Unsupportive family members!!

tilly · March 13, 2006

my mum is 78 and was totally against me having ANY operation, so I got all the "why not try to eat less" (wish Id thought of that one) and so, I told her we were going away to stay with a friend for a few days and off we went,

the afternoon after I got back from the op I rang my son and he went and told my mum that I was ok but Id had the operation !

she understood that I didnt tell her so she wasnt worrying herself sick for those few days, and never reprimanded me over it, in fact, when I got back she paid for the operation!!!

I was also slated on the brit version of this site by a few people because I was going to belgium for my op, to the most experienced banding surgeon in europe, and he was also a third of the price than in the UK. I was told Id die on the table, if, like my british surgeon had suggested, I didnt lose 80lbs first, I was told I wouldnt make it home, I was told I would get no after care in the UK (true) but I go back to my Belgian surgeon for fills etc because hes GOOD. I cared not a jot and went anyway. what did they know?? they didnt know me or my circumstances, maybe it was just a coincidence that the only ones that slated me were the ones who couldnt afford to pay for the band but were having to wait for the NHS to operate on them, ( I was quoted 6 years wait) !!!!most of the other members were very supportive.

you did what you had to do, and thats that, if your old enough to bring up kids, pay a mortgage, etc, then you are old enough to decide what you do with YOUR body.

Its a bit stupid them not talking to you AFTER you had the band fitted did they expect you to go back to Mexico and have it removed. In fact, next time they criticise you, say "oh ok, well its $20,000 to have it removed if you are so worried perhaps you would pay for it to come out"

watch them shut up

jealous??? absolutely

StrawartS · March 13, 2006

Diane,

You only made 2 mistakes during all these shenanigans:

1. Not kicking your in-laws out during the first tirade and

2. Not walking out of the restaurant during the second.

I'm not sure what they're trying to accomplish by belittling you. I don't have any advice on reconciliation; in cases like this, I employ the tried and true, patented StrawartS FREEZE OUT.

ReneBean · March 13, 2006

Honey,

It sounds like a "no win" situation.

If you had told them, they would have freaked out before the surgery - and would probably be finding some other way to torment you for having had it now.

Since you told them a half truth, they are just tormenting you a different way.

I surely am sorry - but these people sound moderately insane if they still haven't gotten over this.

I'm glad your hubby is defending your right to live your own life without asking their permission. If you back down on this issue and do anything to indicate in any way that they are right to be behaving this way - you will never have another moments peace from them again.

I would try one more time to explain that:

1) you made a decision that did not involve them and was not their business

2) in order to save them distress and yourself this very reaction, you determined that you would wait until after the surgery to tell about Mexico

3) until they are prepared to apologize for their outbursts and tirades, you will not be willing to listen or speak to them on ANY issues of importance.

Make it clear that their reaction to all this is driving a wedge through the middle of the family and that it is senseless to make the children suffer.

If that doesn't do it - then give up and go on. There is nothing else you can do.

I like the thing about concrete examples of how your "deceitful nature" is rubbing off on the children. If there ARE some, then maybe you need to work with the kids on some stuff - but I bet there aren't any.

Good luck. Hugs! Sorry about all this stuff.

MyKdsDad · March 13, 2006

I guess I'm just in one of those moods....

Tell your in-laws (read mother in-law) F**k you and go to H**l and then out loud say that what you did, you did for you, and that they have no say in it or about it and that the subject is closed and that you will not participate in a discussion of it ever again unless your MIL is ready to have her surgery. period. fine`.

PhotoNut · March 13, 2006

Randy.. do you need a hug? *offers a big hug*

Tricia K. · March 13, 2006

Wow, Diane. *hugs*
You and your husband decided together to keep that part of your life private, and that was your RIGHT do to so. It's time to tell the in-laws to get over it and get on with life. You and your husband made the decisions based on what was best for you and your family. How rude and mean they are! I'm sure you explained your reasoning for deciding to tell them later, and I'm sure you've told them you're sorry that decision has upset them. Now what you need to tell them is that they are tearing the family apart with this attack on you and it's time they kept their opinions to themselves. And, tell them that if they can't manage to do that then they aren't welcome to be around you. Do not let this make you second guess yourself. You had no obligation to tell them anything at all. What you did was try to protect them and their reaction to that is 100% their problem, my friend.

I'm proud of your hubby for standing up for you. It is hard to have a riff in the family like this, but if you remain friendly and welcoming to them while making it clear that you won't be treated like this, then it remains to be their problem not yours. Do not blame yourself for their behavior. *hugs*

Yeah, what she said! Seriously though, please don't let what they said or did make you doubt your decision. You have every right to make decisions for you and your family without consulting your in-laws. I hope this is resolved very soon. *hugs*

Dianechef · March 14, 2006

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! I could just feel all those hugs that came my way!!!!! :) Thanks! Why in the world did I ever let myself think that I was wrong?!?!?

