(This isn't a rant or a rave, but I'm placing this thread here because I can't find a more appropriate place for it.)

On a different thread, another member posted: <snip> "I see a lot of larger women really working hard to get people to like them, to be funny, to be witty, to be sophisticated and friendly and essentially massively over compensating."

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/354082-how-are-you-treated-by-people-pre-surgery-versus-post-surgery/?p=3988539

I responded that I also saw many examples of that and that "... 'growing up fat' required I develop significant compensating behaviors and skills to overcome the downside of being fat."

So here are a couple of questions for you:

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

I consider myself a funny person. I'm not sure if it's because I'm overcompensating for being fat - but it could be. Though I'm sure I'll be funny in half my body.

I think this is a good question.

I think I reverse compensated during times I was fat, if that makes sense. I was chubby as a kid, thin when I graduated high school and through most of college, and then during my 20's I yo-yo'd from being thin to fat. When I am fat, I am far more withdrawn. I felt like no matter what I did, nothing mattered because I was fat. I wore black or dark clothes, I refused to be seen in public which resulted in missing my grandmother's funeral and not seeing my family for several years, and my logic was that if I have free time it needs to be at the gym, not engaging in any socialization since ultimately I was just wasting valuable time. I was aloof, difficult to get to know, and not terribly friendly, because I was certain that I was a burden on anyone who had to be seen with me and this prevented me from getting my feelings hurt.

Now that I am thin, I have the same attitude. I am not outgoing, I am polite, cool, and distant, which amusingly enough tends to be something that works out well for me. I like people who don't want to be my friend and I find it annoying when people are like little eager chipmunks trying to make new friends. I compensate, by undercompensating, if that makes sense.

I was a b*tch when I was fat and I'm a b*tch now that I'm thin...the difference is that then it was because I didn't think I was worth much and didn't want to be rejected and now I think I am fabulous and do not give two craps if people don't like me.

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

Now that I am 2 months post op I have actually asked these questions frequently. I feel like I have changed who I am. This isn't a bad thing but I feel like I am actually more reserved now. I don't have to be the first one to raise my hand and answer everyone's questions. I don't have to be the problem solver of the group anymore either. Some of my in-your-face loud and peppy personality has really changed. I don't know if I was like that because I was fat or what it was but I notice a difference. I don't feel like I have to go above and beyond to be noticed anymore.

(This isn't a rant or a rave, but I'm placing this thread here because I can't find a more appropriate place for it.)

On a different thread, another member posted: <snip> "I see a lot of larger women really working hard to get people to like them, to be funny, to be witty, to be sophisticated and friendly and essentially massively over compensating."

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/354082-how-are-you-treated-by-people-pre-surgery-versus-post-surgery/?p=3988539

I responded that I also saw many examples of that and that "... 'growing up fat' required I develop significant compensating behaviors and skills to overcome the downside of being fat."

So here are a couple of questions for you:

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

My answers below:

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat? Was totally the funny fat girl. I made fun of myself and used the word 'fat' so that I knew I had said it first. I was loud and probably obnoxious at times. I still am funny and outgoing..and a bit outrageous at times, but have been able to tone alot of it down now. No need to deflect the painful words or the fact that I hated what I looked like the way I used to.

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin? See above.

I have been thinking about this since I read the other thread. I not exactly excited to be thin. I like to shop so I am excited about clothes shopping, but I have not been a miserable fat person. Being fat is part of my persona and I will be losing it. I'm comfortable with how people treat me. I am overall treated very well by people, the people that treat me bad will still treat me the same when I am thin, because their actions towards me aren't due to my weight but other factors.

I never viewed being overweight as a handicap. I thought of it the same as hair or eye color, it is just a difference. I have other issues as a minority that are more important than being fat, it is pretty low on my list of concerns.

I don't think I have compensated and I don't see myself changing much. I will probably be more daring in fashion choices, but I have never been subtle in that department either. I might do crazy colors with my hair instead of just red or blond. I'm just me and I have been this person a long time I don't really see changing much.

Edited October 26, 201510 yr by OutsideMatchInside

@@OutsideMatchInside I have felt pretty much the same way as you regarding my own fatness. I have had a pretty great life overall and certainly in the last 5-6 years I never let being fat stop me from fully living. I went on vacations, I wore bathing suits in public, I exercised at the gym and even went to yoga classes. I went after promotions at work. I felt that I was interested in those things and wanted to try them. I felt worthy of them. I think I will continue to have that zest for life even if I am much smaller.

The one thing I am realizing that I might have done that falls into "overcompensation" is that I have always been the friend that listens and puts everyone else's stories/experiences and needs above my own. I have always put myself in the background, insisting that I didn't have much going on in my life even though that was not the case. I do think that in the future I might insist on taking up a bit more room, so to speak in people's lives even though I will literally be smaller.

I compensated by focusing on my intellect and I have to admit... eventually became somewhat "a-sexual" meaning - I de-emphaszed my feminity and focused on my role as bread winner, loyal sister,daughter etc. I was always polite and well liked, but not well loved. I successfully created a shield and when I lost weight, my whole energy toward others changed. It was overwhelming and tough to cope with at first....

People seem to think I am alot funnier now though.

I am much more open/willing to be vulnerable. Like me or don't - I am what I am sort of attitude.

My struggle as I am in middle age is deeply exploring the rest of me. I am more than a smart person. I am more than my looks, my body. I have come to find that MANY non obese people are going through a similar journey if they are willing to be self reflective.

