reschedule Rescheduled 3 times! Pre-Op started yesterday - want to run away!

[cmcrider 4]

Three years ago I went to the bariatric seminar planning on having surgery as soon as possible. I walked out telling myself that if I have to wait six months - screw it. I could do it on my own. I'm 50 years old, live like I'm 30, very active socially, and enjoy my Friday night cocktails. Part of my problem is that I actually have a very happy life - with the exception of being too fat to shop in an normal store - and being too fat to even roll over comfortably on a bed, let alone having a normal physical life with my husband (I know - nobody talks about that part - but let's face it, it's reality). Four months ago I went back to the same seminar, told them I had been there three years ago, and was asked "So, how'd that work out for ya?" Clearly, it did not. I was immediately approved due to health issues and scheduled for four weeks out (had my pre-op visits scheduled in advance so it moved very quickly). After my pre-op class I walked out feeling a bit defeated and cheated... the woman teaching it was a surgical failure. Bypass 8 years ago and a band 2 years ago - and still very overweight. My emotions took over and I cancelled my surgery. Rescheduled it and cancelled again. Rescheduled and started my pre-op diet yesterday. Holy He**!!!! I am freaking starving! Is this for real!?!?! Honestly, I'm not sure how this is going to go..... I would love to say "I'm going to be a winner! Rah! Rah!", but past experience has shown me that may not be the case. I also don't want to set my self up for failure. Right now I'm going through the motions until surgery date. Everyone else seems so excited to be getting this done. Is there anyone out there who feels like I do? Just a little uncertain?

[acampbell1318 58]

I feel the same way but I don't have surgery until January! But I am afraid after going thru all the pre-op stuff I will fail after surgery cause I like my sweets and I don't like to exercise.

[cmcrider 4]

It will be an interesting journey. I don't like to exercise, either - and am a total carbo addict. i'm sitting here now trying to keep my eye on the prize while my stomach growls for something. It's interesting how different all the pre-op diets are... some don't seem to have to do any liquid and others have more. Good luck to all of us!

[LMBTX 13]

Hi, I am almost 3 weeks post op and I felt the same way before surgery. I didn't want to do it and everyone else around me seemed a lot more excited for me than I was for myself. I couldn't get excited about having surgery that was not reversible and I was scared. I also went back and forth for several years thinking I could do it myself........especially if I had to be on a liquid diet for 2 months prior to surgery. I am not really sure what finally pushed me to have the surgery, but I did and I am happy I did it. The pre-op diet wasn't easy, but my Dr. said I could have some fruit and Soups with a little bit of stuff in it and pudding, yogurt...etc., and I only had to do it for 6 days prior to surgery. Don't kill yourself with the pre-op diet. The surgery will be fine. Good luck with everything and let me know if you need to talk! I paid cash, so I had my surgery within about 10 days of my visit. I think that made it better, because I wouldn't have gone through with it if it had been a 6 month wait.

[nay2120 2]

I wish I could say some words of wisdom to help.

I will say that I have a wonderful life also, but I'm not happy. Maybe that's part of the difference. I am tired of being the heaviest in my group of friends. I miss my physical relationship with my husband. He's over weight also. We joke & say only one of us can be overweight. I am tired of not wanting to do anything bx I feel like I won't fit in. I hate that I can't go into any store & buy clothes or even shoes. I can only get my bras online bx even Lane Bryant doesn't carry my size. I feel trapped in this body & I want help to get out.

For those reasons, & so many more, I am so excited about finally taking control of my life & body.

I know that people don't always succeed at this, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I am trying really hard to realize that when I make bad food choices, my body feels crappy, my self worth feels crappy. I can control this.

I am on a 2 week 3 Protein shakes a day preop. I have just finished the 1st week. My surgery is 9/3. I will say that the 1st 4 day were hell. I cried every day. But even though I cried & felt sorry for myself, I didn't cheat. Not one lick or bite. My resolve is much too strong now. I am now not hungy at all. I have to force myself to have 3 shakes. I NEVER thought I would get to this point. I will say also that seeing the scale drop every day feels like a personal victory.

[cmcrider 4]

_{Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! I wholeheartedly agree nay2120 - i'm pretty sure saying i'm happy with my life is a defense mechanism i use to get through the day. i also do all my shopping online. and, although my husband works out regularly, he is starting to gain weight. food took the place of sex in our lives. it needs to stop or we'll both be bedbound and have the news at our house while they take out the wall to get us out. LMBTX - thanks to you, too. it's nice to know i'm not alone out here!}

[TwinsMama 483]

Here's my story. I've never typed the whole thing out just pieces of it...

3 years ago I considered surgery with my friend who had RnY. I was always good at losing weight just could not keep it off. Plus my PCP was reluctant because she said I was still childbearing age and healthy (no comorbidities). So I went along with her and tried lots of medically supervised diets.

