This probably doesn't belong on this site, but I'm feeling like crying and thought I would just write what I'm thinking which I think has been giving be head hunger all day.

I'm 51 had a very short lived and disastorous marriage about 4 years ago...I know my weight has kept me from opportunities to explore relationships with men I've really been attracted to who I know have liked me on every level but haven't been attracted to me physically. I'm not angry at them...I have my preferences too and I understand attraction is an important component.

So about 2 months ago I met someone (from a personal ad) who I had a couple of really amazing dates....we communicated almost every day and then a month ago he started a new job and he's gone almost radio silent. I totally understand being busy and priorities, but he hasn't even checked in since I've been back from my surgery. I had fallen into some of my school girl crush stuff...thinking he might be someone long term. Two of my best pals who were both single for years and years just celebrated one year anniversarys with their new partners and although I am over the moon thrilled for them....it just feels like another place I'm not picked.

I was tempted to write him but decided that I deserve someone who would have made an effort to see how I am....I did have surgery after all...nobody is that busy....so I'm not writing to him...I'm writing on here instead.

All my fat girl stuff is raging right now. Years of being told I wasn't pretty...years of acting confident and pulled together when I was shaking inside. Being a 300 pound woman has made me invisable to men....I told someone today that it's not that I get bad looks...It's just they look right through me. Now I'm over 50 and it feels like I've wasted so many years and opportunities.

Ok...I'm whiney, and sad and I'm going to go take out my contacts...cry a couple of tears and then put on my big girl panties and hit my knees and express my gratitude for all the blessings I do have....my heart just hurts a little right now...

If you read this....thank you for indulging me....

I don't have much to add...but I just wanna give everybody a big fat hug!

**hugs**

Me too! :thumbup:

I agree that there are a lot of biological roots to attraction and mating choices. But for most of us, if we are honest, the social reasons for partner attractions/choices extend beyond our simple visual perceptions of beauty. This isn't going to sound very romantic, but when we are dating, we take ourselves to market, just like someone who wants to sell a steer. The kid who has worked hard to raise a healthy steer knows what a fair price is when he takes that steer to auction. The same thing is true when we look at relationships. How many times have we heard someone say, "Oh he/she can do better than that!" What do they mean? They mean that on the internal scale that we automatically use to compare people's assets, this match is not equal. As a highly gifted woman, what's the possibility that I am going to choose a partner who is mentally handicapped? None.

It is true that some people have assets that outweigh their increasing age or physical unattractiveness. (Why do beautiful young women get involved with someone like Larry King?) But for most of us, being overweight is a huge deficit in the relationship marketplace. Our weight impairs our ability to perform most activities as well as "normals". As a kid, I couldn't run as fast, I couldn't climb a rope, I fell off the monkey bars. As a teen, I lost weight and began taking ballet, but still being on the heavy side, I couldn't leap as high, partners couldn't lift me as easily, and I had to stop wearing toe shoes because my teacher said my weight made it dangerous to my feet. I tried to play raquetball, tennis, and volleyball--but I couldn't compete as well, because I couldn't move as quickly and I got out of breath more easily.

What kind of physical things do adults do for fun that the typical obese person enjoys or does well? Cycling? Jogging? Hiking? Kayaking? Skating? Water skiing? Snow skiing? I can't enjoy dancing because feet hurt and I can't wear regular shoes. I can't even enjoy traveling because I don't have the energy to walk around to enjoy sightseeing. And to be perfectly blunt, when I was married, our sex life was directly impacted by my obesity. Yeh, I know...where there's a will there's a way...but the reality is that sexual possibilities become more restricted as your body gets larger and heavier. Additionally, pleasure can be greatly diminished when there's a lot of fat that gets in the way. That's not even to beginning to address the additional impact that diabetes and other health problems can have on a sexual relationship.

People may not think about that stuff on a conscious level when choosing a partner, but most of us know it to be true. Being fat affects our ability to participate freely and equally in relationships in ways that extend far beyond our our outer appearance and general health.

Edited May 15, 201016 yr by katt

Men are men. They don't think the way we do. Don't look for a relationship more than friendship. If it is ment to blossom to something else it will. That doesn't mean that will be forever. Cultivate friendships with everyone.

Every relationship is a compromise. You are the only one who can determine what you can live with. Society states we need to be thin, and as a women, need to be in a "love" relationship. Don't rush into a relationship because you are lonely. Remember every experience may be trying to teach us something. And sometimes you need to buy a vowel. (I always buy the wrong one).

There will be some one to love you when the time is right and when you are ready for one. Be patient and love yourself, your new life. And it is always alright to have a small pity party.

Ouroborous if I was single and a lot younger I would want you. You are intelligent and kind. What's not to like here?

I hope you get some confidence to take chances soon, and catch up on what you may have been missing. Then settle down with someone wonderful and have a few lovely kids too! :wink0:

Thanks for the compliment (I just noticed this, so sorry for the delay).

