Head Games

[kltklass 144]

It never ceases to amaze me the games my head plays with my psyche. As I continue on this journey the changes that are happening to my body astound me. It wasn't so long ago that I weighed 325lbs at my highest weight. I was fat, sluggish, and in ill health (both mentally and physically). I suffered from depression, anxiety, thyroid, and type II diabetes.

Fast forward to today, I weigh 213.6 lbs. YEA!!! The diabetes is under control (no longer on medication), my depression and anxiety are much better. I no longer wear a size 32 pants and a 3-4 X top. I am down to an 18 pant and 1X top. This is a great achievement for me. (I am very proud of myself!!)

That being said, I have been here before. I get close to 200 lbs and a flip gets switched and I sabotage all this great progress and balloon up to 300+ lbs.

The games start when I look in the mirror and think "damn...girl you are looking good!" and then I see a current picture of myself and I still look FAT, positively huge. I realize this is a figment of my imagination. I am not as big as I once was. When I look at past pictures of me at my highest weight I wonder why I had not realized how big I was. I knew I was fat. Morbidly obese did not register in my mind. My greatest fear is that the surgery will fail and I will return to unhealthier ways.

Although, I feel much better, all I can think of is how big I look. It undermines all the progress I have made. As I said...Head Games.

I am a full time student studying Social Work. This semester we are studying the history of family violence/sexual assault which is triggering lots of emotions. Since my surgery has taken away my coping strategy (emotional eating) I need to find a better way of dealing with past memories. Good thing I am surrounded by people who can help me deal with these issues.

Thanks for listening and being there for me.

[moddd 79]

I am totally with you! You have an amazing way with words! Have you thought of penning your emotions as a coping mechanism instead of eating them? I wish you all the luck and remember YOU are worth it.

[Teachamy 1,042]

Best of luck on this journey. Glad you have counseling/support available at this difficult time. Sending love your way!

[Guest deleted_user]

I can relate to almost everything you said. I somehow don't see that the old me was obese but now feel huge when I look at my pictures. I am becoming my worst enemy when everyone keeps complementing me on how great I look. Head games, just as you worded it. It's very exhausting and it doesn't let us enjoy what we have accomplished... Just keep remembering how far you've come along and that your sleeve (your always there accountability partner) won't let you go back to the way you once were. Stay strong and enjoy all the blessings you have! So great to no longer be on diabetes medications!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

It never ceases to amaze me the games my head plays with my psyche. As I continue on this journey the changes that are happening to my body astound me. It wasn't so long ago that I weighed 325lbs at my highest weight. I was fat, sluggish, and in ill health (both mentally and physically). I suffered from depression, anxiety, thyroid, and type II diabetes.

Fast forward to today, I weigh 213.6 lbs. YEA!!! The diabetes is under control (no longer on medication), my depression and anxiety are much better. I no longer wear a size 32 pants and a 3-4 X top. I am down to an 18 pant and 1X top. This is a great achievement for me. (I am very proud of myself!!)

That being said, I have been here before. I get close to 200 lbs and a flip gets switched and I sabotage all this great progress and balloon up to 300+ lbs.

The games start when I look in the mirror and think "damn...girl you are looking good!" and then I see a current picture of myself and I still look FAT, positively huge. I realize this is a figment of my imagination. I am not as big as I once was. When I look at past pictures of me at my highest weight I wonder why I had not realized how big I was. I knew I was fat. Morbidly obese did not register in my mind. My greatest fear is that the surgery will fail and I will return to unhealthier ways.

Although, I feel much better, all I can think of is how big I look. It undermines all the progress I have made. As I said...Head Games.

I am a full time student studying Social Work. This semester we are studying the history of family violence/sexual assault which is triggering lots of emotions. Since my surgery has taken away my coping strategy (emotional eating) I need to find a better way of dealing with past memories. Good thing I am surrounded by people who can help me deal with these issues.

Thanks for listening and being there for me.

