Hating Myself & Afraid Less than 6 Weeks Out...Long Post...Needing Support

[deedeemuffin 346]

I haven't posted in awhile because I have been so disappointed in myself & my journey so far. I have seen other people post about struggling & have seen a lot of people criticize them. I don't need that right now as I am already hating myself. I thought that I was prepared for this journey, but the reality has hit me hard. I had a large part of my stomach removed & I am never getting it back. I will never be able to eat the way I used to again. This should be a good thing, right? The first couple of weeks were the easy part. I went down 31 lbs. in the first 2 weeks & that is exactly where I have stayed. I am still 381 today. This is not a stall. I did have a stall during week 3 where I was completely on plan, but not losing anything. I actually gained. Then the small amount I gained came off & I haven't moved at all now for 2 weeks. This is completely my fault. I haven't been exercising. I haven't started my Vitamins. I don't get in all my Water every day. I don't follow my nutritionists guidelines. So, I am obviously not expecting that I would have gone down anymore. I have read so much on this board about people not being able to tolerate foods, sliming or vomiting. I know that is difficult for those people & I am not wishing that I would be sick. It's just that I have been able to tolerate anything & everything that I have tried. My offices food guidelines are very strict & I have not kept to them. According to my nutritionist my diet should be Breakfast: 1 Protein Shake, Lunch: 1 Protein shake, dinner 3 oz. of protein, 3 oz. of vegetable & 3 oz. of salad, snack (if needed) 1/2 a piece of fruit or 1% cottage cheese. Period. No drinking milk (not even in tea, coffee or protein shakes) though I am allowed cheese & yogurt & no carbs except what naturally occurs in the aforementioned dietary outline. I need to total 60-70 grams of protein a day, less than 20 grams of carbs per day & at least 64 oz. of water per day along with my vitamins & exercise. I do not know what is holding me back from following the program except my own mind maybe. I want to be able to treat myself. I want to enjoy my food. So, that is what I have been doing. I have been having flavored lattes multiple times per week over the past two weeks. Today I spent over 4 hours getting 10 chicken nuggets & a large mocha frappe into my stomach. I had nothing before & I know that I won't have anything until tomorrow. I have also been allowing myself 2 cigarettes a day. I am sharing all this for different reasons. One reason is there might be others going through the same thing & I want them to know that they are not alone. Another reason is that I need massive encouragement. Before anyone suggests professional help, I have already set that up. I am seeing my nutritionist again in 2 weeks instead of 4 because she knows that I am struggling. My surgeon's office also has a psychiatrist on staff that deals specifically with bariatric patients pre and post-op & I have set up an appointment with her. For years I have lost & regained the same 30 lbs. over & over again. I have not been below 380 in about 3 years now. I knew that getting sleeved wasn't going to "cure" my obesity. I just thought that I would have a longer period of time before I would be able to tolerate different foods & that I could resolve any other issues before then. I am feeling so sad & just beating up on myself. Yet, I keep giving myself a reason to beat up on myself every day. Every day this goes on the worse that I feel about myself. This should be incentive enough to stop, but I haven't. I have so many reasons to treat my body well and I am not. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this or know anyone else who has? Do you see something that I don't? Any words of encouragement? Any hope for me?+31

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

DeeDee,

My heart goes out to you. I'm only two weeks out but I have been able to tolerate everything I have tried with no issues whatsoever. I can drink normally -- not guzzling but definitely not sipping. The only time I had an inkling of an issue was when I tried Cream of Wheat which I had not watered down.... after a few teaspoons I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I stopped and it went away after a few minutes. Yesterday I wanted to eat (ok, slurp) all day...which I sort of did. Never much at one time and I still stayed under a 800 calories (I usually average 600 now) but it worries me.

I had my first post-op visit yesterday -- I told them I almost feel like I never had surgery. They assured me that once I transition to more solid food I will be able to feel the restriction. I hope so.

Maybe you are stuck in a cycle-- not losing weight, getting depressed, eating..... If you can maybe go back to full liquids for a week and see a major loss-- maybe that would help you get back on track?

Keep posting and sharing.... the fact that you recognize the problem and are open about it is really a good thing....you're not sticking your head in the sand.

Maybe you can find someone who you are accountable to on a daily basis... say a friend who can remind you to drink, take your Vitamins, Protein etc....I asked my husband to try to remind me -- I asked him to call me and ask Have you taken your Vitamins? Are you drinking?? ..and it has helped. When he calls I immediately go and make a Protein Drink or take my vitamins. Just a thought...

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am not a doctor so can't really make a good guess at what is going on, but i do want to offer you encouragement. None of us got to being over 300# without physical and emotional "issues" with food. You are not a bad person, you are just not on the right path. You are doing the absolute right thing reaching out for help.

