Not a happy, cheary post, be warned

[farmgirl04 231]

I'M having a tough time this morning and just need to vent. I had a full Tummy Tuck December 2, one day after my mom died. I still think it was the right decision to go ahead with the surgery, I was at the family only burial 3 days later and we are having her memorial service in the spring. Re her death, it was a good one. The last year, last months, last week, and last days were not how you would wish anyone to have to live. My sister and I were with her almost 100% of the last two weeks. I left for home Saturday night in order to get prepared for surgery that Monday. I got home at 130am and got the call to come back at 230, so my husband and I drove back 3+ hours each way. I spent the day with my family, making arrangements, grieving, talking, ect then drove home in time to start prepping for the next morning. Now fast forward 3 weeks. I'm healing well from the surgery, on the phone regularly with dad, sister, and brother, but here at home I'm married to a fedex delivery man and have 2 adult sons still living at home and at that mid twenty work hard/play hard time of life. My daughter lives nearby, is a medical resident who works 90 hours a week and it 37 weeks pregnant(!). So you get the idea. Support, while it looks available, isn't there. I've followed all the post op restrictions, but it is getting harder and harder to get any support from family. Screw the 10 pound lift restriction, I just won't lift! But Christmas is almost here, and I'm feeling like part of me wants to move ahead in some sense of normalcy, to help me cope with grieving. Yet I can't, and don't, want to do it all. I have gifts but don't want to wrap them. It is just more than I feel up to. I have stocking stuff, but don't want to wrap and stuff them. Quite frankly, I just want to make flipping piles and say merry Christmas. I don't want to cook a big dinner. I don't want to make baked Alaska for desert. I just don't want to. My family is expecting it all. I'm tired and I'm grieving. There is no answer but to just keep moving forward. Sorry this is so long, but I'm missing my mom this morning, and it is coming to a head. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Work in progress 33 18]

My personal opinion is. STOP!! Start taking care of your self. If you don't feel like doing don't do. Quit pushing yourself. Your kids are Grown not babies. If you don't take care of your self and something worse happens to you and god forbid you go home to glory they are still going to keep it moving. Self preservation is the first law if you can't take care of your self you can't take care of others. I am sorry for your lost. My prayers are with you and your family. If you need to talk you can call me or send me a message.

[newat52 1,612]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is very hard anytime of the year but this time of year is especially hard.

You have so much on your plate right now. Perhaps just explain to your family that you just need to simplify this Christmas. They are all adults and will understand. Sometimes, if you just let people know, they will jump in. I have two adult sons and they are great boys but like most men, clueless. I have found if I say hey, I need this or that, they will jump in but they just need to have it explained.

Your daughter gets a pass, where she is in her pregnancy of course, the only thing on her mind is getting this baby here.

May I suggest you order Christmas dinner from a local grocery store or restaurant just for this year? Let everyone know that you just are not up to cooking and wrapping gifts. Let them know the best gift they can give you is to be with you, Celebrate the life that your mom was and look forward to the newest member of your growing family.

Wishing you the very best this Holiday season. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and may I say congrats on your soon to be new little one. Bittersweet, indeed.

[ribearty 544]

Farmgirl,

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with newat52. You need to take care of yourself right now. You are healing from surgery and the loss of a parent. Those two items are a lot to deal with in addition to worrying about Christmas. The mother in us wants to take care of everyone else first.. This isn't the time. Your family is all grown and will understand. Let them know Christmas will be different this year and tell them that if they are expecting the usual dishes, they will need to come over and prepare it. The world won't end if the presents aren't wrapped and Baked Alaska isn't prepared. This is the first Christmas without your mother so it is going to be even more difficult.

As you know, things will get easier down the road, but there will be times when the memories still bring sadness. I hope you have the merriest Christmas possible for you under the circumstances.

[kraney 219]

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Four years ago on December 4th I lost my only brother at the young age of 40. That year I (and my mom) lost our holiday cheer. We didn't want to do a tree, wrap gifts, have a holiday dinner, or any of the other family type things one would do for Christmas or New Year's Eve. So I do understand that part. You have to do what you feel is right for you. Forcing yourself into doing those things does not help the grief process. Your family I am sure understands how you are feeling and will stay strong by your side supporting whatever you decide to do. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own path. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May your memories comfort you in this time of grief.

[farmgirl04 231]

Thank you all for your support. I think the fact that I had to fight so long and hard, right up to the end, for Mom to have the death she wanted- at home and with family, that though sad at her passing, I was so relieved that we were able to have it happen on her terms, that grieving was different for me immediately. My sister is experiencing the same thing. It is like we are finally able to let our guard down, so to speak. It was a real battle to keep her at home, with Dad, which was all she wanted! Now the fight is leaving me, and reality is settling in. Just to add to it all I walked out to feed my sheep and found my oldest ewe down and dying. I simply turned and walked in and told the boys to deal with it because I couldn't handle any more. They did, thank goodness. He'll of a day!

