My friend keeps calling me a "Cheater"

[Alithinos 19]

She sounds pretty toxic. Friends don't undermine efforts to get healthy and they definitely don't enlist their children to manipulate you. The fact that she's got her kid calling you names is appalling. Anybody who thinks that's appropriate has some serious problems. I have definitely outgrown friends before and wonder if this is what you're dealing with here. It is sad, especially if their kid is so close with your daughter, but I'd rather be friendless than abused. It will most certainly affect your kid's relationship. At the same time, do you really want your daughter to associate with this nest of vipers?

The cheating thing just kills me. Having 85% of your stomach removed is akin to having the majority of your troops wiped out to win a war. It helps reset your metabolism (for a short while), which you kind of need. (Also, the surgeons at Johns Hopkins automatically push for gastric bypass instead of sleeve if you have diabetes - has your surgeon gone over the pros and cons?) The emotionally healthy and intelligent are going to get this. Join a support group now and start backing away from the frenemy for your own sanity...

[lexysdad04 43]

I would sort of frame it this way" "I am very sorry that your and your daughter cannot support my decision to become more healthy and live a better life. It is disappointing that our friendship is not in a better place. I've made the decision that works best for me and will be moving on with my life once I have completed this step. I would appreciate your friendship and understanding' date=' but if that's not something that you can do, I will understand. You will always be my friend regardless." Then move on.[/quote']

WOW I totally agree with this post hit the nail right on the head

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Comments like that are hurtful, and I'll never understand why people say things like that. But then again....sometimes say/think things that I probably shouldn't. I want some slack when I do, and I try to remind myself of that when others irritate me.

Have you asked her clarify why she is saying you are "cheating"? Maybe she doesn't really understand. As others have said, it's still up to us to do the work. I don't think I fully understood that until I was post op. I knew the surgery wasn't magic and I would have to work, but now I really get it

Sounds like you have been friends for a long time, and it might be worth a discussion with her .I like the way johnlatte summed it up. If she can't support you, then I would distance myself from her because you are going to need all positive support you can get! You are making the best decision for you, and deserve to surround yourself with people who really have your best interests at heart. No added stress needed. Good luck

[kimikat3 150]

1. She's jealous.

2. She's being a shitty "friend."

3. You need support and encouragement. If she's not on board' date=' cut that anchor loose.[/quote']

Ha!!!!! You summed that one up perfectly! Couldn't have said it better myself!

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

I fully believe in holding people accountable for their bad behavior. Call her on it. Directly. Tell her support or silence.

Amanda Rae

[kimikat3 150]

This^^^^^^^^

I am glad everyone thinks "this" is so easy! I still fight for my weightloss and if I f-up the scale reminds me. It is still a challenge after surgery and is not a cure for fatness. If not used correctly one can fail. I think it is horrible that her friend is being down right disrespectful.

I have to agree with you! If anything we (those who have had the surgery) have to deal with being under the microscope and work harder to lose/maintain than those without the surgery.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I believe that it's time to take a break from her. I would tell her that it hurts me when you call me a cheater and it makes me not want to be around you. You are not a cheater, this is a tool and you will definately have to work hard on this too. It doesn't really matter whether she's jealous, fearful, or angry, if she can't be supportive of your decision, then it's time to take a time out with your friendship. A friend will support you no matter what.... so set a boundary with her and tell her to stop be a b**** about this, and for pete's sake, stop role modeling this behavior for her daughter..... You don't need this.....

[lilstyler 19]

Comments like that are hurtful' date=' and I'll never understand why people say things like that. But then again....sometimes say/think things that I probably shouldn't. I want some slack when I do, and I try to remind myself of that when others irritate me.

Have you asked her clarify why she is saying you are "cheating"? Maybe she doesn't really understand. As others have said, it's still up to us to do the work. I don't think I fully understood that until I was post op. I knew the surgery wasn't magic and I would have to work, but now I really get it

Sounds like you have been friends for a long time, and it might be worth a discussion with her .I like the way johnlatte summed it up. If she can't support you, then I would distance myself from her because you are going to need all positive support you can get! You are making the best decision for you, and deserve to surround yourself with people who really have your best interests at heart. No added stress needed. Good luck [/quote']

Thank you all for your every wise words. I guess you just have to know the type of person she is, that's why I'm trying so hard not to let this bother me. She's hard to explain. She's the type of person everyone sees as being very sweet and having it together. But she talks about people right in front of them where the people don't realize she's talking about them. I know she does it to me, so even though we are "close" as far as we see each other a lot, I really don't let her in for those reasons right there. She is very witty and sometimes extremely rude but people just don't hear it. I do. I know what she's doing. So, I guess all of this should not bother me, but it does and I guess I'm going to have to pull away. She doesn't just act like this with this issue, it's kind of everything. She's the person that brings all the white elephants in the room to light. I can't be around someone that's trying to bring everyone down all the time. I really think it's to make herself feel better about her own insecurities. It just makes me sad...

