Planning, Planning, Planning: How Much Time / Help Will I Need?

[Boldilocks 312]

Hi all - I am getting so much out of reading these forums. Thank you to everyone who contributes.

I am speeding my way through my 6 months of weigh-ins, and have had surgery scheduled for February 5th 2019. I'm fine with the timeframe - I have 3 more months to get my house in order. Llike, my literal house - am trying to declutter and deep clean to make things easier post-surgery. I liken it to being 6 months pregnant, and going into nesting mode, LOL.

Anyway - I have an unhelpful husband, and two unhelpful daughters (aged 11 and 10). The youngest will sometimes do a surprise clean up for me - but it's very surface and doesn't involve things like washing dishes or doing laundry.

I have read, heard, and experienced that very pale redheads like me feel more pain, and need more anaesthesia and painkillers. I have felt it first hand at the dentist and during my c-sections: it takes far more medication to numb me than a normal person. And I do not bounce back fast from surgery typically - with both c-sections it was several weeks, and with the breast reduction that I had 5 years ago it did take me about 6 weeks to get back to normal. Back then, though, my mum was here to help me. She took care of the kids, cooked and cleaned, and made me gorgeous breakfasts. She can't come this time though (she lives in Ireland).

Back then I also didn't have an outsde-the-home job to worry about, like I do now. I ran my own business (still do), but I can take whatever time I need for that. Now I also work part time - mostly behind a desk, but with kids who can sometimes run into me by mistake (I run a supervised visitation centre for our local domestic violence agency). I have it set now so I work per diem, so I'm not contracted for specific hours or times (my boss did this 2 years ago so that I could keep working my set hours as usual, but could also take 6 weeks off every summer to go home to Ireland without being penalised. Because I will never give up my summers in Ireland). So I basically can be available for work when I say I'm available. I am planning on taking 4 weeks off. Does that sound excessive? I want to give myself a chance to heal, and to get used to my new reality. I don't have to work there, we don't need the money, and I bascially just do it to get out of the house - so I'm in no rush to go back. My design business that run from home is my main job and my passion.

Which leads me to another question - how soon after can I knit? I know some of you do needle crafts. I am a knitwear desiger, so I make all the samples for the patterns I publish. It's not imperative I knit asap - most of my job is writing and maths to be honest - but for my mental health I need to get those needles in my hands as soon as I can.

Lastly - how much will I be able to do around the house? My husband is very, very, messy. Like scrubbing the sofa because he has spilled stuff is a daily occurance for me. He goes through clothes so fast that I do a load of laundry a day, and will use clean dish and after clean dish rather than rinse something. I am aiming to recruit my daughters - they are good girls and will be able to help a bit. But I'm fussy, and their standards are not mine, if you know what I mean? It's no good saying that I should make my husband do this or that - I'm no more capable of forcing him to do someting than he is of forcing me to do something. He is a lot older than me (25 years), domestic tasks are like a foreign language to him, and he has the attention span of a gnat and does everything half-assed. Let's just say, I wouldn't eat off a dish he had washed.

In 17 years he has never used the washing machine, never vacuumed, never made me a meal, or even a cup of tea. I anticipate a lot of take out (for the kids) and frozen dinners (for him).

But am I going to need to get a person in to clean for me? What has your experience been as the sole responsible person when you have been out of action? This is worrying me a lot - I am a planner and a worrier.

Our local Walmart has just started a grocery pick up service - so I can do that online and just have him pick it up. I have a robot vacuum cleaner (best thing ever), so that helps too. But the bathroom and kitchen will get grungy fast. How long will it be until I can de-grunge them?

Edited November 8, 2018 by Boldilocks

[Boldilocks 312]

And I apologise for the novel above. Like most Irish people, I suppose, I can't make a long story short.

Also just typing it out here helps me figure things out.

[GreenTealael 24,866]

Girl... Give your unhelpful crew a wake up call now. Randomly let them fend for themselves from now on. Do your own dishes, clean your own space, let them grow up and see what their new life will look like. They are ALL too old for that type of behavior.

Minimalism might help. Only 4 of you so really only 4 items of anything needed (plates, bowls, cups, spoons, forks, etc.), Capsule wardobing your children & husband's clothing, putting everything else firmly away. They appear to be abusing the freedoms of variety and your housekeeping skills.

4 weeks is not bad, you will be able to really recover and adjust to post surgical life

You'll probably be knitting as soon as you're not in constant pain. But recoveries are super individualized and cannot be anticipated until it's happening so everything is just prediction. Sorry.