I have my fair share of baggage, just like everyone else. I think perfectionism is another trap we fall into, just like insecurity (of course, as a fat man, I always felt like I had to "settle" for whoever would want me; it's going to take a big adjustment to realize that I can -- and should -- be with the person I WANT to be with).

But the bottom line is that there are a lot of things that aren't fair in life -- younger, healthier, slimmer people have more romantic opportunities. People reject us before they get to know the "real person" inside. Society tells us that we're lazy and slovenly because we're overweight. All of those things are based partly or fully upon a lie, and all of those things are unfair, and ultimately all of those things simply are what they are, and we have to deal with them.

I think that what I, at least, am still learning, is how not to internalize these negative messages. I'm a good person, even if I'm heavy. I have desirable qualities even if not everyone can see them. And ultimately, just like everyone else, I have the right to at least try to be with the person I WANT to be with, not just whoever I think I can "get."

BTW, I have to shake my head sometimes at how different male and female psychology is when it comes to dating -- reading Chancie's post about how men will smile and look at her, but not approach her, my instinctive response is, "well, why don't you go talk to THEM?" It's not 1950 anymore, women are actually allowed to pursue men they find attractive. I think that sometimes, women waiting for men to approach them is just a way of making sure they're interested before taking a chance, just like men not wanting to make the first move until they're sure the woman is interested. The end result, on both sides, is nothing -- no moves are made, no chances taken, no lessons learned. But hey, it's safe, right?

I've learned the lesson for sure that it's not really better to be safe than sorry; usually, playing it "safe" will make you more sorry than just taking a chance and leaping out into the blue without a net. In fact, I can't think of a single time where I took a chance and, in the long term, regretted it. Every single time, even if the outcome wasn't what I thought I wanted, I at least learned something.

On the other hand, I can think of hundreds of times where I decided to "play it safe" and truly, deeply regretted it -- often for the rest of my life.

Edited June 7, 201016 yr by ouroborous

ouroborous-

Hi! I just got done reading your post.

Sometimes I just don't come across "clearly" on here.

I agree. it isn't the '50's anymore!!

Here is something that happened to me.. that goes to approaching a man.. and meeting a "heavier" man...

I belong to a singles site that I'm not a paying member of, but can send a "flirt" etc.

So in my profile... I stated that and what chat room I would be in and if you see me and want to talk.. say "hello"

Well. i got a few "flirts" and one from a guy who yes, was a big man... 6'7" and I can't tell weight, but was "bigger"

I finnaly seen him in the chat room and he never said anything.. so I did. Added him to my yahoo and we talked a few times. I even gave him my phone # Then he came to see me where I work. Nice guy.

I don't want to be "shallow" I Know what thats like when it has happened to me. I want to KNOW somebody for who they are. NOT just their looks or weight.

And. to top it all off. he's younger than me....... would I do this before?? NO.

My weight loss has made me more confidant, but it has also given me a new perspective on what I want out of life.

I want a friend and companion.. someone I can talk to thru good times and bad.

I have sharred my weight loss with a few, and some I will when the time is right.

I have had people at work tell me how skinny I am, and I have those on line tell me I look good.. but is that what I want to hear?

Sure........... it's a GREAT ego BOOST...... but...... I want them to know me for ME. The same as when I was "heavy"

So it really is a "double edge sword" the weight loss......... and I can see where people would and could lose who they really are.

I don't want to lose my princibles, my morals or myself in all of this... but I can see it happening to some.

I kinda rambeled on...... hope I made some sence....

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to be mean or rude. That was just a "gut feeling" of mine -- I'm sure a lot of my reaction is colored by the fact that I'm male and we're "expected" to make the first move (if that makes any sense).

Oh, and, you made perfect sense

Hi Chancie,

It made sense to me too. I think we are all feeling our way here.

The initial attraction between man and woman is just that. If there is no understanding or commonality the relationship should not progress. Sometimes people force it because they are scared of being alone and they want the relationship succeed.

The butterfly in the tummy attraction thing passes quite quckly and then you have to see what you are left with. Often absolutely nothing.

I am weird maybe because I never find men attractive on looks, although nice looks are a bonus. It's the quality of mind, wit and kindness that floats my boat. I married one too :scared0:

All the very best,

Jane

Chancie, you were talking about putting in your profile what chat room you're in.

Which dating site can you do that? At match they seem to find any hints I put in on how to find me cause I am not a paying member. also, where do you chat?

thanks, I'd love to find a good site and also chat with someone!

To be honest, I don't see a guy and think, "I want to date him!". I think females don't make the first move because we aren't attracted primarily by looks. Now, I am not saying that looks don't matter they certainly do. But when I find myself attracted to men it is because their personality, intelligence, humor, self esteem, and ability to provide. It takes time for me to figure these things out. I am the type of person where if I see someone I might like I will flirt and then leave it to him to make the next move. Touching someone's arm while talking to them or just smiling can give the guy confidence enough to show interest if it is there.