This 10 pound lift limit is really constraining, which I knew it would be, but after 3 weeks everyone else gets tired of it too! There is so little I can really do! I Water my chickens a gallon at a time.

One other strike against me is that walking, then running, had always been my go-to mental health support, and I can't even rely on that for another 3 weeks!

Thanks so much for listening. It really helps to vent!

[newat52 1,612]

This site is always a safe place to vent.

I forgot to add earlier though, how awesome that you have reached your goal and able to do plastics!

Go farmgirl04!

I'm getting closer but still have a bit to go, it's coming of slooowwwwlllly but it IS coming off!

[farmgirl04 231]

On a happier note, I still can't get over the fact that I don't have to lift my belly when I wash- that it's all flat now!

[ribearty 544]

Farmgirl,

Glad to hear about your flat tummy. I will get there someday, but not in the near future. I want to get my weight stabilized before having plastic surgery. If you feel up to answering at this time, how long did you wait between losing your weight and having your Tummy Tuck? If you don't feel up to it, please answer later.

Edited December 22, 2013 by ribearty

[ladyd728 106]

You stated that your children are grown...grown. You should not cook if you don't want to. Your mom just passed away so they all should understand. Plus you are trying to heal. So I wouldn't do a thing, tell your husband to order from Honey Bake or Piccadilly and enjoy the day. But you have to mean what you say or they will walk all over you and not even care. You have no babies in the house, maybe next year when your lil bundle of joy comes you will feel better and want to enjoy cooking that nice big Christmas dinner. Right now you should not be expected to do a thing.

[farmgirl04 231]

I had my band put in August 2012. Basically got to goal a year later, this past august. I have been running once my body and legs could handle it and battled a bad rash under my belly no matter what I did. I also had 3 c sections, the last one 25 years ago, not sure of that made a difference. I casually asked my bariatric doc about removing it, she sent me to a plastics doc, but didn't think I'd have luck with insurance company. I saw the plastics doc who told me it was probably 75% with insurance on the bottom! above the belly button was more like 25-50%. They turned around and approved it 100% in less than 2 weeks! So I got it all done! Now I'm recouping. It is so worth it, but as an independent woman I have a hard time being hands off in life. A cute note was the day we buried Mom. I was 3 days post op. Mu dad is 97 and holding his own. He and I were on the same nap schedule most of the day, so we would just snuggle up in the hotel bed together! It was nice to have each other there when we woke, and it allowed my siblings to know he and I were taking care of each other.

[Bandista 7,466]

I have been following your progress but had no idea you were going through all of this at the same time as your surgery and recovery. Sending best wishes your way -- you have been through a lot! All the leading up to your mom's death, advocating for her quality of life and death and managing your own health. Now is the time to let others take care of you. Take good care -- that's what she would want for you and what you need for yourself -- a happy healthy future....best wishes, I know you're going to be thinking of her so much during the holidays. Use that fierceness you needed for her care to care for yourself!

[kraney 219]

A cute note was the day we buried Mom. I was 3 days post op. Mu dad is 97 and holding his own. He and I were on the same nap schedule most of the day, so we would just snuggle up in the hotel bed together! It was nice to have each other there when we woke, and it allowed my siblings to know he and I were taking care of each other.

That last part you wrote about napping is so touching.

[1Day1Life4Now 882]

Oh Farmgirl, you really do need a hug. Sending them to you!!! Do you have a girlfriend or a neighbor you could call to help wrap those presents and take that pressure off of you? Sometimes teenage girls will do that for a little bit of cash. As a mom of grown children I understand the pressure you put on yourself about doing it all and making it a wonderful Christmas. Well guess what? No matter what you do or don't do.... it will be Christmas. I will be making a pot of Gumbo for our Christmas because I am depressed and not up to the festivities of norm. Maybe you could just put a big pot of Soup or stew on and let that be it. It's not what you eat, or what presents are there. Its all about enjoying and loving one another. Its time your boys understood that you are not Superwoman. I know losing our moms is so difficult. I lost mine 15 years ago and I still want to pick up the phone to call her and I still see things in the store I want to buy her... I am sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and I am sure in a couple of weeks you will feel like a new woman, but till then... get your strength back. Oh, and you might want to have a heart to heart talk with your sons and explain everything to them. They don't understand your limitations right now so you have to articulate that to them. I am sure they will understand once it is presented to them and you've hit them up side the head a couple of times. Merry Christmas and wishing you a better new year.

[kimk1999 450]

Sending more virtual hugs your way. I'm not sure why but as females we feel the need to do it all. Be a guy and just lay back and relax for a change. If it doesn't get done the world won't end. Holidays are supposed to be about family but it turns into pure stress. You have enough on your plate, try to let things go. Sorry for you loss and wish you the best.