[Lori228 60]

I remember telling a relative about my surgery before I had it and the look of "what the heck are you doing" was so obvious and she was not the only one. That very instance you start second guessing yourself and all it took was me walking up the stairs at work and feeling worn out and it starts to remind me the number of reasons why I decided on this approach and put everything into perspective. Not everyone we encounter are going to be on board with us or understand, some may not at first but may as we educate them, and others will be supportive because they care if they understand it or not. I have to admit years ago I never thought I would be doing this but then I did not know about the sleeve. I am sorry for you that your friend has chosen to be so rude, and she truly needs a lesson in compassion. We are not all the same and we all use different tools to get to where we need to be. We chose the sleeve and she needs to get over it. Wish you luck with her, she needs educated.

[TheGamer 406]

Real friends are the ones who are going to be supportive of you when you undertake something like this. They'll be worried for you when you're in surgery, they'll be glad when you're up and about, and they'll cheer on your milestones, regardless of how much they themselves weigh or where they might be in their own weight loss journey. Nobody who has gone through this process would ever call it an easy decision or a cheat.

Her own insecurity is trying to drag you down with her. It's possible that she's not *trying* to sabotage, and that (unless you've brought this up with her) she's unaware of the damage what she's doing is inflicting. It's possible she's that clueless. I'm a skeptic and would say "nah" but you never know. I'm a pretty up front person and so I'd tell her either get on board or get out. You're doing what's best for you, no reason to drag a naysayer along on the journey.

[altagirl 127]

Thank you all for your every wise words. I guess you just have to know the type of person she is, that's why I'm trying so hard not to let this bother me. She's hard to explain. She's the type of person everyone sees as being very sweet and having it together. But she talks about people right in front of them where the people don't realize she's talking about them. I know she does it to me, so even though we are "close" as far as we see each other a lot, I really don't let her in for those reasons right there. She is very witty and sometimes extremely rude but people just don't hear it. I do. I know what she's doing. So, I guess all of this should not bother me, but it does and I guess I'm going to have to pull away. She doesn't just act like this with this issue, it's kind of everything. She's the person that brings all the white elephants in the room to light. I can't be around someone that's trying to bring everyone down all the time. I really think it's to make herself feel better about her own insecurities. It just makes me sad...

Wow - given this I don't think you will be missing much by distancing yourself. It is unfortunate that you have daughters who are friends - but if the daughter is anything like the mother not a bad idea to distance them too. Otherwise, onward and upward, there are no "rules" that say just because you have put up with her antics in the past you are required to continue.

[sastexan4u@yahoo.com 43]

You are not a cheater....maybe you need to stay away from her for a while you need to have people on you side she is very jealous

person ...The sleeve is a tool there is still a lot a lot of work to be done by you and only you this is for you and your health..I am a yo yo dieter also.

that is so hard on your heart so keep people like her out of your life you will need all the support and support group around you.Good luck to your new life!!

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Thank you all for your every wise words. I guess you just have to know the type of person she is, that's why I'm trying so hard not to let this bother me. She's hard to explain. She's the type of person everyone sees as being very sweet and having it together. But she talks about people right in front of them where the people don't realize she's talking about them. I know she does it to me, so even though we are "close" as far as we see each other a lot, I really don't let her in for those reasons right there. She is very witty and sometimes extremely rude but people just don't hear it. I do. I know what she's doing. So, I guess all of this should not bother me, but it does and I guess I'm going to have to pull away. She doesn't just act like this with this issue, it's kind of everything. She's the person that brings all the white elephants in the room to light. I can't be around someone that's trying to bring everyone down all the time. I really think it's to make herself feel better about her own insecurities. It just makes me sad...

With all that said, she can ot feel good about herself unless she's putting everyone down at their expense. This truly is not a friend, she's very toxic and it will only get worst as you get thinner.....Take care of you and let this toxic person go.........she will only sabotage your efforts and could possibly hurt your kids by her toxic behaviors....... Keep rockin forward and can't wait for you to join us on the big loser's bench........!

[frpringle 53]

Well, she really doesn't know anything about the surgery if she thinks this is cheating. Nor does she understand the body and mechanics of it. She is jealous of the step you are taking. People will get jealous of you and relationships will change, even ones you think won't. My husband got jealous of all the attention I was getting and ended up having the surgery, just for the attention. He knows now how rough it was for me and feels bad that was was his driving motivation (to get back attention). Some of my friends act like they can't eat around me. I still am human and have to eat, but they limit themselves because they don't want to look like the "piggy" in the group by eating more than I do. It was okay for me to be the fat one out of us, but not okay with the tables turned. I don't take it personally anymore. If that is how she's going to act, you need to tell her that you need support through this and if she can't support you then she needs to reevaluate herself and her own issues before you allow her to degrade your decision for a better and healthier life. This is for you, your family, your health, your happiness, etc... You can't let her make you feel bad for that. Best wishes!!

[SmilingEyes 29]

Thank you, I keep thinking jealousy is possibly the thing here too, but why? She's done most of hers on her own. She's seen me struggle FOR 7 YEARS! What's there to be jealous of? Sheesh, I just don't get it!

why you ask... she is afraid that you will succeed and surpass her on this weight loss journey.. as long as you keep struggling and supporting her while she is loosing, she will be happy but the relationship will change and she knows it .. you will surpass her and that is what she is afraid of. Just a thought .. just saying.