This probably doesn't belong on this site, but I'm feeling like crying and thought I would just write what I'm thinking which I think has been giving be head hunger all day.

I'm 51 had a very short lived and disastorous marriage about 4 years ago...I know my weight has kept me from opportunities to explore relationships with men I've really been attracted to who I know have liked me on every level but haven't been attracted to me physically. I'm not angry at them...I have my preferences too and I understand attraction is an important component.

So about 2 months ago I met someone (from a personal ad) who I had a couple of really amazing dates....we communicated almost every day and then a month ago he started a new job and he's gone almost radio silent. I totally understand being busy and priorities, but he hasn't even checked in since I've been back from my surgery. I had fallen into some of my school girl crush stuff...thinking he might be someone long term. Two of my best pals who were both single for years and years just celebrated one year anniversarys with their new partners and although I am over the moon thrilled for them....it just feels like another place I'm not picked.

I was tempted to write him but decided that I deserve someone who would have made an effort to see how I am....I did have surgery after all...nobody is that busy....so I'm not writing to him...I'm writing on here instead.

All my fat girl stuff is raging right now. Years of being told I wasn't pretty...years of acting confident and pulled together when I was shaking inside. Being a 300 pound woman has made me invisable to men....I told someone today that it's not that I get bad looks...It's just they look right through me. Now I'm over 50 and it feels like I've wasted so many years and opportunities.

Ok...I'm whiney, and sad and I'm going to go take out my contacts...cry a couple of tears and then put on my big girl panties and hit my knees and express my gratitude for all the blessings I do have....my heart just hurts a little right now...

If you read this....thank you for indulging me....

I understand. I've been there before too.

You are smart to not write him.

HIS LOSS.....who needs a guy that doesn't check on his girl after her surgery???

Not you!!!

there's always that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and you definitely deserve the best....and you will get it!!! goodluck

Gosh. Am I the only one who thinks he may have missed that you have had surgery. It happens, especially if there is a lot going on. You Prince charming doesn't come banging on the front door dress in his armor on a steed. Give the guy a chance and find out. It may all be a misunderstanding. Write to him.

City, we have all been where you are with this. Just remember you'll be at goal in no time and learning to date when you don't have a bunch of experience with it, is a whole new experience!

Thanks for this post! I needed to hear all of it. I too get lonely, rejected or connected with men who don't offer all I'm worthy of. I know my "picker"'s been broke for quite some time.

I've also been having issues at work and although its not the same these positive reminders and new ideas help so much. I think because of the change which is right around the corner for me, life has gotten a bit bizarre. I know this is another lesson, Ughh, but this too shall pass and I'll be in a better place! My surgery date has been firmed up at work. My date is Tuesday, May 18th! Hooray!!!! Love to all of you, Sheryl:blush:

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh......... anyone ever hear the song by J.Geils...... "Love Stinks?" LMAO....... that's how I feel about all this crap lately.

I just don't know what I am doing wrong.... I feel like men think of me as "unapprachable"

Losing the weight does not make life easier... it makes me WANT it more... a man in my life, someone to share things with... have coffee and chat in the morning.. cook dinner together...... etc....

The first man I was talking with... ( Jerry ) we had our differences again.... and I deleted him from my contacts.... he never called me again... but now... we have started talking again.

We BOTH can't seem to let the other out of our lives........ but we are struggling to "get together"..... does that make any sence to anyone???

And if so....................... please explain it to me!!!!!

I do like him.. he is very inteligent, and can carry on a good conversation... but I think he is afraid of the "real life thing"

Just venting... but if anyone has any suggestions... I am all ears!!!!

Chancie I am seeing a guy and we are getting really close. He tells me all the time how afraid he is, and I tell him I am too.

Maybe you can get him to open up and talk about what is causing him to only go so far without then putting the breaks on. Mike and I keep telling each other how really important communication is and we really try to communicate until we get the other one to understand what we are thinking or feeling.

Thanks for your post and congratulations on having the smarts to talk about your feelings rather than chase after someone who didn't care enough to check on you after your surgery. You deserve better than that. I know what it feels like to be alone. I'm 54 and my husband died in 2007 after fighting a brain tumor for 8 years--but truthfully, in most respects, I was without a partner long before he actually died. Losing weight isn't going to guarantee that any of us will have improved relationships or find partners. But it will definitely improve our health, our self-esteem, our appearance, our self-confidence and make it a whole lot more likely not just that we "get picked", but that you have the power to do the "picking" yourself. And it's probably a solid bet that the person you would pick when you feel like a lovely swan is NOT going to be the same person that you might settle for when you feel like the ugly duckling! My vote would be that the guy is going to swallow his tongue when he sees you in a year and you just aren't interested.

