My thoughts tonight

[Penni60 45]

After the comments back and forth surrounding the Dr. Ortiz thread I felt the need to vent some on a separate thread.

I won't rehash what was already said on that thread. I will simply state my thoughts and how I am dealing with it all.

I was very offended by the comments of both Dr. Ortiz and Dr. Pleatman. I addressed those on that thread.

When thinking about my own personal demons I reflect on what got me so mad and upset over those comments. I realized it was one more thing telling me that no matter what I try it won't work. I will forever be fat. My insecurities came out when both their comments seemed insensitive and detached. This pissed me off as an RN and it pissed me off as a patient.

This anger does me NO GOOD. I just need to redirect these feelings of failure with the band in a more positive light. I know I have lost weight with the band. I see this. I feel this. But I am focusing on now that I don't have the band anymore what will I do to keep off what I lost. It is hard to see past one minute of one hour of one day.

I come here for support and understanding and compassion to get through the rough times. I don't come here for seemingly uncaring surgeons to suggest I 'get over' losing the band. Yes it might have been an unfortunate mistake for him to have said that and he might truly be sorry for the comment. But I just simply don't think he gets how damaging that statement could be.

So, I am rambling here and alot of this might not make any sense at all. This is more for me than anything else. Sort of a cathartic exercise.

I am really struggling on a day to day basis. I get up and eat my Breakfast and do really well till around 2 or 3 pm. Then it all falls apart. I am travelling right now and that makes it harder to stick to the Nutrisystem diet. I am struggling to get in my Water. I was doing so well the first two weeks. I even lost 6 lbs on it in the first two weeks. Now I am away from home and really worried I am gaining back the weight. I am so upset with myself right now. I have struggled to keep honest and to be accountable. That is hard to do. I eat really good then I screw it up. So I start the day all over again the next day telling myself "today will be different" and it isn't.

The one thing that worked for me was having the Band. Now that is gone. So, I am on this roller coaster of eating right and eating junk every day. My body is not liking it either. My joints are aching, my back is more sore than usual, headaches are returning, I have noticed my ankles are swelling more along with my fingers as well. All this was going on before I was banded. So does this mean I am regressing? YES!! And this is what scares me.

I am so happy for Michelle that she has moved on and facing her demons as best she can. I am struggling with this same issue.

To those that supported and said such sweet things on the Dr. Ortiz thread I am proud to call you part of my band family.

To those that expressed a differing opinion, I respect your statements but walk a mile in my shoes first before making a suggestion that by me raising a couple of questions and making a couple of comments would run off any doctor.

To those that have had really great experiences in Mexico, I am truly happy for you and I pray that you continue to have those great experiences. I would not wish what I have gone through on anyone friend or foe.

To those that are new and just starting the process, do your homework. Know that if you chose Mexico please have local aftercare set up. Otherwise know that if you have an emergent situation you will need to go back to your band surgeon. This could raise some difficult issues you will need to face rather quickly that you hadn't thought through.

I really care about each and every one of you guys. I would offer my support and understanding and can assure you of me being non judgmental.

The only thing I ask in return is that I receive the same of which I have on many occasions and most likely will in the future as well.

G-nite family.

[Alexandra 55]

Penni, I can't give you any diet advice because I'm the worst dieter that ever existed. I hear you--it sucks and we ALL know it.

The good news is that you're healthy, and as time goes on perhaps other options will present themselves. Be good to yourself and in time, you'll be able to see without grief and find the path forward.

:hug:

[queenbeeoffour 0]

I'm choosing to stay out of the other thread because the exchange between everyone is more heated than I care to get. I don't post often, but I read the boards everyday, several times a day. I was surprised by Dr. Ortiz's post, but thought it seemed like an attempt to clear his name. The other surgeon's responses were terrible and I am thankful that he is not my doctor.

I value you and what you contribute to the board. Losing weight is such a struggle with or without the band. You have a right to be mad and frustrated. My motto is "the only way out is through". You will get through this and find the answers you are looking for.

With or without the band you are part of the family and always will be. :hug:

[the best me 6]

((((((HUGS))))) Penni. We love you!!! And we are here for you! Thanks for being here for us, too.

