I have lost over 100lbs and now questioning my marriage due to her weight and her not trying to go down the same path.

Edited November 23, 201510 yr by dave78tx

Just a quick comment to the OP -- good luck to you. This can be a toughie.

There are no absolute rules here that apply to all situations.

I also agree with @@coggietm -- we cannot change others. Only they can change themselves.

I will, however, say this: Everyone's actions (and their inactions) have consequences.

You cannot be responsible for anyone else's health. As an grown woman she knows her choices are destructive. Some people do that as a self defense or lack of self worth. Now she is afraid that you will start to explore your new life of health and looking better. You have to do what is the best thing for you now, having weight loss surgery is not a picnic, it's not the easy way out as some like to say, I had to explain to my husband how I needed his support and even though I did that he had a difficult time not trying to feed me. He was a life long feeder. He however was not overweight. We went through many discussions and he finally realized what he was doing. He became my biggest supporter . He experienced his own health issues in the past few years and I lost him in October. We were married 39 years and I sometimes wish he was here trying to feed me.. lol , not really but if you love each other enough you can overcome this. You however have to keep on your program, focus on your health and pray that she will decide to do the same. Explain to her that you love her and would like for her to live with you until old age but want her to be healthy and happy.

This is a hard topic. Harder than some people think. I always swore i would never judge obese people. But i cannot help it. myself and my wife have discussed this a lot. She is a little overweight, but she tries and that's all i ever want she is 5'5" and 177 in the eyes of doctors she is overweight to me, im just fine. But very obese people now scare me in that I, see them and think, "please please, get help. its out there, you can do this, dont wait till its too late." but i never say a word of course, at least not to them openly. Ive had a few people i know of , become interested in the surgery because of my blog or my appearance etc. and i think that's all we can do. We can lead a horse to Water and all that, maybe more apt, is we can show people what its like, but we cant make them healthy. A relationship with one person struggling to be healthy is so much harder when they are with someone who is obese and not trying.

I feel for you.

To the OP, I just want to say I'm sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. I hope you get the peace of mind you are seeking related to your post.

As a side note, @@Sharpie congrats on being only 2 lbs away from goal per your ticker!!

BTW, this also works in reverse. I am very attracted to my significant other because she takes such good care of herself. She is the first woman I have dated that is in better shape than I am and it challenges me to up my game to keep up. We would have never met before WLS (she would not have been attracted and frankly I think I would have been too intimidated).

You need to be completely honest with yourself and reflect on if her weight is the only reason you are "falling out of love" with her.

It is an easy escape in your current situation to blame her lack of motivation to get healthy on the reason you are having issues staying attracted and in love with her. Several months ago you may have felt due to your weight, you didn't want to leave her even though your may have not been still in love with her.

Now that you have more confidence, feel better about your future and feel capable of attracting other partners, the need to stay with her isn't as strong.

Being honest is the only way to come out the situation with dignity. The truth hurts, which is why so many people would rather lie. But no matter how horrible the truth, a lie is always worse. She deserves the truth and you need to be man enough to be honest.

Hi I have been married over 25 years, unless your marriage can not be saved through counseling or unless it is physical or mentally abuse, I would not give up . Just remember you made the choice to be healthy she has to want it too . Tell her how important she is to you and you envision a life with her until death do you part and want her to be healthy . Maybe you both can start out with talking walks together , preparing healthy meals together while attending marriage counseling good luck .

daveintx,

First, congratulations on your weight loss. That is a huge, huge accomplishment and it shows your commitment!

My first question is whether you have mentioned your thoughts to your wife. Is it possible she is for some reason thinking about this as “your journey” instead of “our new life?” Have you invited her explicitly to join you in a healthy lifestyle – in a non-threatening way that tells her you love her, and not in a way that says you’re now better than she is? In a way that lets her know you’ll support her and be patient as she starts to act a little healthier?

And – maybe a lot harder – have you let her know that it’s not really optional for her to help you get healthy, and in the process, get herself healthy? That you NEED her to help you because you just can’t be around someone who isn’t helpful?

Good luck. It’s a really hard thing when one of the two in the couple wants to get healthy, and the other doesn’t.

