Why is it that when people have been successful at something ie: losing weight with the band, they become the judge and jury of any person who is now coming up behind them. They seem to self proclaim themselves as 'better' than the 'others', in an elite group and in some instances more virtuous than the rest of us. What makes succeeding in weight loss the holy grail, and thus the people who achieve it more perfect, more intelligent and more entitled to an opinion? In my opinion it appears to have made people more obnoxious and self rightious,not to mention condescending.

But as I have not yet attained the 'holy-weight-loss-I-am-without-fault-and-know-everything' badge my opinion probably doesn't count.:faint:

Why is it that when people have been successful at something ie: losing weight with the band, they become the judge and jury of any person who is now coming up behind them. They seem to self proclaim themselves as 'better' than the 'others', in an elite group and in some instances more virtuous than the rest of us. What makes succeeding in weight loss the holy grail, and thus the people who achieve it more perfect, more intelligent and more entitled to an opinion? In my opinion it appears to have made people more obnoxious and self rightious,not to mention condescending.

But as I have not yet attained the 'holy-weight-loss-I-am-without-fault-and-know-everything' badge my opinion probably doesn't count.:faint:

I was always obnoxious, self-righteous and condescending.

But I can see how people who don't know me from "before" could see this as a new thing.

I think that people are just too damn sensitive around here 95% of the time. When an "oldie" give advice it is because they have already gone through it. They know what it takes to get to goal and most of the time the people who get upset and bitch and moan are those who don't want to lift a finger to make it there. They eat what they shouldn't and get pissed when they post about it and people disagree with them. They don't want to exercise and then get pissed when people tell them they need to. Look at those people around here who are at or near goal. They all eat pretty well and they ALL exercise on a regular basis. And they all try to help by giving advice. I would much rather take the advice they are giving than of someone who has been banded just as long and is unsuccessful.

They don't say they are any better than anyone else, you are the one saying it.

Registered User

Join Date: Oct 2007

Posts: 67

"In my opinion it appears to have made people more obnoxious and self rightious,not to mention condescending".

I keep my eyes on the prize and realize that this is a very individual journey for each of us. Just because someone has gotten to their goal in a relatively short amount of time, doesn't make them anymore successful than someone who takes a lot longer. And I think that the successful people who are obnoxious, self rightious and condescending are probably that way regardless and are that way about other things in their lives and have probably always been that way.

There are people who struggle more than others and some people can not understand this. But most of us who are overweight do struggle with issues of addicition and that doesn't go away when you are banded. Others are more driven and focused and have the time to concentrate on themselves. They go on a diet just like they did in the past, but now they can no longer overeat and have the band to help keep the weight off.

I know that for me personally, I have fought my band every step of the way. Weight loss has been very slow for me. Some of the issues I have no control over, such as age, body type, post menopausal, had hard time getting restriction and I have other issues that came first over taking care of myself. But I could do much more and I am constantly recomitting and working on myself.

I don't think all people who get to goal have a superior attitude. I think most are very thankful and want to help others and understand the struggles. Sometimes it just takes longer to click and people have to find out for themselves what works and what doesn't. It takes time to learn new habits and our addiction wants to take over constantly.

Right now I am a little impatient with myself which is a good thing because I have been slacking on things I need to do. I really don't know how I feel about tough love because there is a fine line between being helpful and doing harm. I prefer to be supportive by encourageing people to keep trying no matter how many times they fail.

I agree that people who are obnoxious, self rightious and condescendiong are not helpful no matter how much they think they are. It is just a big turn-off.

Good luck and keep working toward your goal. It is not a race and slow weight loss is just plain healthier for most people.

**snort**

i have a feeling its not only waistlines that are getting thin. maybe some skin too?

in addition - i didnt know that weight loss assisted in reading ability. as in the answers to 90+% of your questions are right in front of your eyes. open them and read. you will learn a lot. granted it may take a few extra minutes to actually search for answers as opposed to having them handed to you on a silver platter, but you have to work for things you really want.

i have not seen anyone 'self-proclaim' elite status or whatnot. we're all in the same place. we are trying to lose a great deal of weight. hell, i still have about 90 pounds to go. some people starting out dont have 90 pounds to go and may reach their goal before me even though i've been banded a year +.

i also agree with babygrl - people dont necessarily want to hear our answers / advice. they want the justification that eating a nice piece of steak while on mushies or even liquids is fine and that they havent done damage to their band.

I did a long post but I just deleted it.

Because you know what? If you dont want the benefit of what I've learned through my own long hard slog, then jam it. Figure it out yourself.

Personally, and I know others feel the same, I have no need to share my own painful discoveries and lessons with somebody who holds them in contempt. You work it out. We all do in the end. Or dont. Its up to you.

The last week or two round here have taught me there's little point trying to lighten another's journey, they usually just spit in your face.

And forgive me if my tone's a little blunt. That would have to be the most spectacularly rude and nasty question I've read here. Sheesh.

Amen.

I value greatly the opinions of many of these ladies (and men) that have worked so hard to get to their goals. They look fantastic and I can only hope that I can get those kind of results.

