Going on my first date in a very longggg time need some support....

[apinksoprano 0]

Ok everyone, I finally bit the bullet and put myself back in the online dating world....I chose to date here because I am a nanny, so not in the career to meet people and also not interested in picking up drunk slobs at bars so I date online...I used to do it all the time but totally took myself out of the dating world for a long time because I was just so depressed and hated myself....I got to the point now where I am feeling lonely and why should I let my weight stop me from having a relationship right? Well, I have a date on thursday night, with a seemingly nice guy and I am soooo nervous...I am never worried that someone isnt going to like me for who I am because I am a great person with a great personality and even a pretty face....But, I base it all on weight...He isnt gonna like me cause I am heavy I always say....I just want to get over this, that people should care for me because of who i am not how much the scale says right, but how do I do this...Any help, advice, or support would be greatly appreciated....And I cant freakin believe I have a date, ughhhhh

[Terrilen 0]

BREATH...Ok, have you told him that you are heavy? I always make sure they know it going in so that there are no surprises. I sware to God I think men would rather you have herione needle hanging out of your arm when you first meet that to be you overweight! It is sad but true! I have alot of guy friends and they tell me all the time how they blow off really nice girls because of being a little overweight. But lets face it... if you tell him and he STILL wants to meet you then you have something to work with. If NOT it is better to get rid of the looser now! Think about it if he were a little person you would want him to tell you. You are a wonderful woman with an beautiful spirit that I am sure any man would be lucky to have in his life! Start out right tell him about your weight before you meet. Honesty is the ONLY policy! Good Luck!

[apinksoprano 0]

Thanks terri, yes I have told him I was heavy...He said he likes chunky girls just not obese....But I looked at his profile and under his match it says he likes slim/average girls and I asked him about it...I just said that I am not slim or average that I am overweight and he said average and chunky are the same thing and I said oh no they are not...He said well I love y our personality, cause we have talked on the phone, so he still wants to meet....Ugh I am just so nervous I cannot believe it

[marjon9 6]

I am a "guy," as you ladies like to call us. I feel like I want to answer your post even though I may not have the type of response that you are looking for. But I feel like the best way I can offer you "support" is to give an honest response from a "guy's" point of view.

It is courageous to get back into the dating world, and I congratulate you for that. But if I were your brother and I wanted to help you succeed, I would tell you that you need to consider some things about your approach to the dating process. Please take these thoughts in the spirit they are intended, which is to offer a guy's point of view on finding a great relationship.

First, I get the impression from your post that you have not discussed weight or physical appearance with this guy, or traded photos. If that is correct, then in my opinion you are setting yourself up to be rejected. You are correct that "people should care for you based on who you are and not based on what the scale says," but if you show up for this date without telling this guy you are heavy then you are asking this complete stranger to "care for you" even though you are both heavy and dishonest. I think that people who are overweight can be lovable, but I am not too keen on people who are dishonest.

In this world we live in, being fat matters. I'm fat, so I have a right to talk. Dating, especially blind dates with a total stranger, is very much about physical attraction. You know that. By failing to mention something significant about your physical appearance you are lying by omission. That is not respectful to the person you are meeting.

It is true that people deserve love even if they are fat. But you can't expect a guy on a blind date to "love" you based on the "inner truth" about "who you are." He's just there to see if he is attracted to you, and if he is (and if he is a decent fellow), to begin the process of getting to know you. The "loving you for who you are" part, "regardless of what the scale says," is not for first meetings and blind dates.

I think if you are going to try to get back into the dating world right now, you need to be totally up front about your physical appearance, including photos, before you meet the person.

But I can also tell you this. If you are honest about being significantly overweight, and you try to meet people through online dating, you will almost certainly not meet the type of man you'd really like to get to know. That's just the way it is in this superficial world. I'm not saying you don't deserve a relationship right now, but I think that in order to find a good relationship while you are fat it is going to have to be based on getting to know people over time, in person, face to face, and not based on online dating where people make immediate decisions based on three lines in an ad and a small photograph.

If you are sold on online dating, which I have done plenty of myself at various times, I'd say wait 6 months or more until you have lost significant weight from your lap band. This is the time for recreating yourself, facing demons, and getting to know yourself again. Who knows who you will be 6 months or a year from now? Once that process is well under way, then that might be a better time for beginning the process of hooking up with someone to share it with.

I know this is undoubtedly not the type of "support" you were looking for. I hope you will find this "guy's" point of view to be worth considering.

At your age you have all the time in the world. I know you will find the perfect mate at the right time. Best wishes to you in your journey.