[Iluvharleys 15]

Penni - I'm sorry that you are struggling so much, hopefully it will get much easier for you. I can't imagine how hard it would be without my band.

I'm glad you are sticking around here, you are a valuable asset to this board.

Hugs and good luck!

[bandayed 0]

Penni -- all my best wishes are with you. You were one of the first people to address me at LBT and greet me with open arms. Your opinions are valid (as are others) and your emotions are valid as well. It shows a real strength of character that you started this thread rather than beating a dead horse in the other one. I responded to Dr Ortiz after only having read pg 1. I did not even know that it stretched so long, and I will go back now and read. I am happy for the expert opinion he offered whether out of self preservation or not, I think knowledge is power and it is our job to filter through things that may or may not be biased. I say this having had no personal experience with erosion -- in other words -- in a vacuum. Had I experienced it, my feeling may have been different. You are strong, you are smart, you are obviously knowlegeable. Weight loss is about the hardest thing there is. It's OK to feel challenged by it --that's how we all got here! Do the best you can, and overtime it WILL make a difference. Hang in there!

[DeLarla 22]

"I come here for support and understanding and compassion to get through the rough times"

Me too, but Penni, we don't just come here to get through rough times. LBT is so much more. It's a place we can share laughter or even a new outfit. When you got your new car, your LBT family was just as excited, and what fun is a new car alone? LBT is like a family in a box, always there no matter what.

It's not fair to hijack this thread with my feelings over the other thread, so I'll go start one myself. But girl, don't think you're alone in this struggle. I've lost a few pounds since band removal, and I've been going to the gym and feeling that burn that feels so good. But has my head changed? No. Every one of my days is exactly the same "up stairs" as every one of your days. I have flashbacks of what a shrink told me, that the human mind isn't designed for long-term fighting like this. I hope he's wrong, but I could snap at any minute and go back to 315. Any minute.

["Just" Paul 1]

Penni,

I support you 100%. I know you all don't want to revisit that thread, but please ready "my 2 cents" I added there. I hope that it makes a point.

We're all here to help each other, and it seems strange to me that some of the folks supporting the doc's statements had less than 20 posts... like they got here the same time as him. Just a thought.

[paula 4]

Penni, I love you girl!

And this board would not be the same without you or any of the other de-banded "sisters"... and thats what you are! (Thank you Kathy)

I remember when Michelle found out about her erosion, then you, THEN Lisa!

My first and on-going thoughts were... (selfishly) I hope they stay with LBT!

I have a different connection with each one of you - just like real family members - and the thoughts of you guys not feeling comfortable hanging out here wouldve affected my own feelings about LBT. Glad you stayed!

Reading about all the erosions Ive realized that each of us are on our own journey. Yes, we have each other for support, but its still an individual walk.

God bless you ~ and I truly mean that! ((hugs))

[MeganA 35]

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. Penni, please know that what I said on the other thread was not aimed at anyone in particular but more the whole...and I meant it for the greater good. I know how angry and hurt you've been by your situation and I would never begin to say that I can truly understand because my band is fine and healthy (as far as I know, of course!). You are part of my band family and I hope you know that I care deeply for you. You have seen me through some very tough times and I hope you know that I'm on your side.

Love,

Megan

[giveyouthemoon 4]

I didn't read the other thread, but Penni, you are a hero to me. I am learning a lot from you because you are willing to be open with your experiences. As i told DeLarla in another thread, speaking the truth matters and when people get all whipped up, it generally means you are VERY close to the truth.

Continue being a truth teller. For yourself first. And for all us who come after you. Help us to learn, to be smart, to be strong.

Big hugs to you!

[dylansmom 27]

I've only seen the first few pages of that thread, and will have to go read the rest of it here shortly. But please know that I love you very much, and I too am so grateful that you've decided to stay here with us at LBT.

You are one of the few individuals that I've spoken with on the phone, and one of the few that I feel a special connection with. Your compassion, love of life, and inner beauty are what draw me to you the most.

Please know that you are definately loved and cared about very much, and please do not let rude or unkind words detract from that.

Much love and many blessings to you my dear Penni.

