To ignore or grin and bear my 90 year old grandmother

[BKLYNgal87 503]

My obesity and my toxic relationship with my paternal grandmother have gone hand in hand since before I can remember. She has always been one to project her insecurities and low self-esteem onto me (and before me, my dad) and it did me no favors growing up. She was always nitpicking, always dieting, always telling me to be on a diet, always cheating on her diet, always encouraging me to cheat on my diet. She would scold me for being fat with one hand and push a plate of fattening food at me with the other. It's a Jewish thing I guess. She is a lover of backhanded compliments (you have such a pretty face - but no one will notice it with that body). She has a sick way of twisting words and intentions to make it seem like all she does is love and care about me, and that's why she puts me down. Even if she cared about me, she never learned how to express it in the right way no matter how many times she was lectured or ignored by me.

As she has gotten older, you'd think her senility would soften her demeanor but for the most part it hasn't. It only makes her repeat herself more.Her behavior crushed my self-esteem and I began to associate shame with food. I would snack in secret. I would hate that I was fat but then stuff my face because it was the only thing that made me feel better. I went into food addiction therapy for a while, and I learned a lot of great skills. My counselor (and my parents) supported my decisions, even when I estranged myself from my grandmother for nearly two years. But she's getting on in her years. I don't know how long she has left. I don't want to feel any guilt when she's gone that I was too petty and weak to grin and bear it but I also have come too far to start sabotaging myself again.

She was happy for me when I had the surgery - it was a long time coming - in her words. She was pretty supportive for a while. But last night on the phone, after I told her from my highest weight I've lost nearly 45 lbs, she matter-of-factly informed me that I would never be thin. I would always be a "bigger" girl. No one in her family was ever thin and I would be no different. I'm too big boned. My brother and my cousin got the good genes and I got saddled with the bad ones. I will never look like them. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like I was 10 again. My mom pointedly remarked later that no one in their family was ever thin because they all ate whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I know that to be true. But I can't shake the hurt feelings I have. I have come a long way since I was a teenager. But my grandmother is who she is and our relationship will never change.

How do you all deal with toxic family relationships? Part of me wants to shut her out again so that I can focus on my weight loss journey and succeed. The other part of me feels bad and frustrated that I'm not strong enough to withstand the lifelong obtuseness of a bitter old lady. I need to succeed at this. My life depends on it. But it would be nice to have a clear conscience too. It's also nice to vent sometimes.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

I only have one toxic quasi-family relationship, and the way I deal with it is I pretty much restrict my communication with this person to written letters. Older people especially love to receive written letters. I can write this person and tell her all about what is going on in my life, what I think about current affairs, etc. etc. and never have to have the "conversation" steered back to something hurtful. When I get a letter back (not all that often) I can read it then, read it later, or just chuck it, depending on how I am feeling. And I find that people who don't hesitate to be hurtful when speaking with you verbally (or even via email) are a lot nicer when putting an actual pen to actual paper.

This way I don't feel bad about cutting someone out of my life, but I manage our interaction a lot more. And I keep my own negative feelings/hurt out of my correspondence entirely -- I make it entirely positive and upbeat, try to write down my memories of our good times together, etc., to encourage a similar response.

[angry 158]

Im so sorry this is your experience I have a family member that is very close to me that sounds similar to your grandma. I have not completely cut that person off because I dont want to feel bad about myself when they die, however I do not have any type of genuine relationship with them at all. I call and or text for holidays/birthdays and have polite conversations rarely but for the most part I do not tell them any personal information about my life and I do not deal with her often. What I have learned over the years is that my problem with her really still stems from a problem that I have with standing up to her and shutting her crap down. I know this is your grandma, but you can still tell her in a polite and respectful way that the things she is saying are hurtful and that you dont want to hear her opinion on the matter. I have found that establishing and enforcing boundaries with my individual are the only way I could continue the relationship without having it come at to significant an emotional cost to me.

[TwinsMama 483]

My friend went through this her whole life with her Dad. So nope, not just a Jewish thing. Her Dad always gave her a hard way to go because she was the only one of her siblings to not ever be thin.

She is shaped EXACTLY like her Mom, who her Dad adores but he never saw that. I mean they could be twins really. He used the "no child of a military man should be overweight".

