Need Advice on Talking to My Wife about WLS

[newlife082318 10]

I agree with Sadiebug. You are doing this for YOU.

She might try and talk you out of it, but that doesn't mean you don't do it. This is for you. I'm sure there is a fear of the unknown. You get skinny, you may leave, you might not be attracted to her anymore, etc. I honestly don't think the doctor will try and talk you out of it. If anything, s/he will TELL you that you need it and explain why. And 6 months on a diet is actually hard. Your insurance is looking for your commitment. WLS is not a cure. It's a tool. And you could still gain weight back after you lose it. But the tool will help YOU keep it off if you use it.

[TakingABreak 2,733]

22 minutes ago, PENGU1N said:

thanks @AshAsh1 I really appreciate the feedback. I really don't think it has anything to do with jealousy or potential jealousy, she's never been the type, which is one of her best qualities. I think she just needs someone in an authoritative position to let her know more about it. That's my hope as to what happens next.

thanks again

That's good that jealousy isn't an issue. I think the surgeon should then be able to put her concerns to rest.

[GreenTealael 24,864]

1 hour ago, PENGU1N said:

So.......I tried testing the waters this weekend and I brought the subject of WLS up with my wife. I might as well have asked for the Red Ryder BB Gun from a Christmas Story because she basically gave me the "you'll shoot your eye out" response I was dreading.....ugh

I started by telling her that I had done some research on the options, the surgeon, the recovery and looked at a WLS forum to get patient experience information as well. I approached it very "matter of fact" explaining what our insurance required, how long the different surgeries took, the recoveries, the pros/cons, etc.

When I got to the part about insurance requiring psych eval, gastrointestinal exams, and visits to a nutritionist with a 6 month diet, I was basically told, "well, if you have to do a 6 month diet first, you might as well not get the surgery because you will already have changed your ways and can lose the weight naturally."

After that, there was no more convincing or facts or anything I could say except, "lets talk to the surgeon next month and see what he has to say". I didn't say much about it after that because I was stunned and upset, but I didn't want to show it in an emotional way so I just said nothing and changed the subject.

I'm not sure what to do at this point except wait for my initial consultation and go from there. Maybe 6 months from now I will have been able to show her why I need this and why WLS is not "elective" for someone like me with my eating behaviors.

She may never be on board, be prepared for that. However you are not a ward of the "state", or a minor requiring consent from a "parent", if she can still love love and stand by you and allow you to make personal decisions, that's a good place to be in

[Mitzimom 31]

I would definitely ask her to go with you to meet with the nutritionist as well so she can ask the questions she has - like the whole , well if you diet for 6 months thing- and the nutritionist can explain to her why that’s not enough for some of us.

[Jobber 321]

6 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

She may never be on board, be prepared for that. However you are not a ward of the "state", or a minor requiring consent from a "parent", if she can still love love and stand by you and allow you to make personal decisions, that's a good place to be in

I will definitely prepare myself for this. I probably need to not put the cart before the horse and see what happens during this process. Once again my anxiousness about all this is probably clouding my judgement of the situation a bit too. Thanks GT

[Jobber 321]

4 hours ago, Mitzimom said:

I would definitely ask her to go with you to meet with the nutritionist as well so she can ask the questions she has - like the whole , well if you diet for 6 months thing- and the nutritionist can explain to her why that’s not enough for some of us.

This is a great idea, I will do that. Thanks MM

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

@PENGU1N, you are a very kind, reasonable person from what i can discern in your writing and this will serve you well on your journey.

Some people just see surgery as resorting to having no willpower, and maybe the seminar or surgeon nutritionist can be convincing otherwise but then maybe not. You will do fine either way because it is what you need and want. Good luck.

[Sadiebug 206]

I'm sorry your first conversation was difficult. Keep trudging along and see how things go. I personally only lost 8 lbs during my 6 months of pre-op visits....so clearly just doing that was not the answer for me. I'm not suggesting you intentionally fail during that time just to prove a point - but it may become obvious during the 6 months why that is not enough for you. Be honest with her during that time about your struggles with cravings, being overly hungry, difficult with willpower, fear of quick regain, slow weight loss etc. Maybe she will start to see why that is just not an option. Also, consider telling her that if you do get through the 6 months and are wildly successful and lose all of your weight with no issues you can reconsider the surgery. My husband appreciated knowing that I could and would back out if it anything changed to make surgery no longer the best option. I think that proved to him that I was being reasonable about it and not just blindly chasing after a magical surgery unicorn.

