(This isn't a rant or a rave, but I'm placing this thread here because I can't find a more appropriate place for it.)

On a different thread, another member posted: <snip> "I see a lot of larger women really working hard to get people to like them, to be funny, to be witty, to be sophisticated and friendly and essentially massively over compensating."

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/354082-how-are-you-treated-by-people-pre-surgery-versus-post-surgery/?p=3988539

I responded that I also saw many examples of that and that "... 'growing up fat' required I develop significant compensating behaviors and skills to overcome the downside of being fat."

So here are a couple of questions for you:

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

These are great questions. I am an introvert, and truly enjoy a lot of time on my own. However, I also know that I avoid new situations and experiences because I don't want to be judged. I, too, was the smart, fat girl - with glasses. I lived in my head and in my books. I'm hoping that as I lose weight I will find the courage to participate in and experience more of what life has to offer.

I compensated by withdrawing and being even more introverted than I would have liked. I rarely socialized and was constantly worried about being judged for being so fat.

Things that will change (or already are changing)? I will start wearing the clothes I want to wear - vintage, pin up girl stuff (used to shop exclusively in vintage clothing stores as a teen and through college). I now dye my hair crazy colors since I don't care what anyone says or if they are looking at me or not. I feel free to be myself again.

I don't think I will ever be skinny/thin. I will be completely happy to be chubby and a size 14 tho - since I think I look great that way, and I love my body at that size.

I wear dark colors A LOT! I have really long beautiful hair and I don't wear it down because it draws attention to myself and I don't want that. I don't go out and am not involved in any groups in church. I rarely go to the beach and if I do I DO NOT sit for fear of looking like a beached whale when trying to get up. I will say one thing I am really ready for, is being 100lbs down and seeing my ex and his new fat wife. Lol

To try and answer my own questions ...

1. What behaviors / skills did you develop to compensate for being fat?

First, I'm an extrovert, so there's that. And I'm the oldest sibling, so there's all that first-child stuff going on. By the time I hit high school I was trying to run everything you could get elected to run. And by then I was definitely the big girl with the big personality.

Did I develop the big personality as compensation for being overweight? I think, even with my natural bent in those directions, that I did to some extent. I think I learned very early on that if you have a disadvantage (and let's face it, young fat girls and fat teenage girls do have social disadvantages) it pays to lead with any other strengths you have. I was lucky that I had other strengths.

So I wound up being the hardest-working, most dependable, get 'er done, leap-into-the-breach employee, daughter, friend, and random stranger in an emergency I could possibly be. Someone needs to pull an all-nighter? Glad to do it. Someone needs to care for our mother with Alzheimers? Nobody can do it as well as I can.

The big upside to all this is that I learned to take big risks in life, most of which paid off in many ways in both my career and personal life. I've had adventures, even when I failed!

But the inevitable downside included decades of all-nighters. And moving 1,000 miles to another state to move Mother into our home and fund 24/7 caregivers because a nursing home couldn't possibly care for her the way I could. In other words, delegating to others (and trusting others) did not become one of my superpowers because I had learned to believe I was responsible for everything.

2. Do you think you'll change (and how) when you're thin?

Definitely! I've been normal-sized for about 6 months now and maintaining at 140 pounds at 5'5". My anxiety is noticeably lower. I feel less judgmental of others whose performance standards are lower / different from mine. I don't think it's coincidental that I'm sweating the small stuff a lot less. Yet I wouldn't have predicted some of the changes I've undergone.

Maybe it's just that I have more energy, am no longer in pain, no longer disappointed in myself, sleeping better. Perhaps these health improvements have resulted in my lower anxiety levels, feeling less irritable and not in "emergency mode" all the time.

This is an important topic for me, and I'm going to think about this some more.

I think for the first question I don't really compensate for being fat I like what I like. I'm a big geek. Like huge I run in geek circles and go to conventions with my friends and spouse. And all my friends are geeks. As for changes when I get thin the only thing I think will change will be my sex life. And I'm a kinkster so once I lose the weight I can enjoy my kinky side more