Safe Journey!

Edited November 8, 2018 by GreenTealael

[Boldilocks 312]

2 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

Girl... Give your unhelpful crew a wake up call now. Randomly let them fend for themselves from now on. Do your own dishes, clean your own space, let them grow up and see what their new life will look like. They are ALL too old for that type of behavior.

4 weeks is not bad, you will be able to really recover and adjust to post surgical life

You'll probably be knitting as soon as you're not in constant pain. But recoveries are super individualized and cannot be anticipated until it's happening so everything is just prediction. Sorry.

Safe Journey!

Thanks for that, it's really reassuring.

Unfortunately, the tough love approach doesn't work with this lot - they are happy in their filth, and I am not. I have found if someone doesn't care about something, nothing you can do can make them care. Like when we came back from Ireland this summer after 6 weeks away, my husband had not done any laundry or dishes in that whole time. Had just gone out and bought himself new clothes instead, and paper plates. He also hadn't taken out the garbage in that whole time. And this is a qualified therapist with degrees from Columbia and Harvard. He just doesn't see mess, and if he does, he doesn't think it's a big deal. Believe me, I have tried so hard to instill the opposite in my girls, but when I try to stress the importance of chores, he barges in and insists that doing extra reading or study is more important. No, we don't have the best marriage, as evidenced by the fact that we piss off to Ireland for 6 weks every summer without him, lol - it is what it is. We aren't that close, and just rub along.

I can get my girls to do a bit - and I'm using these 3 moths to try to retrain. They are very excited by my surgery and want to support me. But they are spoiled and lazy - mostly his fault - and the mental energy it takes to get them to do anything is exhausting. They do some basic chores - garbage, cat litter, tidying up - and my main aim is teaching them dishes and laundry.

It's funny - when they were little they would help out all the time. Now, its a diferent story. I don't mind getting a cleaner in if I think its necessary.

[GreenTealael 24,866]

2 minutes ago, Boldilocks said:

Thanks for that, it's really reassuring.

Unfortunately, the tough love approach doesn't work with this lot - they are happy in their filth, and I am not. I have found if someone doesn't care about something, nothing you can do can make them care. Like when we came back from Ireland this summer after 6 weeks away, my husband had not done any laundry or dishes in that whole time. Had just gone out and bought himself new clothes instead, and paper plates. He also hadn't taken out the garbage in that whole time. And this is a qualified therapist with degrees from Columbia and Harvard. He just doesn't see mess, and if he does, he doesn't think it's a big deal. Believe me, I have tried so hard to instill the opposite in my girls, but when I try to stress the importance of chores, he barges in and insists that doing extra reading or study is more important. No, we don't have the best marriage, as evidenced by the fact that we piss off to Ireland for 6 weks every summer without him, lol - it is what it is. We aren't that close, and just rub along.

I can get my girls to do a bit - and I'm using these 3 moths to try to retrain. They are very excited by my surgery and want to support me. But they are spoiled and lazy - mostly his fault - and the mental energy it takes to get them to do anything is exhausting. They do some basic chores - garbage, cat litter, tidying up - and my main aim is teaching them dishes and laundry.

It's funny - when they were little they would help out all the time. Now, its a diferent story. I don't mind getting a cleaner in if I think its necessary.

This is where minimalism may help. If there's nothing to make a mess of you'll have less issues. Sometimes we just have too much stuff cluttering our lives. Let him buy new clothes and trash the old ones. Eventually if your kids run out of clean clothes and you refuse to do them, they will. They've been playing chicken with you and winning. My kids tried it, hell I probably tried it as a kid too. I digress.

The battle with the children, no solutions I can think of. I'm a firm believer in parents as a united front against the tyranny of adolescence.

Only paper products after surgery, so less worries for you to deal with. Less stress will be critical to your success. Removing as much before hand will help a ton. You may want to become super protective/selfish about your journey.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Well that may explain my long-winded story-telling, surplus Celtic🍀 Blood. Ron White, one member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, was once cautioned by a policeman, "You have the RIGHT to remain silent". Ron's retort " Yeah, I just don't have the ABILITY!" LOL😝

[Boldilocks 312]

This is where minimalism may help. If there's nothing to make a mess of you'll have less issues. Sometimes we just have too much stuff cluttering our lives. Let him buy new clothes and trash the old ones. Eventually if your kids run out of clean clothes and you refuse to do them, they will. They've been playing chicken with you and winning. My kids tried it, hell I probably tried it as a kid too. I digress.