[apinksoprano 0]

Ok Marjon, if you read above you wouldvee read that he does know that I am heavier and I am only honest up front...I have sent him like 10 pics of me and I am very honest...I am not a decietful person at all so yes he does know what I look like....And your comment about waiting six months until I am thinner, right? That is ridiculous....I understand not everyone is attracted to overweight people but I dont want the totally shallow assholes that are only gonna love me thinner...I have met great guys online and have had great relationships that loved me for me and that is what I am looking for again...It is jjust nerve wrecking to get back out there....And I use the internet not cause I am afraid to go out and meet peoplee cause I am a beautiful girl but it isnt my choice to meet drunk guys at bars....So I appreciate your support but that wasnt what I was looking for you shouldve read my post totally before responding...

[marjon9 6]

I did read your post totally before responding. In your initial post you did seem to imply that you had not mentioned your weight to this guy. I'm glad to see that is not correct. What I did not read before sending my message is what was said after your initial post by you and others. I did not read those posts because it took me quite a while to write that note to you, and by that time there were several other responses.

I can see you are a little angry about what I wrote to you. But I honestly don't see why. If you are going to meet someone who knows exactly what you look like and is interested in meeting you, then that sounds great. There is nothing in my note that is inconsistent with that.

Best wishes to you.

[Nathalie 4]

marjon - that was a shitty thing to say. And it helped me a great deal. Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear. I hope apinksoprano's feelings weren't hurt in the process. I agree though - a full body picture to the guy will save both of you from embarrassement and hurt feelings/anger.

I have taken myself out of the dating game for now for that very reason, marjon. When I was dating online, I had several men reject me. I got a LONG email from a guy after our date tell me all the reasons he didn't want to go out with me again (he was after sex, which I wasn't going to do first date) and suggested I join a gym, hire a trainer, I have a pretty face, put down the video game, etc. And I know I rock, and it's his loss, and it was a shitty thing to say, but it is how things are (especially someplace like Ft. Lauderdale where "beach body" is the norm). At the same time, I met enough men who loved my softness and my hind parts. I was in a LTR with a guy and he just gobbled me up. He wasn't a "chubby chaser" there was nothing wrong with him - he was 6'8" and needed a woman with a little substance. (HA) Men who like curvy women are out there.

apinksoprano, if you HAVE sent him a full body picture and he still wants to go out, then don't worry about him rejecting you. He likes what he sees. Don't be insecure and don't be nervous. You need to dress like a movie star and go on that date like you are Carmen Elektra. Ooze confidence and sensuality.

One thing that you could do is see if they have any goddess parties in your area. Parties for plus sized women and the men who love our stuffins. When I was in NYC I went to one and met a really really nice guy. The place was FILLED with them!

I know I rambled...

Nathalie

P.S. I wrote most of this before I saw that you replied, apinksoprano. None of it was intended to hurt your feelings. If you want to tell me to STFU and F off, I won't even be offended.

[apinksoprano 0]

I am not angry at all....I just said in the first post I need support cause I am nervous...My weight is more my issue than anyone elses, it always has been....but I just wanted support from people who understood what it is like getting back out there, it is very nerve wrecking...Then getting a response like yours doesnt help cause you dont speak for every man....It actually made me more nervous, so thanks...

[apinksoprano 0]

Hey Nathalie, thanks girl for your kind words...I needed that...I am just so damn nervous to go on the date even though he does know what I look like....But thanks for the support I will let you know how it goes...

[kwhenrykerr 0]

This may not help with your first date but I do wish you the best. I posted this a while back, its not easy to admit but it is true.

"

Baby, size is only an issue to a stupid male. When I met my girl for life I could not stand her. It was nessassary to work with her to get what I wanted. She was HUGE 400+ lb 5'2" LOUD, Latin, male basher. I wanted her help with my students and she controled the student aid. Boy was I STUPID in my views of her. She is the best person in the world. After a couple of years she was able to have WLS and it has not changed the person inside. Keep doing what you do in life and one day Mr. STUPID will come your way."

Do not let anyboby get in your way to happness.

<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[marjon9 6]

marjon - that was a shitty thing to say. And it helped me a great deal. Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear. I hope apinksoprano's feelings weren't hurt in the process. I agree though - a full body picture to the guy will save both of you from embarrassement and hurt feelings/anger.

All I said to her was that a full body picture to the guy will save both of them from embarrassment and hurt feelings/anger. That's all I said. Why is it "shitty" when I say it but, "womanly support" when you say it?

apinksoprano's original post clearly implied that she had not told the guy about her appearance. I was not the only one to get that impression. If that was true then she was being dishonest. It turned out not to be true. But there is nothing I said that was "shitty."

And I do completely stand by my statement that we are all in a phase of reinventing ourselves right now. All of us have issues that got us to be morbidly obese. If I were looking for a relationship in my life, I'd want to wait until I discovered who I was a little bit down the road. If others want to move ahead more quickly, go for it. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm not telling anyone they need to be like me. But I still think it is a loving thing to do to say how I feel, and I still stand completely by what I said.

