I wasn't sure if this should go in the Ladies Gone Wild section, but then I really wanted input from men as well, so I figured I would put it here.

I have often wondered if many of us put on weight as a defense mechanism, I think it has been proven time and again -especially with females- that massive weight gain happens after a sexual assault or abuse or something. I'm not saying this means every last fat person was abused, so please, those of you chomping at the bit for someone to flame - no.

What I'm trying to say is ... I was invisible for a very long time. During the years when I should have been learning how to interact with men, get my heart broken, get tough, get wise, learn from romantic mistakes, learn to spot predators - I was cocooned in my obese isolation and never learned any of those things. I never learned what other women learn about other women, that there are so many out there that are so crippled by insecurity that they will attempt to destroy you just to secure their own positions. I never learned that if you appear to present any sort of "threat" to these kinds of women that they will stop at nothing - including destructive gossip and libel, to eradicate you as a threat.

I also didn't learn how to interact with men or rather, I never learned that there are consequences to my behavior; as an obese invisible individual, I was, ironically, treated as a person not a "woman" with all the connotation and baggage therein. I was treated by men as an honorary dude and got to joke and be bawdy and opinionated and they were comfortable around me. Now, if I make eye contact with any man, they see it as an invitation. Now, men are aggressive in trying to mark their territory, and I'm the territory! Now I am viewed as physically weak and now for the first time in my life, I am afraid when I have to walk somewhere alone in the dark.

I don't know how to deal with all of this, I don't know how to weild this power, I was never taught.

Help?

Lots of great insight above.

I am do not have this problem, as I am still big. Surgery in a month!!!

You cannot control what others think or how they act. You need to learn to be comfortable with who you are and have become. Grasp confidence! If you don't like the way a man is talking to you, be polite but CLEAR that you are not interested. As another post said, women will be catty no matter what. Hey, if your own best friend has the guts to start an affair with your husband and then lie to your face about it, then to heck with it all. (Yes, I went through that. Not pretty.) But what I learned from it was who I Could and SHOULDN'T trust.

To thine own self be true. No one, NO ONE, can fault you for being an honest person. They will try, but that is their own jealousy/insecurity causing it.

And AMEN on the self defense class!

Oh yea, I forgot to add the safety issue. I'm tall and have always been overweight. I feel like that has been a reason nobody messes with me! I too think about what will happen when I get to goal! Self defense classes sound like a great idea!

You guys must be hanging out in the wrong places..who said bigger women dont get hit on?...I'm pre surgery and get more attention than my stick thin friends...honestly I wouldn't want attention from men who wouldn't give me attention now. You can't love me at my worst you sure as hell can't at my best...not that I think big is worst looks wise, just health wise. I think confidence is more where your getting attention from, you feel confident with your new body.

Women have always been cruel to me, that is why I make friends with men instead. I have a distinct memory of when I started to really pack on weght in college, I had the semi-unconscious understanding that the fatter I got, the nicer girls were to me. So, I traded self worth and health and confidence for *friends*. Sad. Once I got really fat, girls were nice to me, trusted me around their boyfriends, guys were themselves (quite revealing, both good and bad). Until I got super obese and then it flipped again, with women petrified to share the same oxygen with me, lest they catch the fat.

I think there was a bit of self-sabotage about to happen last year, before my world shattered into a thousand pieces for other reasons, I was teetering on the edge of normal size/very fit, fitness girls were starting to want to be seen with me in public, I was hovering on the edge of the ability to wear single-digit sizes, male models (seriously actual male models) were willing to date me, and there were many nights that I lay in bed, prodding my sharp new hip bones, feeling the never before felt strength in my muscles, that I wondered if I could do it, if it was *okay* that I become an acceptable recognized healthy woman ... and if/how I would handle it ...

I want to get back that feeling of strength, and I want very much to continue losing until goal, and I know everyone else can just suck it. Haters gonna hate, right?

But, if you've ever heard the old saying about the prettiest girl at the dance sits alone because nobody is brave enough to ask her ... it's true, and yes it can be very lonely. The women hate you and wont befriend you because they have been so trained into low self esteem, and the men assume you must be a superior b**** who is going to shoot themdown because you've got your pick of anyone and beauty must be cruel. v_v

I would love to take some self defense classes but there aren't any here, I've just got running and weights at my disposal.

this is an important topic.. I think this is so important fo you to get to the bottom of. This issue may be why you put on all the weight in the first place ( as a shield). You need to seek therapy to get a solid mind/ body balance and be sure you are fully aware that the weight wasnt really shielding you-- you are old enough now to shield yourself and take back your own power. You deserve to be the best you !! Take the time to get to the root of your emotional situation --- why you put on the weight in the first place?