My in-laws really are strange people. (WACKOS!!!) They are offended easily & are always worried about everything!! However, I've never been on their offended list - my MIL USED to love & adore me!! I just can't believe that they have let this drag on so long!!

I guess this hurts me so much because my husband really loves his Dad. His mother & he have never seen eye-to-eye, but he really looks up to his Dad. And, unfortunately, his Dad is stickin' behind his wife. It really is my MIL with the problems. I haven't figured out if they are upset at me going to Mexico or me just having the surgery at all. They've never made that very clear.

I would really LOVE to just mark them off my list & never talk to them again. However, they are my husbands parents & he WANTS a relationship with them - even if they are wacko. He's just a dedicated family man who believes in loving people for who they are. He has put up with a lot of crap in his life!! I should mention that he has one brother & he has been in & out of jail & is currently homeless living on Mill Ave. My husband has risen above & beyond his parents.

SAD!! SAD!! I am NOT going to apologize to them. It's probably what they're waiting for & I don't have anything to apologize for!!!

fiveholts714 · March 14, 2006

There is nothing you can do about their reaction. You can't control them. If these are the kind of peopel they are, you are better off being away from them. it is their choice to not see their grandkids. It's tooo bad that they are ruining their relationship with the kids.

Also, don't let them be in control. Why are letting them call meetings? If they want to see the grandkids, just tell them that your banding is off subject. If they start in, get up, give grandma and grandpa a kiss because we have to leave. You need to get back in control and quit letting them call meetings.

MyKdsDad · March 14, 2006

P'nut, I guess. I just got through working a set of night shifts and not even my wife comes around me till I've had my nap....LOL

Paulax · March 14, 2006

Wow, I am really sorry they reacted that way.

What does Dr Phil say, 'The best revenge is to live well'

gentlespirit · March 14, 2006

I aigree with fiveholts...because they call a meeting doesn't mean you have to attend or have to let them abuse you if you choose to attend. You and your husband had every right to make the decision you did and certainly don't need to apologize. But I do understand feeling bad for your husband. Can he talk with his dad privately and explain to him without his mother's inflammatory presence and comments? Maybe that way at least he and his father could salvage their relationship...

Hugs to you...it sounds like you're in a horrible situation of entirely their making...but that doesn't make it feel any less awful, I'm sure.

Emily

Dianechef · March 14, 2006

I love that Dr. Phil quote Paulax!! I seriously say that in my head all the time!!! "THE BEST REVENGE IS TO LIVE WELL!" I can honestly say that we HAVE lived well. We have gone on with our lives & are enjoying every minute. We have great kids. Our marriage is good. My husband has a good job & we are very happy!!

So, I guess we stuck it to them!!! HA!!

To answer the question about why I keep letting them call meetings - The first one we had no idea what it was about. They just said they wanted to come over & talk about something very important.

After months of no contact at all & then a phone call saying they wanted to meet, I thought it would be a good idea to get everything out in the open & was glad to finally END this fued. (That's at least what I THOUGHT the meeting was about!) Lo & behold, it was a slap in the face. I can gaurantee you that if there's any more "meetings" held it will be called by US!!

I have seriously considered calling Dr. Phil. My husband said that there is NO WAY his parents would ever go on national T.V. & air their private affairs. I think they know that they'll get SLAMMED!!!!! :biggrin1:

patty103 · March 14, 2006

hey sounds like they have a problem, don't let it be yours, you are doing great. i think you summed it up when you said jealous, or maybe your mother in law has a control problem.... Either way you did nothing wrong and don't let her rob you of your joy.

divaliciousdee · March 14, 2006

Well here is my two cents. I know that your husband is in pain. Even if he is going about things normally he still is their son that they raised and he has to be hurting. We cannot choose who our parents are so we just deal with them the best way we know how. No matter how whacko his mama is(she sounds kind of strange)she is still his mama. I feel honestly that she is jealous. You have taken control of your weight and health in an aggressive manner and you are winning this battle that she obviously has lost or just given up on. It is easier to have a fat DIL than to have a DIL that used to be fat. I hope that you all can work this out. The grandparents no matter what they FEEL should never talk to the grandkids about this EVER!! Just like they are your husbands parents, you are your children's mother. I feel that you should call a meeting and lay down the law. The weight issue is a MUTE subject and in the past. The family is what matters. This was you and your husbands decision. It was nice of you to tell them in the first place cause you didn't have to. The Bible says that when a man and woman get married they leave mother and father and they two become one. Enough said.