How supportive is/was your spouse

[USMCwifeandTEACHER 3]

While husband didn't say anything negative about my surgery, he freaking buys fast food all the time and eats it right in front of me. He's NEVER been overweight (although I'd love to see what his LDL levels are). I think this is majorly unsupportive...

Since the surgery he's been in the car with me and purchased fast food and eaten right in front o me. He could buy food, or I could cook something but he doesn't like what I like. So if I make something then he'll just complain. * sigh*

Am I wrong to feel this way or am I just being a spoiled brat?

[movetolose 2]

I have to say that my hubs has been on board 100% from day one.....went with me to the seminar, the appts, we did the on line research together. He does make 'mistakes' when eating infront of me from time to time. He's human and tries so all is forgiven.

Have you talked to your hubs about it bothering you and being hard? maybe he doesn't relaize?

[1-4-Many 2]

Not married but been together almost 10 years. He's been pretty good. In the first days after the surgery when I was still feeling hunger and not able to eat at all he would leave if it was fast food, or warn me off to go upstairs if it would bother me when he cooked. He's glad I'm doing this as it will open the world back up to me and he likes me enough to want that for me. (Trust me, in a case like this I'm convinced there is a big difference between like and love.) And the best thing of all, he told me that when we go out to eat now that I'm merging back into real food, I get to take the best bites off his plate. The two longest fries and the one best bite of the other two things. Believe me, that's a sacrifice!

And overall it does not bother me at all that he eats in front of me. But in terms of full disclosure, I'm finding fast that the reason I have not minded the food transition at all is probably due to my shopping picking up like crazy. Thank goodness I am a thrift store shopper and we keep our finances 100% separate...well, expect for sharing and gifts. But I can clearly see where my addiction issues have rolled to.

[lunarose 97]

Hi,I don't think you are wrong or being a brat. My husband has been very supportive he even will drink a Protein Shake for Breakfast with me.

[decamom 31]

My hubby is very supportive and right after surgery he would ask if I minded if he ate in front of me. I thought this was very sweet but not necessary. I am the one with the weight issue, not him. I am the one who needed the surgery because I couldn't control my issue, not him. I don't want to be harsh here but I don't think it is right to make him suffer (his stomach is normal sized) with little or no eating in my presence just because I got sleeved. I encourage him to eat what ever he wants when I am around. We went to a great burger joint and he asked if it would bother me if he ate the burger in the car. I was very happy to have him do so as the smell was wonderful. I totally enjoyed the aroma and didn't feel I was being cheated at all.

I think that we as sleevers made this decision to have surgery for our health and well being. I do not think it is fair or right to put the weight of that onto our loved ones. Instead of focusing on what we cannot have (large amounts of tasty food) focus on what we can have like smaller waistlines, better health , less medications, more energy and longer, happier lives.

I apologize in advance if I am stepping on toes but I really feel it is unfair to our loved ones to make them feel bad for doing what they have always done. We are the ones who have changed and we did it on purpose.

Lovingly,

Laura

[Tiffykins 672]

Personally, I can relate to how it is to have a husband that does NOT struggle with his weight, and honestly, my husband is built like a brick poophouse thanks to the USAF and strict PT regimen. However, he eats healthy, I've never fried foods, but he eats ice cream 4 nights a week. I pack his lunch for him 98% of his duty days, and those lunches consist of Golden Graham and Chex Mix snack bar, a Mello Yello or Lipton canned tea, and whatever we had for dinner the night before as his lunch.

I do NOT think it is right, or I should expect my husband or my son to cater to my eating or food weaknesses. I refuse to deprive them of foods because of my choice to have surgery. It's my body, my choice, my brain, my future health, as much as I'd like to sit here and say that's not fair what he is doing, I don't think it's not supportive. I think he is responsible for his health, and you are responsible for your health. He is not responsible for your obesity just as you are not responsible for outrageously (possible) high cholesterol or lipid panels.

If he's going to complain what you prepare, then he can prepare or conjure up his own food. My husband does not ever complain about what I cook, but I also make food that is to all our preferences. My husband seriously never turns down what I prepare, and he is very supportive of my weight loss. There are some things I just don't eat anymore and it's because I don't want to eat it.

[mnbsleeve 87]

Perhaps you need to leave the room or step out until he's done with his meal. Just letting him know this is really hard for right now, it may change later, and I need to (go to another room, step away, etc.) As someone said, if he doesn't know it's really hurting you, he may not know how to respond. I don't think you're a brat!!! You're just trying to do your best with this new tool and your brain and body are both trying to figure things out. Best of luck to you. Hope you can work something out with hubby!

[ybnormal 21]

When I first talked to my husband about the surgery he said "I'm a smart husband and I have no opinion." This was his mantra throughout the pre-surgery days. We've been married over 20 years and so yes, he *is* a smart husband. I thought I would have no support after I got home from surgery but to my surprise he called me several times when I was in Mexico and was so happy to see me get back home he unpacked all my stuff and helped me get settled in. As far as eating in front of me goes, the first few days were very hard for me so I took myself away from it quietly because I didn't want to make he or my kids feel guilty for eating in front of me. I would take a bath, read a book in my room, etc...anything to get away from the food that I wanted so badly.

It really IS a give and take in a marriage and while you want him to respect and understand your choices, you have to give him the same courtesy. He didn't have the surgery and isn't obese. My husband is the same and I have to remember that. He should be allowed the same choices I have which is to eat what he wants and do what he wants with his body. After all, he allowed me to make my own choices. My choices aren't always his but I know the most important thing...he's always got my back...I could care less if he eats Burger King once in a while.

Renee`

[BajaMedGroup 6]

I have seen all kinds of variants in this one. There are the 100% supporters that almost bring out the pom-poms, and then there are the negative spouses that do nothing but try to look at the things that go wrong or that can go wrong because of the surgery.

The bottom line is that you have to find a 'formula' that works for you. If that means spending some time with a support group, then so be it. Other patients of mine have gone to group therapy (which I STRONGLY recommend). If you are having trouble/issues with your spouse, you can run this idea by him. I always tell my patients that THEY have to adjust to the world, not the other way around. If you do the latter, then you just set yourself up for disappointment.

Best of luck,

Dr. JSA

[ahoy 3]

To contradict what Tiffykins (don't hate me and a couple others have said:

It's not "punishing" your spouse if you ask him to eat fast food somewhere else. Nope. Not at all.

Imagine if you were a recovering alcoholic just a month in. Would it be "punishing" your spouse to ask him not to drink a whole bottle of your favorite wine in front of you? No. That would be reasonable. It would be unreasonable to ask him to not drink at all (or not eat fast food at all), because YOU can't at all. THAT would be bratty. But that's not what you're talking about. You are fighting an addiction and you want your husband to help you steer clear of it until you get yourself under better control.

That is totally fine, not bratty.

Is it possible that part of the reason this hurts you so much is because you otherwise don't feel very cherished and supported by your husband on your journey?

[Browneyedsouljah 5]

I have yet to be sleeved but i am doing the three month pre-op diet. My partner eats whatever she wants whenever she wants and I cannot. Initially I think I felt like you and was taken back that she ate greasy foods in front of me or would cook something I shouldnt eat. However; I had to take accountability for myself. She has lost the weight she wanted to and eats how she wants, I have not and should not expect her to change because of me. What i did do, was ask her when she cooked to prepare mine a little different or substitute chicken for burger and so on. I also gave her a short list of healthier foods to pick up for me if she should do the shopping. I think it's helped us. She doesnt feel bad that i don't eat her cooking sometimes and I feel good that I can stay on track.

[Tiffykins 672]

To contradict what Tiffykins (don't hate me and a couple others have said:

It's not "punishing" your spouse if you ask him to eat fast food somewhere else. Nope. Not at all.

Imagine if you were a recovering alcoholic just a month in. Would it be "punishing" your spouse to ask him not to drink a whole bottle of your favorite wine in front of you? No. That would be reasonable. It would be unreasonable to ask him to not drink at all (or not eat fast food at all), because YOU can't at all. THAT would be bratty. But that's not what you're talking about. You are fighting an addiction and you want your husband to help you steer clear of it until you get yourself under better control.

That is totally fine, not bratty.

Is it possible that part of the reason this hurts you so much is because you otherwise don't feel very cherished and supported by your husband on your journey?

I would never hate anyone for having a different opinion. I do see your point, and agree that he could not chow down in front of her. But, I don't think it's fair or appropriate to challenge his food choices.

You bring up a valid point. I don't think I have a food addiction nor do I think ever obese person that chooses WLS is a true food addict. I've dealt with addiction in other forms, and it was easy for me to walk to away from food so I can't compare overeating/my obesity to my nicotine addiction. My husband quit smoking even while we lived together, and he never asked me to not smoke around him. He said that smoking was his issue, and I wasn't ready to quit. The tables have been turned big time. He started smoking again, and since the pregnancy, I've quit and he hasn't.

To the original poster, make sure you communicate to him how difficult this transition is and you'd appreciate some consideration. Unfortunately, he might not respond in a positive manner. Communication is key during this time.

[Marie from Michigan 11]

I think it is dangerous to expect others to change their habits in order to help me cope with my food issues. That means that when I "fall off the wagon" I get to blame them because they ate in front of me. I was sleeved 8 weeks ago and I never expected anyone - spouse, kids, siblings, co-workers to change anything. I eat out in restaurants daily and those with me order whatever they want with no regard for me. I either take my own food or find something to order off the menu. We even stopped at a Friday's on the way home from the hospital and I prepared powders?utm_source=BariatricPal&utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_campaign=CommentLink" target="_ad" data-id="1" >unjury after requesting a small glass of water!

I went out for drinks with co-workers about 4 weeks post op. As per habit, they order several appetizers including a huge plate of nachos. Someone was thoughtful enough to ask if it bothered me and I truthfully said "no., I am just relieved I don't need to eat it." It was so much food it turned my stomach! I did order an ice tea that evening and nursed it for two hours. I think I only drank about 1/2 cup of it. I have been to McDonalds multiple times (take my own food), Big Boy (1 egg scrambled), Fridays (chicken tortilla Soup, French onion soup), Red Robin (hamb without bun), Wendy's (chili), Red Lobster (shrimp cocktail), Logans (chopped steak), Perkins (cheese omelete) and others. I went to a fancy luncheon at work earlier this week because my boss was getting a big award. They served hot chicken salad in a puff pastry, baby carrots, red skin potatoes, spring mix salad, and lemon cake. I ate about 1/4 cup of the hot chicken mix (yick, but I ate it), 1 bite of lettace, and 1 bite of the lemon cake (its my absolute favorite!). On the way home (it was a long ride), the car stopped at Mc Donalds for Diet Cokes and Fries. I passed and drank my bottled Water.

My thinking is that there will ALWAYS be people eating and drinking things that I need to pass up. I need to be strong enough to resist the temptation even when it is right in front of me. Because seriously, it will always be right in front of me.

Now, let me say that my family, friend and co-workers have all been tremendously supportive. Only one of my friends mentioned to me a month after surgery that she was really scared for me because another friend of hers had had serious complications after a gastric bypass. She discussed with a 3rd mutual friend that she wanted to try to talk me out of it and the 3rd friend told her not to since I had done my research and my mind was made up. I am glad she didn't say anything before surgery.

I have to leave home know to go to a Breakfast meeting that will have a huge spread of food including donuts, Cookies, sweet breads, etc. I am taking my greek yogurt (pineapple) and my own Decaf coffee since they only have regular.

Stay strong!

[Dawn 16]

Personally, I can relate to how it is to have a husband that does NOT struggle with his weight, and honestly, my husband is built like a brick poophouse thanks to the USAF and strict PT regimen. However, he eats healthy, I've never fried foods, but he eats ice cream 4 nights a week. I pack his lunch for him 98% of his duty days, and those lunches consist of Golden Graham and Chex Mix snack bar, a Mello Yello or Lipton canned tea, and whatever we had for dinner the night before as his lunch.

I do NOT think it is right, or I should expect my husband or my son to cater to my eating or food weaknesses. I refuse to deprive them of foods because of my choice to have surgery. It's my body, my choice, my brain, my future health, as much as I'd like to sit here and say that's not fair what he is doing, I don't think it's not supportive. I think he is responsible for his health, and you are responsible for your health. He is not responsible for your obesity just as you are not responsible for outrageously (possible) high cholesterol or lipid panels.

If he's going to complain what you prepare, then he can prepare or conjure up his own food. My husband does not ever complain about what I cook, but I also make food that is to all our preferences. My husband seriously never turns down what I prepare, and he is very supportive of my weight loss. There are some things I just don't eat anymore and it's because I don't want to eat it.

I also do not expect anyone to cater to my eating, never have even before surgery! I am a SUPER SUPER Pickey eater so I have always delt with people eating things around me that I don't like, I get over it, it's MY Issue! LOL

My husband is VERY supportive and was even going to have the surgery himself but decided to give it another try by himself while I went through this journey! When we live together (been apart for work for a few months) I cook and what I cook I know the whole family will eat and thats what we eat! Even just after surgery, I still cooked dinner but I had my drink or whatever it was I was having! Everyones addiction is different and mine wasn't just food in general, it was totally just a volume thing for me. I really don't like food that much but those few things (junk food) that I do like I could eat such a HUGE amount of before surgery, so it wasn't hard for me to cook anything for my family then or even now (even though I eat just about everything again, in moderation of course!)

In our familiy, not just one of us goes out to eat. If we are going to spend money on going out to eat we will ALL go out! I have been eating fast food since I started back on solids. Traveled 1800 miles right at my 6 week mark, didn't have much of a choice! My first fast food was just the roast beef from an Arby's Sandwhich and then just the plain chicken breast from McDonalds! It can be done!

[To Be Thin 2011 80]

Question... did your husband always buy fast food and eat it infront of you? or possibly you both with have fast food and eat it together?

I agree with Baja Med, you have to find a formula that works for you, and if I can add, it should be non-confrontational. My doc told me ahead of time that this surgery is an adjustment to your hormones. My husband was with me during this visit and the doc turned to my husband and told him I am going to have good days and then I am going to have Mr. Hyde days and could be totally out of character. I have noticed mood swings a lot since surgery and I notice at times I have become angry over something totally stupid that normally I would have ignored. So with this being said,, lets just "suppose" eating fast food infront of you was nothing out of the ordinary prior to surgery... Have you talked with him and told him this makes you uncomfortable now?

Maybe the next time he brings home fast food, you can use your built up feelings to go for a brisk walk! LOL! Try it!

Good luck finding the right formula that will work for you,,, it is your journey.