Daisy..

We talk all the time, both on the computer and the phone ( not so much the phone) Reason being he has a demanding job and travels ALOT.

He just got back from Germany and had to go to TX to see his son.. and he just left for Hawaii this morning.

I think that is the main issue... his traveling. I truely like him and we both can't seem to stay away from each other on here.... but we don't have the time because of his job to "really be together"

I'm just taking it one day at a time.. but he does keep my attention .... and he and I do communicate and share our feelings well....its just the "distant thing" and whats so strange about it all......... his "home" is just barely an hour away from me...... go figure!!! ( but thats my kinda luck!!! )

Wow Chancie, it's too bad you can't just go with him. It would be great to be able to travel like that. Have you thought about next time you have some vacation time being able to spend more time with him?

LOL Daisy......... when he told me he was going to Hawaii.. I was joking and said you need to just marry me so we can do this together.......

And he came back with the statement..." you are the type of woman I could mary and have thoughts of it" 'Then said he had not thought of getting married again at all until he met me.

TOTALLY SURPRISED ME!!

( I was just making a joke.. and he came back with that answer!!)

But his job is very different... since I met him in December... he was in afganistan....

Texas.......Washington State...Germany and now.... Hawaii.

I think I need to ride this one out.... and just see what happpens.. but I truely like him!!!!! He is so sweet and romantic... writes me poems.... and shares alot with me.

Just wish me luck..... and if it does not work... It won't be because I didn't try.

Chancie I can't believe how much weight you have lost! Way to go losing nearly 200 lbs!

I do wish you luck! I hope the two of you figure out what it's going to take to make this work. It would be so great to travel like that! There has to be a reason the two of you can't seem to say good bye to each other. There is something there and I hope you get to go on one of his trips with him some day. It sounds like spending more time together would help the two of you figure this out.

I don't have much to add...but I just wanna give everybody a big fat hug!

**hugs**

wow, so I'm not the only one. Thank you to everyone for posting. Reading thru all of this has really given me alot to think about. Thanks for the poem too...Tiff...it's great.

I'm not sure if men are allowed to post, and I don't know if this will help, but...

The "you're great, but... [you're too fat]" thing goes both ways. I can't count the number of times that I -- naturally a fairly shy man -- finally got the courage up to ask out a girl I was attracted to, and was told something like "I like you, like a brother" or "let's just be friends." It's more polite than the "radio silence" you mention, but still the message is the same: you're a great person, but because you're so fat, you're unacceptable.

It even goes further, for me. When I was a good deal younger -- but still pretty heavy -- there was a very beautiful girl who, for some bizarre reason, seemed fairly fixated on me. In retrospect, she was sending me EVERY sign that she wanted some kind of intimate relationship with me, but I was so sure that I was fat and unattractive, that I "froze up" and didn't reciprocate, and the opportunity was lost (one of my "normal" weight "friends" swooped in on her). In retrospect, it turns out that she wouldn't have been good for me, but still, it makes me wonder how many experiences I missed out on because I didn't think I was good enough.

In a weird way, I sorta get why we don't get picked for the mating dance when we're fat. Despite all the Disney films in the world telling us that "it's what's inside that counts," the bottom line is that in many ways dating and marriage are about breeding and genetics. On many unconscious levels, we are attracted to someone because we think we would make good, strong, smart, healthy children with them (well, maybe not explicitly, since that wouldn't explain homosexuality, but you can't deny that basic health is almost always a prerequisite for attraction). So, it's unsurprising that we obese people might not get "picked" because let's face it, who'd want unhealthy, obese kids?

But even knowing all of this evolutionary psychology stuff, it's hard to be the one who's constantly waiting by the sidelines in life. Even knowing that there's a biological basis for it, that doesn't make it any easier when you feel like you're defective because you're fat.

And that may be the worst part -- not just the rejection from society, but the internalization of it. Once you start to buy into it, once you start to buy into the idea that you're defective and undesirable because of your weight, you really start to live your life differently -- you stop taking chances, and you avoid situations where you just "know" you won't be accepted. And that may be the biggest tragedy of all.

Ultimately, it would be great if society didn't reject fat people, but like I said, I think a good portion of it is wired into our biology. And with the sleeve surgery, we finally have a chance to escape the physical trap; it's up to US to learn how to escape the mental trap.

Ouroborous if I was single and a lot younger I would want you. You are intelligent and kind. What's not to like here?

I hope you get some confidence to take chances soon, and catch up on what you may have been missing. Then settle down with someone wonderful and have a few lovely kids too! :thumbup: