1. Would you go out on a date with someone who wasn't interested in you before you lost weight?

2. What do you think it says about a person if he/she didn't ask you out when you were heavy but does ask you out when you are thin?

3. If you are dating someone who never knew you when you were heavier, and you gained weight and they dumped you, do you think they are of poor character?

My answers...

1. If I knew and liked someone as a person and he asked me out after I lost weight, I would most likely go out on a date with him.

2. I don't think that a man who is not attracted to heavy people is of poor character. I don't expect a man to ask me out if he isn't attracted to me physically. BUT, I think how a man treats or talks to/about heavy people is very indicitive of his character.

3. If I was in a relationship and I gained weight I would expect him not to dump me. If he did dump me then I would think he had poor character and I would be insulted.

Attraction is part physical, you cant shoot someone for not finding an obese person attractive. Its part of our survival instinct - nor do many 18 year old men find 70 year old women attractive! I probably wouldnt find an overweight man attractive, BUT (and this is a big but, pardon the pun) I would not be totally disinterested in an overweight man. I'm interested in getting to know anybody. And a longer term relationship is not built on the purely physical.

So if a man I'd known suddenly became interested in me when I lost weigth it wouldnt worry me, if I returned the interest. But if he hadnt even bothered to know me in a non romantic sense when I was heavy, that's a bit different and reflects poorly on him.

My husband is really enjoying my new body - but that doesnt mean he didnt love me before.

This one is really tough for me and I have been struggling with it for a while now. I met a man on line and we chatted for about 4 months. He did see a face shot of me on line. (it was flattering) I had my band surgery & never mentioned it to him. We finally met and I could tell from the look on his face that he was disappointed but he was a gentleman and didn't mention size. We had a wonderful time and things went well for the next couple months. My weight loss has been quite slow and so he really never noticed much change in me. I finally did mention the surgery to him ( guess I purposely waited to see how he would react to the fat me) and he gave me a great big smile so I knew then it was important to him. We remained good friends and dated about once a month (cuz we live 200 miles apart). I made the mistake of point blank asking him if he was physically attracted to me. Before I ever ask that question again, I need to prepare myself for the answers! It was quite a shock to my ego when he gave me a very honest NO. Well, needless to say, that hurt like hell! I find him extremely attractive and he never really let on that the feeling wasn't mutual. He never once said it was because of my weight but he didn't really have to go there did he? If you have been fat all your life, U know!

I frequently wonder if I should have just broken off our freindship with that but I didn't. We are still really good friends and he is very supportive of my weight loss. We have a blast when we are together & he genuinely seems happy to hear from me. We still date about once per month. So am I making a big mistake here? Is his character crummy because he isn't attracted to me while heavy? And.... there is no real guarantee that he will be attracted to me when I am slim. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder and perhaps I need to be happy with his honesty?? It is hard on the old self esteem however to know he does not find me attractive - that's a tough one!

I would really welcome some other's perspectives!

I would date a man even if he might not of got interested in me while I was heavy...you see loosing this weight is creating in me a whole new person body mind and soul where i was in my head and emotions when I was at my largest is a far cry from where I am now...its more than just a physical thing its a personality/mentality thing too. That person may not have been interested in me for me for more valid reasons than just my weight. The truth is I probably wouldn't date a fat man either...

OOOOhhhhh BOY AM I gonna get in trouble for this comment....Yes, I would *use* them and then leave them. My little form of revenge

Not No but ....HELL NO! If my heart and personality was not good enough before it sure is not good enough now! If all they care about is my physical beauty then I do not want them! I will tell you what..it would be a whole different world out there if all we ever looked at and cared about was a man's WHO_HA! Men would be alot more humble.But Geeze! What a nightmare that would be? But back to this... I sware it is sittuations like this that make you want to give up trying to date and just be alone with dogs and cats! Just my take on it.

1. No I would not date them, but that is only a personality quirk. I don't favor things that reject me. For example when I applied for a job at a certain business, and didn't get it, I stopped going there for almost a year. I had been a frequent customer before.

2. I would think that they liked my personality, but didn't find me attractive. I would also think that they view physical traits more importantly, or at least as importantly as personality traits. I don't think thats shallow though as everyone has the right to be attracted to whom they please - fat, thin, or wearing thigh high latex boots with a pink wig.

