Feeling my Feelings...and nothing I can do about it.

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

Intellectually, I have understood that many obese people, myself included, use food as a soother and to self-medicate. I get that. If this weren't the case, you wouldn't see a high rate of transfer addictions, a divorce rate that jumps to 75% for post-op patients and a suicide rate that is more than double that of the population at large. (In fact, for women it's more than 5x the rate!)

But now, I myself am post-op. And it's no longer an intellectual discussion. It's real. It's happening to me.

I am feeling all my Feelings and there is nothing I can do about it. The thing I know how to do when uncomfortable and ugly feelings show up, is to push them back down with the sweet carb of my choosing. But I can't do that anymore. I literally, physically cannot do that anymore. So what do I do?

If I can't push them down, then they have to come up and out. And some of the feelings are so damn ugly. In eating and eating I may have made myself ugly on the outside, but I was able to hide the ugly on the inside. Now what? I have not allowed myself to feel my feelings, never mind EXPRESS them, in so many years I really don't know how. They threaten to totally overwhelm me at times.

Not only that, but people all around me in my life have come to expect me to me so mature, so level-headed. It makes them feel so good, so comfortable to be able to say, "Look at all the difficult things that have happened in her life, but how gracefully she deals with it. Look at how resilient she is, how she lets things roll right off her back."

But without food, I have to feel my Big, Terrible, Feelings. And in doing so, I'm about to reveal that I'm not graceful, resilient or mature. I was just contained by carbs. We are all about to have a giant identity crisis, I'm afraid.

Luckily, I have a good therapist to support me during this process. And I have you all here at Bariatric Pal - many of you who may have experienced this before and who may already have discovered the answer to the question, "Will feeling my Feelings kill me? Will expressing my Feelings alienate everyone I love? Will not pushing everything ugly back down inside of me totally overturn my life?"

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I could have written this post. What was weird for me is that i didn't feel that way until I had been in maintenance quite awhile... and by then food didn't soothe me even if I COULD stuff myself with it. I feel like I am finally coming out of the brighter end of the tunnel... like i am no longer overwhelmed every day by the intensity of these feelings. I feel a sense of optimism and joy returning... those things I felt so strongly during weight loss but eluded me for awhile recently.

Alot has happened, my life has been turned upside down, not just by weight loss but by some other factors in life too. I learned a few things about not burying my feelings with food and obesity:

-nobody hated me for being less than perfect

-lots of people seem to like me even better now since I am much more open, authentic and less "self protecting"

-I totally lost my cool with a dear friend who did not deserve it due to my emotional state and he forgave me. Real friends are like that

-Looks don't matter very much, I still like to look my very best and that is OKAY... but, it just isn't that important

-Everybody struggles with something in life, everybody finds ways of dealing with it good or bad. Our challenge is to re-funnel that into something healthier and sustainable (drinking huge quantities of coffee for example, is neither - BTDT)

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

@CowgirlJane...thanks for the thoughtful reply. #2 really strikes me: being more open, authentic and less "self-protecting." I think this is the part that is truly terrifying me right now. I can see where people would definitely like this, but oh the horror to think about actually doing it.

I guess that's all part of the journey.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

There are many days when we just get tired of being strong. I really feel for those who do not have a supportive environment and have to walk alone through this weight loss experience. A therapist is a wonderful tool to help you get over the lumps of emotion. Bariatric Pal has also be an outstanding emotional resource for me. I know that not only can I come here with medical issues, I can also come here for a shoulder to lean on. Stay with us. There are o many that have gone on before us who can look back and hold out a hand.

[Roo101769 742]

I think I was around three months out when I got into a deep funk. I could not put my finger on it, I just felt "off". I suffered through it for a while, probably a good two months or more, before I started to understand what I was going through. ( and I have to say I only think I understand it) At around three months the shine was off the penny in some ways. The reality of "this is my life" was setting in. All the magic things I had imagined didn't all happen. I was still in my life, living the same life. My only real change was I wasn't eating as much as I lived and now I weigh less. I know it is completely irrational to believe that somehow everything would magically change by just having the surgery, but there was some deep part of my brain that held on to that nugget of impossibility. I still had bills to pay, and my income didn't get any bigger. I still have a 5yr old to raise, and I didn't become "super mom". I still have relationship issues ( as in NONE), and my newly shaped body didn't change that. All the things I wish would change have remained the same, except I have lost a lot of weight. It was kind of hard to deal with for a while. I had to redefine myself and my expectations. Along the way I did have a meltdown here and there. I snapped on a coworker, but it was something I held in for years. Was it because I had no other recourse? Or because I am finally able to stand up for myself to the things I can no longer take? No easy answer. But it helped me understand I am changing, slowly. I can't turn to food to soothe, although at times the old "fat brain" REALLY wants to! What I can turn to is me. Hey, I did this. I made a drastic decision to change something and by GOD I am doing it. I am not perfect, there are a lot of areas in my life I need change. But at least one little area is and that finally helped pull me from the funk. That and maybe the fact winter finally ended! LOL I now try hard to concentrate on what I can do, not what I can't or haven't. Small things, like planning a day full of errands and getting them all done. I didn't wear out half way through because I am so fat I can barely move. No.. I can set goals and see them through. At least some times, which is a start. Try not to expect too much of yourself, just not yet. It is a HUGE emotional road ahead, not just physical. You will feel things you never expected and will have to figure out ways to deal with it. I am really glad you have support and I am sure you will find that light at the end of your tunnel!

