I'm not sure where to put this, but I figure exercise is the closest place to put it although a mental health forum might be a close second (if we had one).

Last night, I watched the plump pole dancer, and I was horrified and in awe all at the same time. She was doing things and seemed so much more confident with her body than I have ever been with mine. Plus, she was athletic. I doubt I could climb that pole now let alone when I was at my heaviest. It just made me feel like I did in gym class and couldn't climb the rope. I have never had upper arm strength. But here she is, and she is big but strong and flexible. She did drop splits!

I watched the whole thing imagining myself doing that, and I would be horrified. I found myself feeling embarrassed for her, and she wasn't embarrassed. Why should I be on her behalf? Two of the judges X'd her, and I was mortified for her. I swear I was cringing from the crowds booing her.

Today, I was worried about what people would be saying about her. I found this story online about her performance: http://www.baltimore...,0,608245.story

And suddenly, I had to rethink what I was seeing the night before. The story put a positive spin on her performance and even claimed the audience wanted to see more of her. My impression the night before was that the the audience was against her. To figure out the truth, I watched the video, and the audience was cheering. I realized that last night as I watched her, I projected all of my negative self talk onto her. That little negative voice that was in my head for so long when I was heavy but had disappeared since I've lost weight? It was still there and going full speed.

Last night, I remember being so impressed that she went out there in a bikini. I have never worn a bikini in public not even when I was a teenager and cheerleader. Her ability to go out there wearing that was amazing and something I couldn't do. Today, I also realized that she wasn't really wearing a bikini. It was a one piece that looks like a bikini with skin-colored material in between the top and bottom, but still she was wearing less than I would in public, plus she was pole dancing in front of a huge crowd. The girl has gumption and is athletic too.

It made me realize that I still have that negative voice inside my head, and I need to be on guard against it. I need to make sure that I'm not talking myself out of things before I really try them. I need to develop a more positive voice -- one with confidence and guts and a "who cares?" attitude. I should call the new voice Lulu.

Wow! Fantastic post! I know I do that too, I still project my "fat girl" thinking onto myself and sometimes onto others too. Losing a massive amount of weight truly messes with your head.

I didn't see the show, but I've seen plenty of very confident and beautiful plus sized women (and men). I'm always a bit envious of their confidence. I think the mental side of losing weight is often neglected - at least once you get past "food issues" it seems like surgeons and bariatric teams assume you are good to go.

Anyway...Great post, thanks for sharing this.

ETA: I just saw the video clip (at the bottom of the link posted above) and I thought it was awesome that the audience really got behind her. I didn't look as good as her when I was of a (likely) similar weight!

Interesting!!! thanks for posting!

Yeah I saw that too.. I thought it was definitely something interesting.. Kinda threw me for a loop especially when she did the hand stand I don't know how she had the strength in her shape to do all that... If she keeps it up though - her career I'm sure she'll lose a lot pole dancing is a good workout I hear.

It's true. Our heads really do influence our perceptions of even positive things! I did some paperwork for a stripper recently and we started talking about her job. I've posted before that I actually went to a strip club with friends and that I would love to look like those girls do when I get to goal. Anyway, the stripper told me that I should come audition at her club and I was shocked. I'm nowhere near my goal weight and I'd never take my clothes off in public. Her advice to me was that I should really do the audition because they have clientele that wants to see girls who are bigger... she even gave me some advice on dealing with areas that I think are flaws, like my abdomen!

Afterwards, I was stunned that I had to keep reminding myself that the conversation was intended by her to be flattering to me, because my brain kept concentrating on the negatives rather than the positive that this professional stripper was giving me.

Unless I get really desperate or my business tanks, I don't think anyone will see me headlining at the local strip club, but it is nice to know I have career options!

I just watched it. Go girl!!!

She was actually on the news a long time ago. I am from Baltimore and what the people said about her was thoughtless and rude. She has worked very hard and is in great health thanks to her hobby. She may be big, but I am glad to see she went ahead and decided to compete!

Today, I was worried about what people would be saying about her. I found this story online about her performance: http://www.baltimore...,0,608245.story

This is by FAR the funniest thing I have ever seen! And I'm not talking about her performance, that was fantastic, I'm talking about the bit with Nick Cannon at the end... I LMAO!

Ha Ha Ha. I saw this video on youtube. I hate to say it, but I was waiting for the pole to collapse. I couldn't imagine having the confidence to even try anything of that nature on public television.

I cringed when I saw it. I guess I kind of feel the same way as everyone else, thinking of myself doing it and never having the guts for such a thing, buy good for her to get out there and get it! Nick Cannon was pretty freakin hilarious too! I like how Howie was diggin her, hehe