[DeLarla 22]

Paul's post on the other thread is award-winning quality. He was able to find the words I've been trying to say all along. When I lash out at Mexican surgeons, it's not specifically the surgeon; it's the lack of quality standards, it's the impossible commute, it's the lack of a lifelong partnership. Sometimes things set me off like a firecracker, so I lose my cool and start clucking.

Sorry for the hijack, Penni, but if you haven't read Paul's superior contribution to the other thread, now's a good time.

Penni and I learned the hard way by going to Mexico. We both got screwed badly in many ways. If we had surgery in the US, we'd have easy access to a legal system that would help us seek justice. Consider us samples.

Now's time to pull Penni out of this nonsense of swollen fingers. Penni, between the two of us, we've lost an OBESE PERSON. Get up off your butt and do the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk if you have to. Make sacrifices if you must. Instead of staying in hotels with room service menus, grit your teeth and stay with a thin family member or friend. It only takes a day or two to get back on track, so go somewhere that will help you, not hinder you.

It's easier to say than do, but you've been strong before. Call your trainer, find some motivation. Step away from the beads and towards the treadmill!

[NewSho 20]

Penni,

I can not put into words how much my heart aches for you and DeLarla.

For you two and the other struggling Bandsters and DeBanded Bandsters (because no matter the status of your band, you're Bandsters for life) you have been confronted with issues and responsibilities that no patient deserves.

I go out of my way to move forward and not move backward in my life but it ain't always easy. Complication sucks and the attitude of some of the people here who are basically saying "suck it up" just devastated me. I only hope and pray they never walk a mile in the shoes of someone who has been let down or worse, injured by their band journey. But I hope that we can find some sense of brotherhood and sisterhood with Penni and the others who had fought the Band fight?

Does the current status of the Band (whether it's currently implanted, currently removed, currently about to be revised or currently sitting still in a box in a hospital warehouse) make a difference on how we receive each others' comments?

All those who sit smugly saying "oh if this happens, I'll do this" are just speculating on how they HOPE they will react. The reality may be and probably would be different.

Like any technology or procedure, the LapBand will continue to improve as will the techniques used with the LapBand. But realize that those who come along later critising those who are struggling will hopefully be spared an unfortunate lesson in karma.

A bit of tolerance and understanding goes a long way.

Hopefully all of us will realize we may have more in common with our DeBanded Bandsters than some think.

As is said, "There by the grace of God, go I."

Happy Band Journeys and DeBanded Bandster Journeys to all,

New Sho

[PhotoNut 7]

I lashed out at Dr. Pleatman and Christan both in that thread. I was so upset by the unprofessional, insensative, and insulting remarks they were making toward all of us in general. Perhaps it was not my place. I know I'm fairly new here but you all are quickly become dear to me and I was furious to see 'strangers' among us trying to condemn you for speaking out about things that should be spoken out about. This is what we are here for. To help others who follow along behind us learn from our experiences.

Penni, you were justified in your feelings and the concerns you expressed. You spoke your mind while remembering to be kind and respectful. Unfortunately I didn't. I admire folks like you who can keep a kind heart even when they are offended and hurt. I'm proud of you and of DeLarla for speaking out in a crowd that might not like hearing what you have to say. I hope they stop and listen rather than cover their ears and refuse to believe that something might be wrong here. This is how we make things right. This is exactly what you should be doing.

I only regret that I helped drag the thread into a heated exchange. I hope those of you who avoided the thread because you felt it was just bickering would go back and read it all. There were some very good points made there. And as intelligent people who have the right to know the truth, I hope you are open minded enough to hear what these concerned people are trying to tell us all, for our own good.

As for the band loss, good grief. I cant even imagine how I would feel knowing that what I believe is my last chance and my $26,000 is gone. My prayers are with you. You know, Im sure you had to practice a great deal of self control when you had your band. Do not give the band all of the credit. You had to restrict your urges to eat things you knew would hurt you when they hit the band. Well, now use that same self control to restrict the urge to eat things which will hurt you when they reach your body. Same idea. Same person who could do it before. Same challenge. You still have that in you. And I believe that if you stop thinking the band did it all for you, and realize that YOU were the strong one, you will beat this once and for all.

*hugs*