Best friend told me she doesn't want to hear anything about my surgery...

[SkinnyDown 409]

I'm so sorry you had to hear that from a friend who you supported in the same situation.

Luckily so far, the few friends I have shared that I had surgery with, have been very supportive. I have a lot of friends I went to college with, that have no clue, as I did not tell them, and they live all over the country. I don't plan on the big reveal, until I have met goal, and had the plastics my insurance will cover. Then I'll let the world know.

Honestly the harshest and most hurtful comments have come from my 2 younger sisters. I now hear things like...

"What are you going to do with all the wrinkles that will appear on your face, when you lose?" (although I don't see any more wrinkles now than I did 145 lbs ago) and "what are you going to do with that big deflated skin flap where your double chin was." (that one was true, it's there. I do exercises to try to help strengthen muscles in the area, it's about all I can do) They both know my insurance won't pay for that kind of cosmetic surgery, and I can't afford face surgery on my own.

Why they would even say those things to me, is mean in my opinion. At first they were supportive and the more I lose, the more biting the remarks get. One sister is average sized, and always has been, and the other fluctuates, and is big right now. She cuts me off everytime I want to talk about my progress. I guess it's just a reminder to her that she's ate her way back to almost bigger than me at this point. I can't help that, but I was hoping for more support.

We just have to keep doing what we are doing, and know envy and jealousy are things you will come across.

My thought would be if you confront her, is remind her how supportive you were of her and her surgery.

Yet again, this supports my argument, they just don't give enough help with food addiction issues in these bariatric programs.

Edited March 27, 2016 by SkinnyDown

[Nikki Jarvis 6]

I am 25, almost 26 (on Tuesday) and I was just approved for my gastric sleeve surgery after starting this process almost a year ago. Great news, right!? Of course I couldn't wait to share this news with my best friend of nearly 16 years, especially since she is the one who inspired me to go this route. She had her gastric sleeve about 2 years ago and it changed her life. She lost about 100 pounds. She has gained quite a bit back now, but nonetheless, the surgery has still bettered her life.

When I told her Anthem approved my surgery and it's in April, she simply said "Oh...that's good." Not quite the response I was expecting, but oh well, I was pumped. Later on while we were shopping she randomly said "You're not going to change once you get this surgery are you?" with quite a bit of aggression. I replied, "What do you mean?" She said "Like, your personality. Are you going to become a different person?" I said "Of course not. I love my personality, why would I change it? It's the outside of me and my health that I don't like. Why would you ask me that? I never once asked you anything like that when you were having your surgery." She didn't really say anything else about it and we went on with our day.

Later on that night, after having so many different scenarios fly through my head all day, I mentioned that I was stressed about having enough money for the surgery, time off of work, etc. and I'm hoping everything works out okay. Her response...."You know, I really don't want to hear about your surgery. At all."

Her saying that and acting this way frustrates me to no end. During the whole process of her having her surgery, I was supportive and happy for her. Never once did I make it about me or turn it into something negative. Since I started this process she's had nothing positive to say about it. She's always held me up on a pedestal compared to herself. She's always compared herself to me, and I have never compared myself to her. It did not bother me a bit that she weighs more than 100 pounds less than me now. But, I truly believe she does not want me to lose weight in fear that I'll be "smaller" than her which is ridiculous. We both know what it's like to be overweight. We've both been there. I want to be healthy. It sucks that my own best friend can't be happy that I'm having this life changing surgery because of jealousy. Especially when she's already been through the same process and had the same opportunity.

Having someone not be there for you like you were for her, is very upsetting and disheartening. I would say find a new circle of friends but still be her friend. She will see that you are not trying to "One up" her. If you were trying that, you would have done it a long time ago.

I some what agree that she does not want you to lose weight. She might feel you will be better at it, progress better and find a better way of life. She asked if you were going to stay the same because she knows SHE did not stay the same. SHE changed.

[illailla 79]

don't go getting rid of a 16 year friendship just because people on the internet are telling you to based on this one situation that's ridiculous

it's obvious that she is threatened by you having the surgery she even admitted it by asking if you'd be the same person..you have to tell her how you felt about it instead of be quiet..that's the problem with most relationships..people speak in code and don't say things instead of coming out with what bothers them in plain english

if she continues to act this way then you should consider reevaluating your friendship with her

Edited March 27, 2016 by illailla

[Gigiandthesleeve25 12]

I'm currently in a similar situation. I'm also 25 years old and my best friend of 8 years doesn't support my decision to get the sleeve and has tried to discourage me and has even went as far as trying to sabotage my journey by using my food addiction. She's overweight as well, which makes sense as to why she's going to such great lengths and can't be fully happy for me.

My mom, who has been post op for 3 years, gave me some really good advice. Firstly, you're going to change because right now, you're not your best self. Secondly, this surgery can be an eye - opener. The friends you have at 300 lbs. may not be the friends you have at 140 lbs. It depends on what your friendship is built on. Most of my friendships are built around my food addiction and I didn't realize that until I started my journey. I didn't realize I was the "fat friend" or the "plus sized" friend people used to masquerade their insecurities or used to boost their self esteem. You're going to have to find a way to deal with the fact that your weight may be her security blanket. Thirdly, you don't need this stress before having surgery. Having elective surgery is stressful enough. You have made a life altering decision to have elective surgery, which isn't an easy decision. As I am learning, true friends are supportive even when they don't necessarily agree with your decisions. Maybe this is the perfect time to reevaluate your friendship and ask yourself "Is this a healthy friendship?" Your life is about to change for the better. You're taking steps to become your best self and you deserve to be around people that will Celebrate these things with you and will truly be happy for you. I hope I was able to help! Many blessings on your weight loss journey!

Love,

Gigi

Sent from my SM-N900T using the BariatricPal App

Edited March 28, 2016 by Gigiandthesleeve25

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

The honest truth is you will change after massive weight loss. Most likely for the better, but I believe most people change at least some aspects of their life besides diet and activity level. Change is hard and can be threatening.

Sent from my KFJWI using the BariatricPal App

[Dub 9,922]

The honest truth is you will change after massive weight loss. Most likely for the better, but I believe most people change at least some aspects of their life besides diet and activity level. Change is hard and can be threatening.

Sent from my KFJWI using the BariatricPal App

So much truth right there !!!!!

[needtorecover 574]

I have a really hard time talking about my surgery with friends who are either obese or have lost weight via diet pills, strict diet, or heavy exercise. My obese friends don't want to talk about it because it highlights the fact that they haven't done anything to change their weight, and my friends who have lost weight through other methods may feel superior to me since I "resorted" to WLS when they white-knuckled their way through a severe WL program.

My thinner friends and family are definitely the most supportive! It's funny how that works.

I'm lucky that I have several life-long friendships from childhood and college. I've lost a couple through irreparable damage to our relationships - one married someone I accused of being an alcoholic and I vocalized my disagreement and she decided to dump me rather than dump her fiancé. Turns out I was wrong and I deeply regret my big mouth but what's done is done and our relationship has never been the same. Another married a Texan bigot who hates gay people and this friend dumped me and my partner (who was friends with her for 20+ years prior) in favor of said Texan bigot. That loss hurt a LOT. Cut us both pretty deep - it sucks feeling inadequate over something you literally cannot control.

These losses do hurt. But sometimes they're necessary. I was the crappy friend in the first scenario and I deserved to be dumped. My friend who married TB was a terrified sheep who thought this man was her only shot at getting married and having children - we always knew marrying a Lutheran was extremely important to her and supported her even though we're agnostics and that never got in the way of our friendship until this man came along and forbade our friendship. She chose him over us and it is what it is.

Point is, you need to do what's best for you right now. Try giving it a chance because lifelong friends are priceless, and if the friendship is true it's worth trying to salvage. As others said, it's likely she's feeling insecure because she perceives her WLS as unsuccessful and your starting this journey reminds her of her failure.

I'd ask her if she wants to talk about it. Tell her you'd love to have a WLS buddy and ask her for advice. Maybe if you make her feel like hers was a success she'll be more open to talking about it.

Sorry you're going through this Friendships get harder to manage and maintain as time passes, I've learned.

[Kindle 8,667]

The honest truth is you will change after massive weight loss. Most likely for the better, but I believe most people change at least some aspects of their life besides diet and activity level. Change is hard and can be threatening.

