gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Interesting feedback from my counselor. It is so funny, I tend to see myself as so messed up and she really doesn't.

What she said is that anxiety spells like I get are a learned response, neuropathways are established for my brain to react to triggers. I may not even recognize the triggers all the time, as it is seldom an "event". It comes from my traumatic childhood and I used obesity and food for decades to quiet the internal noise and that is why I wasn't really aware of the problem until post weight loss.

So, the way to fix it besides the distraction techniques I use (exercise, go out with friends, do farm work etc) is to simply learn to tolerate them. In other words, the amp up happens, then use deep breathing or other exercises to manage through it. Over time, new neurophathways start forming and the brain/body finds a new response to whatever the triggers are.

I am not very good at that because it is like I can't stand feeling emotionally bad. I have been successful a few times at changing the pattern like she said, but it isn't easy.

Years ago, i went to an eating disorders clinic. They assessed that i didn't have an eating disorder, but rather the disordered eating where I used food as an emotional ballast. Like, things start getting dicey and I would numb myself with food. I think that is really true and i am paying the price for a lifetime of that behavior now. Not only do I not eat like that anymore, food doesn't actually numb me so it wouldn't work even if I wanted it to.

It does give me a lot of hope though that this is learned behavior that i can unlearn.

[M2G 1,836]

Awwww, Coops, happy birthday, I love that you share it with your daughter, but make sure you Celebrate YOU also, k? We tend to take the backseat in life, as being wife, mom, (for you teacher, etc.) all come first and we put ourselves last. 2 years ago for my bday I asked 3 friends to go downtown Denver with me, I got a hotel room, tickets to a comedy show and went to a fondue restaurant ...I don't do that EVERY year but once in while it's okay to make something be all about YOU! Hugs girlie! I'm sure Betty was so happy...lol at Fosters...is that beer? It's hard seeing them grow up isn't it??

Denise, so glad you are enjoying CA, and the warm weather. I'm glad you snapped out of your funk, and I hope the appt with the mask, CPAP stuff goes well.

Florinda, I would LOVE to see the pics of your new beautiful clothing! I agree with Sue that those jeans sound too big. Ditch them for something more fitted.

Sheryl glad the funk seems to be at bay...I hope this good feeling continues.

Cathy, so so so much stress! I'm up in lbs also and have no one to blame but myself. Sigh. I just can't seem to get myself together and I don't know why. I'm doing good with exercise but my eating is just crap. Ugh. I know what I NEED to do I just can't seem to MAKE myself DO IT! Hang in there with house stuff, soon you will be all settled and ready to tackle something other than packing, moving and stressing!

Edited April 22, 2014 by M2G

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Denise, I am taking half a dose of lexapro every other day as I notice it either puts me to sleep or jazzes me up like crazy. I am not sure this is going to work out, but I know it takes time. I am just happy that I no longer feel down in the dumps, anti social, want to stay in bed kind of thing. I don't know if I can attribute it to the lexapro or not, like I said, counselor doesn't think I am depressed at all, just grief stricken.

So glad to hear about everybody - challenges, but progress in life too, right? The pounds bounce around a little, but in the end, this is a very very successful little group of sleevers! I am continually amazed and impressed and overjoyed at being able to maintain weight loss. I know I still have a very very long road, but it just finally seems possible, you know?

Okay, I need fashion advice too. I am going to "try again" with dating but have found a new on-road that I think will work better.... meeting people via social events like meetups, hiking groups etc. I am very outgoing and it is easy for me to join groups like that as long as they are at least a little bit welcoming. Okay, when I go to a movie night (last Friday), or a wine tasting night (this friday!) I tend to wear jeans and a nice top. Skinny, skin tight, jeans as they are the fashion and frankly look better on me than the boot cut type i wear for horse riding. Seems like most of my tops are black and so I am trying to get a little more colorful stuff without spending a fortune so i went to Ross Dress for Less. I struggle at times since I hate looking dowdy, but i don't want to look like I am trying to be overly sexy either. I was trying on this red top, with black sheer over the shoulders. The red bodice part flares out below the waist - I think they call it a peplum style? Anyway, the red, the black, the really close fit around the boobs and waist... I was going..eh... I don't know. A lady in the dressing room said "I can tell by the look on your face you aren't sure about that top, but it looks amazing on you - buy it!". For 7.99 I took the chance, but I just want to be sure it is not in horrible taste. I will try to get a photo later. One of the problems is that in Seattle everybody wears tshirts and fleece - so few women my age actually "dress" that I feel like a weirdo already. Even so, I like looking good, so it is a balancing act. I should consider living in a city with a bit more fashion flair! ha!

