I am a hair salon owner/ stylist and I decided not to keep my surgery a secret. I do not regret that decision. I do find it frustratingly interesting that people keep telling me that I'm not fat enough to have surgery! Really? Now granted, I'm not as "fat" as some but at 250lbs, bmi almost 42, size 18-20 pants and 3x shirts... I am damn well fat! "I just don't see it" I hear on a regular basis. Well, what's funny is that is always prefaced by "you look great" (of course I'm down almost 30lbs now). When I say.. well I have over a hundred lbs to lose... they simply say they don't believe me. Well.. if you're able to see my profile pic you might not see it either, but please know that I know the best angle to take my picture and photo shop is a miracle! When I (rarely) find myself in a picture with "normal" size people I am blown away at just how big I am.. it doesn't look natual. So.. rambling, sorry... my question is.. Do they really not see it? Are they just trying to be nice? What gives? Anyone else get this?

Ok,,, The comment was supposed to say that saying something like that WOULD be offensive. I didn't actually say that. It was part of a conversation and it was said like... People don't think before they talk and saying something like that would be offensive. I believe the person I was replying to understood my post, but because I didn't quote her or add anything to explain it I do understand how it could have been taken out of context. I did appologise for the fact that it was taken wrong. It was not said wrong. The comment was about what should never be said. This is getting way off topic. I think it's obvious at this point that there was nothing racial in my comment, it was a rediculous comment as it was supposed to be, it was,,, like something you would never say. It was in response to another comment. I'm hoping by my explaining the comment you (everyone) will understand better that the comment itself was not the problem, but my delivery. I hope we can now move away from this as it has turned really ugly and is a topic that I am very uncomfortable with. It was never my intention to offend anybody, quite the opposite.

Anyway, It happened again today... My second client..." NO way you were heavy enough to need surgury! You look great"! Oy Vey

I'm 5'10" too. Still obese only more places to hide it. once I did Jenny Craig and got to 145. Ppl daid I was too skinny. No. You are used to look at me fat. Sigh. I also calculated that Jenny Craig cost as much as a Mexican Gastric Sleeve. Intetesting huh?

I'm 5'10" too. Still obese only more places to hide it. once I did Jenny Craig and got to 145. Ppl daid I was too skinny. No. You are used to look at me fat. Sigh. I also calculated that Jenny Craig cost as much as a Mexican Gastric Sleeve. Intetesting huh?

That's actually a very interesting point. I kept thinking of how much I had spent to be obese. Diets, tricks, clothes, different sizes in clothes, prescriptions. The surgery is much cheaper in comparison isn't it?

After my band to sleeve revision 4 mths ago (I started out at 250 lbs 4 yrs ago but was only 174 when I had my revision), I was in the ER for a bad medication reaction (thought I had a leak). They did an xray to be 100% certain there was no leak. I heard the tech behind the window say to the other tech "They will do wls on anyone nowadays. She probly paid cash"

Meaning I wasn't fat enuf for wls. Maybe I wasn't fat enuf for wls #1 (at 174 and a bmi of 28) not sure if any dr would have done the sleeve on me (even with cash) but it doesn't matter if ur below target weight for revision. I knew if I had my band taken out without a revision, I would've soon weighed 250 again. Oh and btw, my insurance paid for it, not cash.

Actually made me feel kinda good. Like she was saying I was skinny or something!

[i think links are not working on the iPhone and ipad apps. Also, not sure if others will see this, but there are a lot of HTML tags appearing in posts. I think lipstick lady copied the text from the link, but on my ipad app, it's unreadable because the HTML tags..

