When I was 130 pounds heavier 16 months ago, dating was difficult. A pretty face, but if I just lost the weight. I always seemed to settle.

Now that I'm 130 pounds lighter, at 5'7" and a size 14, I work out five days a week and have been able to tighten and tone. Not perfect, but I'm built like a strong, fit roller derby chick and it's a pretty amazing feeling.

Dating at 45 in this new body, I thought would be easier, however it just seems I've gone up the ring of what men find attractive, however am not quite small enough. I've met some great guys I'm not attracted to and somehow, am attracted to guys who aren't so great.

I take pictures in the mirror, straight on, no angles, because I want to see what I look like. I've used some of these on a dating site with mixed results. One man told me I looked smaller in the picture than in person. Some, I can see, think the same thing, or I think they do and say I'm very pretty. At that point it's all about chemistry anyway.

I met a man last week who was tall, broad and charming on every level. I had shared with him that the previous week, I met a man for a drink, who proceeded to give me roses and then expected that I wanted to have sex with him. Of course I said no. I mean please. Even though this new guy knew I wouldn't, I could tell immediately by the number of drinks he wanted me to have, that he thought I would loosen up and let him come home with me. Of course, I didn't and was disappointed once again. Here I am, half the person I was, and here I am, meeting the same men...who think that because I'm not a size 4, that I'm going to be easy.

Now, I'm not saying women who are size 4 don't have this same problem. Also not saying that they don't have body issues either because I know all women have some kind of issue.

I guess I'm struggling with knowing what I really look like. I don't know if I look normal, average, curvy. I hoped it would be a little easier, an improvement dating on the other side of the scale. I'm an attractive, confident woman and won't be settling, however wonder how many people struggle with dating post surgery. Men and women.

Maybe it's just going to take someone really special .

Still hopeful, yet a little sad tonight, still feeling like the fat girl again on the inside.

100% this right here. When I met my husband 6 years ago I was thinking with my lap band. The lap band broke and he watched me gain 60 pounds over there next 4 years and guess what. He proposed and married me while I was over weight. 36 hours post-op sleeve now so I can get back to the girl he met 6 years ago. I'm lucky that he loved me through it and loves me no matter what size.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using BariatricPal mobile app

Stupid auto correct... should say "thin with my lap band" not "thinking".



Sent from my XT1635-01 using BariatricPal mobile app

@ReddGypsy hey girl. I think it's like this with every girl...guys don't take girls on dates anymore. It's now a "would you be down to hang out sometime" not "would you like to go on a date with me". It's as if they weren't taught how to treat a woman. Also, in this day and age, guys don't seem to want relationships...they just want a steady, casual hook up. UGH. I was doing the whole dating app thing while on a break from my relationship last year and I freaking hated it. I got back together with my boyfriend but man...it's rough out there...

As for what you said about not knowing what size you are...I SOOOOO FEEL YOU on that!

Some days i'm like damn I look good, my waist looks smaller, I feel like I look way smaller than what I weigh, but then I ordered an XL dress nervous as to how a L would fit in straight sizes and the XL fit me perfectly and I thought I was dumb for thinking I was already a Large in dresses. Sizing is different at certain stores though because I wear large shirts but ya...somedays i'm like am I obese, fat, thick? lol it's tough...it's hard to play that mind game in your head. It really messes with you/your confidence sometimes.

All. Thank you so much for relating, sharing your thoughts and the encouragement and support. At the end of the day my biggest challenge is with what's in my head and appreciating what I look like now. I want to read through and reply, however will do the easy thing first. Here's my now, meow =) .

5'7" 194 - Size 14/16

Edited November 3, 20178 yr by ReddGypsy

Well, all those dudes that say you look bigger in RL are asshats. You look fantastic. ((hugs)) LOL! Thanks for sharing! We visual aids!

You look great! One thing I remember from my college years was that when I was at my thinnest, at the weight I'm now using as a goal, there was still a guy telling me I should lose ten pounds more. I don't remember his name, so you can imagine how seriously I took that.

Good luck on your hunt. Another thing I think is silly is the "it'll happen when you least expect it" truism. I spent twenty years ignoring men and relationships and guess what? Nothing happened. If you want a relationship, go right ahead and look for one. Be creative, be active, be relentless! Go for it.

ya that guy can go scratch.

Dating sucks at any size. I just ended an 18 month relationship a few months ago, and for now the idea of "dating" turns my stomach...lol

I think you look good. You are a little thick, that’s all. I personally have always been attracted to thick women. I met my wife on March.com 7 years ago.

I guess I will go ahead and approach this from a male perspective. If a guy is truly ready to be in a relationship, he won't mind waiting for it. If he is trying to get it on the first date, he is only looking for a hook-up. What really attracts many men to women thin or large is confidence. Confidence is important. Many women that have lost a lot of weight, as you said, may still feel fat, and just don't think they are as beautiful as they truly are. This may be a turn-off to some guys.
Love yourself and don't settle for a jerk. You deserve much more. Don't, however bring up other dates or guys on a first date. Don't discuss sex either for that matter. These topics tend to lead to disappointment or even resentment. Meet up on the first few dates and get to know the guy. That way, you both go your separate ways once it is over.
When you are ready, stop meeting up, and start going on more traditional dates. I wouldn't try to meet guys through dating sites either. Not that you can't find a good guy on one...You would probably do better by going out to happy hour at a restaurant or a festival with friends.
Again, be confident and happy on the inside. You must love yourself before you are ready to love someone else. Good luck to you ladies out there that are trying to meet your soul mates.