Oh, and I am trying to muster the fortitude to end things with Steven now, I know it is time but i have a way of hanging on to things and people way too long.... and it is hard for me. I feel like I have lost so much, I tend to hold on tight to things even if they aren't really suitable for me anymore. I care for him, but I don't really get what I used to get out of it and I am getting ready for more than he can possibly offer. I think he is ready for it to end too for his own reasons, and it would be easy for me to do it - if I could just get the words out of my mouth...lol. If I don't, I suspect he will do it soon anyway as he has become very interested in pursuing a spirtual path and at 66 is finding a physical relationship less and less alluring....

Hope everybody has a great day.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Sheryl, I am really glad you're enjoying the meetup groups, I am sure it's better to meet someone in person than online. As far as the Lexapro goes, i am glad to hear you're taling a very low dose. When I took it, I had the amped up feeling so bad, I wanted to climb the walls. Those SSRI's are nothing to mess with, unless someone plans to take them indefinitely.

I get a lot of clothes from Ross. They have some really good deals in there. Also, Maurice's . They have really cute clothes but they are expensive. I only buy stuff on clearance there. I got a really cute pair of boots there on clearance for $7 I've heard TJ max has cute stuff for cheap too, but I don't have one around me.

I don't know what to do about this Constipation. I know it's from the Iron I take. I am not going to take it while I am on this trip. yesterday, I was so constipated, I hated to use the bathroom in the motel with Bill so close in the room. I finally managed to go, but it was hell. I took a laxative last night and this morning everything went fine, but i don't want to do that often. I know people swear about Miralax, but I read something where it causes kidney damage, and my mom was using it, and died of kidney failure.

[coops 1,790]

Shelia, yea, Fosters is larger! She loves it... not like her mother who loves a cold cider! I did have a nice birthday, to be honest, I enjoyed watching Betty and her friends have a laugh... a few of them spent time with me too ... basically watching me prepare the food...lol...I celebrated 'my' birthday the next day in the pub! Hahahaaaa...

I've down loaded some pics from Paris,

Mini Cooper ...lol

[UK Cathy 977]

Paris looks like it was lots of fun.

[sarsar 824]

Sue, how fun! You are so adorable! Love the pics.

Sorry I went MIA for a bit. My boys are on spring break so we decided to take a few days and head south to KY to visit my daughter. What a nice relaxing weekend! I wish I could have stayed there forever. I am very ready to be out of WI. I guess we will know when the time is right.

We came home to reality as my inlaws are still having issues. My mil seems to be having more issues. She was found outside by the car in the garage with her bags packed trying to leave her house. Thankfully she didn't find any car keys. I'm not sure how she got out bc the doors were supposed to be locked. My fil is trying to recover from open heart surgery and he cannot take care of her the way he needs to but he is not coming to grips with what is really going on here. He keeps thinking she will get better. We keep telling him her brain doesn't work right anymore. He is 85 and she is almost 88 so it's not as though they are younger older people. They are hitting almost 90. It is such a mess and I don't know what's going to happen. I have a bil who lives nearby the inlaws and he is also in denial of how bad things really are so he's making things worse.

Then to top it off, my dad ended up in the hospital today because he was having some issues with his heart. So things are still crazy around here.

I was thinking the other day that I'm so happy I'm at a normal weight now because when I was obese all of this would have been so much harder to handle.

Sorry I haven't been able to come on here and encourage all of you as much as I would like. It's just not possible right now. Please know I think about all of you and I know one day things will slow down and I will have more time to be around.

Sheryl, on our trip to KY and Nashville, I saw lots of horses. I thought of you. Glad you are feeling better. Congrats on the weight loss even though it didn't happen under the best of circumstances. I hope things are looking up for you. I read that your counselor says you aren't depressed but it's grief. When I read that I wondered what the difference is? Did she tell you? I feel like depression in some ways is terrible grief? Oh, I also wanted to ask if the plastics surgeon said anything about losing weight after surgery? Is there a certain amount you can lose before it might have a negative affect (or is it effect) on your results?