I feel like I could have written most of what you said..Hang on there..you will figure it all out in time..So be good to yourself and just keep swimming....K

[CrazyJaney 775]

It never ceases to amaze me the games my head plays with my psyche. As I continue on this journey the changes that are happening to my body astound me. It wasn't so long ago that I weighed 325lbs at my highest weight. I was fat, sluggish, and in ill health (both mentally and physically). I suffered from depression, anxiety, thyroid, and type II diabetes. Fast forward to today, I weigh 213.6 lbs. YEA!!! The diabetes is under control (no longer on medication), my depression and anxiety are much better. I no longer wear a size 32 pants and a 3-4 X top. I am down to an 18 pant and 1X top. This is a great achievement for me. (I am very proud of myself!!) That being said, I have been here before. I get close to 200 lbs and a flip gets switched and I sabotage all this great progress and balloon up to 300+ lbs. The games start when I look in the mirror and think "damn...girl you are looking good!" and then I see a current picture of myself and I still look FAT, positively huge. I realize this is a figment of my imagination. I am not as big as I once was. When I look at past pictures of me at my highest weight I wonder why I had not realized how big I was. I knew I was fat. Morbidly obese did not register in my mind. My greatest fear is that the surgery will fail and I will return to unhealthier ways. Although, I feel much better, all I can think of is how big I look. It undermines all the progress I have made. As I said...Head Games. I am a full time student studying Social Work. This semester we are studying the history of family violence/sexual assault which is triggering lots of emotions. Since my surgery has taken away my coping strategy (emotional eating) I need to find a better way of dealing with past memories. Good thing I am surrounded by people who can help me deal with these issues. Thanks for listening and being there for me.

I. HEAR. YOU. Like, I can completely and utterly understand. I'm pre sleeve. HW 325 (maybe more but not documented). I'm down 18. My head is my worst enemy. I have no advice except to say I HEAR you and you're not alone! Congratulations on being where you are, which is a long way from where you've been and somewhere different than where you are going. Positive energy sent your way.

[kltklass 144]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I really needed to hear that tonight.

[JewelJ 29]

It never ceases to amaze me the games my head plays with my psyche. As I continue on this journey the changes that are happening to my body astound me. It wasn't so long ago that I weighed 325lbs at my highest weight. I was fat, sluggish, and in ill health (both mentally and physically). I suffered from depression, anxiety, thyroid, and type II diabetes.

Fast forward to today, I weigh 213.6 lbs. YEA!!! The diabetes is under control (no longer on medication), my depression and anxiety are much better. I no longer wear a size 32 pants and a 3-4 X top. I am down to an 18 pant and 1X top. This is a great achievement for me. (I am very proud of myself!!)

That being said, I have been here before. I get close to 200 lbs and a flip gets switched and I sabotage all this great progress and balloon up to 300+ lbs.

The games start when I look in the mirror and think "damn...girl you are looking good!" and then I see a current picture of myself and I still look FAT, positively huge. I realize this is a figment of my imagination. I am not as big as I once was. When I look at past pictures of me at my highest weight I wonder why I had not realized how big I was. I knew I was fat. Morbidly obese did not register in my mind. My greatest fear is that the surgery will fail and I will return to unhealthier ways.

Although, I feel much better, all I can think of is how big I look. It undermines all the progress I have made. As I said...Head Games.

I am a full time student studying Social Work. This semester we are studying the history of family violence/sexual assault which is triggering lots of emotions. Since my surgery has taken away my coping strategy (emotional eating) I need to find a better way of dealing with past memories. Good thing I am surrounded by people who can help me deal with these issues.

Thanks for listening and being there for me.

All I can say is BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF.. and fill your time with positive things.. make sure you are the winner in all of this.....Like you said.. you have been there before.. Make sure you WIN THIS TIME....take it .. it's yours....Best of luck.... Jewelj....

[Shells_Almost_There 357]

Very well said. I have some of the same issues with my head getting in the way - I have lost enough weight now that I'm feeling "skinny" - which is my brain not actual fact! I fit into smaller clothes and people have started to really notice the weight loss (virtually no one knows I had surgery), BUT then I have to remind myself that I still have 80 pounds to lose. That's no small matter or easy feat. Here's what happens to me: 1. I lose weight (yay!) 2. I self congratulate with a cookie or 5. 3. I feel guilty about cheating. 4. Someone compliments me on my weight loss. 5. I have another cookie to Celebrate. 6. I self sabotage, feel guilty, and keep having Cookies. Then potato chips, etc etc. You get the picture.