I am extremely greatful that they are still on this board to guide us when we were new and to share what they have learned along the way.

Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you to all of you lovely Oldies!!!!!

I think that not only do people want to be phonily reassured and sometimes actually downright lied to when they're screwing up so they'll feel better about themselves but they also CHOOSE to misinterpret the tone and intent of advice and suggestions from others. My gosh, why in the world would people who have achieved (or damn near have) their goals and who obviously have lives outside of their banding experience type post after post after post...answering our repetitive questions and offering up opportunities to learn from their mistakes so we don't have to go through the pain (physical and sometimes emotional) they did if their hearts aren't in the right places? I just cannot believe they're lurking around this site to boast of their achievements on the off chance they can make us feel bad about ours.

When I was a newbie, I was grateful for the advise and encouragement of the oldies. Saved me from making lots of mistakes. I am sorry you view them as coming off "superior". Certainly nobody has to read others advise. You're free to blaze your own trail.

We do see a lot of people looking for validation. And we see a lot of people asking questions they KNOW the answer to, but are hoping to find that one answer that makes it all better.

As I've said on the subject before:

Someone who is seeking a particular kind of validation, and only wants your thoughts/opinions insofar as you can provide that validation. I call this person the seeker. Here's an example:

I think I made the right choice, do you?

(subsequent answers):

No

Nope

No

Not at all

Nope

No

No

No

Yes

Ok, I thought I had too, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one.

For example (in reference to no one in particular): I cheated on my pre-op diet, is that bad?

They KNOW it's bad, or they wouldn't be asking the question. The simple fact that they used the word "cheat" instead of something else gives it away. They aren't looking for a bunch of us to tell them "Yes it's bad," they're looking for that one person who will say, "I cheated on mine too and my surgery went just fine!"

I think that even though we have a degree of anonymity here, people still don't like to be completely honest. I mean - if you can't be honest with yourself, how will you be honest with strangers? (It happens - just not most of them time).

What people like that should post is, "I cheated and need to alleviate some of my guilt, please tell me I'm a good person" or "...please tell me you did too so that I can find comfort in numbers."

And if someone wants to ask that, fine, ask it. Just ask it, and not some halfway disguised version of what you're really looking for.

I will tell someone what a PB is until I'm blue in the face, or at least point them to the terminology thread. I will never mind doing that, even though the answer is out there. I understand that when ppl hit a messageboard, their first reaction is to post. Often they don't even think about whether or not the question has been asked before. I get that. But as the others have mentioned, one thing that really gets to me is when people ask advice and then argue the advice they're given. Or ask a question, and you answer it, and they respond something to the effect of, "Yeah I know that, I want to know about this..." Umm ok, but that's not what you asked...

These aren't "lapbandtalk" issues, and they aren't "old vs. new" issues, they broad communication issues. It's not like it's ONLY annoying asked by someone

• registered for for less than a month
  
• within 6 weeks of their surgery
  
• with fewer than 50 posts

... asks the question. Cripes, my mother could do the same thing and it would annoy me to the same degree.

I also don't understand - and I've said this before - how people could go into a position of lifelong change, major surgery, and potentially large expense (just to name a few factors) and have NO CLUE what is being done to them?

I don't know anyone who has breast augmentation, and then wakes of surprised that their boobs are bigger, or is shocked to learn that there are silicone bags in their chest. No, they pretty much know what they're in for.

So why is this procedure different? Why do we have people who get banded, and then are surprised to learn that there's a port? Or don't know that the band is on the outside of their organ? I can COMPLETELY understand someone thinking that "erosion" refers to the band itself eroding. Perfectly understandable, and would never mind answering a question about it. I CANNOT understand why someone post-op would ask how fills are done, since the band is on the inside... do they require another surgery?

I don't want to call it "common sense" because hey - my common sense isn't yours and yours isn't mine. But there is definitely a "wtf" element when you see something like that.

And it's not frustrating that it happens here, but just that it happens, period. I would hope, that in this day and age of readily available information, not to mention the required consultation, etc. that someone would take the time to learn about the implant they're undergoing surgery to receive.

Well said Wheetsin. Sometimes I wish I could say things so elequantly on a forum. LOL :biggrin1:

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wheetsin is a moderator.

Very, very well said.

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

What I get amused by is when I am in the chat room and it is implied that I must not have really have had a food problem like the bandster who is not making good choices and not on a exercise program because they just don't like to exercise.

Not everybody but enough that I have had to defend myself before and say yes I had a food addiction and I got up to 276 lbs to prove it.

Another rant while I am ranted.

IT KILLS ME when I hear a obese person or a obese person's relative say I , he or she doesn't REALLY eat that much.

edie

Chickie--Great comment! You crack me up! LOL

Babygirl1234--Well stated! Are you a psychic?? You read my mind!

losingjusme--I love your response--that's exactly the point!

uniqueone and NancyB--I agree with both of you. I'd much rather save myself pain and heartache by listening to the advice of someone who has already experienced being banded. What an invaluable resource! Who in their right mind would seek to mess up on purpose??