One comment I would make is that your program seems very rigid. I currently eat low carb because i want to get to goal, but it was not required by my program and my program actually was about teaching us to eat small portions, but eat normal food. Your programs sounds an awful lot like a diet to me..which might be part of the problem?

So, how can some of us help you? The sleeve is a tool and there are things we do that influence how well it works. I am doing low carb right now, so even a year out I am having to remind myself to eat and often undereat. Not intentionally, that is just a consequence. This summer I got a little lax with my eating, my losses slowed down and my hunger increased. My body gets simple carbs and it wants more!!!!

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

One comment I would make is that your program seems very rigid. I currently eat low carb because i want to get to goal, but it was not required by my program and my program actually was about teaching us to eat small portions, but eat normal food. Your programs sounds an awful lot like a diet to me..which might be part of the problem?

I was thinking the exact same thing....that does sound like a rigorous pre-op diet....

[DUBrookie03 142]

Sorry to hear you are struggling!!! Looking at your nutritionist guidelines, I will have to say that they are EXTREMELY strict!!!! 20g of Carbs a day?? Wow. So my Dr's office recommends 60-80 g Protein and 60-100g Carbs, trying to stay no more than 15 per meal/snack. They also do not want us drinking Protein shakes once we are done with the liquid phase as we need to learn to get our Protein from real food. Do you think if you felt freedom to eat more than once a day that would help?? I'm sure your Dr. means well and wants to have you lose a ton, but what's the point if you're so miserable on their "plan" that you don't follow it? Why don't you try changing it up a bit? Now girl you know the chicken nuggets and frappuccino are not going to help so you gotta get away from that stuff, but that doesn't mean you should be forced to try to gag down nasty Protein Shakes for 2 of your 3 meals! There are tons of delicious yet nutritions foods you could substitue instead

So the Vitamins....I feel you. I am a terrible pill taker. I finally bought gummy vitamins for women, and I set 2 alarms to go off each day to remind me to take them.

I too have also had issues with getting all the liquid in. What I found worked was pouring it out into little 1oz plastic shot glasses that I swiped from the hospital. Then I give myself a goal, like 8 of them in one hour and I'll set another alarm for my deadline. It may sound silly but making it into little games has really helped. I was feeling so dehydrated before.

As for the exercise...I have not yet started that either other than walking, my program also includes fitness classes but we do not start those till week 3. Any exercise is good exercise. I know a lady that did nothing more than laps around her dining room table for an hour everyday as she sip sip sipped on water! It's FREEZING here and I hate treadmills so I've been going to the malls and walking around looking at all the clothes that I'll soon be able to wear and THAT keeps me motivated more than anything else (I love to shop!!).

Everyone's journey is different, you are not a failure. All it takes is tomorrow to get back on track. Your Dr is being overly restrictive and I think 90% of the people on here would tell you the same thing. Do what feels right for your body but don't poision your results with the emotional eating. We are here for you!

[turqq21 0]

Hello,

I THINK U BE JUST FINE... I JUST THINK REALITY IS JUST KICKING IN FOR U.. BUT TAKE A SECOND ASK AS URSELF Y DID U GET IT DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE..FOR A BETTER N HEALTHY U.. I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR U

[No game 14,436]

Ok I told myself I would never post to this site again ( long story)

But your post really got to me. Sounds like we had surgery about the same time..

This is a hard journey mentally, I have been able to eat my whole life past the point of full . Eat wait awhile till it doesn't hurt eat some more. this surgery doesn't really fix that does it? I talk to a couple of girls that I met in the hospital having the same surgery. Yesterday one of them called me and we laughed and talked about how she just got back from the movies and ate nachos and ice cream and it was easy! Darn that you only feel restriction from Proteins !! I mean eating chicken and fish cooked healthy didn't get me here!

That being said I know the struggle.

I read a book and still read it, its called

" Anatomy of a food addiction" and wow did it hit home!! There is some technical stuff in there that boggled my mine a bit but that book made me look at my problem differently and instead of hating myself I found a way to care about me and understand why I was doing what I was doing...

If by chance you have a "Nook" I could lend it to you. But if you don't they sell it on Amazon.< /p>

[kristikay 60]

I agree with the restriction of your diet being very hard to follow. I haven't had my surgery yet so i may not be the best to give advise but I have a couple books that I have been reading and getting ideas from and maybe you could get a book to help you with ideas on meals instead of the protien shakes. I have Weight Loss surgery for Dummies and I think that there is a cookbook that goes with it. As for exercising I am having to exercise now and I just started small with walking and riding my exercises bike. Just getting up to do it is the hard part but once I get started its not so bad. Just think of tomorrow as the first day and start over with a positive attitude. I keep telling myself I know I will feel like I am going through hell but it will be worth it when I get on the otherside.

