I am doing a poll because I am trying to find a marriage that has not had some sort of cheating involved either from one spouse or another. I need your feedback guys. From the smallest indiscretion to the horrible, please tell me there is a relationship out there that had neither party cheating!! PLEASE!! Only sane people please reply.

My story...married 18 years, known him for over 25. We were high school sweethearts, broke up, married other people, started families, both got divorced, got back together just before the 10 year reunion, got married shortly after the reunion.

He was my first love...the cheating has been on his side, and all emotional. Don't let anyone fool you, it still hurts like a bitch.:smile2: His cheating comes in the form of inappropriate messages to other women in chat rooms and online forums. It also takes the form of visits to porno sites and sites set up by women who don't mind making money off their bodies. I don't mean that to sound judgemental - they don't force him to visit...

What hurts the most is that NONE of the people he chats with or looks at online look like me. If they were built similar to me, or looked a bit like me I think it would hurt less. In every other way he is a good man - a good provider, most often a good friend, a spectacular lover, great father.

It's just this one area of his life that I can't deal with...after I found out about the latest episode - it was worse a few years ago, one woman actually emailed me copies of their conversations to try and break us up - I told him how much it hurt me that he did this. I asked him if he would understand if I did the same thing. I think it opened his eyes...he definately would NOT like it if I did the same thing.

He's cut his online activities way down. How do I know? I have his email password and I can check. Whether he knows I have it or not, I really don't care...I don't want to be the last to know. I am more technologically savvy than he is, so I can check cell phone records, etc. If I find something I don't like, I ask - and then I keep copies in my very own evidence file.

If he screws up really bad (and it would take a LOT to get it to that level) then I've got evidence for the divorce. It would break my heart - he is the man I've loved forever, it seems, but if he doesn't want to stay, I can't make him.

What I can do is make ME happy...right now, staying with him makes me happy. We are working on our relationship and he is 100% supportive of me being banded.

I pray the current happy climate stays around for a long, long while...

My husband and I have been married for 9 years and neither of us have cheated. I think both of us came close a time or two but stopped before it went too far.

I wonder, is it in human nature to be monogomous or are we designed to be polygomous thereby requiring us to fight our nature to stay faithful?

Why do men think they can even propose cheating to women that are married? I am sick of it...:smile2:

I think it's especially true for men that if a woman turns them on, whatever part engages their lust also turns off their moral button. I know I'm generalizing and there are PLENTY of men out there who overcome temporary bouts of lust to stay faithful to their SO, so please send your letters to the Tonight Show instead! LOL

My husband and I have been happily married for around 7 years now. The first two were great the middle 3 real rough. We actually have a total of 12 years of marriage. Marriage can be tough sometimes, but we got through those tough times and have never been happier. I don't think our marriage would've survived adultery though. As far as I am aware my husband has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him. We fall deeper in love and lust each day.

No one knows if their other half has cheated or not. So how can you really answer that question? It is not like they are going to come up and say hey honey guess what I cheated today.! So for all of you who checked that you haven't cheated and neither has your partner. Just say that you don't think they have ;cause thats about all you have to go on.

Really??? Well, my first marriage ended because my ex cheated on me. I remarried to a wonderful man whose first wife cheated on him, a lot. His best friend cheated on his wife, he is no longer best friends with him because he said he can't respect anyone who would cheat on their spouse. We both know how bad it hurts. We have a wonderful relationship and are very passionate about each other. We have a great amount of respect, love and trust in each other. So, I stand by my answer of neither me or my spouse have cheated on each other.

Given my husband waited for me till he was 29 years old, I can be pretty sure he won't give up everything we have worked for together for a skanky bit of ass.

After all. He has me. And I am flipping *fantastic*.

No one knows if their other half has cheated or not. So how can you really answer that question? It is not like they are going to come up and say hey honey guess what I cheated today.! So for all of you who checked that you haven't cheated and neither has your partner. Just say that you don't think they have ;cause thats about all you have to go on.

This poster makes a very good point. No one of us can be absolutely certain that our mates have not cheated on us unless they are in a coma, solitary, or an iron lung. Otherwise all we can go on is a feeling or a hunch that they have not.

Too much emphasis is put on the "unforgivable" act of cheating. The act itself is generally just a biological force of nature. Not too surprising that so many people fall victim to it.

The part that can be unforgivable is not the sex act itself, it is the break down in communication or lack of respect or indifference by the cheater to the spouse being cheated on.

The real crime in marriages is the speed with which people kick each other to the curb over one person needing the sex or the appreciation or the understanding they get from someone of the opposite sex, outside the marriage.