Best of luck:)

I think I did because men have always looked at me and I cheated yrs 2-5 of my marriage. I did put on some as Ins to my hubby after he forgave. Men still looked at me heavy or not so Iam dealing with it in therapy but I do know what you mean. I was never invisible even if thats what subconciously I was going for.

I think I did because men have always looked at me and I cheated yrs 2-5 of my marriage. I did put on some as Ins to my hubby after he forgave. Men still looked at me heavy or not so Iam dealing with it in therapy but I do know what you mean. I was never invisible even if thats what subconciously I was going for.

I feel like strangers are nicer to me than they used to, and I'm still obese. No one has been cruel to me, but I definitely feel like people interact with me differently. Heck, I probably interact with them differently too.

Mouse: I think you hit it - people react differently to you now because YOU act differently.

I think there are a lot of people who are repulsed by the morbidly obese. Being there myself, I still have to stop myself from looking at other obese people with pity in my eyes. If *I* have trouble, my Lord, how difficult must it be for someone who has never been overweight?

I always used my size as a shield. It worked well. Now I use my age. HA!

I always feel invisible, I always feel voiceless. People speak for me, literally. It's like I'm not here. Like there's no point in my being here. Like I'm screaming in a soundproof booth, banging my fists, and people are just walking on by, not noticing or caring. Unless it is men wanting to fu** me now. v_v

I always feel invisible, I always feel voiceless. People speak for me, literally. It's like I'm not here. Like there's no point in my being here. Like I'm screaming in a soundproof booth, banging my fists, and people are just walking on by, not noticing or caring. Unless it is men wanting to fu** me now. v_v

Globetrotter, we all know that there is much more to you than just a vagina. While I do not know you, your writing lets us know how smart and witty you are. Sorry that this is a tough time. Isolation far away sure must be hard.

Thank you Art, now if only I could get people I know in person to get this, and men.

Globetrotter: you have brought up a very sensitive issue and I think you are very brave to open yourself up here and speak so honestly about your experiences and feelings. I am very concerned for you because you have so much anger, sound depressed and I think you would really benefit from some counseling if you can afford it. Think of it as an investment in your soul. I have been obese my entire life but I'm also very tall which made me seem threatening and less than feminine to many insecure men. I also have experienced both unwanted and wanted attention from men. I met my husband when I was at a point in my life where I was happy with myself and with being alone and so didn't "need" anyone but I wanted a life-partner. I've never have had any issues bonding with other women and have many close friendships some of them life-long. I think we project onto others what we feel about ourselves. When you learn to love yourself as unconditionally as possible and start projecting that love and kindness out to others you will attract loving people who are not mean-spirited and judgmental and who will love and value you for who you are. I hope you can find some women friends here or in you home-life. Can't imagine going thru life without that support. Hugs to you!

pre-surgery weight 325; surgery date 2/28/2013; surgery weight 307; 8 weeks past-op weight 281.4

Great thread, and I didn't read all the replies yet - but i will.

Let me make one simple comment. You and I have a CHOICE of how we respond to this attention, to this no longer being invisible. WE HAVE THE POWER OF HOW IT WILL IMPACT US AND OUR BEHAVIOR - NOBODY ELSE HAS THAT UNLESS YOU CHOOSE TO GIVE IT TO THEM.

At first it was scary to me too. I felt like all eyes were on me, everywhere I went. i felt... naked. I felt both too ugly and too attractive all at the same time. I wondered if I was dressed too revealing/too sexy but friends often told me i dressed to baggy and illfitting clothes. There was a weird couple of months when long time friends and colleagues were wowed and amazed and calling me hot...

Now, I am in a much better place. I do get appreciative looks sometimes stil but it doesn't impact me much. I am me, whether men look at me or not. I am comfortable in my own skin.

It is empowering to realize that they can look or not look.

I can respond or not respond.

It makes me feel good to be appreciated (much like I appreciate an attractive man!) but - i have a perfectly wonderful day with or without that glance.

I think it starts with accepting yourself and being comfortable with you - just the way you are.

Thank you for posting this. This is my fear for after (surgery is July 1). I am so glad to hear advice prior.