Loss of husband's support? :(

[Joz31 90]

I am a self pay patient scheduled for gastric sleeve on Thursday. My husband has been super supportive from the beginning, going to my appointments and everything…until tonight. We get into a disagreement about something stupid, and he says "well I don't have to approve of your surgery, you're getting what you want so you don't care about anything else!" I walked away because I'm not sure he would've continued to stay upright if I hadn't. ????

Anyway I'm wondering if his true feelings are coming out and he really isn't supportive but doesn't want to tell me? At any rate, it was extremely hurtful. I also feel like I sacrifice everything for my family. I can't tell you the last time I did or bought something for myself. I feel like investing in my health is the best purchase I can make for myself and our kids.

Just wondering if anyone else went through this, and if so how did you handle it? I'm extremely frustrated right now but I'm also trying to understand what he is going through since my surgery affects our whole family. Any feedback is much appreciated.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am not married, but if I had to guess, he may be experiencing some fear and anxiety as the date gets closer.

Best of luck with your surgery. You do deserve to be healthy.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

If he's been supportive UP TO THIS POINT, I can practically GUARANTEE that he is just nervous, worried, and scared. It just comes out differently in husbands! You are (more than likely, anyway) going to throw a lot of crap at him afterwards, and he is going to need to "gird up his loins" to handle it! Plus, there is always the risk of complications, so he is worried about that (just like you are), as well. Is this his first experience with your having surgery? I would almost bet that it is. Go to him, comfort him, and remember, you are not the only one going through this! He is, too. Bless you both....and good luck with your surgery...BTW, MY poor husband has been through 13 surgeries with me...he is a PRO!

[mrs kaje 347]

We get into a disagreement about something stupid, and he says "well I don't have to approve of your surgery, you're getting what you want so you don't care about anything else!"

It comes across to me in two ways.

Firstly, like he just used the surgery as a way to complain about another issue he has with you (considering I don't know what the whole conversation was), as he knows the surgery is super important to you so that angle will hurt you the most.

Or, it's his way of telling you that it's all you think/talk/care about and he's a bit over it.

I don't think either thing makes him suddenly unsupportive.

[p1Sz 52]

I had same thing happen with my wife. I agree with everyone else that it's likely about anxiety, etc. I would just talk it through to get back on track. Good luck.

[snickysnack78 131]

I have the opposite where I have a super supportive significant other, but get afraid of what just happened with you. I had to have foot surgery a few years ago and was laid up for 4 weeks. My boyfriend at the time ( ex husband now) was completely confident in telling me that after my surgery was going to help me and assured my mom, who lives out of town, that I would be taken care of otherwise I would have gone home with her. Well, long story short he slept all day and played video games all night and didn't help me. I wasn't supposed to be on my foot, but by day 2 I had to get up and around if I was going to feed myself. It was horrible.

My situation now is different but I still have that fear. We have talked about it and he has assured me this will be different. I am 6 lbs away from my gastric bypass surgery and cant wait to get everything started.

I would say breathe, let him cool off, and have a sit down talk with him to get deep down of why he feels that way. Like the posts prior, he is probably nervous and scared as well.

[samuelsmom 670]

Sounds like your husband just took a stupid pill. I wouldn't worry too much... Hopefully it will be out of his system by morning!

[Joz31 90]

"It comes across to me in two ways.

Firstly, like he just used the surgery as a way to complain about another issue he has with you (considering I don't know what the whole conversation was), as he knows the surgery is super important to you so that angle will hurt you the most. "

I think this is probably spot on @@mrs kaje. He has been there surgery before with me and wasn't like this so I'm thinking he's nervous because this is a self-pay surgery not one covered by insurance. Thank you all for your advice, I'm going to let him have some time and try to talk to him tomorrow. I know he's probably going through some difficult things as well and I want to try to be supportive too. I haven't really talked about it much at home because in a way, I still feel guilty for spending that much of our money on myself. Part of me wonders if deep down he would like to have this too but is too proud to ever admit he has a weight issue. He does lose weight very easily with dieting however he tends to yo-yo like the rest of us.

@@samuelsmom

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I needed that laugh!!

