Well, this morning my husband dropped the bomb on me that he's not really happy and is very stressed out because we haven't had sex in.... months.

I don't even know how many it's been. I lost count.

He's been trying, to his credit, and has always stated he's attracted to me, and there's no issues on his part. It's all on mine.

My libido is intact. I take care of myself privately, get it done and over with as fast as I can. (yes, I realize how pathetic and sad that is).

Well, here's why I don't much want to do it:

It's very hard, and painful. I cannot participate to any degree I used to. I'm pre-op, 5'1" and 280 lbs. About all I'm good to do is lay around like a beached whale. Add to that a compressed disc and sciatic back pain and it makes for a lot of discomfort.

Hygiene issues. I'm no longer able to reach my hoo-ha and things are overgrown and not as clean and nice as they oughtta.

Esteem / Psych issues. I dont' recognize my own face in the mirror and the depression and emotional pain makes me feel disgusting and shameful. When he wants to get close, I feel disgusting and shameful.

....which brings me here. I'm in tears because I feel like I've truly let him down, and been a shitty wife. And yet, I know I should probably just give him a HJ or BJ or *something* but if I myself do not feel sexy or attractive, it feels so wrong.

At the same time, I have to get my groove back. This surgery (mar 14) needs to not only save me, but my marriage. I am desperately hoping to get my groove back once I've lost the weight but between now and then?

Is it unreasonable to go a very long stretch in a marriage without sex while I get through this? Could use advice, esp. from those of you who've been in long/stable/happy marriages.

Bree he loves you! You need to love yourself before surgery! The sexy will come back after..

But the mere fact that you still "take care" of yourself means you are still a sexual being.

Girl go take a bubble bath tidy yourself up a bit down there (if you can get yourself off you can do a little) and have a nice evening with him. Have a glass of wine, and just love! Love yourself love him and love the future you are about to embark on!

Laura

Bree he loves you! You need to love yourself before surgery! The sexy will come back after..

But the mere fact that you still "take care" of yourself means you are still a sexual being.

Girl go take a bubble bath tidy your self up a bit down there (if you can get yourself off you can do a little) and have a nice evening with him. Have a glass of wine, and just love! Love yourself love him and love the future you are about to embark on!

Laura

He does love me, I am BLESSED in that respect.

Hmmm... I can't fit into a tub anymore and with my back issues I'd have a hard time getting back up in the first place. And yep, I can reach to do the "deed" because my "massager" is 18" long. Otherwise, nope, can't groom or reach.

I'll take your advice on the wine though. I have 3 more days before I have to start my pre-op diet. I'm not a drinker but alcohol might put me in a position of not caring about my self esteem issues.

Listen when I gained the weight a acquaintance ask me "how does your husband feel about it"

I told her my husband loves me and has always loved me "she told me oh how lucky are you to have such a great man" what the f**k?? I'm lucky why because I'm fat and he's a saint for sticking around??? Please he's lucky to have me!! Fat or not ! You are "blessed" my dear for having him... But he is blessed having you too!

Remember that and go make love

laura-ven That was excellent advice!! I have to agree with you when people make that tired worn out statement " How lucky I am to have such a great man" WTF? Taking care of 4 kids and him, plus working full time isn't easy but I get the job done. He lets me know quite often how lucky he is to have me! I guess people think because my body changed from small to large, his love for me changed from large to small. You've made so many great points, again great advice!

Bree, I agree with laura-ven.....I know it's hard, but I think you should make the effort for him and for yourself. You know that he loves you and that means he loves you the way you are. Whether or not you can do a lot in the bed and whether or not the hoo-ha is trimmed up nice and neat or it's au naturel, I don't think he's going to care. He's going to enjoy making love to his wife.

My late hubby always told me he didn't care what size I was. When I gained so much weight, he told me it was just more to love on

I thank all of you who made the effort to reply.

The issue of being immobile, huge, and in pain, combined with the hygiene issues are really... SMALL in comparison to my emotional / psychological shame and self-loathing issues.

