Should I put off dating for a year?

[Anakin Jay 39]

Hello All,

Here's something I've been really struggling with.

I'm 4.5 months pre-op (out of 6 total) and I just met a girl. She seems pretty nice, and taking the surgery out of the picture, I think I would be pretty excited.

But in the back of my head, I keep thinking... a year from now I'll be an entirely different person.

How do I know I'll still like her? or her me?

How can I try develop a relationship with all this crazy sleeve business going on?

What if she bakes me pies or something.. or we end up eating out all the time and it sabotages my WL efforts?

I'm getting to the point where I kind of feel like maybe I should just wait until a year post op before I even think about dating..

Has anyone else been through this?

[Tiffykins 672]

I was already married when I had my surgery, but I can tell you that I didn't change as a person just because I lost weight. I'm still the same girl I was at 270lbs. Not every single person changes because of weight loss surgery. The only difference will be your pant size, and your eating habits. Unless those 2 things make up your entire personality and character then you'll still be the same guy, just smaller clothes and appetite.

You might find her to be your biggest cheerleader and support system. She might not sabotage your efforts since she will be with through the process. My husband tried to sabotage my efforts, but I don't think he did it on purpose. He just wasn't used to me saying "no" to his offers to eat some of his Desserts so it took a few months for him to quit offering me little treats.

Maybe someone will chime in that was in the same situation, but I wouldn't throw out the possibility of a wonderful relationship just because I was going to have surgery. You might not like her in a year because, well, it's been a year. People change through the seasons for different reasons. I eat out all the time, and have since being just a few months post-op, and it didn't sabotage anything about my weight loss.

I do agree that you'll have to focus on you, and making your goals, but I would have not been able to do it without the amazing support I received from my husband. At first, he didn't like all the physical changes, he did embrace all the food changes, and we are better off today because I'm better today than I was at 270lbs.

[Gaylebco 11]

perfectly said Tiff. She is right, if you care for this girl talk to her, let her know how you feel and see how she reacts. Tell her things will change with your body and eating habits and see if she will support you...if after a year you and her are not compatable, any numbers of things may have happened over that time.

Good luck to you!

[SharonL 1]

Agree with the others. You're not going to change - other than physically - your personality will be the same. Yes, you will be able to do different activities and be more active. If she's heavy - maybe you will motivate her. Talk to her and see how things progress.

[CT Fats 82]

Im not sure how long you've known her, but if you feel comfortable I think honesty is the route here. Let her know you are going to have WLS and lose a lot of weight, tell her the portions you will be able to have, tell her what activities you are gonna engage in and let her decide if she wants to come along for the ride. Good Luck

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I can see both sides of this. I think you will still be the same person, so I wouldn't worry so much about that. For me, the question would be how much will a new relationship distract me from the goal of getting this weight off? the honeymoon period for WLs is short, and I plan to try to do everything in my power to not be distracted from that complete focus. Of course, I already have hubby and kids.... so have plenty of distractions...lol

[Lisalu 89]

I started dating at 6 months post op. He already knew about the surgery so I didn't have to decide whether or not to tell him. I probably would have told anyway--I mean I eat like a bird now and clearly it's a bit odd. Dating was not a problem. I say if you like her, go for it.

[SouthernSleever 228]

I don't know. If I were you I would stay friends and see where that goes. I would have loved to be the size I am now and single, back in tha day.

[former_vbg 198]

For what it's worth, I will throw my 2cents in. As a single female, I have made the decision to not date until I get a little closer to my goal but that is a bit of a two edge sword here. If/when I meet someone at a more healthy weight, I will probably always have in the back of my head, "would he still like me at the weight I was?" Always having that fear of the food demons haunting me "what if I fail and gain it back, then will he run?" Mind you, I have no intentions of gaining anything back, but I can't predict what the future will look like in 5, 10, 20 years. Yes, your spouse/ partner is supposed to love you for who you are... but there is a realty that most of us know is not always the case. I know of one woman who had WLS and got down to a very slim size. It was about 2 years later when she left her husband who was still a bit overweight, but carried it well for a man. I don't think what she did was right, but she became very critical of him.