I mean, what is that? This has been my pattern forever. It's just so depressing - especially that I can lay it out there like that but still feel helpless to stop it. Anyway, it's time to break that pattern and get rid of the sugar addiction, the guilt, and the self sabotage. Wish me luck (I'm gonna need it!).

[kltklass 144]

Very well said. I have some of the same issues with my head getting in the way - I have lost enough weight now that I'm feeling "skinny" - which is my brain not actual fact! I fit into smaller clothes and people have started to really notice the weight loss (virtually no one knows I had surgery), BUT then I have to remind myself that I still have 80 pounds to lose. That's no small matter or easy feat. Here's what happens to me: 1. I lose weight (yay!) 2. I self congratulate with a cookie or 5. 3. I feel guilty about cheating. 4. Someone compliments me on my weight loss. 5. I have another cookie to Celebrate. 6. I self sabotage, feel guilty, and keep having Cookies. Then potato chips, etc etc. You get the picture.

I mean, what is that? This has been my pattern forever. It's just so depressing - especially that I can lay it out there like that but still feel helpless to stop it. Anyway, it's time to break that pattern and get rid of the sugar addiction, the guilt, and the self sabotage. Wish me luck (I'm gonna need it!).

I too, have 80+ lbs to lose. I am trying so hard to keep Cookies and candy out of the house. My mother has a stash she keeps upstairs and I know they are there. This makes it challenging when I have a bad day. Thankfully, my sleeve will not allow me to eat more than 1 1/2 cookies. (I do occasionally splurge). My philosophy is all thing in moderation...including moderation. I have tried so many diets in the past that have failed because I told myself I "could never" have something again. I decided on the sleeve for the amount restriction and it works if I let it.

Patterns are very difficult to break. Especially, if you are used to combining it with food. Somehow it gets cemented in the brain....Oh, it's 3:00, it's time for tea and cookies before class... or a bedtime snack to get you thru the night. That being said, they can be broken. I try to find a healthy snack to eat with my tea or a Protein shake during class. Bate and switch works wonders.

Guilt is only useful if you are the one doing something wrong and I detest the word cheat. People cheat on their spouse or taxes. I prefer the word Detour. When you go off your plan you are making a detour, just like a roadblock, you go around and continue on your journey. I find this works better for me and I don't have the guilt that goes along with the word cheat.

Shells, you got this. Take your time as this is not a race. Enjoy your journey and forgive your self. No one is perfect. Good luck.

[CrazyJaney 775]

Very well said. I have some of the same issues with my head getting in the way - I have lost enough weight now that I'm feeling "skinny" - which is my brain not actual fact! I fit into smaller clothes and people have started to really notice the weight loss (virtually no one knows I had surgery), BUT then I have to remind myself that I still have 80 pounds to lose. That's no small matter or easy feat. Here's what happens to me: 1. I lose weight (yay!) 2. I self congratulate with a cookie or 5. 3. I feel guilty about cheating. 4. Someone compliments me on my weight loss. 5. I have another cookie to Celebrate. 6. I self sabotage, feel guilty, and keep having Cookies. Then potato chips, etc etc. You get the picture. I mean, what is that? This has been my pattern forever. It's just so depressing - especially that I can lay it out there like that but still feel helpless to stop it. Anyway, it's time to break that pattern and get rid of the sugar addiction, the guilt, and the self sabotage. Wish me luck (I'm gonna need it!).

I hear you!!!! Exactly what happens to me. The compliments and attention from others causes this feeling of PRESSURE. I self sabotage. Why? I have no idea. I'm hoping and praying that THIS time, I'm more mature and have much more confidence, or conversely I have care a great deal less of what people think of me. Something about turning 40+ is liberating in that way. But I know exactly what you mean. Somehow we have to match what or body, brain, eyes and heart see.