For YEARS she has been in therapy. She had the sleeve surgery this year and realized, no matter what, he would always have something to find to say unkind to her. So, she stopped engaging with him.

Sure she loves him and her Mom but she limits the time she spends around him. I watched her over the years go to much darker places because of him. Finally she decided it was enough and she is literally thriving.

OP, I really hope you can find your strength to just disengage. I think it would be so helpful for you overall.

[TwinsMama 483]

I have not completely cut that person off because I dont want to feel bad about myself when they die, however I do not have any type of genuine relationship with them at all. I call and or text for holidays/birthdays and have polite conversations rarely but for the most part I do not tell them any personal information about my life and I do not deal with her often.

I hate that people who treat others bad, still get allowances to treat others bad. You should certainly NOT feel guilty about not keeping in contact with abusive people. It makes me so angry that we women (usually it is us) are taught to "keep the peace, play nice, forgive" even the worst people.

Why would it would be so bad to cut them off? People treat us how they are allowed (by us) to treat us. As a child we unfortunately don't have any choice usually in the matter. However as a grown woman, I've cut toxic people out of my life and I sleep awesomely at night for it.

My Dad's family has some of the most negative people on the planet. Those that are toxic I don't have any association with (I figured this out as a young teenager). Sure I see them from time to time but on MY TERMS. I learned a long time ago that not everyone blood relation is family. I get to choose who I let in my life and I take that choice very seriously.

I hope your family member comes around, if not, do what you need to do to be healthy physically and mentally.

Ok stepping off my Women's Empowerment Soapbox.

[BKLYNgal87 503]

Written communication instead of in person or verbal - I love it lol! But alas she calls me every other day. I don't know how long I'd get away with merely not returning her calls without having to give an explanation. Thankfully I won't have to see her until Thanksgiving. I have some time to build up my mental faculties.

My parents support my desire to limit communication. Well, my dad scolded me until I reminded him that he limits communication with her for the same reason. My fiance is a different story. He's from a culture where loyalty to one's parents or elders must always be unwaivering. He doesn't get why I can't just ignore the reprehensible things she says. He, of course, has never had a problem with his weight or food .

[BKLYNgal87 503]

I know this is your grandma, but you can still tell her in a polite and respectful way that the things she is saying are hurtful and that you dont want to hear her opinion on the matter. I have found that establishing and enforcing boundaries with my individual are the only way I could continue the relationship without having it come at to significant an emotional cost to me.

Been there, done that I'm afraid. All it gets me is her crying for days saying all she does is care about her grandchildren. We're the center of her world and she does what she does because she loves us so much. Even when she was much younger, logic never worked on her. What I have learned after years and years of this is that it's not about us at all. She doesn't do it because she loves me, she does it because she hates herself. She hates herself and she's always been unhappy with her life and the only thing that seems to make her feel better is taking other people down with her.

[gmanbat 5,889]

90 is not too old to grow up. Tell her how she sounds, how she comes off to you, question if she really loves you, show her that she is her own worst enemy, tune her up.

At any age, a brat is a brat. Spank her butt.....respectfully.

[TwinsMama 483]

All it gets me is her crying for days saying all she does is care about her grandchildren. She doesn't do it because she loves me, she does it because she hates herself. She hates herself and she's always been unhappy with her life and the only thing that seems to make her feel better is taking other people down with her.

This so much...people who hurt others do it because it is about them and their "issues" not the person they hurt. You manage to be very insightful about this whole situation...kudos to you!!

As for the crying, that drives me insane. I had to once tell someone, you don't get to cry when you hurt me AND you don't get to decide how long I get to be mad about what YOU did. Crying is often used as a means to control and throw the other person off. Don't let her do that.

I'm so glad you're able to be objective and see all this manipulation for what it is.

[gmanbat 5,889]

As for the crying, that drives me insane. I had to once tell someone, you don't get to cry when you hurt me AND you don't get to decide how long I get to be mad about what YOU did. Crying is often used as a means to control and throw the other person off. Don't let her do that.

True that!

Also, Water from eyes does not sincerity assure. I can produce it with nothing more than a mental rerun of Old Yeller.

