I'm At War With My Band

[SashaWLS 412]

...and I think it's winning.

I had a major epiphany today. Ever since my last fill I've been getting stuck constantly and throwing up quite a bit. I realize that I'm actually not stuck, I'm full! Seems like this should have been obvious since I was banded 6 months ago, but I've been getting very small fills each time (on purpose, for a variety of reasons) and it's only now that I'm (I guess) finally feeling restriction.

If any of you read my post yesterday, you'll know I've been kind of freaking out lately. A lot of bad behavior, a lot of acting out, and frankly, a lot of trying to tell my band to shove it. Well, I'm giving up. It has finally sunk into my thick skull that this thing is here to stay, it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it's doing what I WANT it to be doing, and I'm going to have to let go of trying to force food in and just admit that my eating days are over. I don't mean eating eating, I mean EATING.

So today I start mourning. Because you know what? I really really want to eat. It hurts my heart not to be able to eat, I want to go out and have a huge bowl of Pasta. A big plate of nachos with the works. And I can't. I have to face facts that I physically can't eat that bowl of Pasta because pasta actually fills me up so quick that I can't eat enough to feel satisfied. I have to face the fact that chewy cheese doesn't go down so well anymore. And I have to stop over-buying and pretending that I'm ordering two dinners at once because I don't know what I can eat. The reality is that I'm buying two dinners at once because I WANT TO EAT THEM BOTH. And I can't. And that is why I'm freaking out.

So I give up. I'm going to let the band drive for a while. I'm going to try and drink more tea, maybe have some go-to 'flavor' things like lollypops or pickled ginger for when I want to taste something. But I'm going to try to chill the f@#!* out and try to think about something other than food. Thank God I see my shrink tonight. :-) And thank you guys for being awesome.

Signed,

Your resident crazy person

[Holly Dolly 575]

I hear you, I LOVE to eat too. 20 months out and I still find it hard to not think about food all the time. I am sure it will be a battle I am forever fighting. But I follow the rules at least 90% of the time and make up with exercise! Good luck, you can do it!

[MiniMi 1,468]

...and I think it's winning.

I had a major epiphany today. Ever since my last fill I've been getting stuck constantly and throwing up quite a bit. I realize that I'm actually not stuck' date=' I'm full! Seems like this should have been obvious since I was banded 6 months ago, but I've been getting very small fills each time (on purpose, for a variety of reasons) and it's only now that I'm (I guess) finally feeling restriction.

If any of you read my post yesterday, you'll know I've been kind of freaking out lately. A lot of bad behavior, a lot of acting out, and frankly, a lot of trying to tell my band to shove it. Well, I'm giving up. It has finally sunk into my thick skull that this thing is here to stay, it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it's doing what I WANT it to be doing, and I'm going to have to let go of trying to force food in and just admit that my eating days are over. I don't mean eating eating, I mean EATING.

So today I start mourning. Because you know what? I really really want to eat. It hurts my heart not to be able to eat, I want to go out and have a huge bowl of Pasta. A big plate of nachos with the works. And I can't. I have to face facts that I physically can't eat that bowl of Pasta because pasta actually fills me up so quick that I can't eat enough to feel satisfied. I have to face the fact that chewy cheese doesn't go down so well anymore. And I have to stop over-buying and pretending that I'm ordering two dinners at once because I don't know what I can eat. The reality is that I'm buying two dinners at once because I WANT TO EAT THEM BOTH. And I can't. And that is why I'm freaking out.

So I give up. I'm going to let the band drive for a while. I'm going to try and drink more tea, maybe have some go-to 'flavor' things like lollypops or pickled ginger for when I want to taste something. But I'm going to try to chill the f@#!* out and try to think about something other than food. Thank God I see my shrink tonight. :-) And thank you guys for being awesome.

Signed,

Your resident crazy person[/quote']

What a great post! I can learn a lot from your frank and honest assessment. I remember once my mother telling me to get a hobby and asking me what did I like to do. I sat for a second and realized that I didn't like to do anything, but eat that is. Well, now that that is no longer an issue I have to find something else to love. 3 weeks post op.

I love to run trail runs so as soon as I'm in onederland I'm going for it. (Back problems) I have 49lb to lose to get there!

How much have you lost so far? What do you like to do?

[zinhaa 363]

I totally get where your coming from.

a nice bagel with cream cheese and lox would do it for me but sadly it would do me in.

I have not really missed all the food except the above mention felon. We have to change our relationship with food. Yes easier said then done.