2 years ago, I was at work and got the call that my M-I-L dropped dead. This was a healthy woman who just dropped dead. When my husband's family asked why, the Dr literally dismissed them and said well she was overweight (50 lbs), that's what we're writing down, but if you really want to know, you can pay for an autopsy.

In shock, we just couldn't do the autopsy. That crushed all of us because she was the nicest woman you could ever meet. I loved her like she were my own mother. I looked at her husband of 44 years and her grown sons and thought...there is no way I will do this to my kids. If I drop dead, they won't be able to cop to weight...they'll HAVE to figure out why I died.

So last year I made my mind up and told my PCP I wasn't going to try any more of her "diets". I was going to do this, with or without her. She wrote the referral that visit.

You see, I've never had low self-esteem about my weight, always had a great sex life (never ashamed of my body naked), have lots of friends, and even at 375 lbs (my heaviest) men would ask me out constantly. I found that no matter my size if I was comfortable with myself, life was fine.

But the thought of dropping dead and leaving my family with no answer, was NOT an option. So I did this to get healthy not skinny not self-esteem. I've never had any health problems (other than slight anemia) and literally love my life and lifestyle. However, if me not eating cake, or Cookies (my fave sugar treat) means my kids get an answer when I die, it is so worth it to me.

[SpecialK1960 252]

In your reply you said something important - IT'S A JOURNEY. But so is life. The question is, are you going to be a driver or a passenger? You said you live an active life - well, that may be true to some extent. But that is only active as you know it - active in the eyes and mind of a large person. If you choose to move forward - and I will have more to say on that in a minute - you will find that what you used to think was an active life was a fraction of what lies ahead. The sleeping is better, life is better, you feel good about yourself (maybe for the first time in years) and yes, the sex is better -WAY BETTER and way more frequent. Becuase you want it more, because it feels better and becuase no matter how much you are loved, looking better makes a difference. It just does. I know that because now I am officially a Hottie again. LOLx10. I still enjoy a few beers now and then - I did not for quite a while, but now I do and it is working fine for me. BUT,here is my sage advice. Make sure that you really want to do this. If you are on the fence and not comitted to that journey - with all its ups and downs and rocky roads - you are far far less likely to feel good about your decision, you may even regret it, and may unintentionally (?) undermine your success. What concerns me the most is that on day one of the liquid diet you are having second thoughts. That is really troubling. It gets way worse before it gets better. Heck, on day one I was thinking that it was not so bad. Day 10 -- I was a bit gritchy, but not day 1. After surgery, I had problems eating certain foods and had problems keeping food down for a while, but now a year out all is settled and my body and I are friends again and food is not an issue. I think you need to really decide what you want. I say that becuase it isn't an easy path and there is no turning back. It is a life changing decision and a lifestyle changing decision. So think it through. Now as for me, I can only say this - I look frickin' great, I am not self conscious anymore, I have all new clothes - good stuff baby - Versace, Halston coture, you know why?, because I look good, I deserve it, I have earned it and because I am never going to be fat again. And guess what else, I am chasing my wife around the house like a bad looney tunes cartoon. We have gone from one time per two to three weeks to 3 times a week and some times twice on Saturday - just because I can. And now that I am 100 pounds lighter I can catch her every time. She used run between the sofa and the arm chair and I had to go all the way around and she would get away... not any more. Although I am pretty sure she lets me catch her - because she wants to be caught by her svelte husband. Way more fun than her old fat one. And almost 1.5 inches more of a husband and less of a belly (TMI?). I think that is why she slows down on the corners. So a little humor, a little sage advice, and all the best wishes. Read as much as you can on this site. There is every experience, every perspective, and people that are so willing to help and be there for you as much as possible. THHHH That's all Folks......

[cmcrider 4]

^{Everyone raises very good points that need to be considered. Regarding "the journey" - yes, it's a lifelong one. My anxiety comes from having done this multiple times before - up to 80 lbs on my own - and always gaining it back through the years for one reason or another - oh wait, one reason - i eat too much and make poor choices. My doubts on day 1 have to do with the expectation that we go from eating "whatever" on day 15 prior to surgery to drinking all our food on day 14. that's a tough nut to crack - but has to be done to get through. knowing myself - i know that i find things most difficult in the beginning and they get easier as it goes on. i expect by day 5 i will be more in the groove and feeling good about having lost a couple lbs. VST Addict - i truly appreciate - and enjoy your candor! please keep in touch! never TMI - always good perspective to hear the truth. i've been "fat connie" so long - i'm ready to just be "connie" and enjoy life to the fullest instead of telling myself it's ok the way it is}

[Karnie 66]