[StayingStrong 78]

Love this everyone! Its raw, and messy and real!! I am 3 weeks post-op and already noticing it. There are other things going on in my life as well that are forcing the change but we don't have to be BIG anymore to carry all this crap. Ours or others. I am retiring as a fixer/rescuer. It's incredible. Working hard on my inner transformation as well as my outer. I won't be as "nice" anymore but I will be kind, and honest and good. Walking on our journey!

[InfiniteButterfly 438]

I've been working with a therapist consistently since my required psych eval (we mutually discussed continuing therapy, which I've needed for a long time), and I'm hoping with her help, I'll be able to weather some of the stormy days ahead (I'm pretty volatile emotionally, so I don't expect to suddenly be all sunshine and roses) and I was battling a fairly long-lasting depression (which I don't expect to clear overnight with the surgery), but one day at a time, I hope to get through it. To be honest, the thought of deeper depression scares me, because I've been there/done that and don't want to go back. I've made a lot of other changes in my life approaching the surgery as well (returning to school, working on my art career), so I'm hoping that I can focus the "must eat for consolation" feelings into artwork or exercise.

[getnhealthyintx 281]

I spent day 4 crying. I am scared of not having my food friend any more.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

It's hard. I had a friend who was sleeved about 4 months before me and she called me over the summer to tell me that feeling her feelings really sucked. By November, I kind of got what she was talking about.

An interesting side benefit of all of this is that while feelings are really hard, I also find myself unwilling to put up with crap. Without the filter of food, or a bottle of wine, I am speaking my piece far more often. It is neither good nor bad, that part. Like Jane, I feel like those who have my back still do, and the ones that didn't or don't…will fall by the wayside.

I am finding that I procrastinate things that I shouldn't (it's still a form of avoidance, right?) and that I haven't cleaned my office so that I can actually sit and work at my desk since before the surgery. It's some bizarre little control game I am playing with myself. The surgery has been an interesting wake up call to all sorts of behaviors, some of which I have tamed, some come to peace with, and some that I am still working on.

[Karen Scott 117]

Optimistic/pessimistic???

Edited May 12, 2014 by Karen Scott

[Karen Scott 117]

I empathize with all that has been said but as I approach the starting of a new life I won't say regrets won't set in, but the biggest question I would have for myself is this... Why am I doing this? I really don't want to die early and don't get to see my kids grow, I don't want to have a stroke and have people take care of me for the rest of my life... Then the other question surfaces.. What am I willing to give up do I can change my life? And my answer to myself is food. One doctor says we eat food to sustain our everyday activities we should not allow it to control us, we should b in charge. At the end of the day whether u are obese or skinny, the point that I am trying to make is despite everything we've got to learn to love our selves the way we are, we just need an assistant in making our lives healthier and that's where surgery comes in. No one said it was going to b easy it's a risk we took and not to say we won't ever feel sad but in making this decision we have to make sure we r ready to make a commitment as such cuz it's irreversible. Let us begin to search within our selves to find the root cause for our anxiety or depression our sadness, then if we can pinpoint that factor then mayb once we get that under control we can really start living. Regret means u r tied to ur past how better to real with it than to face the issue headon and break free of what's holding us down. This is just my opinion on the topic. Always stay true to ones self.

[Comeflywithme 402]

Wow.... This is so theraputic! I sincerely thank all on here for your openess... Good Luck to us all and let's try to focus on how not only fitter, pretier but healthier we will be when we have these low moments. God Bless our strength and help us dominate those down times. Love you guys....

[Bigmommatojacob 54]

I spent day 4 crying. I am scared of not having my food friend any more.

I just told my friend I miss my food.

[abordenster 43]

I did the crying day 3. It's part of the process. Now it's a different frustration because I can eat a little but shouldn't eat any. Still I'm making the right food choices 99 percent of the time. It just sucks that weakness is still there after I found this amazing tool. And lately I have wondered if I should have gotten the bypass surgery instead. Would it have been better to have had a more restrictive surgery? Then I remember that I am strong and I want to make the better choices myself and not have my restriction do all the work. Anyway it's nice to vent. I'm relieved when people open up on this site and are honest about a difficult struggle. One day at a time.

[Anselee 17]

I had my surgery on 4/28/14 and have too found myself more emotional. It does have an effect on your hormones 85% when of your stomach is removed... all bodies will need time to adjust to that. I must say I am looking my first post surgery session with my therapist this week.

It will be very important for myself to keep in regular sessions with my therapist so I am not likely to abuse food likely in the past. food is not a friend or confidant, I go to support group meetings at the hospital where I had my surgery done for support before and after surgery.

I had my surgery on a Monday afternoon was discharged on Wednesday and was driven to a support group on Thursday. I am not suggesting you follow my lead on this (I have a very high pain tolerance and used very little narcotics in the hospital).

If you are struggling with your food issues and can not afford therapy use your hospital weekly support groups. If your hospital does not have them do some research and find a local hospital that does.