Georgia, I know this is late but a few days ago you asked about our shapes. I am a total pear. Tiny on the top with bigger butt and hips. I have always been this way and it hasn't changed. Most of the skin I want removed is on my butt/hips.

I know I wanted to respond to more of you but I need to run and pick up my son from baseball. I'll try to get on again later.

Denise, any news on the pregnant ex? I seriously have a hard time believing she is pregnant. What is Bill saying about all of this?

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Oh yeah, she sent him a copy of her stinking chart notes from her visit to her OB doctor and a copy of the blood test results.

 

We ar both freaking out. He wants nothing to do with her but next week he plans to call her and find out if she plans to put his name down on the birth certificate.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

141.9

I am eating again but still losing, slowly now though.

The rule of thumb is to stay within 10% of your weight at time of plastics. I was 150 so that gives me a range of 135 to 165.

I didn't ask the definition but in my mind clinical depression is a brain chemical thing whereas grief is a mourning.

Trouble sleeping so I am exhausted this morning

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so teerful all the time. Bill took me for Indian food which I have never had before. I hated it. It was so hot and spicy. I went into the bathroom and started crying. It's ridiculous. I've never been this way before, crying at the drop of a hat.

 

Maybe I need an anti depressant too. I don't feel depressed but it's a little strange to me that all someone has to do is give me a weird look  to bring teers to my eyes.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am shocked you haven't had Indian food - but I live in the land of Microsoft where there are many many tech workers from India and lots of Indian restaurants. Not all of it is hot and spicy, much Indian food is quite delish.

I don't know what depression really is, but i don't think it is normal to burst into tears at every little thing. It could be that something is really bothering you and you are burying that feeling so it comes out at weird times?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Okay, I contacted Alex again as my status as the host without a forum...haha. anyway, i have been added to the vets forum. Seems to me the main mission there is to simply move posts started by non vets, right? What is the guideline - PM the person, but what forum do you move it to and and how do you do that? this is my pet peeve... the "ask a vet" type thing. I don't really have an issue with non vets replying so much as I realize that is mostly by mistake due to the way this site is laid out.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Had to share, a banksy has appeared overnight in Cheltenham, where I live. We have GCHQ here which is our spy service and they are supposed to monitor all calls etc in order to keep us all safe. So Banksy has taken this as his theme and constructed the art around a public call box.

:

Love Banksy! We have some in San Francisco, but he hasn't visited Sacramento yet... his work has really become a treasure!

Cathy - what the heck is a banksy?

Kim - you are a more giving woman than I, I could not love a person like that, and it would slowly poison me to paper over such abuse, devaluing my own pain with, "he doesn't know how to properly apologize". It's fu**ing called learning, and if he hasn't changed by now, he simply isn't going to. Petty, bitter, and SMALL are the words I would use to describe the kind of person who tears a person down, rather then build them up. And you have a show coming up you say? Big surprise then, that he chose now to unleash his cowardly barbs...

If all of this sounds like a bit much wrath for a relationship I have no part in, it is because after what I have been through, I'm just not afraid anymore. Not of people, and not of their cruelty. I see them for what they are and their poison, is not my problem.

He is a pain in the a-ss some times, other times he is a lovely guy. imperfect for sure, as am I. I know he won't change.... but we learn as we go, and I hope for his sake he lets go of whatever it is that causes him to feel so threatened or entitled....

M2G, I might have done better to say that, everyone has their "dealbreaker", for some out there it could be being bad with money, for others it could be abuse of animals. For me, having grown up in a verbally/psychologically abusive household, it is words. To my brain, there is no difference between verbal abuse and physical violence, my body and brain reacts the same to both. And even there, people's definitions of what is verbally abusive differ. For me, if it were me, those comments from the husband would have qualified.

As for me, I did not get the tests I wanted, the neurologist flat out refused, and then blocked my ability to get a second opinion. The "leadership" of my program are trying to force me to resign, by leaving me to scramble and utterly unsupported and at the same time insisting on time frames for paperwork that will affect my financial support. Nobody seems interested in helping, as a civilian I am a non-entity and any civilian who needs something is seen as a nuisance and troublesome.

There is a clinic in Portland OR that I want to go to, but if I go there I won't have the physical strength to get back to the east coast, which is what the program will demand I do, to outprocess.

And in the meantime, I am eating absolute crap and hating myself for it. Thanks to that one article someone (I think it was Chimera) linked to a while back, I now understand that when I do this it is so that I can focus my fear and loathing on something familiar - me- rather than the new scary stressor. So, at least I recognize my impetus :/

I haven't stepped on a scale in over a week but I would bet, just on how I feel, that I've put on at least 5 lbs. Considering I put on 3 lbs that one time that I ate a sleeve of saltines, and this week has been a damn free for all, yeah .... v_v

One foot in front of the other my girl. Do what you have to do, and work your way out of where you are, and to where you want to be. Best wishes from me to you...

I only have a quick second...

totally agree Sheryl with Florinda "reframing"...and you are right Florinda everyone has what is acceptable and what is not and that is totally different for each and every person. I guess I just felt like if I'm here "venting" the answer isn't always cut and dried...

I saw this today and really just wanted to share it here. I could put it out on the big group forum but I just thought we all needed a little chuckle... and this made me laugh out loud!

http://www.someecards.com/2014/04/17/more-realistic-serving-sizes-pizza-ben-and-jerrys-funny

Good advice.

Okay, let's take a poll. I know by pics what I think a couple of you are but It would be interesting to see us!

Here's the image to judge by. WHAT's YOUR BODY IMAGE!

I'm an Apple!

I look like the newspaper! thin from the side, broad from the front.

Shelia, yea, Fosters is larger! She loves it... not like her mother who loves a cold cider! I did have a nice birthday, to be honest, I enjoyed watching Betty and her friends have a laugh... a few of them spent time with me too ... basically watching me prepare the food...lol...I celebrated 'my' birthday the next day in the pub! Hahahaaaa...

I've down loaded some pics from Paris,

IMG_2965.JPG

IMG_2988.JPG

IMG_3046.JPG

Mini Cooper ...lol

IMG_3056.JPG

You could not look more cute than you do in the all black outfit! Slim, shapley, great legs and a great smile! Love it!

Okay, I contacted Alex again as my status as the host without a forum...haha. anyway, i have been added to the vets forum. Seems to me the main mission there is to simply move posts started by non vets, right? What is the guideline - PM the person, but what forum do you move it to and and how do you do that? this is my pet peeve... the "ask a vet" type thing. I don't really have an issue with non vets replying so much as I realize that is mostly by mistake due to the way this site is laid out.

Have you been on the host forum? There are lots of posts on how to do stuff. Glad to have you in the Vets forum... I have been a slacker the last month...lucky if I answer my own posts! I usually send a message to the poster or just leave one on the post... perhaps you have seen them...I usually say something like "Great question, as this is a vets only forum, I will move your post to another forum where anyone can answer. Come back when you reach 12 months out! Best of luck." or something like that. There is a link called Forum Management at the top of the page, press that, and choose what you want to do... like move... it will bring up a drop down list, choose what forum it should go to... and there you have it. If you have questions, just message me...

[coops 1,790]

thank you Kim... you are too kind, but I'll take the compliments... that there, well, that is a NSV!!

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I thought you looked adorable too, Coops!

Sheryl, you will have to recomend an Indian dish that isn't hot and spicy. I don't like Curry either so I am not sure if that leaves much.My stupid little town has a few Chinese places and several Mexican places. We recently got a Thai place that everyone is thrilled about. I seriously doubt we will ever get an Indian restaraunt.I always go for Greek food when I go to Portland because I am Greek and I miss it. I should make it myself really.

I got to meet Bill's 30 year old son today. I really like him. He lives in downtown San Francisco. I guess that's good for him, since that's where he works.I wish we could stay here longer but we really don't have anywhere to stay. Hotels are very expensive and his son has 2 room mates and doesn't have room. We are going to spend some time with him tomorrow until noon and sometime tomorrow head back to Sacremento. Friday Bill has an appt. at the sleep place to get all the stuff he needs for Kelly's Cpap machine. It's such a better machine. I guess after that we are going to visit his step mom and we will be there for a couple of days. All I know is I am loving Calfornia and being away from home.