In your reply you said something important - IT'S A JOURNEY. But so is life. The question is, are you going to be a driver or a passenger? You said you live an active life - well, that may be true to some extent. But that is only active as you know it - active in the eyes and mind of a large person. If you choose to move forward - and I will have more to say on that in a minute - you will find that what you used to think was an active life was a fraction of what lies ahead. The sleeping is better, life is better, you feel good about yourself (maybe for the first time in years) and yes, the sex is better -WAY BETTER and way more frequent. Becuase you want it more, because it feels better and becuase no matter how much you are loved, looking better makes a difference. It just does. I know that because now I am officially a Hottie again. LOLx10. I still enjoy a few beers now and then - I did not for quite a while, but now I do and it is working fine for me. BUT,here is my sage advice. Make sure that you really want to do this. If you are on the fence and not comitted to that journey - with all its ups and downs and rocky roads - you are far far less likely to feel good about your decision, you may even regret it, and may unintentionally (?) undermine your success. What concerns me the most is that on day one of the liquid diet you are having second thoughts. That is really troubling. It gets way worse before it gets better. Heck, on day one I was thinking that it was not so bad. Day 10 -- I was a bit gritchy, but not day 1. After surgery, I had problems eating certain foods and had problems keeping food down for a while, but now a year out all is settled and my body and I are friends again and food is not an issue. I think you need to really decide what you want. I say that becuase it isn't an easy path and there is no turning back. It is a life changing decision and a lifestyle changing decision. So think it through. Now as for me, I can only say this - I look frickin' great, I am not self conscious anymore, I have all new clothes - good stuff baby - Versace, Halston coture, you know why?, because I look good, I deserve it, I have earned it and because I am never going to be fat again. And guess what else, I am chasing my wife around the house like a bad looney tunes cartoon. We have gone from one time per two to three weeks to 3 times a week and some times twice on Saturday - just because I can. And now that I am 100 pounds lighter I can catch her every time. She used run between the sofa and the arm chair and I had to go all the way around and she would get away... not any more. Although I am pretty sure she lets me catch her - because she wants to be caught by her svelte husband. Way more fun than her old fat one. And almost 1.5 inches more of a husband and less of a belly (TMI?). I think that is why she slows down on the corners. So a little humor, a little sage advice, and all the best wishes. Read as much as you can on this site. There is every experience, every perspective, and people that are so willing to help and be there for you as much as possible. THHHH That's all Folks......

Wow! What an amazing story! I know I didn't start this topic but your story is an inspiration to ME! I love the confidence and I am sooooooo looking forward to my designer clothes....becuz I'm worth it! Congrats on your success and thank you for sharing!!

[SpecialK1960 252]

I know sometimes I ramble on a bit but feel that 2 sentence replies often do not tell someone enough of the story to really be of value. And since I have a big mouth, it comes pretty natural.

I will say one thing that really helped me stick with my diet post surgery - well, two things. First, 85% of my stomach was in a dumpster behind Medical City Hospital - that said, it was much easier not to eat too much, because it was fricking impossible. I don't care what Jeff Foxorthy says you can not get a Cadillac in a doghouse. And you can't get a large pizza in a tiny stomach. The second thing that helped was that if I ate too fast - especially at first - I got sick. So, it was not all willpower - it was simply the absolute limitations that kept me 100% honest for a full 6 months. By then the 75+ pounds that were gone was enough to keep me focused.

I wish you the best of luck - I know you'll do fine - and if you have a bad day - drop me a note and I will put "fat" Connie in her place and tell her it is time to get out of town - becuase HOT Connie is on her way.... And once you start looking better, I'd invest in some good running shoes - not for the excercise, but so you can get away from your man if you ever need to.... and mace and a billy club and a tazer (although I think I am starting to like that, LOL) BZZZT BZZZT - Best of Luck.

[JourneyToLife 119]

Special K1960, thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom and humor. You are a great inspiration to me as we'll. I'm a bit nervous myself but, in reading these forums especially ones like yours really puts it all into perspective. Thank you...

[SpecialK1960 252]