QUOTE=LipstickLady] How to Be a Good Ally to Fat People Who Appear to Have Lost Weight <div style="font-size:14px;margin:0px 0px 15px;color:rgb(17,17,17);font-family:'proxima-nova', sans-serif;background-color:rgb(233,246,254);"><span>November 14, 2013</span> | by <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://everydayfeminism.com/author/bevinb/'>Bevin Branlandingham</a> <div style="color:rgb(17,17,17);font-family:'proxima-nova', sans-serif;font-size:16px;background-color:rgb(233,246,254);"> <div style="background-color:rgb(245,245,245);text-align:center;"><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://everydayfeminism.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/10079750784_0fc03ca2c1_z.jpg'><img height="199" src="http://everydayfeminism.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/10079750784_0fc03ca2c1_z-300x199.jpg" width="300" alt="10079750784_0fc03ca2c1_z-300x199.jpg"></a> <p class="" style="color:rgb(170,170,170);font-size:12px;">Source: <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://www.flickr.com/photos/bevin/10079750784/'>Flickr</a> <p style="font-size:16px;"> <p style="font-size:16px;"><i>Originally published on </i><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://queerfatfemme.com/2013/10/04/how-to-be-a-good-ally-to-fat-people-who-appear-to-have-lost-weight/'><i>***** Fat Femme</i></a><i> and cross-posted here with their permission.</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">Our culture normalizes talking about bodies all the time. <p style="font-size:16px;">There is especially a lot of value placed on weight gain or loss. <p style="font-size:16px;">Turn on a television and just listen to diet chatter. It’s pervasive, obnoxious, and well-meaning individuals perpetuate it in our personal lives all the time. <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>I like to create an environment in my life that is about substance over small talk, where compliments are genuine and weight is value-neutral.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;"><i>“Oh, but Bevin,”</i> you may be saying. <i>“I really mean it as a compliment when I notice you’ve lost weight!”</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">But, well-intentioned friend, <b>just because you’re well-intentioned doesn’t mean what you say doesn’t have a harmful impact.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">Weight loss doesn’t mean I look good. <p style="font-size:16px;">I believe I look good at all of my weights – all bodies are good bodies. <p style="font-size:16px;">And I know your perception of me might have changed because you are socialized to believe smaller is better, but I would like to gently invite you to do something different with your non-pliments of <i>“You look so good!”</i> when someone has lost weight. <p style="font-size:16px;">It’s also important to remember that the well-intentioned friends come in all shapes and sizes, fat, thin, and in-between. <b>1. How About Don’t Talk About It?</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">I strongly subscribe to the philosophy that <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://queerfatfemme.com/2013/10/04/how-to-be-a-good-ally-to-fat-people-who-appear-to-have-lost-weight/%E2%80%9Dhttp:/queerfatfemme.com/2013/06/24/my-bodys-nobodys-business-but-my-own/%E2%80%9D'>my body is nobody’s business but my own</a>. If I want to talk about it with someone, I will and I do. <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>I completely understand the inclination to ask questions about an obvious change.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">I am a naturally inquisitive person. My friends call me the ***** Oprah because of my tendency to really like to get into the meat of people’s stories. <p style="font-size:16px;">But as I’ve learned how to become a more sensitive and compassionate person, I have had to learn that <b>sometimes you <i>just don’t ask</i> and you stay in the dark.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">It feels kind of impossible not to be nosy about it, but I do it anyway because it’s not my business. <p style="font-size:16px;">Also, <i>what if you’re wrong?</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">A friend of mine just said she gets asked all the time if she lost weight when she puts her hair down! <p style="font-size:16px;">Being nosy and being inquisitive are natural things that I am still working on curtailing. But I think it’s worth it to do the work to be sensitive because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. <p style="font-size:16px;">I want my friends to feel like they can be their most vibrant and awesome selves around me. <b>2. Wait for the Person to Bring It Up</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">Have you ever noticed that lots of straight people will out themselves to you within about ten minutes of conversation? Sometimes as short as two. <p style="font-size:16px;">Straight people in a heteropatriarchy are reaffirmed all the time about how great, normal, and important their straightness is. Therefore, they have likely not had the experience of having to hide or code their sexuality to people. <p style="font-size:16px;">They don’t really play the <i>“pronoun” </i>game and affirm their heterosexuality without thinking about it. <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>The same is true for lots of people who have lost weight.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">In a diet-obsessed culture, it is super normalized that weight loss is a good thing. People who are excited about their weight loss will probably bring it up because it is normalized to talk about people’s bodies whether that is right or wrong. <p style="font-size:16px;">So <b>let it happen if it will organically.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">People don’t stop to think about whether or not weight loss might be a sign of someone’s increased health or not. I know many people who have had cancer that lost a lot of weight rapidly. <p style="font-size:16px;"><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://queerfatfemme.com/2013/10/04/how-to-be-a-good-ally-to-fat-people-who-appear-to-have-lost-weight/%E2%80%9Dhttp:/www.candyekane.com/%E2%80%9D'>Candye Kane</a> (an amazing blues singer) said on stage once, <i>“I don’t recommend the cancer diet.”</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">Maybe just <b>ask them what’s going on in their life and talk to them</b> organically. <p style="font-size:16px;">The core questions you have about them may just come to light. But, again, their body is none of your business unless they bring it up. <p style="font-size:16px;">If they do bring up their weight loss in a positive manner, you can do the work of someone working in solidarity with fat people by saying, <i>“I think you look great at any weight, but I’m really glad you feel good in your body right now.”</i> <b>3. Mention a General Compliment That Is More Neutral</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">If you <i>really</i> want to compliment someone because you genuinely think they look good, there are lots of things about someone’s appearance you can go for. <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>Instead of mentioning weight loss thing, if you want to compliment someone, you can go for something else.