I do not miss eating like the old days anymore now i look at peoples plates and go OMG that so much food. Once you follow the band rules and listening to the band you realize i can still eat but just differently.

Good Luck

Wendy

[Summerrain 520]

Love this post!! I've had the same feelings some days about wanting to eat a normal meal like in the past. Some days are hard as I really really miss sitting down and devouring a delicious meal, but that's what got me to where I was. It's hard, it's a new way if eating with the band and will take time to adjust. But in saying that I am so thankful for my band and do not regret it for one second. My food obsession is pretty much becoming non existent as the weeks fly by and it feels so good to be free ( apart from the odd day) from the control food had over me.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping with two of my kids. They asked if I could buy them donuts, which I haven't bought in about seven months. In the past I would have drooled all the way home and the minute I would have walked through the door I would be at those evil donuts shoveling them down then feeling sick. My kids ate one each and there are two left for my husband, because if my band and because I finally started to listening to my body I find that I don't even crave one.

The mental thing to keep stuffing ourselves with everything and anything like in the past is a difficult one to deal with but I found has got so much easier with being in the greenzone.

[Mayasgram 351]

FAT PEOPLE LIVE TO EAT .... THIN PEOPLE EAT TO LIVE...It is a choice and you make it everytime you eat. This poor me I can't eat this or that will destroy you. This is something you choose to do, you do not have to eat lettuce leaves the rest of your life but you can not order 2 meals and good Lord why would you want too?? There comes a point when you are so full that you can not even enjoy the taste of the food, you are just shoveling it in and feeling stuffed and sick and you end up hating yourself ... who chooses this ??????????

When your head switches over is when you stop saying I Love food and you start saying I love Me more .. Food does not love you back but the more you excercise control over food the more you will love and be proud of your self.. Those of us who have made it know this with all our hearts and because we know how very good success taste we want it for all of you that have not made that connecdtion yet. It isn't easy but it is worth more then anything monet could buy and it certainly taste better then any food you have ever put in your mouth..

[Maddysgram 6,159]

FAT PEOPLE LIVE TO EAT .... THIN PEOPLE EAT TO LIVE...It is a choice and you make it everytime you eat. This poor me I can't eat this or that will destroy you. This is something you choose to do' date=' you do not have to eat lettuce leaves the rest of your life but you can not order 2 meals and good Lord why would you want too?? There comes a point when you are so full that you can not even enjoy the taste of the food, you are just shoveling it in and feeling stuffed and sick and you end up hating yourself ... who chooses this ??????????

When your head switches over is when you stop saying I Love food and you start saying I love Me more .. Food does not love you back but the more you excercise control over food the more you will love and be proud of your self.. Those of us who have made it know this with all our hearts and because we know how very good success taste we want it for all of you that have not made that connecdtion yet. It isn't easy but it is worth more then anything monet could buy and it certainly taste better then any food you have ever put in your mouth..[/quote']

Nice post! Thank you!

[SashaWLS 412]

FAT PEOPLE LIVE TO EAT .... THIN PEOPLE EAT TO LIVE...It is a choice and you make it everytime you eat. This poor me I can't eat this or that will destroy you. This is something you choose to do, you do not have to eat lettuce leaves the rest of your life but you can not order 2 meals and good Lord why would you want too?? There comes a point when you are so full that you can not even enjoy the taste of the food, you are just shoveling it in and feeling stuffed and sick and you end up hating yourself ... who chooses this ??????????

When your head switches over is when you stop saying I Love food and you start saying I love Me more .. Food does not love you back but the more you excercise control over food the more you will love and be proud of your self.. Those of us who have made it know this with all our hearts and because we know how very good success taste we want it for all of you that have not made that connecdtion yet. It isn't easy but it is worth more then anything monet could buy and it certainly taste better then any food you have ever put in your mouth..

Perhaps I'm misreading something here, but I find your reply to be really condescending—and rude.

I'm dealing with some pretty raw emotions right now. Food is my drug of choice, the band has cut off my supply, and I'm in withdrawal. I'm obviously struggling, and this is hard for me...

If you've "made it", have everything figured out, and no longer have any of the problems with food that got you fat in the first place, well good for you and I'm genuinely happy for you. But your bandier-than-thou tone and mock-disgust really rubs me the wrong way. I come to this site for support, not to have my struggle used as a vehicle for someone else to show off.

[Summerrain 520]

Hugs Sasha, I understand totally where you are coming from. I had those struggles too the first month and cried a lot but I was still glad for my lapband. All I can say is stay strong and focused, it's going to take a while to fight those demons and I have found myself getting stronger as the weeks go by.