[notime 340]

You could try what I did with my mother. She is 89 and obsesses over her own weight problems, too. I know she meant well when she discussed my weight, but, as you know, it can still hurt. I told her talking about my weight was not allowed--not even positive comments as I lost weight.. I was firm and she has honored my rule. If she hadn't, I would have been even firmer the next time around. For her, the weight discussions are a habit, a bad one, but a habit. Dealing with the problem directly was the answer for me and is certainly better than cutting off someone who is a good person with a bad habit.

[BKLYNgal87 503]

You could try what I did with my mother. She is 89 and obsesses over her own weight problems' date=' too. I know she meant well when she discussed my weight, but, as you know, it can still hurt. I told her talking about my weight was not allowed--not even positive comments as I lost weight.. I was firm and she has honored my rule. If she hadn't, I would have been even firmer the next time around. For her, the weight discussions are a habit, a bad one, but a habit. Dealing with the problem directly was the answer for me and is certainly better than cutting off someone who is a good person with a bad habit. [/quote']

Glad you found that your mother is a good person at heart. Not every old lady is. My grandmother and her sisters case in point. My great aunt was an unrepentant racist and an abusive mother. My grandmother may not be as outright evil as her sister but she still has plenty of pathological qualities. Making other people feel as crappy as she does is only one of them.

[Michellemo 161]

I would tell grandma that your looks, surgery and weight loss are off limits. If she can't stop abusing you with words then I would cut off ties with her. Just because someone is family does not give them the right to abuse you!

[No game 14,436]

Op,

Do you think your nana cares about and loves you? Or do you think she says these things out of contempt for you?

I had a Vovô (grandfather) he was from the old country and could not communicate without yelling it seemed or pissing someone off.

Even in his last years he was hell on wheels!

I can't tell you how many times he disowned me because he couldn't control me. He said really stupid hurtful things. When I was younger sometimes they hurt pretty bad. But as I got older I just laughed every time he said something wrong or hurtful. Which by the way made him more pissed!

But I have to say, I loved that old bastard something fierce. I knew in my heart he loved me too. He was raised in a family and a time much different than I.. His lack of education and ability to express feelings shaped him. And I saw his frustration on a daily basis trying to communicate. I made boundaries yes, and if he crossed those and became abusive verbally I would walk away or end the phone call and tell him why. So not perfect but it worked because he was my Vovô. I understood his limitations and chose to love him anyway, and accept his "imperfect" love back.

[BKLYNgal87 503]

Op,

Do you think your nana cares about and loves you? Or do you think she says these things out of contempt for you?

I had a Vovô (grandfather) he was from the old country and could not communicate without yelling it seemed or pissing someone off.

Even in his last years he was hell on wheels!

I can't tell you how many times he disowned me because he couldn't control me. He said really stupid hurtful things. When I was younger sometimes they hurt pretty bad. But as I got older I just laughed every time he said something wrong or hurtful. Which by the way made him more pissed!

But I have to say, I loved that old bastard something fierce. I knew in my heart he loved me too. He was raised in a family and a time much different than I.. His lack of education and ability to express feelings shaped him. And I saw his frustration on a daily basis trying to communicate. I made boundaries yes, and if he crossed those and became abusive verbally I would walk away or end the phone call and tell him why. So not perfect but it worked because he was my Vovô. I understood his limitations and chose to love him anyway, and accept his "imperfect" love back.

Even abusive people can "love" those they hurt. Doesn't mean they deserve to be loved back for their actions. Doesn't mean the pain they cause should be tolerated. I'm not saying my grandmother is abusive but she's not a good person on the facade and even less so deep down. She certainly doesn't put me down about my weight issues because she loves me. I learned that a long time ago. She does it because she hates things in me that remind her of herself. If tough love was her way of caring about someone, why does she always rave about how perfect my cousin is and put her up on some silver pedastle even though she's a complete screw up who always gets fired from menial jobs and still lives at home? According to my grandmother, she's perfect because she's skinny and beautiful and nothing else counts in life apparently. Good to know that in reality beauty alone doesn't pay the bills.

I am trying to do everything I can to be successful at weight loss this time around. It's a tough battle to wage alone and so I am grateful for the people in my life who are supportive and always have been. But I need to strictly limit interactions with people who are at best not supportive or at worst toxic, lest I stop moving forward. I like the letter suggestions I received here. I may just send postcards instead to keep it short and sweet.