If people expect marriage to work, they've got to communicate and find out why the person who has committed the indiscretion actually did it. If the cheater is just a complete ass, that's one thing. If they are good people, but just have some problem going on that can be fixed, that's different.

Forgiveness, understanding and communication can feed a marriage and make it healthier. It can forge a love bond that is far, far better than the hate that kicking someone to the curb causes you to experience.

And for God's sake people, you owe it to your children to try to figure it out and fix it. Granted all marriages aren't made in heaven, but we owe it to our children to make it work and be a two-parent family, if it is at all possible. We don't give up on our kids (mostly) and we shouldn't give up on our mates.

Really??? Well, my first marriage ended because my ex cheated on me. I remarried to a wonderful man whose first wife cheated on him, a lot. His best friend cheated on his wife, he is no longer best friends with him because he said he can't respect anyone who would cheat on their spouse. We both know how bad it hurts. We have a wonderful relationship and are very passionate about each other. We have a great amount of respect, love and trust in each other. So, I stand by my answer of neither me or my spouse have cheated on each other.

Sorry Susan no disrespect meant. But again you just proved my point. You are going by what he tells you!!!:wink_smile:

Too much emphasis is put on the "unforgivable" act of cheating. The act itself is generally just a biological force of nature. Not too surprising that so many people fall victim to it.

The part that can be unforgivable is not the sex act itself, it is the break down in communication or lack of respect or indifference by the cheater to the spouse being cheated on.

The real crime in marriages is the speed with which people kick each other to the curb over one person needing the sex or the appreciation or the understanding they get from someone of the opposite sex, outside the marriage.

If people expect marriage to work, they've got to communicate and find out why the person who has committed the indiscretion actually did it. If the cheater is just a complete ass, that's one thing. If they are good people, but just have some problem going on that can be fixed, that's different.

Forgiveness, understanding and communication can feed a marriage and make it healthier. It can forge a love bond that is far, far better than the hate that kicking someone to the curb causes you to experience.

And for God's sake people, you owe it to your children to try to figure it out and fix it. Granted all marriages aren't made in heaven, but we owe it to our children to make it work and be a two-parent family, if it is at all possible. We don't give up on our kids (mostly) and we shouldn't give up on our mates.

This is a very rational and generous post, I think. Cheating, unless it is chronic, might indicate that there is something amiss with the relationship. Chronic cheating is another ball of wax and it might be hooked into the cheater's lack of self-esteem. It has been my experience that many people who cheat are deeply in love with their wives; they cheat for other reasons. Sometimes they are bored with domestic sex and want a piece of strange. Sometimes they want someone who will pay attention to them, make a fuss over them, who won't be too tired, too angry, too critical....

This is not to say that it does not hurt when one discovers that one's mate is cheating. It happened to me and it does hurt. He was one of those chronic cheaters and for most of our short marriage I had no idea that he was not faithful. I kicked him to the curb in pretty short order after I found out. I have never regretted doing this. My life has been much more interesting as a result.

The woman he finally ended up with stood by him through decades of his cheating. She was often hurt but she loved him enough to put up with it and he always came home to her. He really loved her, you see. He loved her the best of all. Had I not kicked him out, her life would have been mine. She has become, by the way, one of my closest friends. It is for this reason that I never say anything negative about my ex to her. I let her do all the talking.

Mornin' all,

This has been an interesting thread for me...I have been married for nearly 19 years, second time around for both of us. My first spouse did not cheat (that I know of) but was emotionally unavailable, dishonest and eventually it ended our marriage.

My current husband is a gem of a man - 90% of the time. I know I'm no 100% prize either, so I figure we are well matched!:tongue2:

His infidelity comes in the form of online flirtations. Yep, he's done it before - I found out because one of the 'ladies' called our house looking for him. That wasn't something he initiated - she Googled him and found our phone number (that was before I had it unlisted from Google). I had no idea - I was very hurt and it was quite a while before I felt I could trust him again. I know he still does it - he passes out compliments to other women online on a regular basis. How do I know? Because I have a membership in the forum where he posts his messages. He knows I am there - at first he didn't but he does now. His messages have gotten more generic and less personal since I joined.

Do I love him? Absolutely. Will I continue to stay with him? Yes - because his online activities are somewhat hurtful, but nothing serious has come of them. How do I know that? I have control of the bank accounts (and I check for 'missing' transactions when I balance the checkbook), I can also check his cell phone records if I feel the need - we share a 'family plan'.

Do I like doing this? No - absolutely not. Do I wish I didn't have to? Yes, absolutely. I don't do any of those things - visit chat rooms, compliment other men online, etc. I don't understand why he does it and I don't condone it, but I am not ready to give up on my marriage yet.

He treats me well, is a great father to our children, and a good provider. Could I make it without him? Yes - because my mamma didn't raise no fool - but do I want to? No - not yet.