[JanB23 23]

"FAT PEOPLE LIVE TO EAT .... THIN PEOPLE EAT TO LIVE...It is a choice and you make it everytime you eat"

-

This is so not true. If it was no more than choice, there would be a lot less fat people suffering in this world. Eating is a compulsion/addiction for me and many other people. The desire to eat is all

consuming and does your head in when every bit of your intelligence is telling you eating too much is not good for you, but still you are compelled to eat . I feel so much better when i eat well and in moderation but that does not stop me. i get really upset that i can not eat what i want sometimes, but then i am grateful that my band stops me from over indulging. I am with you Sasha.

[cheryl2586 3,053]

I dont think one thing she said was condesending. You're just emotional right now and I don't think she was being rude. Cheer up it will get better but you can't take everything that people say thinking they are being rude because I don't think she meant it that way.

[Mayasgram 351]

Sorry if I upset someone with my previous post. You thought I was showing off. I am sorry you are suffering . For some people the loss of food is truly like losing a best friend. I think anyone that is honest will tell you that they grieved food and went through a period of thinking OMG what have I DONE.. Life is about to change big time and is scarey and only a person who has been banded can relate to those feelings.

I went through those feelings. I went through years of failure with my weight and feeling like a failure because I didn't have control over a Hardies Breakfast cinnamon biscuit. After waiting 18 monthes for the band and jumping through every hoop the insurance company put out there I got banded. And I made the decision that I was going to follow directions and do what I was told whether it made sense or I liked it. I am not a rule follower this was not easy, I had to recognize that my ideas had gotten me to WLS.

It was a struggle to give up my will and submit even my diet coke............. But I did it and I am proud ....not showing off. When you have tried every diet, plan and pill, patch and Jenny Craig throws up her arms and gives up on you and you finally get it and lose it you are happy/proud/celebrating.

I think my message is if I can do it with my rebellious heart then you can too. The weight loss begins in your head not your mouth or stomache honestly. And I know in every Fiber of my body from my past behavior that I would not have it together without my band . And my band taught me more then food restriction it helped me grow as a person that stopped eating her feelings. And I want that for every person who has ever felt the way I felt.

[knewland 14]

Sorry if I upset someone with my previous post. You thought I was showing off. I am sorry you are suffering . For some people the loss of food is truly like losing a best friend. I think anyone that is honest will tell you that they grieved food and went through a period of thinking OMG what have I DONE.. Life is about to change big time and is scarey and only a person who has been banded can relate to those feelings.

I went through those feelings. I went through years of failure with my weight and feeling like a failure because I didn't have control over a Hardies Breakfast cinnamon biscuit. After waiting 18 monthes for the band and jumping through every hoop the insurance company put out there I got banded. And I made the decision that I was going to follow directions and do what I was told whether it made sense or I liked it. I am not a rule follower this was not easy' date=' I had to recognize that my ideas had gotten me to WLS.

It was a struggle to give up my will and submit even my diet coke............. But I did it and I am proud ....not showing off. When you have tried every diet, plan and pill, patch and Jenny Craig throws up her arms and gives up on you and you finally get it and lose it you are happy/proud/celebrating.

I think my message is if I can do it with my rebellious heart then you can too. The weight loss begins in your head not your mouth or stomache honestly. And I know in every Fiber of my body from my past behavior that I would not have it together without my band . And my band taught me more then food restriction it helped me grow as a person that stopped eating her feelings. And I want that for every person who has ever felt the way I felt.[/quote']

I did not find this post rude at all. If anything it is motivating. Nobody told me this process was gonna be easy. I went in knowing full well it was going to be tough and it has been. Perhaps you were not ready for the band. You have to be ready to accept that eating the way you once did is over. But it does get easier.

[pixie_lilly 7]

I found it really helpful as well but maybe I'm in a different place at the moment and another time I would have felt differently. Not everyone is there to say there there and give soft advice and comfort, there are people further along the journey than we are and it's good to listen to them as well. The post came from a good, helpful place and you may have been upset by it but from the outside your response was way harsher.

[sparkplug 106]

That response was meant to give you the courage to stand up and say, NO MORE stuffing myself! I am almost 4 years banded and you know what, I still have days that I think OMG what have I done to me!! I love being a size 10-12 and on no meds and feeling great, and normally I stroll along this path okay choosing what is good for me. But I do CHEAT on a cookie or piece of pie or something forbidden by our normal routine. This is how I stay focused by not ever saying that I can never have anything sweet.