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;"><i>“Your hair looks great!”</i> Or maybe: <i>“I love this outfit!”</i> <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>There are a bunch of different ways to express positivity to someone that don’t take into account weight loss and reinforce that weight loss is the only way to look good.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">I can see friends who come at me when I’ve lost weight sort of looking for a way to talk about my appearance without going down the wrong road because they know I loved myself X number of pounds ago and they don’t want to bury themselves in the wrong kind of compliment. <b>4. Comment on the Self</b> <p style="font-size:16px;"><i>“You seem particularly present tonight. I don’t know what it is, but you just seem extra YOU today. I love it!”</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">If you must say something to the person, I suggest the foregoing. Kris Ford gave me this quote. <p style="font-size:16px;">I think it’s really great! <p style="font-size:16px;">What a remarkable way to get to the essence of what your weight loss compliment is really about. <p style="font-size:16px;">When we stop to think about what we really mean when we’re talking to people, we might be able to clearly communicate without hurting them. <b>5. Absolutely Don’t Ask Someone What They’re Doing</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">Oh my God, my family is so into this discussion. <p style="font-size:16px;">I zone out when I start to hear diet talk, Weight Watchers, walking the track, whatever new thing they’re doing. <p style="font-size:16px;">I truly believe in <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://queerfatfemme.com/tag/health-at-every-size/'>health at every size</a> and will totally pipe into discussions of fitness, feeling good in your body, and other things from an <i>“All Bodies Are Good Bodies</i>” perspective. <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>But I have <i>heard “What are you doing?”</i> question so many times, and I just absolutely hate it.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">Again, often folks will offer it if they want to. But in general, the<i> “what you’re doing” </i>question is such a standard thing people think is okay to ask, but it’s actually really personal! <p style="font-size:16px;">I have a super close friend I asked this question of because I genuinely had no idea how she had lost weight and wondered. But I’m close enough to her that when she dropped that it was an eating disorder, it was a safe® space to talk about it. <p style="font-size:16px;">I also learned from that moment to <b>tread even a little more lightly with that stuff, to open those kinds of conversations with gentle warnings, or to open slowly.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">Because people who are just hanging out or going about their life maybe don’t want to just talk about their traumas out of the blue because you want to comment on their bodies. <p style="font-size:16px;text-align:center;">*** <p style="font-size:16px;"><b>I struggle with what to say to people when they comment about changes to my weight.</b> <p style="font-size:16px;">True fact about me: I tend to be an emotional non-eater. <p style="font-size:16px;">If I am going through a rough time, I will likely lose some weight. I lost sixty pounds when my fiance left me. And every time someone commented on my weight, I would say, <i>“Bad break-up.”</i> I would kind of grumpily respond to a nonpliment with snark. <p style="font-size:16px;">I don’t always want to do that, but I really leave it up to how I am feeling in that moment. <p style="font-size:16px;">Sometimes I go with, <i>“I think I look great at any size.”</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">Often, especially if it is a friend or loved one, I go with a very long explanation of what lead to my recent weight loss so that they understand what I’m going through, that it’s been a real struggle, and that the weight loss is a byproduct of a larger initiative to resolve a chronic condition I have. <p style="font-size:16px;">Sometimes, I just respond to weight loss nonpliments graciously because it’s not worth the fight. <p style="font-size:16px;">I learned to respond to compliments I didn’t agree with back when I was still self-hating. <p style="font-size:16px;">I would do things like respond to compliments with, <i>“Oh, I don’t look good. I still have xyz wrong with me.”</i> And I replaced that with a simple <i>“thank you”</i> until I was ready to really hear and absorb good things about myself. <p style="font-size:16px;">A friend told me once, <i>“Hi skinny,”</i> in response to weight loss. <p style="font-size:16px;">My response was, <i>“Um, I don’t identify as skinny.”</i> Because anytime I’ve ever lost weight in my life (as someone who has a lifetime of fat experience), I have always been fat. <p style="font-size:16px;">And, in the case of my beloved Grandmother, I accept her compliments graciously and deeply appreciate when my mom pipes in with, <i>“But we love you at any size.”</i> <p style="font-size:16px;">Because sometimes it’s not worth the fight. <p style="font-size:16px;">But it is amazing to have my mom acting in solidarity with my politics and values around all bodies being good bodies at any size. <p style="font-size:16px;">This was not always the case, but working with her in love, respect and compassion through the last twelve years of my participation in body liberation activism, has actually been really rewarding.

Ok, so my text didn't show in the previous post. I said I don't think links are working in the iPhone and iPad apps. Also, HTML tags are being displayed in some messages so I can't read the article that lipstick lady so kindly copied for us. Can't wait for things to get straightened out. But at least it has kept me from hopping over to see that thread in the lap and forum that everyone is worked up about.

Lynda

That's actually a very interesting point. I kept thinking of how much I had spent to be obese. Diets, tricks, clothes, different sizes in clothes, prescriptions. The surgery is much cheaper in comparison isn't it?

. For sure. I probably have spent well over 100 k. Now I will just spend that on my new wardrobe and maybe some plastics. Ha

I'm 5'4" and weighed 258 and got banded. I lost 40 lbs when complications were found with the band and once removed I lost another 8. When I told my supervisor I was going to have to have bypass, she wanted to know why I wanted to lose more weight that I had lost enough already. I too proprotion my weight well, and people didn't realize how overweight I was. So I went into bypass only having to lose 61 lbs. I get compliments daily but they also tell me my pants are getting too big and I just bought them a month ago. Don't think they will ever be happy, but who cares, as long as I am happy with myself that is what counts.