[Jobber 321]

14 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

@PENGU1N, you are a very kind, reasonable person from what i can discern in your writing and this will serve you well on your journey.

Some people just see surgery as resorting to having no willpower, and maybe the seminar or surgeon nutritionist can be convincing otherwise but then maybe not. You will do fine either way because it is what you need and want. Good luck.

Thanks for the nice words Sue.

[FluffyChix 17,409]

I'm going to be frank with you. Recidivism happens. It does. It's why so many of us here have yo-yo'd our way to the obesity ball and MO or SMO. We start with the best intentions and then we either begin to crave too much or grow complacent or life happens and the next thing we know we've backslid into our old unhealthy habits.

This surgery helps or can help break the cycle of the yo-yo. If you TRULY work in the next 6 months to change and prep for the surgery, you will have an infinitely stronger chance of long-term lifestyle changes that will hang around long after the honeymoon phase is over. I've heard WLS described as actually being weight maintenance surgery. But saying that, it does not guarantee that any one of us won't go back to our unhealthy relationships. Hell many of us still believe that all things in moderation are gonna hold out for them at the 3-5 year mark. But meh. That's them.

Your actions will be more valuable than words here. Just quietly go about working your routine. Get healthy. Follow the rules. Change your evil ways. She will either grow with you or apart from you and either way you will have your answer.

Mr. F. was always supportive and follows a low carb diet with me. But he has no desire to go through WLS as a patient. That's ok. I would have done it one way or the other. We used to be eating buddies. But we've adopted new activities rather than sitting at the local watering hole eating and drinking. He is not big on exercise, but now we're both walking and exercising and exploring together and we're both growing healthy. He's lost weight along with me. And he wants to stay on a healthy eating plan more than me some days! LOL.

So you do you. If you want this badly...start your work now. Don't be dissuaded!

[Jobber 321]

@FluffyChix very solid advice, I think this is my best option because debating (as well as getting too emotional) has never worked for me. I will quietly let this happen organically and hope for the best.

thanks!!

[nibble 201]

@PENGU1N-- It was hard to argue with the facts presented by a bariatric surgeon at the seminar I attended - "Obesity is a disease -- a chronic disease -- a chronic, deadly disease" -- those stark words really hit me between the eyes. Once that sank in, I was totally on board, and 6 months later, am 4 weeks post op and down #30. It starts with being overweight, then maybe you add high BP to it, then high cholesterol, then joint pain, or maybe Type II diabetes, and sleep apnea, and the list goes on and on. It's no magic bullet, but it's the best treatment medical science has to date. If you had cancer or some other disease, wouldn't your spouse want you to get treatment? The general public is slowly coming to terms with the notion of obesity as a disease rather than a self-imposed character flaw. Cancer is also not caused by a character flaw.

[Mitzimom 31]

@nibble - WELL SAID!

[GettinSkinnywithit 176]

I’m in the same boat as you but six months ahead. In fact had my last of six nut apts yesterday. Just need lab work and X-ray and I can file for insurance approval. I lost six pounds then gained five over the last two months - when I went from having a drink every night to once a week - go figure!

My wife had the same responses as you and I approached it as I’m going to go through the steps and then make the decision. I drop comments along the way to peak her interest because I know she will research it. I’ve discussed the biggest loser research, and most importantly the almost seemingly instant cure of co-morbidities. I periodically sent her links to articles as well. It’s unfortunate that WLS is so effective but so under utilized because of the stigma that’s it elective or you should try harder. I look at it as an addiction - do you tell an alcoholic to just stop drinking or a junkie to stop shooting up? No it doesn’t work that way and it doesn’t with weight loss either. food is a chemical and mental addiction.

She’s still not 100% on board but I’d say she’s now 75% and I know she would support me if I decide to go through with it which I’m getting closer to doing.

One thing I asked her to do was keep it between us, which she didn’t do and she told my sister. Come to find out my sister is behind it 100% so that has helped.

As others have said we can only do this for ourselves but having a spouse on board is very important IMO. I just finished Al Rokers book and now she is reading it. I find it’s easier if others tell my wife their opinion - then she listens more!

I’ve read this forum up and down and there’s a lot of good info if you dig. I think the stigma that WLS is giving up is what holds back a lot of people from supporting it at first which is just a lack of knowledge.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Is there really a Redneck Riveria Fla or is this a joke?