is not a miracle cure. Snap your fingers & your weight disappears - no. It will only work if you make changes to your lifestyle, exercise routine, what you eat & how you eat. If you’re not willing to work hard & make the changes to take advantage of the tool you will not be successful.

Remember why you decided to have the surgery. Remember what you wanted to achieve with the weight loss (health, fitness, lifestyle,...).

I’m so glad I did it.

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You're over 40, at your highest weight, on blood pressure and cholesterol meds. Your arrow is clearly not trending in the right direction. You obviously recognize this and want to change it. If you feel like you can control portions, count calories and dedicate yourself to the gym then go for it. But if you think surgery gives you the best chance for health then you should do it regardless of what your bf thinks, any person that cares about you should support your decision. On a personal note, I was/am in a similar situation health wise, less than 3 months post surgery I am down 60 lbs, off triglyceride meds, and diabetic meds, sleep apnea is gone. I was apprehensive before surgery, slightly concerned that I made a bad decision shortly after surgery, 3 months later, I would do it all over again, no regrets.

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Honestly, you can do what he is suggesting, WHILE you are in the process of getting surgery. You have either a 3 month or six month nitrition requirement where you are on a medically supervised diet. Do it! But have the surgery too if that is what you want to do (but dont wait... do it when the surgeon schedules it). My hisband didnt want me to do surgery either. But now, 5 months post op, he totally gets it and is proud of my accomplishments. Your boyfriend is probably worried about surgery like my husband was, but dont let that deter you. In the meantime, you can diet and workout with him, but tell him you still need the surgery to get you to your goals. It is the best tool out there for those of us who have dieted and failed to have long term success.

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

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@mexicanwrestler My two cents.... In Mid 2009 I started looking into getting WLS. I had tried everything to lose and i did... but could never keep it off. I did my research and found that i could get the Lapband done with only paying my co pays. ($2000). I found out what i needed to do to qualify and within a couple of months i was approved. This is when my NOW x husband started giving me the same as your BF. You don't need that, you can do it on your own, just exercise more... blah blah blah.... I finally stood my ground and said, NO, I'm doing this. I was 42, 5'2" and 232lbs. One thing i had going for me was that i had no other health issues at the time. My x tried everything to get me to not have the WLS. In my brain, if i lost the weight he would love me more and would want to have sex with me again (1-2 x a year) and be proud of me.... NOPE... If anything the WL made it worse. It made all of his insecurities surface. He hated me losing weight and hated, even more, the attention i got from it. He hated my self-confidence i gained. I started standing up for myself. The more i lost, the more control he lost over me. At this time we had been married about 19-20 years. Mind you, when we got married i was all of about 100lbs.... very tiny size 0. I realized our marriage was a very unhappy one... for me that was. He was happy, he had a wife that did everything. He was the most selfish self-centered person ever... and still is. I could write a whole page on just that...

You have to ask yourself.... why do you want WLS? are you ready for everything to change? are you ready for who you will become? are you ready to move on with your life if need be? are you ready to lose bf, family, friends? are you ready...... for your whole life to change? Go into the before and after pictures... look i would say 90% of the before pics. Most every one is so sad, hiding, or had to do some real searching to even find a before pic. Because no matter what we all may think, we are/were very unhappy people. Easily controlled because of all our insecurities. My thoughts.... I'm so fat, no other man will want me, at least this one does 1-2 times a year. I didn't want to be alone. Then look at the after pictures.... i would say 99% are soooo happy and now want to be in pictures, want to participate in life and think... I look pretty good... Then the opposite sex starts to notice you and that will become intoxicating... Your confidence with sore... and you will learn that you are worth happiness, you deserve happiness. You deserve to be healthy because i can tell you your health will only get worse. And the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight.

I never for one day regretted my WLS..... My husband now (just got remarried in Sept.) treats me like a queen.... I have my confidence back and he loves showing me off.... He is proud of me and i'm proud of me.

I'm going to try and find a post i made here Yearssss ago about how i felt. If i can i'll repost it.

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yea, well, I tried the diet & exercise route for at least 30 years. I gained and lost hundreds of pounds and only managed to diet & exercise my way up to over 300 lbs. Surgery is the only thing that worked for me.

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*No offense to you and your relationship at all*

I've seen so many of these posts now... that honestly in the year 2020, I don't know why autonomy (even within a relationship) is still up for debate.

Why do people still believe they should have deciding input over the body/health of another person who is not:

A. Their underage child to which they can be held legally responsible

B. Their guardian through power of attorney (court ordered or private decision)

C. In eminent danger and intervention would be life saving

IDK, Please live your best life. Good Luck. ❤

[Apologies...miniaturized rant over]

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My husband didn't want me to go through with the bypass after having a failed (in hospital with a leak for 3 months) gastric sleeve. He said that he didn't want me to have it, but he would support me. i said 'ok then' and did it anyway.

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