Wheetsin--You just rock! Somehow your psychobabbliciousness always hits that little old nail right on the head! :rockon:

As for me, I'm an "oldie" I guess because I'm almost a year out from surgery, but I'm not a raging success like some folks who post here. I didn't lose 100 lbs. one week post-op or anything. We all take our own path. I finished a post-graduate degree in a year (which was certifiably nuts I have to say). I started school in August 2006, got banded in December 2006, and finished school in August of 2007. That's a lot of sitting on my butt writing papers, which slowed down my weight loss a bit as you can imagine.

My doctor and I set my goal at losing 1/2 the total weight I need to lose by mid-December. I only update my ticker at "official" doctor's office weigh-ins so I actually have about 12.5 more pounds to go at this point. I probably won't quite make it, but I'm okay with that as long as the scale keeps going down. I Celebrate everyone's successes, but I'm cool if my ticker isn't as tremendous as someone else's. I'm just muddling along the best I can!

I'm always happy to encourage a "newbie" who is feeling down. That being said, I have less and less patience (surprising in my case, since I've been told I have the patience of Job) with people who insist on doing things that are bad/unhealthy/stupid/dangerous and then write in and ask if it's bad. What do you think? I have a simple formula for keeping "oldies" from becoming "obnoxious, self rightious, and condescending:"

1. Read the threads that will educate you about what you will experience pre-op, during the operation, and post-op like the Pre-op / Post-op Lap-band Surgery Questions & Answers and the Lap-Band Surgery FAQs and References threads.

2. Ask your doctor questions, attend pre-op seminars, and go to support group meetings if possible so you know exactly what you're getting into.

3. If you do what your doctor tells you to do, 9 times out of 10 ,you will lose weight successfully without complications, pain, and I'm pretty sure your band will never sproing out of your abdomen unexpectedly to adorn your newly set-up Christmas tree! :faint:

I'm just sayin'...

Why is it that when people have been successful at something ie: losing weight with the band, they become the judge and jury of any person who is now coming up behind them. They seem to self proclaim themselves as 'better' than the 'others', in an elite group and in some instances more virtuous than the rest of us. What makes succeeding in weight loss the holy grail, and thus the people who achieve it more perfect, more intelligent and more entitled to an opinion? In my opinion it appears to have made people more obnoxious and self rightious,not to mention condescending.

But as I have not yet attained the 'holy-weight-loss-I-am-without-fault-and-know-everything' badge my opinion probably doesn't count.:faint:

When I was a newbie I would see someone's ticker and there was almost a jealous aspect of me that I wasn't there yet. Why didn't I know about the band sooner? I would have been where they are.

I don't *think* I ever let my jealousy and frustration show but who knows, I might have.

I think that many times the oldtimers don't give as much slack as the newbies do. Someone can say, "I can't do the pre op diet, I tried and I can't make it one single day." They were right, they made it up through about noon that day, day #1.

Newbies will pat them on the head and tell them it's okay, the pre op diet really isn't important. The oldtimers know better and we don't play the games. We stand up and speak out. We explain WHY the pre op diet is important and instead of thinking it through and taking responsibility for their own actions they come out fighting and insisting they know better.

Well, if they know better why are they going to a doc that doesn't know a bloody thing? Look at the posts, when the oldtimers are agreeing with the docs and the newbies are validating poor choices, what would an outsider think? Which is more realistic? Which response is better? The newbies know more than many of the docs out there?

I hand out the SAME information now as I did before I hit goal. Same wording, same attitude, same everything. But now that I am at goal I have actually been told that I just don't understand. I don't understand??? I live it DAILY. Or I don't remember what it's like. How the heck could I forget? I've been at goal for a month.

I think there is a lot of critiquing of oldtimer posts that doesn't seem to exist with newbie posts. We could be saying the same thing but the oldtimer will be told they have an attitude.

We don't have an attitude, we have experience. Big difference.

There were people that called me on my bad choices in the beginning. I didn't resent them for being honest with me. While I didn't like it I did respect it. I think that is a main issue here.

IT KILLS ME when I hear a obese person or a obese person's relative say I , he or she doesn't REALLY eat that much.

well, that technically can be possible... most times i was not a huge volume eater. at a buffet i would get maybe 2 plates and they were not heaping at all (no food 'overlapped'), but dessert ... umm, yeah. LOTS of good Desserts. a piece of cheesecake, some chocolate cake, maybe some banana pudding ...

so not 'a lot' of regular food ... lots of BAD food choices - and not in a small quantity.

losingjusme--I love your response--that's exactly the point!

thanks, i didnt think i was clear ... nowhere near Wheet's post!!

congrats on your degree!

Newbies will pat them on the head and tell them it's okay, the pre op diet really isn't important. The oldtimers know better and we don't play the games. We stand up and speak out. We explain WHY the pre op diet is important and instead of thinking it through and taking responsibility for their own actions they come out fighting and insisting they know better.

or the 'experienced' bandster who hasnt really lost squat who says its ok if you cheated, you and your band will be fine.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! um, you dont know that!