This is a scary deal. It is major surgery and it changes your life - FOREVER. This is not the band (tighter, looser, tighter) There is no cheating. But when you are ready - and I think we reach a point when we know - its different for all of us.... but when you reach that point, and it is time for a change ... all I can say is that this worked for me. I am not sure what the experts say, and I am sure you can cheat even with the sleeve and undermine your success. But the sleeve is a permanent life changer - and if you do not succeed on the sleeve - you are just not trying. It does everything it can - the rest is up to us. I am proud of my success. But I am lucky - I know that. And I wish everyone had the opportunity that I had to make that change - there are people that would give anything to have the surgery and they can't afford it - or can't get or do not have insurance.... BUT please to all that read my dribbling, I am a big fan and super advocate for the surgery: BUT BUT BUT, it was NOT easy, I had eating problems for months - I could smell Chinese food and throw up - heck one time I just rode by a Korean guy on my bike and I almost tossed my Cookies - Just kidding. I could not eat any Tomato sauce - GRRRRR, that stuff is soft and blends up well, the perfect soft food - not for me.... made me sick. It took time to adjust - and for my wife to adjust - remember I was a fat guy - I ate for fun and because I loved food - it shaped my life - so when I could no longer go to the Chinese buffet (they pulled all the good stuff off when they saw me coming - LOL) - My wife could not either - no Italian - It really changed our lives - the rotten kids are gone (I can say that they don't read this, besides only one is rotten, the other is an angel - ain't that always the way??) and so we are on our second honeymoon - we ate out a lot. It was just us. But the surgery changed that. Now a year later it is no big deal - but for many months it was a change - for both of us. So please do not let my enthusiasm for the surgery ever make it seem like it is a cake walk (THERE IS NO CAKE ON THE SLEEVE!! - at least for a while) It was tough for me and it will be tough for everyone - some more than others - but for me it was worth it. I know I have been blabbering on again - not my fault, I always get silly when I have been working with spray paint in enclosed spaces. Just kidding - it was airplane fuel not spray paint.... I think its all kinda fuzzy now. Seriously, the surgery was the best thing I have done since making my wife marry me and that was 25 years ago - poor thing....

[TwinsMama 483]

^{My doubts on day 1 have to do with the expectation that we go from eating "whatever" on day 15 prior to surgery to drinking all our food on day 14. that's a tough nut to crack}

This is why despite the "hoops" Kaiser puts us through, I really value their 6 month plan. Even though I was ready by the time I entered the program, I can't fathom not having those 6 months that turned into a year of prep time.

There is so much that goes into having this surgery and the hardest part is post-op for the rest of your life. To not have had time to prepare for the mental gymnastics of post-op, pre-op, I would be lost.

I understand your point, but you can make the choice to not go this alone. You can meet with a Nut, attend a few support groups (usually free at any hospital that does bariatric surgery), and even look up eating plans to help prepare for surgery. These could have been done once you determined surgery was for you.

All in all, I guess I'm a bit stumped as to why you didn't do more research/work prior to this point. Maybe you did, but it seems like perhaps you didn't consider making any pre-op changes after the decision was made.

Cm, I'm not coming down on you, I just hope you realize the seriousness of this surgery. I was one of the few with complications and even with all my research and talking to other post-ops, nothing can prepare you for the journey you'll be going through...even under the best circumstances.

[cmcrider 4]

To all who have commented.... i thank you for your input... but, i'm finding that many of those who have had the surgery seem to be a bit harsh and may have lost their understanding - or are just too different from me to relate to. TwinsMama - I have researched this EXTENSIVELY for three entire years. I would be a moron not to have done that. In fact, my knowledge base on both the physical and mental aspects of the procedure and lifestyle required are so extensive that two doctors I've spoke to thought I had a medical background. i've been on chat boards, blogs, seen nutritionists, doctors, and know I'm not "alone" - i was just hoping to find people who felt the same way i do, and have/had the same concerns. It is the "process" i find to be bu*****. it is the moneymaking i find to be bul****. THAT is what i have a problem with - along with the new statistics that show over 50% of people gain the weight back throughout a period of 5 years - and that those numbers are likely much higher considering the people that don't report back to their doctors and aren't included in the statistics. My own doctor's staff member has had staggering weight gain - along with multiple other people I know. Nobody is immune to the possibility that this weight will come back.

Yes, I considered making changes prior to this. I tried making changes - and my inability to do so is what makes me a true candidate for the surgery. i have an eating disorder. i need help. it takes a desperate person to go get more than half of their stomach cut out and give up so much for the remainder of their lives. The fact that i'm fully aware nothing can prepare me is what makes me exceptionally nervous - exceptionally cautious - and exceptionally uncertain. If I could have gone through the prep easily I wouldn't be having this surgery at all. I'd be continuing the prep as a way to lose weight rather than having someone make me physically unable to overeat.

No one can be 100% certain as to what their actions will be until they are in a situation. Accepting that as a human being leaves me room to be comfortable with my uncertainty. I'd be an a** to go into this saying "Oh Boy - this is going to be great! I'm going to be skinny and life will be grand."

In short, everyone is entitled to their thoughts. I woke up this morning feeling very positive about the situation and after reading a few comments on this site i'm a little floored.

Now I understand why a few people pm'ed me instead of posting publicly. There are a handful out there with the same concerns I have - they just didn't make them public. Good luck to all of you. May your journey be smooth and your goal come to you.