Ditto Miiasan. In time she may consider it. I know for me personally if I felt someone was changing and questioning our marriage. My spouse would not have to question our marriage. I would most likely leave because with weight on or off my self esteem was never low. I know this may sound mean but it doesn't appear that her weight was a issue until you lost weight. That would make one wonder did you ever love her. Be careful how you treat others.

I have been married so many decade I cannot remember a time when I was not married. I think of myself as a five year old -- and there she is! Some of the decades were tough, but the last couple have been wonderful, in our older years. I am now a much smaller guy -- have lost the equivalent of her weight, but for all those years she gave me unconditional acceptance. Sure, once in a while she would get really worried about my health, but her concern never had any strings. In return, I give her unconditional acceptance. She has a physical disability that means I handle 95% of the daily tasks of life, which she often feels guilty about but I give her the gift of acceptance.

Works for us.

This is so hard. I have to tell you sometimes when you are fat you don't know how fat you are. Denial, I had it!

Without knowing her....maybe...she's depressed. You should know, as well as most of us, that when you reach that certain wt, you don't want to do anything. You just eat your comfort foods that are easy. You don't move. Don't exercise. And, if someone points out that you aren't or are doing these things, it makes it worse and you do it all even more. My spouse has never uttered a word to me about my weight, even when I'm sure I was an embarrassment to him. I was one to myself, surely I was to him.

If she's seeing you losing weight, it's making it worse on her. You can talk til you're blue in the face. If she's depressed with self hate, it's just going to make it all worse. Not sure what the answer is, except for her to know that you love her and will love her no matter what. If she feels threatened by you changing and leaving her, then what's there for her to change? She will just give up completely. Talk to her and show her as much love as you can. Tell her you want her along on this journey with you, just like she's been with you in everything else.

I am divorced from a miserable woman. She has deep seeded emotional issues from an alcoholic father who drank himself to death to get away from her and her mother. (what a pair).

I'll share a nugget my therapist told me, I live by these words.

"Is it better to take one big hurt now and get it over with, or suffer thousands of little ones before the end?"

Just something to ponder. And I feel for you. I suffered the thousands of little hurts before I attempted to end my life to get away from her. In fact had I not known military first aid I would have bled out. "Until death do us apart" meant a great deal to me back then. Now I am more zen about life. Best of luck in working this out.

Daveintx, what ever your trigger was, you tripped it, had the surgery, and are now travelling a new road. Make sure you keep this about yourself and your journey. I would give her time to see if she trips her trigger. My wife had lap band after I had my GBP. She gained most of her weight back. It's disappointing to me, but...I keep in mind that it is doubly defeating to her, having gained the weight back. She didn't give up on me when I was 305 pounds, even after we had spent 20 physically fit years in the Marine Corps, so I would not give up on her now. I think she'll come around, and I think your wife will too. Just set a good example. You can do this.

I was married once before and we were both very overweight. I remember many times I wanted to do better for myself and wanted him to be along the trail with me, but he had no desire to do so. I know that feeling. It is tough.

Bringing up a touchy subject is hard. The best thing is to be honest, make it a safe environment for the discussion (no judging, accusing, yelling, shaming, etc.), and let her talk. If she's not ready, then make your statements, ask your questions, and ask to set up a time for follow up. It may seem like a business transaction, but the follow up is important.

I truly wish you the best.

Here are a few things I learned from my previous marriage that have been tweaked to this situation:

*You most certainly can not change her; she has to want to make changes just as you did and made the decision to have surgery.

*Before you talk with her or bring up the subject, do some searching within yourself first. Why is it that you want her to lose the weight? Be specific. Write things down. Are there things you'd like to do together, but she is unable? Are you concerned for her health and want her to be with you for longer? What is the real issue? Her weight? The way she eats? Does it bother you that, perhaps, she eats differently than you do and you would like to eat that way again?

*Remember why you married her in the first place. You stated you made a mutual agreement before surgery. What was that agreement? Go back to that and ask her what is bothering her. There may be something holding her back (ie: fear, resentment, something about your journey that bothered her).