3. No the person doesn't have poor character. Many people believe that physical attraction is important not only in initiating a relationship, but also maintaining it. This is especially true in a dating situation. Unless he or she made a promise to love you no matter what then I don't believe they have an obligation to maintain a relationship with someone they no longer find attractive. To qualify this statement I am assuming that this is significant weight gain, not "I only like girly sixpacks and you gained FIVE WHOLE POUNDS" - that I would consider shallow.

Marriage is a different matter as both parties have made vows to love and cherish each other in sickness and in health. I consider being significantly over weight to fall under sickness. Breaking that vow and abandoning a spouse under those circumstances would make me view the person leaving far less favorably.

I would date a man even if he might not of got interested in me while I was heavy...you see loosing this weight is creating in me a whole new person body mind and soul where i was in my head and emotions when I was at my largest is a far cry from where I am now...its more than just a physical thing its a personality/mentality thing too. That person may not have been interested in me for me for more valid reasons than just my weight. The truth is I probably wouldn't date a fat man either...

This is exactly how I see it. The journey from "morbidly obese" to "healthy" involves far more than weight loss. It's an unpredictable process that will require us to face demons and reinvent ourselves and it will lead to a totally new person in ways we cannot imagine at the beginning of the journey. That's why I think that a month after insertion of a lap band is not the ideal time to start looking for a serious relationship.

I also think it is unrealistic to say that a person is expected to be attracted to my "inner beauty," and if they would have any problem at all with my morbid obesity I should scratch them off the list forever and label them a shallow loser. Physical attraction is part of the package in romantic relationships. At the beginning it is a very large part of the package. I think it's a little bit self-delusional to believe otherwise.

And besides, when huge volumes of fat hang on the outside of a person this represents something more than just a totally external thing that is completely separate and unconnected to a person's "inner beauty." These huge volumes of fat show a lot about the inside of a person. All of us who have allowed ourselves to become morbidly obese have not been treating ourselves with great love and respect (I definitely include myself here, of course). And I am not comfortable blaming and external cause for my obesity. I feel like I need to take responsibility for what I've done to myself even though I might be a "big boned" guy with a naturally "low metabolism." I did this to myself, plain and simple.

I'm not attracted to fat women in part because I don't really want to date someone seriously who does not love and respect herself. If later she changes and starts to love and respect herself enough to become healthy, then she may become a person I'd like to consider for a romantic relationship. I just don't think that's a "shallow" way to be. And if it is shallow, then human beings acting naturally are inherently shallow.

These are really great answers...

I have to agree with Flabulous and Marjon9... losing weight is an inner journey as well as an outer journey.

I have to amend my answer to #3 to agree with Altaloma Guy. If you are dating someone, you aren't that committed to him to be required to stand by them if he gained a bunch of weight... and I am not talking about 20 - 30 lbs either. I think the more serious I am with someone, the longer I would stick around. A

nd being fat isn't a reason for divorce in my book... although I dated a guy who told me one of the major reasons he divorced his wife is because she got too fat. I saw a picture of her and she was maybe a size 16 and I thought to myself, why the heck is he dating me???? I broke up with him pretty quick after that. My opinion of him changed after I found that out and I really couldn't get over it.

Well I do think it is different between marriage and dating. My first husband wasn't attracted to me when i got heavy and he let me know it, it really hurt. I flat out told him that if he couldn't love me for who i was than he was shallow. I also told him, if I ever lost weight I would kick him to the curb for the way he treated me heavy! Needless to say he cheated on me with a beanpole, and he got kicked to the curb anyway's!!!

The way the questions were asked is different than the scenario described. It sounds like this guy likes you, but isn't attracted to you. That is two very different things and doesn't talk to his character. There are many reasons why we are not attracted to others, weight being one of them. He sounds like he is a good date, an interesting person, and one that you could remain friends with. I wouldn't count on anything being romantic.

If I knew someone who was not attracted to me heavy, didn't pay any attention to me, then I wouldn't be interested in them necessarily if they paid attention to me after I lost weight.

However, if I was married to someone, gained weight or lost weight, I would expect them to still love me. However, they might not be attracted to me anymore. There is a difference. You know some always use the excuse of their weight, but I remember a husband/wife where the husband got real upset with his wife when she lost weight. He was attracted to her heavy. Go figure.

My husband loves me just as I am and is excited for me to want to lose the weight. Fat or thin he loves me. I would never date anyone that didn't like me just the way I am, fat or thin.