On the other hand, if I were to start dating now, I also feel concerned about being distracted from reaching my goal. I have very little spare time as it is and it takes a lot of effort for me to get in exercise in the little time I do have and if I felt like I was having to make the choice to either go on a date or exercise, I would probably become resentful of that person. I don't think it's realistic to ask that person (particularly in a newer relationship) to exercise with you.

I really hate dating for the most part as a heavier person because I can tell you I have experienced where you meet them for the first time and you can see in their eyes or body language, "oh, you are THAT heavy"..... Most of the time they are polite, and then you go on your merry way.... So, I guess I have become discouraged with the dating scene for now and at least for me, I have decided to wait for a while longer.

Since you have already met someone, like others have said, if you feel like you can be honest with her about what lies ahead for you- then do so. If not, then I would not encourage the relationship to progress any further. Only you will know what feels right.

[Anakin Jay 39]

I'm pretty sure I can relate to *Every* post here, lol...

On the one hand, I don't want to waste a perfectly good chance at love, she seems really awesome...

On the other hand, like SouthernSleever said, There's a big part of me that wonders what it would be like to be skinny and single. I never got to experience that part of life, I've been heavy since I was 12.

Still not sure what I'm going to do, but at least these are good problems to have

[Lisalu 89]

I reached goal in 6 months (I didn't have that much to lose and lost before the surgery) so I did hit the dating game skinnier than I had been for 20 years. It ROCKED. I felt sexy in clothes. I felt sexy without clothes. The guy was a bit fluffy---which I like, but it was so weird to have him be self-conscious about his weight but have me NOT be. We've since broken up but I feel so much more date-able than I have in the past. I may be the same person inside but let me tell you, men treat me differently.

[Anakin Jay 39]

Well, I ended up going on the date, and it was pretty terrible I kept talking about everything I was passionate about in life trying to get her to come out of her shell, and finally she says "Man, it's great you're into so many things, I really don't have passion about anything, I kind of just sit around, and go to work."

LOL.

It was a really awkward date. I had fun, but I probably would have had 95% as much fun without her there

So I think I'm going to take that as a sign, and just hold off on dating for a bit, looking forward to experiencing what dating is like as skinny folk

[former_vbg 198]

Wow, how boring to not be passionate about ANYTHING in life. I can't even imagine not having some sort of interests about something. Good luck to you!

Well, I ended up going on the date, and it was pretty terrible I kept talking about everything I was passionate about in life trying to get her to come out of her shell, and finally she says "Man, it's great you're into so many things, I really don't have passion about anything, I kind of just sit around, and go to work."

LOL.

It was a really awkward date. I had fun, but I probably would have had 95% as much fun without her there

So I think I'm going to take that as a sign, and just hold off on dating for a bit, looking forward to experiencing what dating is like as skinny folk

[Anakin Jay 39]

Wow, how boring to not be passionate about ANYTHING in life. I can't even imagine not having some sort of interests about something. Good luck to you!

haha yeah, it was reaaallly awkward. I get the impression that she didn't even have something she WANTED to be passionate about.... she was quite content to be in her little bubble, and more power to her.

But that's not where I belong

[Lissa 2,631]

Jay, I see you've already gone on the date and it tanked, but that's not because of your weight, it's because of her personality (or lack thereof). I spent the last few days with a friend I've known for 14+ years, through gaining my weight, including the occassional weight-loss "success" that turned into a regain. He told me that he actually prefers me bigger, as I am now. However, he'll "adjust" to me at a smaller size, because he cares about me that much. THAT is the kind of person to look for, IMO. Someone who can and will accept you now and will accept you later, no matter what changes. I hope you find that person, but you are right that your journey (mine too) now includes being self-centered in a wonderful way!

At our WLS meeting the other night, we were talking about how people's self-esteem changes as they lose weight. Most people have a better body image and, therefore, start being more discerning in whom they date.The consensus was that being thinner will definitely enable you (and me) to choose relationships with people who have more in common with us, simply because more people will be looking at us. Good luck!!!