[Nathalie 4]

I said:

marjon - that was a shitty thing to say. And it helped me a great deal. Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear. I hope apinksoprano's feelings weren't hurt in the process. I agree though - a full body picture to the guy will save both of you from embarrassement and hurt feelings/anger.

And you said:

All I said to her was that a full body picture to the guy will save both of them from embarrassment and hurt feelings/anger. That's all I said. Why is it "shitty" when I say it but, "womanly support" when you say it?

apinksoprano's original post clearly implied that she had not told the guy about her appearance. I was not the only one to get that impression. If that was true then she was being dishonest. It turned out not to be true. But there is nothing I said that was "shitty."

And I do completely stand by my statement that we are all in a phase of reinventing ourselves right now. All of us have issues that got us to be morbidly obese. If I were looking for a relationship in my life, I'd want to wait until I discovered who I was a little bit down the road. If others want to move ahead more quickly, go for it. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm not telling anyone they need to be like me. But I still think it is a loving thing to do to say how I feel, and I still stand completely by what I said.

So I replied:

marjon - :phanvan

I'm sorry - my reply didn't read as I intended. It was shitty because it's the cold hard truth. What you said (your advice, your words) isn't shitty. The shitty part is the fact that it's the way of the world. The fact that heavy people have to worry about being shunned because "thin is in" is the shitty part. It's shitty that a pretty girl with a rockin personality is doubting herself and worrying that the guy won't give her a chance once he gets a load of her body. I was referring to the reality, not your advice/post.

I've told guys I was "heavy" before, but when they saw me the reaction is "you ain't heavy, YOU FAT!" "Heavy" is so subjective. I have lived apinksoprano's fear - you shared guy-think very well. Please accept my apology - I did not mean my words as aggressive or attacking. It was in no way meant to hurt your feelings or put you on the defensive. My post was dove-tailing on your post, agreeing with you. It was wonderful, heartfelt, guy-perspective advice.

[barbara465 2]

So remember, you might look at him and go yuck!!!! This is a two way street. The date doesn't hold all the power. You can reject him for whatever the reasons just like he can reject you for whatever reasons. It doesn't necessarily mean because your overweight.

I was divorced for 25 years when I turned to online dating. I had great experiences and 2 years of it I met my DH. He was normal size, never dated an overweight woman. He liked me for me and the rest is history. In fact our relationship is probably stronger because I know he loved me fat, he will still love me thinner.

I wrote them online for quite a while before talking on the phone. First meetings were usually at a coffee place or for lunch. I didn't like getting stuck for dinner if I wasn't sure. Some guys you click with, some you don't. It can be a fun experience if you keep your self esteem in check. Don't automatically think a guy is rejecting you because of your weight. That may be true, but it may not be. I never gave the guys I didn't want to go out with again a reason. I just would email them back and say I enjoyed meeting them, but don't want to pursue it further.

Good luck and just enjoy the experience. Above all, be safe. Meet in a public place and let one friend know where you are and call you at some point to make sure everything is OK.

[marjon9 6]

Thanks, sorry I misunderstood. No need to apologize at all. It's so hard to convey clear meaning with these quickly written posts.

I want to add one other thing reading over this thread. And that is there have been several comments about how "shallow" us "loser" guys are because we are not attracted to fat women. I think that is not fair. We are all products of this society. Fat is not in right now ( or for the last 100 years or so). You can blame guys for being shallow if you want, but it's not going to get you where you want to go. Most men don't like fat women. That's just how it is.

And believe me, it's the same the other way. When I was younger I was quite a good looking fellow and had women interested in me quite often. As I gained weight the interest just melted away. Now, if a woman looks at me at all, it's usually with a bit of a curled lip of contempt like "as if, you loser."

So where is it going to get any of us to blame the opposite sex for how "shallow" we are. It's just not a useful approach.

For me, where the whole thing comes down to at this point in my life is this: Fat is unhealty. I want to honor myself and my life by being healthy. Naturally, if I do that I will be more attractive to my wife. But that is not my motivation. My motivation is to honor my life. Before it's too late. I don't want to die fat. I'd have too much 'splainin' to do.

[apinksoprano 0]

Hahah, I only wanted support for being nervous about going on my first date in a long time, how did it turn into this....Thanks for everyone who supported me I really do appreciate it....

And Marjon as far as people being shallow...There are a lot of people who are not attracted to heavy people and that is ok, I have my likes and dislikes too...BUT there are a lot of people who are just plain shallow and think people should look the way society says, etc...and those are the ones I dont want...I have met a couple of great guys off the internet who ended up loving me the way I am....So, I intend to find that again and I am confident that I will...Yes, it will take time as everything does but they are out there....

So everyone wish me luck and we will see what happens I guess..