[Beni 1,484]

My husband who was very supportive through the decision process (I'm 6 months past) last week told me, well, your surgery was elective. I about screamed, probably should have because, HELL NO, it was not. I was dying, slowly mind you but I felt horrible before my surgery and you know what the really sad part was? I didn't even know how bad I was feeling until I lost 40 lbs and I started to feel like myself. The weight cames on slowly and we don't even notice the effect because we adapt but when it's gone OMG, you will feel like a NEW PERSON.

[TheProfessor 378]

I am self-pay as well. That $16K is not chump change, and took a bite out of my personal savings. I was always fearful that my marvellously supportive husband would use the WLS expense as a weapon against me if we ever had a fight about money. "Well it must be nice for you to go about spending thousands on getting skinny, when all I want is a new couch/to pay the mortgage/a new pair of shoes!"

Thankfully we've never had that fight and the Hubster has been marvellous the whole time. It's my own paranoia (and perhaps a wee bit of guilt) having invested that kind of money in myself that was feeding that fear).

My point: I could easily see how a fight or quarrel with your husband could potentially lead to the 'bubbling up' of some honest feelings of resentment about the financial cost.

My hope for you is that this resolves and he gets back to the warm fuzzy supportive person for you he has been up until this point!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Remember (no matter WHAT the media says), there is no price tag for life. Life is a gift, to be treasured and valued above any THING. How much are we willing to pay (doesn't mean we have the $), for a healthy life? Just a provoking thought.....

[Bonawanabfree 280]

Don't worry, He'll get over it. Just ignore his irrational behavior. He is just having a tantrum and sometimes we have to act like mothers and walk away from the screaming children so they can cool off and realize their own issues. I swear he will come around. We cant change others but we can change how we handle and cope with the actions of those around us. Good luck. Stay positive and clear headed. This is about your health.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

So 6 years ago when i started this process I weighed in at 230lbs. 5'2" and completely out of shape. Fortunately for me that was all i was... FAT. I had no other issues, thank God. But with the family history i have.. i was headed down the high blood pres., diabetes, heart des. path. At that time i had great insurance and it was covered. I did have some out of pocket expenses. A few co pays and some of the hospital.... total about 2k. (he throws that in my face all the time). I had WLS on the Tuesday and was back at work on the Monday... At that point i was laid off from my job of 10 years. But i started cleaning houses and was making good money. but i went back to "work" after 7ish months.

At first he was supportive... at least i thought he was. He had made little comments here and there about me losing the without the surgery. I brushed it off. I have had a few other surgeries since we have been married (1 c section, gallbladder, hysterectomy) and he was zero help. I don't know why i thought he would be for this "elected surgery". what was i thinking. I'm grateful that i have a high tolerance for pain and that i recover quickly. Anyway... Fast forward... the weight was slow to come off and he started with the little comments... I thought this was going to make you lose weight... Probably won't work for you.... Then weight loss started to show and the "attention" started, and he HATED!!! it..... He said things that were and still are very hurtful.... When i got to about 150ish... he ask How much more do you plan on losing? I said, i wanted to lose about 20lbs...Why? he said, because your starting to look like a bag of bones you look sick. He also said that i was prettier with a fat face because my wrinkles didn't show then. Are you going to wear that out, that shirt is kind of tight, don't you think... but that's what you want, all the men too look at you. so many others.... But the best one was a few weeks ago when he said that WLS was my HOBBY.... that i really didn't need it and that i could have lost the weight on my own if i really wanted too.

we have been married for over 24 years, i weighted about 100lbs when we met. He never showed this side ever. Even through the weight gain he never said anything..... Now i see why.... it's was his way of keeping my self esteem at zero, the more i gained the worse i felt, the more control he had..... but as the weight came off and the confidence started to go up, his control started coming down. This is when the insults accusations got worse..... where are you, what are you doing, who are you with... what man are you flirting with that you could answer my call/text.... I know this is his insecurities.... But it still hurts. We live alone, both the boys are out of the house... My oldest is from my first marriage. We both have decent jobs and money is not something we really worry about (he controls the finances). But we argue most everyday.... the last one was about FB... Of all things. He saw an old classmate "like" a post i made and he blew up... But then i saw on his where he was "poking" 4 different classmates of his (all female all single)... So anyway i deactivated my account and so did he. At the time he said that that would fix everything.... that was almost 2 months ago and we are still arguing. I have BEGGED BEGGED BEGGED him to go to counseling. His answer to me was... Get a part time job to help pay for it and i will go.