I welcome any advice in battling these difficult emotions. Next step is to get a therapist.

Bree, if you have that much shame and self-loathing issues, then I would certainly think getting a therapist would be a good move. They can help you work through all of this and I think that's something that you should go ahead and start now. I have read many posts on here where others have said that they still see a therapist even months after their surgery, just to help with all of the changes they are going through.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and hope everything works out. Best wishes in your journey

I thank all of you who made the effort to reply.

The issue of being immobile' date=' huge, and in pain, combined with the hygiene issues are really... SMALL in comparison to my emotional / psychological shame and self-loathing issues.

I welcome any advice in battling these difficult emotions. Next step is to get a therapist.[/quote']

Yes Bree,

as Kimmy said therapy is important for a lot of us! I myself go and it's really a great thing to learn about, and work on oneself.

There may be more to your self loathing than just the weight (there usually is) and now is the time to take all of your steps to a happier healthier you.

But for now breathe and know you are making a positive step towards health and happiness... Relax enjoy your evening with the two people that matter (you and your husband) and take joy from the fact that you are going to do this together! ( surgery and maybe sex:)

Laura, as per usual, is right! And something to think about, if you feel better about yourself when you're nice a neat downstairs (I know I do) but you can't quite do the reaching... Get nice and clean, have a nice big glass of wine and get the hubby to do it (then you do his if he'll let you!!). You'd be surprised how fun that can be and maybe it'll be a little confidence boost to get things started

But definitely look into a therapist for both pre-op and post-op. A lot of counseling centers have therapists that can work with you individually but let you bring the hubby in as you wish to talk about your fears/concerns and such in a safe place that is separate from home to make it a little bit easier! Yes, losing weight is going to help, but we can't fall into the trap of thinking it will solve all of our problems either!

It sounds like your husband loves you very much and you obviously love him! If you're up for trying, he may be more understanding of your current limitations than you think, especially if you really talk to him about it... he apparently still wants you!

But look into therapy. It's a saving grace for me and I think it could really help you too!!

Just a suggestion ... Let your husband read this thread. It can be difficult to be rigorously honest, but it can be so liberating as well. It's funny how we like to think we have an intimate relationship with our spouses, yet we won't share the biggest issues we struggle with.

Then together, as a couple, you can work on whatever the struggles are. Your spouse will also learn it is OK to share deep, intimate things about themselves and you will come to know a whole new level of intimacy.

Intimacy is so much more than sex. Show him affection by flirting with your eyes. Holding hands. Give him a back rub. Invite him into the bathroom and let him groom you. It's very erotic and a huge turn on.

woman in me, you are so right. Thank you for that!!!

Woman in me and PDX man that's great advice. I'm kind if know how u feel - I don't have the physical limitations but I have the same emotional ones - firstly I can't believe why my partner is with me while I am so fat. Secondly I can't even fathom why my partner wants aec with me. Even cuddling us hard because I can't stop my head from thinking thinking thinking how disgusting I am.

Interestingly there are women out there who are way bugger than us and happy in themselves. It's all about how we think - therapy is so important.

Do your best to tidy up - make a lovely dinner- perhaps give him a massage - something tactile to demonstrate love and desire. He too has big feelings of rejection and maybe feels undesirable. Talk gently to him

And remember some man equate love with sex - for him it might be a simple request.

I understand too, if u really feel the back pain is too much and the mental anguish, PDX,an's advice might be the lesser of evils. It was embarrassing when I felt so ugly I did not want him touching me. It was embarrassing to tell him it was about me and how I felt like a whale. He understood, way better than I thought & I felt much closer to him & shortly after we had sex with the lights out.

Now 95 lbs less wowsie, I have not seen a vibrator in awhile, I see my man a lot and he sees me. For me it was the weight that kept me in a box, now I am very happy & have about 30 lb's to go.

I go to therapy too.

Best of luck, force yourself to talk to him, it is rough when your partner does not know your "truth"....rough on him. He can only imagine stuff, the truth is easier in the long run.