I wouldn't date someone that intentionally didn't ask when I was heavier. I don't prefer fat guys, but I have dated 2. I liked their personality. Sometimes getting to know a person makes them look better.

You can't help who you are attracted too, but I am as attracted to personality and appearance. I don't fault someone for not being attracted to someone, but I can't imagine wanting to go out w/some that didn't want to go w/me months earlier b/c I was heavier. Plus, I would probably be paranoid and wondering what they were thinking before or what they would think if I gained weight.

I am one of those who thinks that appearance plays a powerful role in the initial attraction between two people. We all have physical types which we prefer; some people like blondes, others brunettes, some like people to be thin and others not. As a species we all prefer people who are healthy and handsome. After we get past focussing on the looks we then get to learn about the personality and this is what really counts in a healthy mature relationship. This is what my husband and I were discussing just the other night.

When we met we were both thin and good looking. He still is but then he is 9 years younger than I am. I got fat and turned 57 and then I got the lapband. I have lost quite a bit of unsightly weight and my husband tells me that I am looking good and then he says but I kinda liked you fat, too. You were cuddly that way. The thing is that he means it.

What we figured out is that although looks play an important role in attracting two people to each other it is personality and heart that keeps them together as they age and begin to tarnish.

You know, on the same topic, I virtually NEVER find really buff men attractive. I dont like the model types, the really muscly ones etc. There's something too "female" about a male caring about his appearance to that degree to me, it just turns me off. So I virutally never sit in a movie drooling over Brad Pitt (ugh) or similar. They just do nothing for me.

So having a "type" may be shallow, so whilst I said I probably wouldnt be attracted to an obese man, I'd go for someone in their forties and cuddly anyday over some young bloke who looks like he spends all his time in the gym staring at a mirror.

Couple'r things, naturally. Comments inside the quotes in blue for the sake of coherence.

I frequently wonder if I should have just broken off our freindship with that but I didn't. Why would him not being attracted to you physically mean you can't have a friendship? Are you only comfortable having friends who find you physically attractive? Seems to me he's that muchs tronger in the friend category, since you asked for an honest answer and he gave it to you, even though that's not what you wanted to hear. IMO that's a great quality in a friend. We are still really good friends and he is very supportive of my weight loss. We have a blast when we are together & he genuinely seems happy to hear from me. We still date about once per month. So am I making a big mistake here? I guess I'd have to ask what you mean by "date". Does date mean hook up? Or does date mean potentially interested in a deeper non-platonic relationship? Does "date" mean the same thing to both of you? Because I can't imagine many guys "dating" someone they aren't attracted to, unless they're getting something out of it, and if it's something they can get through a platonic friendship, there's no reason to date. Is his character crummy because he isn't attracted to me while heavy? No. Obesity is not attractive, at least not to most people out there, and IMO we have no right faulting people for that. And.... there is no real guarantee that he will be attracted to me when I am slim. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder and perhaps I need to be happy with his honesty?? Bingo It is hard on the old self esteem however to know he does not find me attractive - that's a tough one! I'm confused - you're dating once a month, but you're just friends, but you're hurt that he's not physically attracted to you. I think things would be a lot more clear if you could define the relationship (both of you) and reach agreement.

I would really welcome some other's perspectives!

My first husband wasn't attracted to me when i got heavy and he let me know it, it really hurt. I flat out told him that if he couldn't love me for who i was than he was shallow. Why do you equate physical attraction and love? Because he wasn't attracted to you doesn't mean he can't love you. Maybe that's not what the real situation was like, but it's what you've said -- he isn't attracted to me, he didn't love me. Attraction and love are only related in a weird kind of continuum way... To me, attraction is what opens the door to love... and it doesn't have to be physical attraction. If your'e attracted to someone, generally physically, chances are much higher than you'll get to know them. Physical attraction (i know from my own experiences) can come after the fact. Most people have a "type" that they're attracted to, physically, and for most people that isn't "obese"... but there are a lot of men out there who love their obese wives.

I also told him, if I ever lost weight I would kick him to the curb for the way he treated me heavy! To me this is a statement of poor self-esteem. IF I lost weight, I would get rid of you because you treat me bad, but until I lose weight, I'm staying with you. Do I interpret that correctly? If he's not good enough for you skinny, why is he good enough for you now?