I know i rambled on and on.... but, don't sweep this under the rug... don't let it get out of hand... face it with him and try and get him to go with you to a counseling session. Have him say what his worries are.

Don't be like me.... miserable at 46 years old.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@bayougirlmrsc

Insecurity is so sad, and so hard for the one's who live with the results of it. If you have a church, maybe you or you and your husband could visit with your minister about this? Both have to want a marriage to succeed, and both have to work at it. You seem to be all alone in this, and I am sorry about that. I am praying for you both.

And here's YOUR mental hug for the day......hug.......

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

So 6 years ago when i started this process I weighed in at 230lbs. 5'2" and completely out of shape. Fortunately for me that was all i was... FAT. I had no other issues, thank God. But with the family history i have.. i was headed down the high blood pres., diabetes, heart des. path. At that time i had great insurance and it was covered. I did have some out of pocket expenses. A few co pays and some of the hospital.... total about 2k. (he throws that in my face all the time). I had WLS on the Tuesday and was back at work on the Monday... At that point i was laid off from my job of 10 years. But i started cleaning houses and was making good money. but i went back to "work" after 7ish months.

At first he was supportive... at least i thought he was. He had made little comments here and there about me losing the without the surgery. I brushed it off. I have had a few other surgeries since we have been married (1 c section, gallbladder, hysterectomy) and he was zero help. I don't know why i thought he would be for this "elected surgery". what was i thinking. I'm grateful that i have a high tolerance for pain and that i recover quickly. Anyway... Fast forward... the weight was slow to come off and he started with the little comments... I thought this was going to make you lose weight... Probably won't work for you.... Then weight loss started to show and the "attention" started, and he HATED!!! it..... He said things that were and still are very hurtful.... When i got to about 150ish... he ask How much more do you plan on losing? I said, i wanted to lose about 20lbs...Why? he said, because your starting to look like a bag of bones you look sick. He also said that i was prettier with a fat face because my wrinkles didn't show then. Are you going to wear that out, that shirt is kind of tight, don't you think... but that's what you want, all the men too look at you. so many others.... But the best one was a few weeks ago when he said that WLS was my HOBBY.... that i really didn't need it and that i could have lost the weight on my own if i really wanted too.

we have been married for over 24 years, i weighted about 100lbs when we met. He never showed this side ever. Even through the weight gain he never said anything..... Now i see why.... it's was his way of keeping my self esteem at zero, the more i gained the worse i felt, the more control he had..... but as the weight came off and the confidence started to go up, his control started coming down. This is when the insults accusations got worse..... where are you, what are you doing, who are you with... what man are you flirting with that you could answer my call/text.... I know this is his insecurities.... But it still hurts. We live alone, both the boys are out of the house... My oldest is from my first marriage. We both have decent jobs and money is not something we really worry about (he controls the finances). But we argue most everyday.... the last one was about FB... Of all things. He saw an old classmate "like" a post i made and he blew up... But then i saw on his where he was "poking" 4 different classmates of his (all female all single)... So anyway i deactivated my account and so did he. At the time he said that that would fix everything.... that was almost 2 months ago and we are still arguing. I have BEGGED BEGGED BEGGED him to go to counseling. His answer to me was... Get a part time job to help pay for it and i will go.

I know i rambled on and on.... but, don't sweep this under the rug... don't let it get out of hand... face it with him and try and get him to go with you to a counseling session. Have him say what his worries are.

Don't be like me.... miserable at 46 years old.

Hugs to you.

This is abuse. I left my narcissist 9 months ago and filed for divorce. I tried the marriage counseling route with him. He made a mockery of it and the therapist dropped us because he was so uncooperative and belligerent.

You're worth more than this. I wish you luck but it didn't get better for me, only worse. Leaving him was the smartest thing I've ever done.