[steele160 9]

As I read your post my heart sank! Friend, you are on a journey to a new you. This involves discovering ourselves and it sounds like you are. I am 22 days post op and I struggle daily with getting in water/liquids and Protein. I agree that you are in a rigid eating plan . Step ack- take a few deep breaths and gives yourself room for misses. Quit being are in you -sister- I screwed up and shoveled snow just over 2 weeks out and think I injured my stomach- but I own it and hope for the best in the mdst of the pain ;(. YOU GOT THS !!! Believe in yourself and take some moments to decide to do even one different - journey on friend, journey on!!

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

I was thinking the exact same thing....that does sound like a rigorous pre-op diet....

That post op diet sounds like a very strict pre-op diet or just a strict diet diet....obviously that did not work for you ( or any of us) so you made the decision to have WLS. Is the post-op diet the same for all of your surgeon's patients?

[TheGamer 406]

A couple things stood out to me in your post.

First was that I don't think I could ever eat as much as what was on that dinner plan. Nine ounces of food at a time that soon post surgery is a LOT of food. Especially so many vegetables. It just seems like a lot to me.

Second, and this is the hard part to discuss, is that I see a lot of self sabotage in your diet. Yes, the sleeve is there to help us lose weight, but we are still responsible for making a choice. A large mocha frappe is nearly 700 calories. For a lot of us, especially recently sleeved, that's a full day's worth of calories right there. It's a slider food, one that's not going to stress your sleeve, but isn't going to do you any good.

You know you're not making the right choices, but as many of us can sympathize with, if it were that easy to do, we would have done it without resorting to something like getting sleeved. If you have access to a psychologist that is familiar with eating disorders, I would encourage you to see them because while a board like this is good, it's no substitute for real help. I know I had to undergo a psych eval before getting sleeved, and if you had to as well, perhaps that individual is available for post surgery appointments, too.

You need to get at, and deal with, the reasons you're still working against your own best interests. You'll find a lot of great support here, but I'm not telling you anything you don't know by saying we can't do it for you. We will, though, be here to be a place to get support as you make the journey.

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

Sorry to hear you are struggling!!! Looking at your nutritionist guidelines, I will have to say that they are EXTREMELY strict!!!! 20g of Carbs a day?? Wow. So my Dr's office recommends 60-80 g Protein and 60-100g Carbs, trying to stay no more than 15 per meal/snack. They also do not want us drinking Protein shakes once we are done with the liquid phase as we need to learn to get our Protein from real food. Do you think if you felt freedom to eat more than once a day that would help?? I'm sure your Dr. means well and wants to have you lose a ton, but what's the point if you're so miserable on their "plan" that you don't follow it? Why don't you try changing it up a bit? Now girl you know the chicken nuggets and frappuccino are not going to help so you gotta get away from that stuff, but that doesn't mean you should be forced to try to gag down nasty Protein Shakes for 2 of your 3 meals! There are tons of delicious yet nutritions foods you could substitue instead

So the Vitamins....I feel you. I am a terrible pill taker. I finally bought gummy vitamins for women, and I set 2 alarms to go off each day to remind me to take them.

I too have also had issues with getting all the liquid in. What I found worked was pouring it out into little 1oz plastic shot glasses that I swiped from the hospital. Then I give myself a goal, like 8 of them in one hour and I'll set another alarm for my deadline. It may sound silly but making it into little games has really helped. I was feeling so dehydrated before.

As for the exercise...I have not yet started that either other than walking, my program also includes fitness classes but we do not start those till week 3. Any exercise is good exercise. I know a lady that did nothing more than laps around her dining room table for an hour everyday as she sip sip sipped on water! It's FREEZING here and I hate treadmills so I've been going to the malls and walking around looking at all the clothes that I'll soon be able to wear and THAT keeps me motivated more than anything else (I love to shop!!).

Everyone's journey is different, you are not a failure. All it takes is tomorrow to get back on track. Your Dr is being overly restrictive and I think 90% of the people on here would tell you the same thing. Do what feels right for your body but don't poision your results with the emotional eating. We are here for you!

I do the same thing with the little cups! It really helps... almost like little challenges! Great idea about setting the alarm for vitamins.... I'm going to set up my phone to start that tomorrow.

[steele160 9]

Sorry for the typos - ipad stinks sometimes

[Annie B 89]

Hi DeeDee,

I think you are confronting the battle going on inside your mind, and you should be congratulated. I do not know what is preventing you from letting yourself succeed, but you are seeking help and I am so happy that you are doing that. I truly feel like fear is involved, but only you have those answers - fear of failing? fear of succeeding? fear of losing something you have now? I don't know so I don't know how to encourage you except to say I will be praying that you discover what you need to succeed. You have it in you!

[Annie B 89]

Oh, and the Vitamins? I LOVE mine! I got chewable Multivitamins, chewable Calcium, sublingual B12 and Biotin lozenges. I'm only 2 weeks and a few days out, and have only advanced to moist and mushy foods 2 days ago, but my Vitamins are the highlight of my meals.

A lot of people above me have posted a lot of great things. You are not alone!