So we've all heard it- "You need to change your relationship with food." But what does that mean? How do you do it? How do you know it's done? I see this advice all the time but never steps to take to make that change. I'm seeing a therapist ( I have bipolar disorder and have had several different addictions through my lifetime so I will ALWAYS have a therapist) and I'm working through my problems with her. But I want to know how everybody else did it.

How did you start? Did you have any slip-ups? When did you realize that you had gotten over your love of eating, or the unhealthy eating for convenience? I'm not saying everybody here is addicted to food. I don't even want to start that debate so please don't misunderstand

Just to go ahead and start the discussion: Like I said earlier, I've had many dependency and addiction problems. In middle school it was my obsession with friends and attention. In my high school and college days it was pot and pills. In the most recent years I've struggled with alcohol dependency.* I've overcome it all! (YAY ME!!!! ) Now I'm staring down losing my most basic coping skill - food. It scares me. Of course all programs start out by telling you to QUIT. Quit smoking, quit drinking. We can't do that with food! So wtf do we do? What do I do? I'm working with my therapist but I'd like to have some advice from people who have actually faced this and overcome it.

*I'm hoping that you guys will withhold judgment of my past deeds and try to help me with my current problem. I fully understand the risks associated with WLS and transferring addictions. Thank you

I am struggling here as well. And the funny part is I AM a therapist! We don't always have magic answers and it's something that I've tried to overcome many times and failed. I think what's scary for me now is food isn't an option anymore. It was always there if I needed it... But now it's not! Eek!! And Congrats on controlling your alcohol and other dependencies... That means you are strong enough to do this too

My primary problem is not my relationship with food but more with my source for a reward. It first started with my overuse of opiet medication. After a long day, I would look forward to it as a reward for getting everything done. Of course, after a length of time, that reward started occurring multiple times a day in larger, out of control quantities. During my 30 day rehab, I was relieved that they allowed smoking every 3 hours. Thus, creating another type of unhealthy reward for quitting the opiets and something to look forward to in my dulldrum life existence. When I gave up smoking, I replaced it with snacking.

This "entitlement to a reward" or just a sense of needing something to look forward to plagues my brain when I am bored, overworked, stressed, tired, anxious, or depressed. Okay, pretty much all the darn time. It will always be a struggle of mind over matter. It comes down to diverting my attention to other activities that I find enjoyable. I don't think this is a step by step process, but more of a rationalization. My problem is not cross addiction (although it clearly seems so), but a problem within the pathways of my brain. Knowing this is helpful, but doing something about it is the only way to make my surgery successful.

Oh man I just read this topic at the right time. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one (I really didn't think I was)

The quitting food part really hits home, because you can't. I never seem to be able to stick to self-imposed diets. There's always that idea of cheating that comes through, that "I'll just have this one..." It never occurs to me to ever cheat on my husband, so why can't I apply that to myself? Why do I insist on cheating on ME?

I know surgery won't be the magic fix, but I do hope it will help me "change my relationship" with food. Because when you are that restricted, you really do have to view food as a tool to survive rather than something pleasurable.

