When I was 130 pounds heavier 16 months ago, dating was difficult. A pretty face, but if I just lost the weight. I always seemed to settle.

Now that I'm 130 pounds lighter, at 5'7" and a size 14, I work out five days a week and have been able to tighten and tone. Not perfect, but I'm built like a strong, fit roller derby chick and it's a pretty amazing feeling.

Dating at 45 in this new body, I thought would be easier, however it just seems I've gone up the ring of what men find attractive, however am not quite small enough. I've met some great guys I'm not attracted to and somehow, am attracted to guys who aren't so great.

I take pictures in the mirror, straight on, no angles, because I want to see what I look like. I've used some of these on a dating site with mixed results. One man told me I looked smaller in the picture than in person. Some, I can see, think the same thing, or I think they do and say I'm very pretty. At that point it's all about chemistry anyway.

I met a man last week who was tall, broad and charming on every level. I had shared with him that the previous week, I met a man for a drink, who proceeded to give me roses and then expected that I wanted to have sex with him. Of course I said no. I mean please. Even though this new guy knew I wouldn't, I could tell immediately by the number of drinks he wanted me to have, that he thought I would loosen up and let him come home with me. Of course, I didn't and was disappointed once again. Here I am, half the person I was, and here I am, meeting the same men...who think that because I'm not a size 4, that I'm going to be easy.

Now, I'm not saying women who are size 4 don't have this same problem. Also not saying that they don't have body issues either because I know all women have some kind of issue.

I guess I'm struggling with knowing what I really look like. I don't know if I look normal, average, curvy. I hoped it would be a little easier, an improvement dating on the other side of the scale. I'm an attractive, confident woman and won't be settling, however wonder how many people struggle with dating post surgery. Men and women.

Maybe it's just going to take someone really special .

Still hopeful, yet a little sad tonight, still feeling like the fat girl again on the inside.

On 11/12/2017 at 7:22 PM, illailla said:

dating beyond your 30s is hard...sometimes people have to lower their standards but they refuse to which makes it harder

I'm not sure I know what you're trying to convey here. Whenever someone has trouble finding a mate, people accuse him or her of being too picky or having too high of a standard. And I'm sure some people are too picky, but sometimes it's just that you haven't met the right person. Sometimes it seems like a miracle when it actually does happen for two people.

I have a preference for certain things in terms of appearance--maybe that's shallow, but I can't imagine having a good relationship without some level of physical attraction. I also have certain parameters--the guy shouldn't be married or involved with another woman! He shouldn't be an alcoholic, a drug user or dealer, unemployed (unless retired or otherwise financially secure). Perhaps the hardest of all, he has to be someone I can talk to comfortably.

Is that too picky? I don't think so, somehow.

Ok

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23 minutes ago, XYZXYZXYZ1955 said:

some level of physical attraction ... shouldn't be married or involved ... shouldn't be an alcoholic, a drug user or unemployed ... hardest of all, he has to be someone I can talk to comfortably.

Entirely reasonable.

Thank you for bringing up this topic. Dating has been a challenge before and after surgery but there is definitely something unique about dating post op. I'm 7 months post op and started dating a little and I have to force myself to accept compliments without making some disparaging comment or cringing. I'm also working on my 'fat girl inside' mentality. I'm really starting to feel like I may never get rid of that feeling. I think the primary factor that causes it is confidence.

Your size is certainly not the problem here. I think that dating is hard no matter what. You look incredible and it'll take some time to develop more confidence. Ultimately I hope to have enough confidence that if someone doesn't like my body, personality or anything else that it really doesn't matter. At the end of the day it really doesn't. If a man is so hung up on weight/size I'm not sure I want to be with him anyway. If they make a negative comment about your body that's a reflection on them not you. They aren't worth your time and at least you know that up front. Try to look at it as a positive that you didn't get caught up with someone who doesn't deserve you. <3 Best wishes in your search!

so here is a dating story from an older lady. I had a lapband when I was 66. I lost my husband of 39 years a few years ago. He loved me fat or thin. I also lost 3 other members of my family at that same time . I was depressed but knew I had to try to maintain my weight loss. Met a man through a weekly charity poker game. so long story short, he asked me out and I told him up front about my weight loss surgery and I had a lot of apron skin at the time. I still started to feel confident because he always said he didn't care about that, liked me because I was confident. I had skin surgry last Spring and he was by my side and took care of me. Life has no guarantees and it goes by so fast. If a man only cares about you if you are perfect and thin you need to find someone who is genuinely caring and honest. I am very blessed and we are now engaged to be married and he still loves me for who I am. sometimes its destiny. Get out there and live life, and if it's meant to be it will happen.

On 14/11/2017 at 1:27 AM, XYZXYZXYZ1955 said:

I'm not sure I know what you're trying to convey here. Whenever someone has trouble finding a mate, people accuse him or her of being too picky or having too high of a standard. And I'm sure some people are too picky, but sometimes it's just that you haven't met the right person. Sometimes it seems like a miracle when it actually does happen for two people.

I have a preference for certain things in terms of appearance--maybe that's shallow, but I can't imagine having a good relationship without some level of physical attraction. I also have certain parameters--the guy shouldn't be married or involved with another woman! He shouldn't be an alcoholic, a drug user or dealer, unemployed (unless retired or otherwise financially secure). Perhaps the hardest of all, he has to be someone I can talk to comfortably.

Is that too picky? I don't think so, somehow.

I think when people say 'lower your standards' they don't really mean you should be willing to date married alcoholics (at least I hope not!)

But I know more than a few (single) women who have a literal list of requirements: be above a certain height, earn a certain amount of money, have a certain level of education, etc. etc. There's a tendency for a lot of women to go around with a Mr. Perfect in their head and that's who they want and no one else will do. The probelm is, he doesn't exist - because you made him up.

I didn't lower my standards when I went out with my husband for the first time, but I did open myself up to new possibilities. He wasn't my type at all, his clothes were too conservative, he wasn't nearly as "cool" as other guys I'd dated... and he's the most wonderful man in the world: supportive, funny, romantic, clever.

So I don't like the phrase 'lower your standards,' but I do think people should keep an open mind about who they're willing to date. Just because a man doesn't catch your eye or make your heart flutter at first sight doesn't mean you won't have crazy chemistry with him once you get to know him a little. Just because he's unemployed right now or doesn't make a lot of money doesn't mean he can't be a great guy who keeps your house running like a well-oiled machine (stay at home dads!)

Anyway, no, avoiding drunks and cheaters is not being too picky. But beyond that... I think it's worth it to give unlikely suitors a chance.

2 hours ago, loey13 said:

I think when people say 'lower your standards' they don't really mean you should be willing to date married alcoholics (at least I hope not!)

But I know more than a few (single) women who have a literal list of requirements: be above a certain height, earn a certain amount of money, have a certain level of education, etc. etc. There's a tendency for a lot of women to go around with a Mr. Perfect in their head and that's who they want and no one else will do. The probelm is, he doesn't exist - because you made him up.

I didn't lower my standards when I went out with my husband for the first time, but I did open myself up to new possibilities. He wasn't my type at all, his clothes were too conservative, he wasn't nearly as "cool" as other guys I'd dated... and he's the most wonderful man in the world: supportive, funny, romantic, clever.

So I don't like the phrase 'lower your standards,' but I do think people should keep an open mind about who they're willing to date. Just because a man doesn't catch your eye or make your heart flutter at first sight doesn't mean you won't have crazy chemistry with him once you get to know him a little. Just because he's unemployed right now or doesn't make a lot of money doesn't mean he can't be a great guy who keeps your house running like a well-oiled machine (stay at home dads!)

Anyway, no, avoiding drunks and cheaters is not being too picky. But beyond that... I think it's worth it to give unlikely suitors a chance.

Interestingly, this is almost precisely the advice of Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach whose stuff I read online--he urges women to be open to guys who don't fit their "list" and to give guys who don't immediately attract them a chance. The guy I'm currently seeing doesn't have a college degree, but I've found he's one of the few I can talk to--he's smart, he reads, and I don't give a crap about the degree, though I'd probably put that on a fantasy list if I were making one.

I'll preface the post by pointing out that the last time I discussed dating on this board, the thread took a turn in the disastrous direction (I believe you can dig it up via a search) so I am putting on my full armor gear this time.

My experience as a new 30-year old has not been so positive either. I get alot of interest from less-than-average guys in the attractiveness department telling me that I'm beautiful but none from the above-average ones. My conclusion is that the less-than-average guys do not actually mean what they are saying; they just pick out the unattractive girls that they actually have a chance with and hope for a foot in the door by appealing to their low self-esteem.

Here is my bottom line about physical attractiveness which might help you think about the issue- I don't have a minimum criteria on attractiveness itself. Having said that, I am seriously committed to making healthy eating and fitness a top priority for the rest of my life. Just as I expect my partner to be compatible along my other priorities (basic values, etc), I put a high premium on the partner being committed to fitness as well. I'd like to think that this is a sensible attitude but unfortunately in practice the guys in my area tend to fall into one two buckets - the body builders who can squat 400 pounds and the serial couch potatoes. So we'll see how it goes.

I think dating websites generally attract scummy people cause it seems like the person might be a little desperate. I remember the best women I have met in my life have been unexpected and when I was not looking to meet people..The ones I met in bars, or nightclubs were messed up with tons of issues usually..

I have liked all sorts of women in my life but the most important thing I looked for was confidence, which in my opinion is sexy as hell, and dating websites seem to strip people of their confidence. I think the old fashioned way of meeting people is the best and it has to be completely random.

I think when people say 'lower your standards' they don't really mean you should be willing to date married alcoholics (at least I hope not!)
But I know more than a few (single) women who have a literal list of requirements: be above a certain height, earn a certain amount of money, have a certain level of education, etc. etc. There's a tendency for a lot of women to go around with a Mr. Perfect in their head and that's who they want and no one else will do. The probelm is, he doesn't exist - because you made him up.
I didn't lower my standards when I went out with my husband for the first time, but I did open myself up to new possibilities. He wasn't my type at all, his clothes were too conservative, he wasn't nearly as "cool" as other guys I'd dated... and he's the most wonderful man in the world: supportive, funny, romantic, clever.
So I don't like the phrase 'lower your standards,' but I do think people should keep an open mind about who they're willing to date. Just because a man doesn't catch your eye or make your heart flutter at first sight doesn't mean you won't have crazy chemistry with him once you get to know him a little. Just because he's unemployed right now or doesn't make a lot of money doesn't mean he can't be a great guy who keeps your house running like a well-oiled machine (stay at home dads!)
Anyway, no, avoiding drunks and cheaters is not being too picky. But beyond that... I think it's worth it to give unlikely suitors a chance.

Somebody gets it....

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I spend a lot of years as a young fat teen then woman. It's sad that so many people do make remarks that further dent your self esteem and make you feel fat and unattractive. I had men who were more than happy to hook up for sex but not in public or in front of their friends. It took me many years to realize that's on them not me but there was a huge amount of damage done. When I met my husband I was big he was recently divorced from a lady who was a size 2. It didn't make any difference one way or the other to him. He has stuck with me through mental illness and depression and loading weight on to 407lbs. Now I am in the 200s and he is so proud and happy for me. We have been together 27 years and had a beautiful marriage and the weight has never been an issue for him other than my health. You look amazing! Keep that confidence and don't settle for less than you deserve. I hope you don't mind d but I showed my husband tour pic and told him the story. He said those men must have rocks in their heads she's beautiful and looks like a real woman who is healthy and not a stick insect lol and the guy on here who said you were a little "thick" must be a bit thick himself.. Thick in the head!

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Going to repeat what everyone has said here. Sorry [emoji4] It really isn't you or your size. I was tiny, very fit, bikini model [emoji15] But some guys still acted like jerks! Go out on a date and they expect you to sleep with them, give me a break. It is not you... its them. Keep at it, Im sure we will both find a good one


5' 5"
HW: 259
CW: 230
GOAL: Healthy