Losing trust in my husband

[jembell01 129]

So, at the beginning of my pre-op journey, I decided that I was not going to tell anyone that I had surgery until AFTER I had the surgery done and I was okay. The only people that knew about the surgery was my husband and my children. My parents are in their late 60's and I did not want to worry them until I was fully approved for surgery, had it, and then was home and recovered. My husband was VERY aware that I was not going to tell anyone until after the actual surgery.

He disclosed my surgery to his Mother first. (I found out through her slipping and mentioning something during a call) I was so upset with him. His family is very thin and never has issues with weight, so I feel "judged" in a sense. I asked him why he did that and he apologized and said he would not say anything else.

Fast forward 2 months, my husband went to my parents for the weekend to work on a truck he is reconditioning with my Dad and while drinking, he told MY Dad that I was having surgery. My Dad is not in the greatest of health and has a pacemaker, so I definitely did not want any undue stress on him.

I am so angry with my husband and he doesn't understand why. I told him I couldn't trust him with anything. To tell or not is MY decision and he has broken my trust in him. I don't want to share anything with him now. It is starting off this journey for me in a bad way. My husband is supposed to be the one taking care of me after surgery, but now I don't even want him doing that. I don't feel I can trust him with anything.

I just mainly needed to vent because he clearly doesn't get it.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I told my three best friends about my surgery and over two years post op, to my knowledge none of them have told a soul. It is 100% unacceptable for your husband to discuss something you made very clear he was to keep to himself. I would explain to him that in the future you will no longer be sharing with him things that you wish for him to keep in his confidence. If he would like to change that, he can certainly begin to earn your trust back and you will reconsider your decision to keep your private concerns to yourself at a future time.

While you can't exactly cut off a husband, if any of my three friends had told my secret, I would have never spoken to them again. You either trust someone or you don't, and clearly your husband needs a lesson on what happens when he cannot respect your privacy.

[Healthy_life2 8,319]

@@jembell01

Vent away. We all have these kind of day's

People that can keep a secret and be in your circle of trust are rare to find. It sucks that your husband felt the need to tell everyone before you could. My husband told family members and it sent me into tears..... I forgave him, we have moved on.

Even if you choose to not disclose your surgery. Its hard to hide the rapid weight loss. People talk... they will speculate..they will judge. ( says more about them than it does about you) Keep your supportive people around you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

When I was banded in 2001 only two people knew. My (now ex) life partner- he never betrayed my trust. And my sister who was like a twin and very bonded/close. I came across her/accidentally talking about it to a group of like 8 people in a very disparaging way. Broke my heart.

My lesson is that telling anyone exposes you to telling people you didn't necessarily want to tell.

By the time I was sleeved...I just didn't care anymore and didn't try to keep it private.

Sorry this happened but I am guessing he feels stress and wants to share with people. Notice he quite literally picked parental figures to share with?

[melyssafaye 181]

I totally get where you're coming from, and I'm on your side. But, I think it helps to remember that your surgery might be worrying him. I know we are the ones going through it, but they are along for the ride as well. I didn't really understand until recently how deeply worried my guy was. He is afraid that I'll die or have complications. He never said anything because he wanted to be 100% supportive.

Perhaps your husband is worried and can't help but talk about it. Sometimes men aren't good at addressing their feelings head on. Unless he was deliberately trying to undermine you, it might be more productive to find a way to forgive and reassure him.

I know, it's a crazy thing to suggest when you feel betrayed, but there are times when empathy works better than resentment.

[smcbee79 40]

We need to remember it is us going through the surgery but our spouses are going through something completely separate from us. It is kjnd of not fair to expect him not to talk to any body about his fears or concerns. As you say he doesn't understand you, you probably wouldn't understand his thoughts or worries. Try cutting him some slack.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

I agree with jenn1 that people who judge you are not telling you what kind of person you are. They are telling you what kind of person they are.

Ben Franklin said in his Poor Richard's Almanac, "To whom thy secrets thou doest tell, to him thy freedom thou doest sell.

[dhrguru 1,238]

So, at the beginning of my pre-op journey, I decided that I was not going to tell anyone that I had surgery until AFTER I had the surgery done and I was okay. The only people that knew about the surgery was my husband and my children. My parents are in their late 60's and I did not want to worry them until I was fully approved for surgery, had it, and then was home and recovered. My husband was VERY aware that I was not going to tell anyone until after the actual surgery.

He disclosed my surgery to his Mother first. (I found out through her slipping and mentioning something during a call) I was so upset with him. His family is very thin and never has issues with weight, so I feel "judged" in a sense. I asked him why he did that and he apologized and said he would not say anything else.

Fast forward 2 months, my husband went to my parents for the weekend to work on a truck he is reconditioning with my Dad and while drinking, he told MY Dad that I was having surgery. My Dad is not in the greatest of health and has a pacemaker, so I definitely did not want any undue stress on him.

I am so angry with my husband and he doesn't understand why. I told him I couldn't trust him with anything. To tell or not is MY decision and he has broken my trust in him. I don't want to share anything with him now. It is starting off this journey for me in a bad way. My husband is supposed to be the one taking care of me after surgery, but now I don't even want him doing that. I don't feel I can trust him with anything.

I just mainly needed to vent because he clearly doesn't get it.

I'm sorry he didn't keep it to himself. My husband did similar, told his parents and his pastor at his church. When I asked him about it, he raised a point I couldn't argue. He said "what if you died during this surgery, what would I say to people?" And when I thought I about it I realized I would have left him in an awkward position to explain, (and possibly defend) my decision during his grief to the same people he would need to support him.

I still would have rathered to own who knew and tell who I chose myself, but he had a point.

[Lexigurl82 160]

I am sorry this happened to you. How does your husband feel about the surgery? Does he want you to have it? Is he supportive? I ask because it kind of sounds like he doesn't want you to have the surgery and telling his parents and yours might have been a poor cry out for help. Sit him down and explain to him that what he did to you really hurt your feelings. Hopefully he will see where he went wrong and the both of you can move on.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Intentions aren't always bad.

[jembell01 129]

I am so glad I posted this. I never thought about it from his perspective. He is so supportive of the surgery, I never considered that he might have just needed to tell someone to get it off his chest. I mean, he did tell his Mom and my Dad, which are the closest people to him besides me.

I really appreciate the feedback. I owe my husband an apology for being so hard on him.

[Amy Wolfe 49]

I tell EVERYONE oh please talk sht! Doesnt bother me one bit. This is my life.

[Coffeeguy 16]

It sounds like everything is resolved, but just to reiterate...

Us guys deal with stress and worry a lot differently than you girls. We tend to bottle stuff up and push it down inside, letting it manifest through drinking, building awesome stuff, and feats of strength.

When we absolutely can't cope with stuff alone, we usually go to the people a ) we trust the most, and b ) who we don't worry about looking vulnerable in front of. I'm sure you fall into category (a) for him, but in our traditional role as husbands, we really don't want to let on that we have...feelings...and fears...and that we worry.

You have every right to be pissed, and he knows that, too. But I'll give you dollars to donuts that his intent wasn't to disappoint you.

Best wishes and good vibes for your surgery.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Coffeeguy

[RyansGirl89 67]

I am so glad I posted this. I never thought about it from his perspective. He is so supportive of the surgery, I never considered that he might have just needed to tell someone to get it off his chest. I mean, he did tell his Mom and my Dad, which are the closest people to him besides me.

I really appreciate the feedback. I owe my husband an apology for being so hard on him.

I'm so glad you gave him a break, I know my man was scared to death about my surgery and I only found that out once I woke up. My mom told me he was really upset and worried while they were in the waiting room