I started changing my relationship with food before surgery. I contracted facial shingles in 2009. Shingles are painful, shingles on your face where the skin is thinner is even worse. Then you have to worry about then getting in your eye and making you blind. That was my wake up call. I was approaching 50 and even though I had always been fat, I had always been active. Shingles sat me down like no other. Worst pain in my life. I literally did nothing but lie as still as possible for days because the pain was that bad. I really sick from one of the pain meds and ended up in the ER with anaphylaxis. They wanted to keep me but I was uninsured and begged them to send me home. I spent 10 hours in the ER before they would clear me to go home. Once the shingles cleared up, I was left with nerve damage called trigeminal neuralgia. Basically the side of my face where I had the shingles is permanently numb from the nerve damage. The nostril on that side does not work so I am constantly congested. I realized then, if I didn't change things I would always get sick. My body just didn't have any resistance. I promised myself I would do what I could to get healthier. I joined a gym that had a pool and started taking Water aerobics 3 -5 days a week. I stopped drinking soda, I gave up my daily coffee habit. I drink it occasionally but not daily. I no longer "need" coffee to start my day. I started eating as clean as possible. No processed foods. I started eating Breakfast every day. I started juicing. I found I could eat breakfast and workout so I found a plant based Protein powder an started making smoothies. I started practicing portion control. I learned not to bring anything in the house I couldn't have without binging on. I started reading food labels when I went shopping. I wish that had been enough. However my health caused me to yo-yo with the same 35 -50 pounds several times. I would do well with my eating and exercise, then get sick and regain it again. The surgery has somehow helped with my other illnesses. I think the habits I developed in the few years prior WLS helped me follow the program post op. I was already practicing portion control and doing things like drink water when I thought I should eat and making sure I didn't nibble mindlessly. I started food journaling. My relationship with food changed in that I became a conscience eater. Keeping that diary makes me look at not just calories, but sodium, carbs and sugar as well and how it would effect my body. I even started doing things like taking a walk when I was stressed instead of eating my feelings.

I've been working with my therapist for a few months now specifically around my relationship with food, my body image and how that translates into some of the behaviors that have lead to poor health, not just with food but other things as well. If I were ever charged with being unkind to my body, I'd get the chair for sure.

What has really helped me deal with some of the emotional issues has been 2 really great books that I would recommend to anyone interested in self-help and who struggles with the mental part of this battle. Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating and When Food is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Food and Intimacy, both by Geneen Roth. Both of these books really spoke to me and have helped me to recognize many of the underlying issues that are married to my self destructive nature.

I am so glad I came across this topic, because I'm at a point of recognizing that either I need some help to get back on track, or even remembering what that felt like. Granted the sleeve restricts my volume, but it doesn't prevent me from eating things I shouldn't. So yes, I'm now wondering how do I figure this out. On top of it all, had my post surgery bloodwork to find out that my cholesterol is still high. My thought on this.... of course so much of my diet has been yogurt, eggs... everything associated to cholesterol.... this is frustrating for me, along with a bit of the holiday blues as a single woman.

Reading this thread has really hit home. I've been over weight since the age of 5. I was a chubby kid always and started dieting at the age of 8 as per my pediatrician and nutritionist, so you can imagine how hard that might of been for an 8 year old. My mom tried her best but of course i would sneek food any chance i had. After a while my mom stopped the diet and again no restrictions. I was taught that food was reward especially unhealthy fast food. Any time i did something well that was my reward. As a teenager i developed poor eating habits never eating breakfast and buying only junk as lunch at school (but school really only sold junk) as i became independent in my late teens early twenties these habits just got worse I've gone years without eating breakfast or if i picked up something it was soda and doughnut (Gross). With the crazy life of college and working i would sometimes not eat till 3pm but i was on the go from 6am!! Than when i would eat i would want to eat a horse! I than was living alone and making money so i indulged in food as i didn't want to cook for 1 or even do groceries at that my fridge pnly contained leftover containers and soda. Again would mostly eat once a day but really unhealthy stuff or to much of normal food and take out and fast food was my life. In my mid twenties I weighed 220lbs i was still a self confident woman and didn't really mind my weight and i loved being able to eat what i wanted when i wanted because it made me feel independent and again it was my reward for all my hard work. I broke my ankle tibia and fibia and was sedentary for 4 months baring little to no weight on my ankle so i spent 4months on the couch eating and wacthing tv. Let me just tell you i gained 40lbs + in those 4months. From than on i tried all kinds of diets spent all kinds of money and I've yo yo'd ever since. last year at the age of 29 i was diagnosed with diabetes insulin dependent, i than started my journey for WLS i wasn't even 30 and was starting to have all kinds of health complications which I knew were greatly because of my weight ( i also had PCOS, insomnia, and sleep apnea) so i began this journey and today i am 24 days post op. Things are going better each day but i am still fearful, fearful of food. I'm scared i won't make healthy choices I'm scared i can't reward myself anymore, I'm scared i wont be able to eat what i love or as much as i would qant to eat. It takes a lot for me to express these fears because I have just now after surgery become more aware of them. Prior to surgery i was motivated excited ready for this new life style and to get healthy, and i still want all those things but i don't know if it's the season that we are in and all the food related festivities or juat knowing that finally i actually have a restriction in my life is making come to terms with all this. I'm on a waiting list for a new psychiatrist because my old one only wanted to give me pills and would only talk about himself so i need someone who can listen and help me not just push pills and walk me out of the office. I am hopeful that my relationship with food will change but i am also fearful. I had RNY 12 / 01 / 14 SW 295 weight day 24 264 down 31lbs