The battle with the children, no solutions I can think of. I'm a firm believer in parents as a united front against the tyranny of adolescence.

Only paper products after surgery, so less worries for you to deal with. Less stress will be critical to your success. Removing as much before hand will help a ton. You may want to become super protective/selfish about your journey.

You speak a lot of sense - thank you.

I am on a major purge of the house - so I'm glad for the 3 months. I do tend towards the minimalist anyway - and am taking the opportunity to get rid of stuff. My husband's room is packed to the gills (we don't share a bedroom), and the girls less so. But I keep my room clean, and the rest of the house is usually pretty neat if I am there to pick up daily. I can just close the doors on their spaces.

I have a weekly cleaning checklist I follow, as well as one "zone" a week so that the whole house gets covered in a month. This week is the kitchen, and I have pitched a lot of silverware, pots, pans, and dishes that I never use. I will be printing out these checklists for the girls. You're right - they need to step up. I'm sick of asking then yelling at them and them not doing it anyway. They will be getting phones at Christmas, and so I might finally have some leverage by taking them away until the work is done!

And you're right - in the recovery phase I will keep my areas clean. If downstairs is bad, I'll simply stay in bed and not go downstairs! I'm worrying about the logistics of getting my kids to skating lessons and music lessons - if my husband won't do it (and he won't because he's at work when all these things take place) then they'll just have to miss them for a while. I never focus on me - but February is going to start a process of taking my life back!

My 5 year plan ends with me moving home to Ireland with my girls (that's why I don't divorce my husband - I wouldn't be able to take them and go home now because he won't give consent, so I may as well stay and be comfortable until they are 16 rather than divorcing and living in a crap hole nearby). It begins in February with me taking steps to get me back.

You sound like a great parent - hope your kids are proud of you! You are an inspiration! 💗

Edited November 8, 2018 by Boldilocks

[Boldilocks 312]

5 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

Well that may explain my long-winded story-telling, surplus Celtic🍀 Blood. Ron White, one member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, was once cautioned by a policeman, "You have the RIGHT to remain silent". Ron's retort " Yeah, I just don't have the ABILITY!" LOL😝

It's a curse, I tell you! LOL

[GreenTealael 24,866]

5 hours ago, Boldilocks said:

This is where minimalism may help. If there's nothing to make a mess of you'll have less issues. Sometimes we just have too much stuff cluttering our lives. Let him buy new clothes and trash the old ones. Eventually if your kids run out of clean clothes and you refuse to do them, they will. They've been playing chicken with you and winning. My kids tried it, hell I probably tried it as a kid too. I digress.

The battle with the children, no solutions I can think of. I'm a firm believer in parents as a united front against the tyranny of adolescence.

Only paper products after surgery, so less worries for you to deal with. Less stress will be critical to your success. Removing as much before hand will help a ton. You may want to become super protective/selfish about your journey.

You speak a lot of sense - thank you.

I am on a major purge of the house - so I'm glad for the 3 months. I do tend towards the minimalist anyway - and am taking the opportunity to get rid of stuff. My husband's room is packed to the gills (we don't share a bedroom), and the girls less so. But I keep my room clean, and the rest of the house is usually pretty neat if I am there to pick up daily. I can just close the doors on their spaces.

I have a weekly cleaning checklist I follow, as well as one "zone" a week so that the whole house gets covered in a month. This week is the kitchen, and I have pitched a lot of silverware, pots, pans, and dishes that I never use. I will be printing out these checklists for the girls. You're right - they need to step up. I'm sick of asking then yelling at them and them not doing it anyway. They will be getting phones at Christmas, and so I might finally have some leverage by taking them away until the work is done!

And you're right - in the recovery phase I will keep my areas clean. If downstairs is bad, I'll simply stay in bed and not go downstairs! I'm worrying about the logistics of getting my kids to skating lessons and music lessons - if my husband won't do it (and he won't because he's at work when all these things take place) then they'll just have to miss them for a while. I never focus on me - but February is going to start a process of taking my life back!

My 5 year plan ends with me moving home to Ireland with my girls (that's why I don't divorce my husband - I wouldn't be able to take them and go home now because he won't give consent, so I may as well stay and be comfortable until they are 16 rather than divorcing and living in a crap hole nearby). It begins in February with me taking steps to get me back.