If I ever find out that he has arranged a meeting with another woman face-to-face, or if I find out that he is doing more than flirting online (sexually explicit conversations, for instance), then I will have to re-evaluate. His first marriage ended because of infidelity - she got pregnant by another man while he was deployed with the armed forces - so I want to believe that he would not want anyone else to suffer through that.

That is what keeps me going...that and the fact that even with his faults, he's still the best man I've ever known or been with. I will not throw away 90% for that elusive 10% which I might or might not get from another man.

I'm no expert on faithfulness or a lack thereof. Green sure has me beat on that one. But I have been married to a wholly dishonest man. One whom I have no idea if he cheated on me with another woman or not. As dishonest and uncommunicative as he was, I wouldn't doubt that he did for one minute. I kicked him to the curb as quickly as I could and didn't wait to find out how bad it was. I can't say I have never regretted it. We had a beautiful baby boy and I always regretted that he didn't have his biological father in his life on a daily basis.

That being said, I am remarried to a wonderful man with the highest morals whom I love with all my heart. He adopted my son and has been a fantastic father to him and my son knows who his "real" father is - his adoptive one. But I've often wondered if I had been mature enough and smart enough and had more experience in relationships, could I have made my first marriage work for all three of us? Maybe not, but I know I was awfully quick to give up on us. I was young, unhappy and the guy wouldn't talk to me. So I fled and left him bleeding on the curb.

Ebony have you thought about putting as much energy into finding out why he does what he does online as you have spent checking up on him?

If it were me I wouldn't - couldn't - be happy with a situation like that as an ongoing thing. I would have to discuss it, find some answers and get some help. And that is my mature, experienced self talking. If I didn't like the answers and couldn't find the kind of help we needed, THEN I'd probably kick him to the curb. But if answers were available to us, and he was able to work with me in finding a solution to our problems, I would feel gratified and happy and might have set us on a path to happiness, pride and fulfillment.

Ebony have you thought about putting as much energy into finding out why he does what he does online as you have spent checking up on him?

If it were me I wouldn't - couldn't - be happy with a situation like that as an ongoing thing. I would have to discuss it, find some answers and get some help.

Hi BJean,

Yep, I've asked...I don't think he really knows the reason why he does what he does, or at least he isn't ready to verbalize it to me. I wanted to know - no matter how much it hurt.

In fact, the 'wilder side' of him (how he explains his activity) is more a reflection of what his first wife did to him...she 'explained' her infidelity by saying it was her 'wilder' side that she wanted to explore without being 'tied down'.

My answer to that whole arguement was that he should have TALKED to me about it instead of assuming that I wouldn't want to play with him. I've said that before, but I guess the message hadn't gotten through until now.

That said, I understand why you said what you did - and the way you described your first marriage sounds a lot like mine. He gave me a gorgeous son, and that's the best thing he EVER did for me. Dishonest and uncommunicative - yep that was him! My husband also wanted to adopt my son, but his 'natural' father wouldn't give permission. When my son turned 16, he changed his last name to my husbands - and they are truly father and son.

I have noticed some things about when he's flirting online - it usually comes after a period when WE have not connected emotionally or physically. Ya know when things get busy, sometimes you let the 'us' in your marriage fall into second place, and that's when I notice he's online more than usual.

Actually, I've stopped most of my 'checking up' activities - I have come to the conclusion that I can't stop him from doing anything he wants (not really) and if he chooses to leave, it will be because he CHOSE that, not because I DROVE him to it. He was a 'good boy' for so long (raised by very strictly religious parents, service in the military) that now he thinks he's got to explore this 'wild side'.

I have drawn lines on this battlefield - he knows exactly how I feel about it all, and I must admit that after talking to him honestly about how much it hurts me, the activity has decreased and the flirting (that's how I describe it) has lessened. I also have to say that I may be over-reacting...I have my own insecurities and fears and personal demons - mostly around my appearance, and a big part of why I had the surgery. I want to be the healthiest, strongest and most physically beautiful ME I can be, and if he chooses not to stay when that happens because of his own reasons, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

I must say that he has been extremely supportive throughout my banding - even following my pre and post-surgery diets with me. He shows me just about every day through his actions that he loves me, but I just can't figure out why I don't satisfy 100 percent of him (or why he won't allow me to).

It's not an easy situation - and I don't blame you for NOT wanting to deal with it. It's the way I have chosen to life my life and the man I've chosen to live it with. Except for this one thing - and I admit, it's been a big thing at times for me - I feel he's perfect for me.

I don't know how else to explain it...and thank you for asking and caring - it does make me examine my motives and reasons closely, and that can only be a good thing.:wub: