I'm 32 years old and was sleeved a couple years ago. It's completely changed my life for the better.

My husband is two years younger than me. When we met three years ago I was 250lbs and he weighed about 285lbs.

Now I weigh 145lbs and he's about 340 - 350ish. He has severe obstructive sleep apnea, has trouble walking up and down stairs, gets winded when sitting still, complains of joint pain, sweats profusely with minimal activity, has trouble breathing, and we almost never have sex anymore because its difficult since his stomach is very large and gets in the way no matter what position we try.

Earlier this week he went to bend down and grab something and his pants ripped leaving a huge gaping hole that can't be repaired.

When he eats, he moans after each bite and opens his mouth as wide as he can pushing in as much food as possible. I get worried when he drives because his stomach is almost touching the wheel which doesn't seem safe. :-(

Over the last few months he has broken a kitchen chair, one of the seats in my mom's car, my cousins bed and last night while we were talking in bed one of tue wooden slats on his side broke.

Our bed is practically brand new (we bought it in January along with the mattress), king size and not cheap. Because of his weight, my dad reinforced our bed when they put it together by adding 7 extra wooden slats (the bed came with 3) underneath.

My husband said it wasn't him, the wood was just weak. Later he tried to get into bed again and there was another loud crack and another slat broke. So he ended up sleeping on the couch and said he's going to order some steel bed slats from the Internet and then it'll be fine.

Despite all these things, he continues to refuse to have surgery. He says he can do it with weight watchers. He goes to meetings and loses .4 lbs, then gains 2lbs, then loses .8 lbs, then maybe another .2 lbs, then gains another 1.5 lbs and so on. It's not much progress and honestly I don't believe he can do it on his own because he doesn't track his points or exercise.

I talked to his parents about my concerns during Christmas. He got upset when they confronted him about it, then he stopped eating red meat for awhile and now he's right back at it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him but I'm so disgusted with how he's living his life. I try to be loving and supportive but I don't want my husband to die or get diabetes/have a heart attack/stroke etc. I've told him that and still he refuses the surgery.

I've cried, yelled, kept quiet, begged, demanded and so forth. I've talked about how my health and life have improved. I reminded him diabetes runs on both the matermal and paternal side of his family. His dad's diabetes have even led to kidney failure.

Nothing works. He just keeps saying he's making changes and is going to lose 200 lbs in three years.

Has anyone been through this or have advice?

Let him read your post.

Let him read your post.

I'm going to be honest here. You might consider whether or not the relationship is working for you anymore. It's very common for relationships to dissolve post-bariatric surgery, and for a variety of reasons. You are going one direction in life and he is standing still, or should I say, rapidly declining.

Let him know that your needs are no longer being met and that you are wanting couple's counseling. If he absolutely refuses, even though you've explained that you are not satisfied, then start making plans to leave him. You have already given him the opportunity of joining you on your journey and he has so far declined. You should have to be forced to put up with a sexless, unhappy marriage with constantly being worried about his health and how to replace furniture.

Trust me. It will only get worse.

Edited March 25, 201610 yr by Proud2BMe

I really don't understand everyone who says consider if the relationship is working for you - um hello - they are MARRIED. for better or worse, in sickness and health? yes. this is WORSE, and yes this is sickness but a promise is a promise.

to the OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. I spent years while he sorted things out to learn how to find a place to be productive in society. it took us a LONG time to learn how to be married without stepping all over each other. it was worth all the junk we went through and all the trouble it took. I had to learn how to support him - and how to help him - without ENABLING unhelpful behaviors, but at the end of the day that was all I could be responsible for. I am really glad I stuck with it - it was hard some times.

So, I would encourage you to get support and help. Your life changes have changed the balances in your relationship and you will need help to sort out how you can help and support him without enabling him. I hope you two can find a way to be intimate until he is healthy enough to resume normal activities.

I really don't understand everyone who says consider if the relationship is working for you - um hello - they are MARRIED. for better or worse, in sickness and health? yes. this is WORSE, and yes this is sickness but a promise is a promise.

He made a promise too, though. If he's not holding up his end, then she shouldn't have to hold up hers. That being said, I would definitely consider separation or divorce as a last resort. For now, getting counseling and trying to fix what's broken is the best course of action.

I really don't understand everyone who says consider if the relationship is working for you - um hello - they are MARRIED. for better or worse, in sickness and health? yes. this is WORSE, and yes this is sickness but a promise is a promise.

to the OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. I spent years while he sorted things out to learn how to find a place to be productive in society. it took us a LONG time to learn how to be married without stepping all over each other. it was worth all the junk we went through and all the trouble it took. I had to learn how to support him - and how to help him - without ENABLING unhelpful behaviors, but at the end of the day that was all I could be responsible for. I am really glad I stuck with it - it was hard some times.

So, I would encourage you to get support and help. Your life changes have changed the balances in your relationship and you will need help to sort out how you can help and support him without enabling him. I hope you two can find a way to be intimate until he is healthy enough to resume normal activities.

I agree. That's like saying he should leave her because she had the surgery. She was one way when they met and decided on a change what if he preferred her the way she was? Then people would have all kind of stuff to say about that. Maybe my interpretation of marriage is different. I sure wouldn't want anyone telling my husband to leave me for having surgery. Why tell someone to leave because they won't have it? For better or for worse when I gained my husband didn't leave me.. I thank God for that. I don't think he should continue on the road he's on, but that's what for better or worse means.. Help him the best way you can. Don't give up a marriage because he's not making the decision you want him to make.

If you didn't have the surgery what would be your outlook? Don't forget that you have been where he is. I too have quietly been critical of obese people and realize how I must have been disgusting to others. I am so glad that you have been successful; his time will come, love him or go your own way.

He made a promise too, though. If he's not holding up his end, then she shouldn't have to hold up hers. That being said, I would definitely consider separation or divorce as a last resort. For now, getting counseling and trying to fix what's broken is the best course of action.

I am very thankful that my husband didn't give up on me. We've been married almost 20 years, and I have been obese for all of it. Every time I tried to do better he was patient with me and encouraging. Willing to spend money on whatever equipment I wanted to try (treadmill - pilates machine - we even have a puppy dog because I thought it would encourage me to walk and be more active) and watched me eating myself to death a lot of the time when the weight was going back on. He was supportive then, and supportive now. I think all of us have to take a moment and remember we were the obese spouse, and how would we want to be treated?

Edited March 25, 201610 yr by Christinamo7

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

I was thinking the same thing. I'm 450 pounds and have not broken any furniture. I also didn't have any of the health problems she mentioned however I'm not sure what age they are.

@@sgc she said he is younger than her and she is 32, so I am guessing he is 30.

@@sgc she said he is younger than her and she is 32, so I am guessing he is 30.

I got her posts mixed up with someone else. I saw that and read another post about being married for 20 years so I was think they married when he was 30 and he's now about 50. I'm 31 so I'm about the same age he is. I do have sleep apnea but I don't sweat or get out of breath that easily.

I wondered about the 'breaking furniture' thing too...

I was 255kg (560lbs) and don't recall breaking furniture..

I'm sure the furniture wasn't pleased to make my acquaintance, but I don't think it caved under the pressure...

Anyway...

Whatever path the OP opts for, just know that ultimately, you need to make sure that YOU are ok...

He made a promise too, though. If he's not holding up his end, then she shouldn't have to hold up hers. That being said, I would definitely consider separation or divorce as a last resort. For now, getting counseling and trying to fix what's broken is the best course of action.

I am very thankful that my husband didn't give up on me. We've been married almost 20 years, and I have been obese for all of it. Every time I tried to do better he was patient with me and encouraging. Willing to spend money on whatever equipment I wanted to try (treadmill - pilates machine - we even have a puppy dog because I thought it would encourage me to walk and be more active) and watched me eating myself to death a lot of the time when the weight was going back on. He was supportive then, and supportive now. I think all of us have to take a moment and remember we were the obese spouse, and how would we want to be treated?

My situation was exactly the same as yours except for the 20 years. My husband and I were only together 7 or 8 years before my surgery. I am grateful every day that he continued to love and support me through all the ups and downs with my weight over the years. He loved me at my heaviest and now he's loving me at my thinnest and everything in between. But had he left, I wouldn't have held it against him or blamed him. Certainly if my weight was causing him the distress the OP is expeiencing, I actually would have felt bad asking him to stay. His happiness is just as important as my own. I would not have wanted or expected him to suffer and be miserable.

@@Comfy_Blue,

Sorry about this situation. Congratulations on your own weight loss and commitment to health.

I agree with the others who say your husband has to want it. You can’t want it for him, and forcing him to agree to surgery in a weak moment can be a big mistake.

I also agree that maybe you should focus on problems other than the actual weight: that he can’t do things with you, that he has terrible and worsening health problems, and that it’s getting in the way of your relationship. Maybe marriage counseling would help.

Another possibility would be if he’s scared to try seriously because maybe he feels “behind” you since you’ve lost so much weight. Maybe he feels afraid of failing, or maybe he’s afraid he’ll never “catch up” to you or be as good as you. Let him know that you’ll support him however he wants, and ask him what he needs from you.

Good luck.

Don't show him your post, that would be a really heartless thing to do.

I think this thread has some of the worst advice in it since that thread with the ice cream Protein shake.

Are you sure he is 350? I was 350 for years and I wasn't destroying furniture. And I never had issues breathing and I didn't get easily winded. And I am older than both of you. Are you sure about his weight?

Right?! I thought I was in Bizarro World! A bunch of obese/formerly obese people judging someone for being obese and not being ready to do something about it?

He will do it when he's darn good and ready and no sooner. No amount of begging, pleading, criticising,or cajoling will make him have the surgery.

My husband had a bypass 10 years ago and guess what? It was his idea and he was ready to do it. 8 years later I decided to have the sleeve. My idea and I was finally ready to do it. We supported each other before our surgeries and then after.

If his being obese repulses you so, then maybe it is time to move on. But my goodness try to put yourself in his shoes and remember you were in the same position not long ago.