I feel great about the weight loss but im still in the liquid/puree stage i fear the real food stage which still a month and a half away. Thanks for reading my confession.

Here's another weird thing since some one mentioned body image. I had to look at myself. I mean *really* look at myself. I have never been a shrinking violet. I always thought I was cute. I dressed nice, kept my hair done and wore cute clothes. When I admitted I needed to loose weight I had to look at myself and allow myself to see those fat thighs and giant belly. I had to admit that I simply was carrying around far too much weight on my 5'3" frame.

You're right...you have to eat to live. Changing your relationship with food just means to not "use" it. I used "comfort" foods for that purpose...comfort. I would rush to food every time I felt sad or overwhelmed....now I sit down and breath and find something else to do. It is a process. Of course I whined at first because I didn't have my go-to for comfort. But now I realize it was just a crutch. I take walks now or I do something with my hands...like crochet. Or I read or clean or call a friend.

You have to change your food choices as part of that "relationship with food" thing. You have to choose healthy foods first and always. Period. You need healthy food to live....you don't need processed foods and Cookies.

I actually crave vegetables now. I crave yogurt and fruit. Amazing!

I have a house full of cookies and candy right now for Christmas....even have brownies!....my favorite!!!! But I can easily say no to them. My food tastes have changed. I'm stronger now. You will get there. It will take time, but it will come.

My relationship with food, which consisted of me binge eating because it gave me sensory pleasure, changed because now if I overeat, I feel so sick it feels like I'm gonna die. A couple of those episodes are the best behavior modification you could wish for. Your sleeve will require that you modify your behavior and that will become the new norm. There is nothing more I have needed to do and I feel no hunger and no desire to binge. I guess my brain has caught up with my body. Don't worry. The sleeve restrictions will work for you.

On top of it all, had my post surgery bloodwork to find out that my cholesterol is still high. My thought on this.... of course so much of my diet has been yogurt, eggs... everything associated to cholesterol.... this is frustrating for me, along with a bit of the holiday blues as a single woman.

I have been told by so many medical professionals that cholesterol is often very strongly linked to genetics. For example a friend at work has terrible cholesterol but is very thin, active, healthy, and eats incredibly healthily. She is always trying new things to lower her cholesterol to no avail. My cholesterol was always great (with only slightly low good cholesterol to contend with) even when I was eating so poorly and pushing 500 lbs. But my GP who treats both my parents was not at all shocked by this because my mom and dad are the exact same way. Anyway, I think that eating poorly obviously can contribute to cholesterol problems, and often (maybe not always, like in my friend's case) be managed by diet, but it may take longer for that issue to resolve itself. So I would give it some more time before I started blaming myself if I were you.

I remember first and foremost that I am human, that it is in my power to control what goes into my mouth, and that if it happens to be a cookie then so be it. I refuse to beat myself up over food anymore.