I think other people might think the way I dress, hair and makeup would be over compensating, but these are things I was taught from thin women when I was growing up, it is just part of being a lady, I never went all out because I was fat. It stands out because most larger women don't so it seems to draw more attention.

I'm really thinking about this a lot while I work today and trying to judge if I am really being honest with myself. I'm pretty self aware, but I am still going to think about it. I think attitude and mental readiness is a big part of this WLS process.

@@OutsideMatchInside I have felt pretty much the same way as you regarding my own fatness. I have had a pretty great life overall and certainly in the last 5-6 years I never let being fat stop me from fully living. I went on vacations, I wore bathing suits in public, I exercised at the gym and even went to yoga classes. I went after promotions at work. I felt that I was interested in those things and wanted to try them. I felt worthy of them. I think I will continue to have that zest for life even if I am much smaller.

Yup-- this is how I feel. Can't complain about my 'fat' life. Never compensated for it, never made excuses for it, never let it hold me back from anything.

The best skill I developed being fat was secluding people who made me feel like I was nothing but fat. If thats all they could see in/about me I set them on the shelf, I didn't need the baggage in my life. (My mother comes to mind for this example...)

Nope don't think I'll change. Its funny how other perceive you though. I always wear make-up-- but people tend to notice it more lately, like I'm doing something new. And of course they connect it to the weight loss...just shows how little attention was being paid to me before.

These are some pretty good questions I have been asking myself lately. The truth is that I don't and never have compensated for being me at any size.

I am confidant in who I am and in what I am doing pretty much all the time. When I don't know something or how to do something I ask and I learn and I do and if I don't like it I don't do it anymore.

As far as being thin...I almost feel like I have an aversion to being thin the way people have an aversion to being fat!

I know that sounds strange right...who wouldn't want to be thin?! Me that's who. I like me, scratch that I love me! I love my face, my curves, and my body. Even when it's acting up....as it often is with some kind of inflammatory response or another. That is the only part for health reasons I would change.

When I lose weight, I almost feel cranky about it. I don't like the feeling of floating in clothing and I hate to shop. I'm short and big busted so nothing ever fits right off the rack unless it's some kind of stretchy something and even then the pants drag and the sleeves never fit right. I would need to tailor everything and honestly who has that kind of time or money? I can think of many gem stones I would rather buy than that silk top or suit that needs to be tailored and dry cleaned and I would never wear because it's just too much freaking work! Yoga pants anyone?

I have been the entire spectrum of sizes throughout my life. From super skinny in a size 0 to super obese in a size 30. I'm finding right around the 14-18 mark is where I like it. The tops fit my bust size and my arm size without needing to be taken in, I can find a size medium/large pants or size 14-16 jeans and they fit just right. When I think about it I ask you ladies, have you ever tried finding a size 5 top that fits a size 38 DD chest and doesn't look like your on a job interview at Hooters? I have...so maybe that's why I like the comfy non tailored clothes....I don't know. I'll ask you again Yoga pants anyone?

I have been analyzing this about myself lately as I stagnate in my journey a bit not losing, not gaining, just being. Wondering...why isn't it OK to live a big fat fabulous life if your living healthy and happy.....?

I never went out of my way to be the "witty funny fat gal" I was an active fat. Basically just living my life. I had/have good friends and enjoy the same things my thinner friends like. I always loved fashion, makeup and clothes and that hasn't changed. However to answer the questions:

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

When walking long distances became an issue I was very creative with developing ways to work around that. I was an expert at finding seats to take a rest and I always had cab fare handy.

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

As I have lost weight I can walk longer distances so I don't need to rely on my old tricks. I have increased my workouts since surgery I have greater stamina as well.

On a different thread, another member posted: <snip> "I see a lot of larger women really working hard to get people to like them, to be funny, to be witty, to be sophisticated and friendly and essentially massively over compensating."

So here are a couple of questions for you:

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

I'd be lying if I said the questions don't apply to me, but I'll have to return to respond. It's the quotation, "I see a lot of larger women...." that grabbed my attention immediately.

1) The stereotype of the jolly fat person is glued to men as well as women. I've always interpreted "jolly" in this context to mean life-of-the-party, which covers loud (or not), amiable and passive in the face of jokes about being fat. The other parts of the description (witty, sophisticated, friendly) are new to me in that regard. Does anyone think so, too?

2) More my point at the moment, isn't it sad that a woman can't be all those things, especially since the originator of the the quotation didn't attach negative adjectives, without being fat? Is it true. What about women who've always been a healthy weight who are funny, witty, sophisticated and friendly? I know them and they are exceptional people. Why must it be an act of fraud for a heavy woman to exhibit those traits?

Am I missing something?

I compensated by wearing layers and loose clothes. I'm still far from my goal but I hope that when I reach it I will be comfortable wearing more figure flattering things.

Generally being that heavy I compensated by giving up on life. I never wanted to do anything or go anywhere because I was so embarassed of how I looked.

I really hope that as I loose more weight I gain more self confidence

I am the hilarious fat girl at work that loves everyone.

Really I hate people deep down.

I'm like Wednesday Addams when I get home.

I really think that when I occupied more space ... I was louder... Perhaps more brash.

I do try to speak in a lower voice when appropriate now. I have a bit of hearing loss so I don't hear myself as well as I used to... So again , I have to try to remind myself.

Also. I stand up taller... Strangely I seem taller than most of my gal friends . I wear a modest heel ... Partly posture, workouts, not exactly sure why, but I like it.