Sent from my KFJWI using the BariatricPal App

Not to mention you are 25. You are going to change regardless of what you weigh. I am certainly not the same person I was at 25, no matter if I'm fat or thin. Friends come and go. Very few stay a lifetime. Life changes a person, you can't blame it on a surgery.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@tiffanymarie6997 When people come to me and ask about WLS i always ask a few questions: 1) if you are married and/or have a significant other, how strong is your relationship? 2) how is your support system? Family? friends?

#1.... even the best (NOT ALL) relationships are strained sometimes... and WLS has brought even the strongest to an end..... i found that out the hard way. My husband has never been supportive of my WL. He loves the unhappy, no confidence, stay at home wife.... and has tried everything he can to make me lose site of where i am now. But it's not working...

#2.... support system.... My dear this is SOOOO very important. Can you do it alone, sure... but it's so much better when you have people in your corner cheering you on... Those At-a-girls mean a lot. I have told many to become more aware of who your "true friends" are.... the will rise to the top... And i have to say this first off..... You my dear are a stunningly beautiful girl... OK.. This is what i have found (my experience, not everyone).... The "thin" friends.. most will be supportive of your weight loss.... until you start to become competition. This i mean... All fat girls have those thin friends they love hanging with you because you are fun, funny, charismatic.. and a NON threat... BUT... you start losing the weight and men start hitting on you, you now are competition for them. This is bad for them, especially the ones that rely on looks. Those will drop like fly's... Good riddance. THEN there are the "fat" friends... these are the ones that it hits the hardest..... they don't want you to lose weight, they want you to stay fat with them.. and yall can go out and party in a big fat girl group... I know that sounds harsh.. but it's true. The Fact is when you start losing more weight more of the men will start to hit on you... (im sure your friend experienced this) Every pound you lose is a reminder to them that they are still fat... and your "friend" that had WLS will see all your losses a her failures. I know she is your best friend, but i would think long and hard about her being a part of your support system. If you are waiting for her to give you the At-a-girls... your setting your self up for disappointment. Im not saying dump your friend, just to be aware of the people you surround yourself with. It's important that they are positive and uplifting...

A year before i had my LB surg. my sister in law went down to Mexico and had it done. She did well at first, but then started to gain it back. By then i had already had mine done and was well on my way to a new me. It seemed the more i lost, the more she gained. Every time i suggested to my brother that we get together, she gave him a reason not too. Well i finally asked my brother why? He said, she can't bare to be around you... WHAT? Why i asked, he said because i was a reminder of her failure... WOW... i never thought of that. So, a year or so later she revised to another band.... that was a failure too... two years ago she did the GB. That worked, she had great success and under went a lot of PS for the skin.... So now we can hang out again.... lol.

Good luck....

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

Sounds like a real best friend. I held onto my best friend (a former anorexic and dangerously thin) who said some of the same things, and most notably that diet and exercise has worked for her, so it works for me (certain LOL moments). I just turned it into motivation and self-definition. Today she's eating her words (that's about all she ever eats) because she can see that the only thing that's really different about me is my size. I am just as immature and borderline obnoxious as I was at 300+ lbs. However, if your friend ends up jeopardizing your efforts, it's time to start interviewing new candidates for the position.

[crazzeescrapper 125]

I'm sorry your friend reacted like she did. Was she aware you were in the process of getting the surgery? Or was this a total surprise to her?

I agree that she probably feels somewhat like a failure since she regained weight. I would suggest you have an honest talk with her to find out exactly why she reacted like she did. Is she is upset by her regain, or fearful that you will end up being smaller than her or maybe something else is going on in her life that you don't even know about? Perhaps you can suggest that you and her work together once you have the surgery. You could help get her back on the right path and she can share her tips with you that helped her originally lose the weight.

Good luck.

[Xena7158 26]

Do you know for sure that she's upset about gaining weight back? I only ask because if that is for sure the case, then maybe she'd be into 'starting fresh' with you once you have your surgery - like the two of you can go through the pre-op/post-op diet steps together - you for the first time, and her as a 'reset'. Might be a good way to address a few of the issues your friend is going through

I've read of a number of folks doing just that after gaining some weight back a year or two out - sort of a reset - to get back on track. It might be great for the both of you to have such a support!

Just an idea.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

Hard to call her your best friend when something this important in your life is happening to you....I bet she needs to lose weight as well....step back I guess.