But...I also keep in mind that 1 cookie isn't going to kill me but 10 cookies will certainly derail my goals and will cause some serious stomach pain & can turn into a bad habit again

I plan everything I eat so since we are in the holiday season I've allowed for a few "treats" here and there. If I find I don't want it after I've gotten in all my necessary nutrition, then great! If I still want it, I do this: breath in the aroma of the treat, take it in (sight) then take small bites and savor every flavor. I find that pretty much satisfies me. I limit the treat to one small cookie or a 1/4 cup of dessert or a max of 2 oz of the item. This is about 1-2 times weekly.

CBT takes some time to rewire your brain so I acknowledge that I am still fragile & human above all else.

I also refuse to be "that person" who poo-poos someone for eating something that lacks nutrition. To me nothings worse than that.

Edited December 27, 201411 yr by tomi71

Funny thing is I like healthy food just as much if not more than I like junk food. Salads packed with veggies and dressed with olive oil have always made me happy. I've never had a problem drinking plain Water. I love yogurt, even plain, no sugar added yogurt. I love cottage cheese. Growing up we weren't allowed sodas except once or twice a year on special occasions. My family always cooked from scratch. We called that blue box stuff fake-a-roni & sorta cheese. On the other hand I LOVE greasy old cheese fries. However my cholesterol has never been high. I don't eat meat and I'm not sure if that plays a part or not but presurgery I had at least 2-3 eggs a day and enough yogurt to sink a ship. My cholesterol still is absolutely fine.

I think as my allergies became worse even though I had not so good for you foods I enjoyed like ice cream and pizza fries, for the most part food became something to approach with caution. When I began trying to eat clean it became easy because the less processed the food I ate, the less likely I was to overindulge.

Funny thing is I like healthy food just as much if not more than I like junk food. Salads packed with veggies and dressed with olive oil have always made me happy. I've never had a problem drinking plain Water. I love yogurt, even plain, no sugar added yogurt. I love cottage cheese. Growing up we weren't allowed sodas except once or twice a year on special occasions. My family always cooked from scratch. We called that blue box stuff fake-a-roni & sorta cheese. On the other hand I LOVE greasy old cheese fries. However my cholesterol has never been high. I don't eat meat and I'm not sure if that plays a part or not but presurgery I had at least 2-3 eggs a day and enough yogurt to sink a ship. My cholesterol still is absolutely fine.

I think as my allergies became worse even though I had not so good for you foods I enjoyed like ice cream and pizza fries, for the most part food became something to approach with caution. When I began trying to eat clean it became easy because the less processed the food I ate, the less likely I was to overindulge.

I guess the saying the more you give into a craving the more you crave and it becomes a vicious roundabout.

I've found that to be my problem.

Like you, too, the more healthier, the more satisfying and my spidey senses don't tingle and bedevil me so much anymore when "no no" goods are arounds.

@Blerdirgl you and my husband think alike in that food dept. He loves salads, all kinds of veg, and fruits. He tries to desecrate my veggie gardens! Lol He will choose these food over almost any junk except chips...chips are his kryptonite.

His usual habits is to reach for Protein, vegetable carbs, assorted whole fruits, skim dairy and then the treats as last course if at all because he really doesn't eat dessert. And he doesn't have a weight problem; never had as he is athletic and gets PT in with his army unit and has to spend time doing some serious training while I worry myself to death. ????

I still cant get down with traditional lettuces salad. I like braised whole veg seasoned with misses dash and tossed with a tiny but of grape-seed oil and roast garlic and homemade parmesan chips. I'll even eat grilled endive with no problems.

I am dying to try a lettuce taco again like what I ate when living in SO CAL but even there if the meat wasn't juicy and hot enough to soften the lettuce, I couldn't do it. ????

****Edited because I was walking while texting and saw how poorly some sentence were written! Still Bad! But better. Lol

Edited December 27, 201411 yr by tomi71

For me the turning point was reading the book, "When Food is Love" and starting therapy weekly with an eating disorder therapist. It's a LOT of hard work. Way harder- in my opinion- than the actual food/eating behaviors themselves. Good luck to you ! :-)