You sound like a great parent - hope your kids are proud of you! You are an inspiration! 💗

Congrats on having 5 year plan! I think I need one too.✅

You may be surprised at how everyone steps up when they see you are changing too.

Divorce shmivorce, do what's right for your situation. If it's married apart while in Ireland, then go home (just promise to let me visit)

My children are pretty amazing but they have their conspiratorial moments too. When hardline parenting doesn't work i then drop of Motherhood and they suddenly see I'm not playing their games, I'm playing candy Crush and there will be no dinner or mall runs. Suddenly everyone knows what to do and order prevails. Teens. Sigh.

But I am thankful that their father and I are not together but parent mostly in unison.

You can totally reform everyone in 3 months, or get them in better habits. You got this!! You'll do amazing because you are being thoughtful and focused.

Edited November 8, 2018 by GreenTealael

[Deepseamariner 19]

Not to be crass, but it sounds like there’s a lot of issues in play here. Please do not take this as a slam on you or your family, but just an outsiders perspective.

1) the unsupportive family- only help those who will help themselves. Your husband helped make said kids, he can help feed them and clean their habitation. If he refuses, lay the law down to him.

2) kids- at the age, they should be doing chores as part of their “deal”. If they can change the channel on the tv or play on the cellphone, they can work a broom, take out the trash, follow written instructions on washing/drying clothes, operate a can of pledge and dust rag....if they ever want to see the tv (or what ever their vice is).

Someone has had to be the adult. By letting your spouse do as he does, you are condoning all of their poor behaviors. Therapist or not, it’s not acceptable. To be frank, call him out on his crap. He’s a big boy, it will be ok

As for for your needs and 4 weeks “off”, personally, I think it’s a bit much. You will be walking 2 hours after surgery. Some tenderness for a few days, maybe a week at most. 30 days absence from duties is absurd. My job is fairly physical in a hostile environment, ( requires lifting things over 100 pounds daily and on board a ship that routinely operates in 15-30’ seas)- I was back at work in 7 days.

Those 7 days off I was bored out of my mind.

As for care at home, you will be able to walk, use toilet, make your own food(liquids)... so really their will not be much need for reliance on anyone but yourself.

Edited November 8, 2018 by Deepseamariner

[Hop_Scotch 1,626]

From what I have read on these boards, time off for recovery varies greatly, some people needed six weeks others only needed one, there is no right or wrong, it is what works for you. Some people may not have needed the full time to physically recover but from reading what they have written, the time off was great for emotional and mental recovery.

[NYJenn 1,461]

Take this time to teach them to take care of themselves. They are a grown man and two very capable young ladies. You will be tired and in pain and recovering will be your job, not cleaning up after them.

[Lillymunster 49]

Redheads do need more painkillers, etc. it’s been proven that we have a higher tolerance to pain meds and anesthesia. Talk to your team about it. I did and my anesthesiologist was aware of that weird redhead fact.

For post op I needed help to feed my animals and clean. My mom would come by and do chores for me. At a week and a half out I can do most things except lifting heavy things and too much pushing and pulling. But my first day home I could do dishes, wipe down counters, etc. I really just listen to my body and if it hurts I don’t do it.

I know some people need help walking and getting up and down but I didn’t. I just had to go slow. You will need naps throughout the day though. Healing plus the lack of calories really does wear you out. It gets better everyday.

I’m out of work for 4 weeks but that’s only because my post op appt to get cleared for going back isn’t until week 4. I honestly feel like I could have gone back this week. I do have a desk job.

Do you have pre op support groups as part of your program? If so, bring your family so they can hear stories from others or make them come to a meeting with your surgeon so they can hear what you can and can’t do from the dr.

Good luck!

[CyndieRI 251]

I have teenage boys (18 and 15) and I agree - they would live in filth if I let them. They don’t care. What they DO care about is me! They were SOOO helpful when I had my surgery (10/10/18). My older son did most of the cleaning and my younger son cooked for the 2 of them. I had stocked up on frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, etc. Fortunately they are both super skinny so I didn’t have to worry about a couple of weeks of bad eating for them. I also had bought paper plates and plastic cups and cutlery. Almost no dishes! As for time out of work it definitely depends on the person. I could have gone back after a week - but I had taken 4 weeks off so I didn’t go back until yesterday. I don’t knit but I think I could have done that easily after a week. I never had much abdominal pain at all. Good luck!!