Great advice all around!!
Confidence is so important. Save the talk about other guys/dates for girlfriends. And online dating is hard. Although can happen. Married 4 year this January here. However I went out of my comfort zone and went on a date with a guy I wasn’t necessarily attracted too from his pictures and he was my prefect match! So glad I opened my ‘parameters’.

All. Thank you so much for relating, sharing your thoughts and the encouragement and support. At the end of the day my biggest challenge is with what's in my head and appreciating what I look like now. I want to read through and reply, however will do the easy thing first. Here's my now, meow =) .
5'7" 194 - Size 14/16

I’d say you look great. Curvy and natural. ‘Average’ size wise.
Have you tried letting ppl set you up for a blind date?? Or joining a book club? Or something else you might not normally do or go to places you might not normally go?
Good luck!

While I agree with everyone else regarding confidence, men are men regardless of size, etc... I just want to say you're not alone in your feelings... For me, I got really messed up in the head after my surgery. About a year post-op, about half the weight of what I originally had been, and dudes were constantly hitting on me. Or maybe it felt constant because I had literally only ever been hit on a handful of times before that... But there was definitely a noticable spike in how attractive I was to others. It wasn't just guys either.. suddenly girls I knew in high school who had snubbed or bullied me for being big we're interested in what I was up to and "what my secret was." I even got better service in restaurants! As someone who had been obese since childhood, family always telling me how much healthier and better looking I would be if I just lost weight... The fat girl mentality was burned onto my brain (and still is). I developed coping mechanisms and strategies that motivated me to be the funny girl, sweet girl, generous girl... qualities that forced people to see past my fatness and see what a great person I was. But once majority of the fat was gone, I didn't have to do that anymore, but I still felt like that fat girl on the inside... I was with my current boyfriend at the time I got the surgery 7 years ago, and he loved me then just as he loves me now (so true love really does not see size), but we broke up for a while due to his issues with jealousy (thanks to all the new dudes hitting on me) and my mental health issues (thanks to the fat girl inside vs. skinny girl outside). During the time we were broken up, I dabbled in dating, and because of my skewed mentality I found it so hard to tell if dudes were seeing and liked me for who I was inside, or if all they could see was outside and they just wanted to bone. It's a pretty rough thing to wrap your head around... I don't think that's anything like what you've been through, and sorry if this is unrelated, but I just wanted to say that I think your feelings are warranted. Not necessarily accurate, but understandable. And honestly, I think that you shouldn't give up on dating because of these experiences. Just continue not giving up that nookie, and you'll know when the right one comes along. You really are gorgeous, and you're doing you. Someone is bound to fall in love with that sooner than later. I hope it gets easier for you! ❤️

25 minutes ago, Samburger said:

I developed coping mechanisms and strategies that motivated me to be the funny girl, sweet girl, generous girl... qualities that forced people to see past my fatness and see what a great person I was. But once majority of the fat was gone, I didn't have to do that anymore, but I still felt like that fat girl on the inside.

Hey, I know this behaviour first-hand.

Besides being obese, I make sure I am pack-leader (in a good way) at my work. I am known for "ace-ing" courses and training. I am used to using my wit and humour well to let other people see the positives I can exhibit.

In my family and my social circle, I am known as the loyal, generous giver (and I enjoy being that and it's not an act).

I am also known for challenging the despots who come into my workspace (bad managers, evil clients) and protecting other employees from them. [Hell, I have nothing to lose ... many of the line managers and bosses and nasty clients already despise my obesity SO giving them 'return serve' when they pick on younger or inexperienced employees is easy.]

1 hour ago, Rainbow_Warrior said:

In my family and my social circle, I am known as the loyal, generous giver (and I enjoy being that and it's not an act).

Oh, yes. I didn't mean to say that I am not actually those things (funny, generous, etc.). I AM a very nice, sweet, and giving person... Almost to a fault! It's partly a cultural thing stemming from my family. I think I just overcompensated in those areas to make up for the fact that I was obese, which, as you already know, is outside of societal norms and looked down upon. I just didn't realize that that's what I was doing at the time... Until I didn't have to anymore, because of my weight loss. Ya know what I mean? It was all just a big mind f*ck for me. Being obese was just a huge part of who I was. In psychological terms, I was fat for all stages of my personality development. So it was like I lost part of who I was, but only on the outside. I don't know, it's complicated! LOL maybe this is not the right posting to be ranting about this I'm glad I'm not alone in this, though.

Keep being your badass self!

26 minutes ago, Samburger said:

I think I just overcompensated in those areas to make up for the fact that I was obese, which, as you already know, is outside of societal norms and looked down upon.

As I look out of my head through my eyes, I generally see a small section of either side of my nose and the metal rims of my spectacles.

Occasionally, through the day, I see my hands doing whatever they do at any particular time.

Rarely do I see photos or videos of myself. (If I did see them more often, I'd have probably reacted with a bit more urgency to do more about weight loss in my late 30s before the task became almost insurmountable.)

I don't usually see or IMAGINE the fat/obese me. Shaving is only five minutes every second or third day if I blade-shave. Combing my hair in front of a mirror focuses my eyes to the top of my head ... NOT the protruding abdomen.

In an ideal world, obese people's walls might become mirrors so we become more conditioned as to how others perceive us.

Just a 'stream of thought' 2c worth there!

Edited November 11, 20178 yr by Rainbow_Warrior
grammar & organisation

dating beyond your 30s is hard...sometimes people have to lower their standards but they refuse to which makes it harder

Edited November 13, 20178 yr by illailla